Passed Miss Steaks

Passed Miss Steaks.
Starring virgin!Legolas and randy!Aragorn
By SugaryLime, who has a rather disturbing obsession with rimjobs, and would likely rim Elijah, Dominic, and Orli if they but asked . . . be right back. Okay, I'm back. Sorry, had to take care of some, ehm, personal business.


[Enter Legolas and Aragorn. They the their seats in the front row. Shut up.]

Legolas: Oh, goodie gumdrop. Another bloody Mary Sue. [makes mental note to kill himself later]

Aragorn: At least this time she's not trying to fuck us. That's what I heard.

Legolas: But she's supposed to be my *daughter*. I'm still a virgin! Little Legolas had never even *seen* a pussy! I want a DNA test!

Aragorn: [falls off his chair laughing] You call it "Little Legolas?" And you're a three-thousand-year-old *virgin*?

Legolas: Yeah. Why? And what do you call *yours?*

Aragorn: [mumbles]

Legolas: [laughing "˜til tears run down his cheeks] The Royal Sceptre? That's too much, really!

Aragorn: [blushing fiercely] Can we just do this already?

Legolas: Fine, Your Majesty. [mumbling] Royal Sceptre . . . fucking humans.

//
Audringail Of Illithin -- Daughter of Legolas
//

Legolas: D'you think she means *Ithilien*?

Aragorn: Maybe. Hard to tell with thesry Sry Sues.

//
Legolas walked with Aragorn around the grounds of the city that he planned. Mirkwood was falling apart; nothing that Thrandruil could do would be enough to save it. This wat to be a haven for those who did not depart for the Undying Lands.
//

Legolas: Who's this *Thrandruil* bloke? Certainly not my father, since his name's *Thranduil*.

Aragorn: You know, Thrandruil from Illithin.

Legolas: Hmm, then maybe *he's* Audringail's father.

Aragorn: I think these girls should learn to spell easy words like "was" before they set about writing entire stories.

Legolas: Too right! But if we spent time pointing out all the badly spelt words, we'd be here for an Age.

//
It was Aragorn, however, who had ultamatly made the decision that it would be made,
//

Leg Legolas: What would be made?

Aragorn: The city, nimrod.

Legolas: Paaaardon me, O Decipherer of Poorly Referenced Pronouns.

//
but under the conditions that all races not befor allied with Mordor and unforgiven would be allowed to enter and live there as well if they wished. Conditions that the prince of Mirkwood redaly agreed with, for he himself had thought of sugh things as well.
//

Aragorn: So, what she's saying is that we will allow the Orcs, who should be non-existent at this point, live in this Elven Haven that I'm building? And that's the only way that I'll build it- if the non-existent Orcs can live there as well?

Leg: N: No. She's saying that all races who *weren't* allied with Mordor can come. The unforgiven bit I don't get. If they weren't allied with Mordor, why are they unforgiven?

Aragorn: Who the hell knows? Say, are you using a new shampoo? Your hair's really shiny.

Legolas: Huh?

Aragorn: [looks down at the floor] Ehm, nothing. Nothing at all.

//
"I thought that none were to come here other than to build than those who were able to help." Aragorn said, pointing over at a elfling who seemed to be inspecting the beginnings of a housing wall.
//

Legolas: [still secretly excited that Aragorn noticed his hair] An. *An* Elfling. An. An. An.

//
The girl wore a brown riding skirt, a light brown, nearly white, shirt, and leather sandles. A cloak similer to that of those given to the fellowship in Lorien, was pinned around her waste for convienieance.
//

Aragorn: How is light brown nearly white? And why is she carrying around her poo wrapped in a cloak?

Legolas: For convenience. Or convienieance. Or cos she's seriously fucking mental.

Aragorn: [fighting sudden urge to lick Legolas] Yeah, mental. Got to be.

//
A purse made from a fine cut of leather hung at her side with the weight of manny coins in it.
//


Aragorn: As opposed to the womanny coins, which hardly weigh a thing.

//
On the other side of her belt was a gold daggar with designs of leaves and a royal emblem were etched in silver. Not a flaw was in it's hlt and sheeth. Aragorn believed that the blade must be of steel just as fine.
//

Legolas: Cos yeah, steel is just as fine as silver and gold. Ever hear of a Pound Steel? I think not.

Aragorn: Pound? Steel? Who's getting pounded with steel?

Legolas: You're not paying attention, are you?

Aragorn: [rereading and thinking of sheathing his own steel- to the hilt- and doing some pounding] Yeah, ehm, she's an idiot.

Legolas: [rolls eyes] Let's move on, shall we?

//
She had a mass of golden hair that fell down to her waste when standing,
//

Both: EWWW. . .

//
and the brownist eyes that one could imagen set in flawless, ivory pale skin. Her light build made her look fragile; the self assured mannar that she caried herself with gave the sence of purity and being compleatly nieve. Still, the dagger gave a warning. The travel worne cloths and the fact that she carried a weapon should be enough to warn one that the beauty was as deadly as the lovely leapord.
//

Legolas: Where to begin?

Aragorn: From the tip and work your way down s-l-o-w-l-y.

Legolas: What the hell? I mean the paragraph, you idiot. So many fuck-ups, so little time. And I'm immortal for pity's sake, so you know it's bad.

Aragorn: I'm still trying to figure out where she got the spiffing talking dagger. I'm a King of Men, and *I* don't have one! No fair!

Legolas: [puts on his "travel worne cloths" in an attempt to look deadly] What do you think?

Aragorn: I think you ought to get naked, let me fuck you, and get dressed again. [nod to the twinses]

Legolas: Riiiiight. Ehm, you been at the Gaffer's home brew?

Aragorn: No. Well, yes, but that's hardly the point. ~hic~

//
Befor Legolas could answer, the elfling looked up and saw them. Immediatly, she ran to Legolas.

"Father, it has been so long." she embraced him without a thought for the mortal becide them.
//

Aragorn: Thought she was an Elfling. . .

Legolas: Very mature for her age, I reckon.

//
"It is good to see you again, Audringail." he returned and gently pushed her back to meet the king. "This isdaugdaughter, Audringail, and this is the king of Gondor and Arnor, Elessar."

"You are mortal with an elvish name. How is this?" she asked.

"Estel has deep roots, as deep as our own if not deeper, Audringail."
//

Legolas: How can a man- no offence- have deeper roots, so to speak, than and Elf? Weren't we here first?

Aragorn: [absently] Yeah, first. So let me get this straight- you've *never* had sex?

Legolas: NO. Okay? No, no, no. Now get it. it.

Aragorn: But why? That's what I want to know.

Legolas: [shrugs] Never came up.

Aragorn: [really trying not to laugh] What?! Never? You mean you've never had an-

Legolas: The *subject*, you sod. The *subject* never came up. Now, enough.

//
"I would also like to know why you have such eyes? Your father and yourself are verry unique in that matter." Aragorn said as if talking to an elder.

"Grandfather could not even answer when I asked the verry same question." Audringail commented.
//

Legolas: Meaningless dialogue alert!

Aragorn: Run for your lives, it's Jerry!

Legolas: What the fuck?

Aragorn: Nothing- in joke. [winks at Veevs and Goodtwin] But you do have magnificent eyes. Wanna fuck?

Legolas: And Arwen puts up with this?

Aragorn: Nah, I don't get any from her either.

//
The sun was setting as Aragorn and Legolas walked back to their tents. Evry one had their own set whearever they thought would be the best spot not alredy taken by another. Those who didn't have tents would join with another or sleep out in the open if they couldn't find the matereals neccisary to make one.
//

Aragorn: Because pitching your tent on top of someone else's just isn't polite.

Legolas: All that tent sharing just sounds like an excuse for an orgy, if you ask me. [secretly gets hot thinking about orgy]

Aragorn: Who needs an excuse?

//
"Never have you mentiond having a family. As I recall it, you once said that love was foolishness." Estel said with concern.
//

Legolas: Well, it is! All that mushy-gushy shit. Who needs it? Anniversaries to remember, birthdays to remember- just a headache if you ask me.

Aragorn: Bitter, party of one.

Legolas: I'm not bitter.

Aragorn: You need to get laid. That would sweeten you right up.

Legolas: [tries to sound apathetic instead of randy as all fuck] Ugh. Fine. You want to fuck me so bad, do it.

Aragorn: [strips faster than you can say "˜mae govannen, Legolas Thranduilion']

Legolas: [faints]

-- We now interrupt the previously scheduled programme to bring you "Legolas Gets Laid." Thank-you for watching BBC Middle Earth.--

Legolas wakes up, naked and tied to the theatre seat. Aragorn is nowhere to be found. His clothes, however, are in a neat pile on the floor. Legolas vaguely wonders where Aragorn could have gone without his clothes, and hopes he didn't get arrested.

When Aragorn appears a few moments later, he's got a tube of lube [Hey! I made a rhyme!] in his hand and part of the Times pressed up against his front. He makes a mental note to carry lube wherever he goes to avoid this situation in the future.

"You look so hot," Aragorn says as he gets on his knees in front of Legolas. "I could just bury myself between your thighs and never come out."

-- We now interrupt this interruption to resume "Passed Miss Steaks." BBC Middle Earth: Your place for Interspecies Gay Seksâ„¢. --

//
Legolas' face turned from mear pleasure in the scents of the wild flowers and natural springs into one of hidden grief and sorrow. He had made mistakes, and had found it hard to face them. Estel knew that look, it was one that he'd worn manny times befor after stealing the heart of an elven princess, now his wife and soon to be mother of his child.
//

Legolas: I thought she was already born? And who the fuck is this Elven princess? There's only one Elf-King and two Elf-Lords, and I know none of *them*--

Aragorn: Calm down! Jesus Christ! And I thought finally getting some would help you out in the attitude department. I think she's talking about *me* anyway. I *did* marry an Elven princess, remember?

Legolas: Oh, yeah. Heh. Sorry, mate. Just, ehm, never mind me.

//
"I'd rather not speek of my past problems." Legolas said. His tone indicated that the subject was over.
//

Legolas: I probably don't want to *speak* of them either.

//
Aragorn persisted, however. "What was the mistake? Is your daughter not happy as she is? Are you not fawnd of her potential with her beauty?
//

Aragorn: Hold it! Fond of her potential with her beauty? What the hell does that mean?

Legolas: How should I know? Never ask someone who's just had his first-fuck-ever deep questions like that.

Is
Is her mother not what you wished her to be?"
//

Legolas: Yeah, I would rather have preferred her to be a Ranger-turned-King who gives marvellous rimjobs . . .

Aragorn: Marvellous, really?

Legolas: Well, it's not like I have anything to compare it to, but yeah.

Aragorn: [gloats to himself]

//
"I don't like saying it, but if you truly wish to know, this shall put your qustions away." he paused to calm himself and back away from the gap that he'd closed in less than a second only moments befor.
//

Legolas: Not . . . making . . . sense . . .

SugaryLime: [wants very badly to say something about minding the gap] Please mind the gap! [smiles]

Aragorn: Who the fuck?

Legolas: That's SugaryLime. We go way back. She lives in Lonnon Taaahn with her cats, who are gay and incestuous. Like Elladan and Elrohir, only they're four-legged and furry, and they have yellow eyes that shine like shiny yellow shiny things. That are yellow. And shiny.

Aragorn: So not like Elladan and Elrohir at all then. I see.

//

"Arwen suffers for you dayly, but she is willing to pay the price to be with you. Cara... Cara was another matter. She was younger than me by only three mortal years. At the time, she was the most beautyful thing in the form of woman that existed since Luthien, for it was long befor Arwen's time,
//

Legolas: I'm not older than Arwen, am I?

SugaryLime: Don't think so.

Aragorn: You can't just start talking at the end of the story.

SugaryLime: Can so. I'm the author. I can do as I bloody well please. So stuff off, Kingy.

Legolas: You're *beautyful*.

Aragorn and SugaryLime: I know.

Aragorn: [growls]

//
but long after Tinuvial's time.
//

Aragorn: Say it with me: Tin-u-viEl. Tinuviel.

//
A little bit of flirting had gone too far. Not long after, what was left of Gondolen began to fall yet again. She insisted in fighting to save it.
//

Aragorn: Cara. Is that an Elven name?

Legolas: Yeah, right along with Audringail. From Illithen. Next tube stop west of Gondolen, you know.

//
Cara gained manny to fight with her, but she did not know that she carried my child, nor did I at the time. Audringail was borne not long befor the first battle, but it wasn't enough to keep Cara from fighting. I would have gone in her place, but was forced to stay to care for the baby.
//

Aragorn: Manny. Is that an Elven name?

Legolas: Shut it. m stm stuck at home playing Mr Mom to my *alleged* illegitimate child whilst some tart with whom I *allegedly* had "˜relations' is off fighting a war? So not fair.

//
There were noers ers who could at the time. The first stroke that fell the first day of waring killed Cara. My fathering a child at that age was like a twelve year old mortal fathering a child, do you see? If it weren't for my father and the things that I had done fot them in the time befor then, I d had have been sent out. My only hope would have been Elros, but then, one must concider his choices, which would have placed me in even grater dangers, most definitly taking the life of my child."
//

egolegolas: Do I really prattle on incoherently like that?

Aragorn: [looks away and whistles innocently]

Legolas: And what the hell does Elros have to do with anything? Is he supposed to be Cara's father in this twisted fangirl's mind?

Aragorn: Okay . . . wait. This Cara, she's three years your junior, you're twelve, which makes her nine in mortal years, and she's off fighting in wars? And why are you in grater danger?

Legolas: Scraped my thumb shredding cheese.

Aragorn: If all this happened *before* Arwen's time, and I'm now King of Gondor, why is Audr-whatever still a fucking Elfling? [goes into a stuttering fit]

//
"I'm sorry, my friend. I should not have pried."
"No, you shouldn't have." the elf scorned.
//

Legolas: What an ending. Where the hell was the plot?

Aragorn: Buh-buh-buh

Legolas: Great. Now I've got a semi-catatonic King to look after. Thanks a lot SugaryLime, for subjecting him to this!

SugaryLime: Look on the brighde. de. Think of all the ways you can snap him out of it.

Legolas: Buh-buh-buh . . .