But I'm a Vegetarian!
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Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
2,083
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Grate Places
Chapter Two: Grate Places.
SugaryLime would like to thank her special helper for the special help on this instalment. You’ll realise what I mean when you get to it.
__________
LEGOLAS has managed to clean himself up just in time for ARAGORN to walk back into the theatre with popcorn.
Legolas: What’d you buy for me?
Aragorn: Nothing. What is this, a date?
Legolas: Bitter, party of one! Your table’s ready.
Aragorn: Fuck you.
Legolas: In a bit. Just had a good wank.
Aragorn: The Face?
Legolas: Yeah.
Aragorn: Shoe piccy?
Legolas: Yeah.
Aragorn: Mmm.
//
Chapter 2- Why am I Here?
//
Legolas: Because the condom broke.
//
“Elrond” Jadewyn said to the old elf. “why am I here in your land?” she didn’t understand why she would be sent to Middle Earth. Yeah she loves the books and she thought Legolas was really fit but that didn’t explane anything.
//
Aragorn: I feel like I’m in a bloody time machine! Past! Present! Past! Present!
//
“I do not know.” Elrond said. “But I do know one thing-everything happens for a reason so there is a reason you where sent here. Galdriel might have the answers I need.”
//
Legolas: Yeah, um, okay.
//
He went over to some books he had setting on a table and opened one. It looked like he was mummering to himself as he took the book and walked outside.
//
Aragorn: What, is he trying to find her number in the directory?
Legolas: Yeah, cos he has Galadriel’s memorised, but he always forgets Galdriel’s. He’s an old Elf, you know. His memory’s slipping.
Aragorn: Must be all that mummering.
//
A few days went by and Jadewyn was still stuck in Rivendale. While she was their she met a hansome elf naked Legolas.
//
Legolas: I’m hoping that’s a typo.
Aragorn: So, you’ve taken to roaming Rivendale naked, have you?
Legolas: Apparently. With Galdriel whilst mummering with Loreena McKennit.
Aragorn: I never get invited anywhere.
//
He was the most gorgeous elf she ever saw-not that Jadewyn ever saw one but still. He was setting by a little stream picking up leafs and twirling them in his fingers when she walked up to him.
//
Aragorn: So, by default, you were the most gorgeous elf she’d ever seen. You’re lucky she didn’t run across the Peredhel twins first.
Legolas: Sod off. I’m much better looking than they are.
Aragorn: You just keep telling yourself that.
Legolas: [muttering to himself] Still the prettiest. . . still the prettiest. . .
//
“Hello” she said. “My name is Jadewyn and I come from a different place. Elrond said Arwen found me in the woods.” She sat down next to the Elf who she knew had to be Legolas by his looks. It was just like in the movie-he had long blonde hair and blue eyes just like Jadewyn. His pointy ears were really cute and she thought he had nice dimples.
//
Aragorn: Gag me with a halfling!
Legolas: You’re just angry cos she’s not arse over tit for you.
Aragorn: [as drooling MarySue FanGirl] Oh, his dimples are so-oo cute! I just want to kiss them a-aall day!
Legolas: Stuff it.
Aragorn: Where?
Legolas: You know.
Aragorn: Bend over.
Legolas: Just- yeah. Fuck.
Time passes, and ARAGORN fucks LEGOLAS until LEGOLAS is a quivering mass of post-orgasmic goo with hair and teeth. More time passes, and LEGOLAS has composed himself. ARAGORN is proud of himself.
//
“Hi I am Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood.” He picked up a nother leaf and twisted it in his fingers, “You are really pretty. Are all the femailes in your land as beautifull as you?”
//
Legolas: Why do they always call me that? It’s Thranduilion, not Greenleaf, for fuck sake.
Aragorn: You honestly think fan girls can spell Thranduilion? You’re doing good to get them to spell Legolas right.
Legolas: They could look it up.
Aragorn: [laughs uncontrollably] Oh, fuck. You’re serious.
Legolas: Piss off.
//
Jadewyn blushed a little bit and Legolas laughed. “No not all of them.”
“Well then we are lucky that you have come here. Do you want to go for a walk with me?” Legolas stood up and grabbed Jadewyn’s hand. “I know a grate place to see beautifull scenry.”
//
Aragorn: I think I’m going to be sick.
Legolas: You? You’re not the one who has to take her to a grate place. She’s probably going to want me to kiss her, and I forgot my mouthrinse.
Aragorn: You’re so considerate.
Legolas: For afterwards, fuckwit.
Aragorn: So what, you’ve gone Scottish now?
Legolas: No, just looking through SugaryLime’s Kilty Good Fun photo album. It affects the brain.
Aragorn: Yeah, I have to take it in small doses. Who’s your favourite?
Legolas: Ewan.
Aragorn: Colour or black and white?
Legolas: Colour. From the Games.
Aragorn: Oh, yeah. Those are good. I like the ones-
Audience Member: AHEM.
Aragorn: Hey, if we’ve got to stare at something in a skirt, it’s going to be something worthwhile.
Random Scot #1 (not Liam): Ett’s not a skaerrrt, yah bastarrrd. Yerrr just jee-alous cos Ah’ve got betterrr legs than yerrr motherrr.
Random Scot #2 (could be Liam): This explains why you kept making me repeat that ridiculous line. But I don’t sound like that. Not the way you’re doing it.
SugaryLime: Um. I’ve got problems with my “r’s.” But you sound pretty close.
Random Scot #2: Well, fuck me.
Legolas, Aragorn, SugaryLime, and Random Scot #1: Okay!
//
Your all the scenry I need thought Jadewyn whe she followed Legolas. She couldn’t help stareing at his bum while they walked. She wanted to give it a little squeeze.
//
Legolas: Say one fucking word-
Aragorn: Well, your arse is quite, um, squeezable. Found myself just wanting to reach out there more than once.
Legolas: Well, all that traipsing through Mirkwood does wonders-
Aragorn: Traipsing?
Legolas: I’m a gay Elf who mostly bottoms. What did you expect?
Aragorn: Uh-oh.
Legolas: What?
Aragorn: The Stereotype Discreditisation Brigade are hauling SugaryLime away!
Several hours later, after SUGARYLIME has explained that she is, in point of fact, against stereotyping, and only uses it to illustrate stupidity, the SDB have let her go. She had to show them that she’s a bisexual, although not completely gay, British slashfic writer whose principal mission in life is to torment Mary Sue and her band of Roving Rabid FanGirls with the other Gay Shagging Cats. Good thing she had her ID card, eh? Now, on with the story. Oh, and she’d never sleep with Arwen, cos that’s just gross.
Aragorn: You’re telling me.
//
As they were walking Jadewyn noticed that she could keep up quite easily with Legolas.
“Your almost as surefooted as an Elf.” He said. “Are you an elf?”
“No there are no elves where I come from.”
//
Legolas: Here we go, the Big Setup. She’s going to turn out to be some Elven princess, I can feel it.
Aragorn: Um, that’s not what you feel.
Legolas: Oh. Ohhh
Ar
Aragorn: Heh.
//
When they came to a clearing in thre forrest Legolas took Jadewyn’s hand. He noticed her nails were painted purple.
//
Aragorn: [as Jadewyn] Hey! Give that back! I need it to squeeze your bum!
Legolas: Oh, piss off.
//
“Why are your nails such a colour?” He looked at them close. “I never saw it before.”
“It’s called nail pollish. You paint yout nails with it.”
//
Legolas: I thought you painted fingernails with it.
//
“Oh well it is very pretty just like you.” And he leant over to give her a kiss on the cheek.
--TO BE CONTINUED--
//
Aragorn: [vomits]
Legolas: Ugh!
Aragorn: Sorry.
Legolas: Not you. The ending to this chapter.
Aragorn: Yeah, I know. Let’s go get a drink before the next one.
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS leave the theatre together. ARAGORN resists the urge to give LEGOLAS’ bum a squeeze.
SugaryLime would like to thank her special helper for the special help on this instalment. You’ll realise what I mean when you get to it.
__________
LEGOLAS has managed to clean himself up just in time for ARAGORN to walk back into the theatre with popcorn.
Legolas: What’d you buy for me?
Aragorn: Nothing. What is this, a date?
Legolas: Bitter, party of one! Your table’s ready.
Aragorn: Fuck you.
Legolas: In a bit. Just had a good wank.
Aragorn: The Face?
Legolas: Yeah.
Aragorn: Shoe piccy?
Legolas: Yeah.
Aragorn: Mmm.
//
Chapter 2- Why am I Here?
//
Legolas: Because the condom broke.
//
“Elrond” Jadewyn said to the old elf. “why am I here in your land?” she didn’t understand why she would be sent to Middle Earth. Yeah she loves the books and she thought Legolas was really fit but that didn’t explane anything.
//
Aragorn: I feel like I’m in a bloody time machine! Past! Present! Past! Present!
//
“I do not know.” Elrond said. “But I do know one thing-everything happens for a reason so there is a reason you where sent here. Galdriel might have the answers I need.”
//
Legolas: Yeah, um, okay.
//
He went over to some books he had setting on a table and opened one. It looked like he was mummering to himself as he took the book and walked outside.
//
Aragorn: What, is he trying to find her number in the directory?
Legolas: Yeah, cos he has Galadriel’s memorised, but he always forgets Galdriel’s. He’s an old Elf, you know. His memory’s slipping.
Aragorn: Must be all that mummering.
//
A few days went by and Jadewyn was still stuck in Rivendale. While she was their she met a hansome elf naked Legolas.
//
Legolas: I’m hoping that’s a typo.
Aragorn: So, you’ve taken to roaming Rivendale naked, have you?
Legolas: Apparently. With Galdriel whilst mummering with Loreena McKennit.
Aragorn: I never get invited anywhere.
//
He was the most gorgeous elf she ever saw-not that Jadewyn ever saw one but still. He was setting by a little stream picking up leafs and twirling them in his fingers when she walked up to him.
//
Aragorn: So, by default, you were the most gorgeous elf she’d ever seen. You’re lucky she didn’t run across the Peredhel twins first.
Legolas: Sod off. I’m much better looking than they are.
Aragorn: You just keep telling yourself that.
Legolas: [muttering to himself] Still the prettiest. . . still the prettiest. . .
//
“Hello” she said. “My name is Jadewyn and I come from a different place. Elrond said Arwen found me in the woods.” She sat down next to the Elf who she knew had to be Legolas by his looks. It was just like in the movie-he had long blonde hair and blue eyes just like Jadewyn. His pointy ears were really cute and she thought he had nice dimples.
//
Aragorn: Gag me with a halfling!
Legolas: You’re just angry cos she’s not arse over tit for you.
Aragorn: [as drooling MarySue FanGirl] Oh, his dimples are so-oo cute! I just want to kiss them a-aall day!
Legolas: Stuff it.
Aragorn: Where?
Legolas: You know.
Aragorn: Bend over.
Legolas: Just- yeah. Fuck.
Time passes, and ARAGORN fucks LEGOLAS until LEGOLAS is a quivering mass of post-orgasmic goo with hair and teeth. More time passes, and LEGOLAS has composed himself. ARAGORN is proud of himself.
//
“Hi I am Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood.” He picked up a nother leaf and twisted it in his fingers, “You are really pretty. Are all the femailes in your land as beautifull as you?”
//
Legolas: Why do they always call me that? It’s Thranduilion, not Greenleaf, for fuck sake.
Aragorn: You honestly think fan girls can spell Thranduilion? You’re doing good to get them to spell Legolas right.
Legolas: They could look it up.
Aragorn: [laughs uncontrollably] Oh, fuck. You’re serious.
Legolas: Piss off.
//
Jadewyn blushed a little bit and Legolas laughed. “No not all of them.”
“Well then we are lucky that you have come here. Do you want to go for a walk with me?” Legolas stood up and grabbed Jadewyn’s hand. “I know a grate place to see beautifull scenry.”
//
Aragorn: I think I’m going to be sick.
Legolas: You? You’re not the one who has to take her to a grate place. She’s probably going to want me to kiss her, and I forgot my mouthrinse.
Aragorn: You’re so considerate.
Legolas: For afterwards, fuckwit.
Aragorn: So what, you’ve gone Scottish now?
Legolas: No, just looking through SugaryLime’s Kilty Good Fun photo album. It affects the brain.
Aragorn: Yeah, I have to take it in small doses. Who’s your favourite?
Legolas: Ewan.
Aragorn: Colour or black and white?
Legolas: Colour. From the Games.
Aragorn: Oh, yeah. Those are good. I like the ones-
Audience Member: AHEM.
Aragorn: Hey, if we’ve got to stare at something in a skirt, it’s going to be something worthwhile.
Random Scot #1 (not Liam): Ett’s not a skaerrrt, yah bastarrrd. Yerrr just jee-alous cos Ah’ve got betterrr legs than yerrr motherrr.
Random Scot #2 (could be Liam): This explains why you kept making me repeat that ridiculous line. But I don’t sound like that. Not the way you’re doing it.
SugaryLime: Um. I’ve got problems with my “r’s.” But you sound pretty close.
Random Scot #2: Well, fuck me.
Legolas, Aragorn, SugaryLime, and Random Scot #1: Okay!
//
Your all the scenry I need thought Jadewyn whe she followed Legolas. She couldn’t help stareing at his bum while they walked. She wanted to give it a little squeeze.
//
Legolas: Say one fucking word-
Aragorn: Well, your arse is quite, um, squeezable. Found myself just wanting to reach out there more than once.
Legolas: Well, all that traipsing through Mirkwood does wonders-
Aragorn: Traipsing?
Legolas: I’m a gay Elf who mostly bottoms. What did you expect?
Aragorn: Uh-oh.
Legolas: What?
Aragorn: The Stereotype Discreditisation Brigade are hauling SugaryLime away!
Several hours later, after SUGARYLIME has explained that she is, in point of fact, against stereotyping, and only uses it to illustrate stupidity, the SDB have let her go. She had to show them that she’s a bisexual, although not completely gay, British slashfic writer whose principal mission in life is to torment Mary Sue and her band of Roving Rabid FanGirls with the other Gay Shagging Cats. Good thing she had her ID card, eh? Now, on with the story. Oh, and she’d never sleep with Arwen, cos that’s just gross.
Aragorn: You’re telling me.
//
As they were walking Jadewyn noticed that she could keep up quite easily with Legolas.
“Your almost as surefooted as an Elf.” He said. “Are you an elf?”
“No there are no elves where I come from.”
//
Legolas: Here we go, the Big Setup. She’s going to turn out to be some Elven princess, I can feel it.
Aragorn: Um, that’s not what you feel.
Legolas: Oh. Ohhh
Ar
Aragorn: Heh.
//
When they came to a clearing in thre forrest Legolas took Jadewyn’s hand. He noticed her nails were painted purple.
//
Aragorn: [as Jadewyn] Hey! Give that back! I need it to squeeze your bum!
Legolas: Oh, piss off.
//
“Why are your nails such a colour?” He looked at them close. “I never saw it before.”
“It’s called nail pollish. You paint yout nails with it.”
//
Legolas: I thought you painted fingernails with it.
//
“Oh well it is very pretty just like you.” And he leant over to give her a kiss on the cheek.
--TO BE CONTINUED--
//
Aragorn: [vomits]
Legolas: Ugh!
Aragorn: Sorry.
Legolas: Not you. The ending to this chapter.
Aragorn: Yeah, I know. Let’s go get a drink before the next one.
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS leave the theatre together. ARAGORN resists the urge to give LEGOLAS’ bum a squeeze.