Stupid Girl

Disclaimer: I made this shit up for my own pervy pleasure. Never happened. I think.

Archive: Limey Sugar.

Feeback: limey_sugar@yahoo.co.uk PLEASE. PLEASE. Yeah.

Rating: R for language. I like to say fuck, okay?

A/N: The girl is *not * a Mary Sue. I swear it. She looks nothing like me, and holds none of my personality traits. She actually sort of resembles a girl I worked with once: Cynthia McElwee. Nice girl, she was. Fucked my boyfriend behind my back. Hmm, so maybe it is a Mary Sue, only I’m Elijah. Anyway, enjoy the story.

I thought of this on the flight from Heathrow to Denver Int'l. It's not supposed to be deep, kiddies. It was a time killer. So don't tell me how stupid it is, cos I KNOW.

Daft-est line of the century: “Fine, so we’re both looking . . . Nowantwant to touch.”

* * * *

Elijah hated it when *she* was there. The way she held fast to Orlando could put a barnacle to shame. When Orli shifted left, she shifted left. When Orli put his arm on the coffee table, she draped her hand over his. It even seemed as though she was trying to match his breathing. Elijah was nauseated.

Sometimes Orlando went with all allowing the stupid bint to cling to him like that, even clinging back a little. Other times, like tonight, he wore a look of utter disgust on his face every time she touched him or kissed the back of his neck. Which meant that the look never faded.

They’d only been seeing each other for six weeks. Elijah could remember the night they met: He, Orlando, Dominic, and Billy had all gone to a club they’d not been to before, but had come highly recommended by some of the crew. All four of them had been out on the dance floor, having a perfectly good time. Dom and Billy had been engaged in their usual antics, leaving Elijah and Orlando to themselves. That had been nice.

Then Orli’d wanted another beer, so he went to the bar. That’s where he saw her. She’d engaged him in some inane conversation, tossed her hair, and leant way over so that Orlando could see down her shirt. He looked.

“Jealous, that’s what you are,” Billy had said on more than one occasion since that damned night. He was joking, or Elijah thought he was joking, thinking all along that Billy had no idea how right he was. Billy knew. Everyone knew. Almost everyone.

The entire country of New Zealand had heard Elijah’s heart fall- splat- on the floor and burst into a million zillion tiny pieces when Orlando kissed her. Everyone except Orlando and that stupid cunt with her arms and legs- no, *tentacles*- wrapped around him.

What was her name? Nadine? Natalie? Elijah didn’t even make the effort to remember. Out loud, she was Orli’s Girlfriend. In Elijah’s private thoughts, she was The Bitch. She wasn’t ugly, or even unattractive; Natalie-Nadine was actually quite pretty. Her red hair was shoulder-length, and a smattering of freckles covered her cheeks and nose. She had emerald eyes that reflected every bit of light in the room. No, she wasn’t ugly at all. Until she latched onto Orlando.

He couldn’t stand looking at them any longer and walked into the kitchen for another beer. Dom was there. “You know, Elijah, he doesn’t love her.” Dominic’s voice in Elijah’s ear snapped him out of his pitiful walk down memory lane. “I think he just likes fucking her.”

“Thanks, Sblom. Just what I needed to hear.” Now he had to actually *imagine* the two of them screwing.

“Yeah, mate. No prob.” Dom smacked Elijah on the back of the head and went back to join the others in the loungeroom. Elijah stayed in the kitchen awhile longer, leaning against the counter, sipping his beer. He didn’t expect it when Orlando walked in. Sans The Bitch. That was novel.

“Move yer arse, Lij. Need a beer.” Orli playfully moved Elijah out of the way, his hands on Elijah’s upper arms.

“The Bi- um, she driving you to drink?”

-- Shit. Don’t hate me for letting that slip. Please.--

“Yeah, mate. The bint’s driving me to drink. Shit, I mean she won’t let me fucking breathe sometimes.” Cracking open his can of beer, Orlando sat at the kitchen table. “I don’t know if I’m going to make it through the bloody night.”

--You and I both.--

“Sorry, Orli.” What else was there to say?

“You wanna skip out the back door and head for the beach? I need a break.” A break, of course.

“Okay.”

* * * *

Elijah looked so perfect sometimes. This was one of those times. And it took all Orlando had to keep from pushing him over into the sand and snogging him senseless. He’d thought often about all the things he would do with Elijah: kiss him on the nose, maybe, or sit behind him and lean his chin on Elijah’s shoulder and watch the sunset. It was all horribly sappy and romantic.

Orli only felt a tiny bit guilty that he thought of Elijah when he was in bed with Natalie. Only a tiny bit guilty that when he opened his eyes in the morning he was disappointed to see her and not Elijah. Who was he kidding? He didn’t feel guilty at all. new new that the only reason she was with him is because he was in the movie. Starfucker. Well, Orlando wasn’t a star, but still. She didn’t care that he was a nice guy who loved his dog and his mum and walks in the rain. And Elijah. Not that she knew about Elijah. Not *really*.

“What’s on your mind, Lij? You’ve been quiet all bloody night.”

“Nothing much. Same as usual.” Orlando.

“We’re pretty good mates, yeah? And we can tell each other anything.” Orli sounded like a ten-year-old girl. “I mean that if there was something bugging you, you’d tell me?”

“Yeah, I would, but- ”

“Then what the hell’s going on? You doneem eem yourself tonight.” Orlando draped his arm across Elijah’s shoulders. He wanto muo much to pull him close, to hold him, that he thought he might spontaneously combust.

“Oh. Sorry.” Elijah lit a cigarette and took a long pull. The scent of cloves mingled with the scent of salt and sea. “Okay. There’s this girl wanted to hook up with, but she’s got a boyfriend. She uh, turned me down.”

Fuck. Shit. Damn. Bloody hell. A girl. Of course. And why wouldn’t there be a girl? Because Orlando didn’t want there to be. Because Elijah should be a guy’s guy. But Orlando was a guy’s guy, and *he* had a girl. Maybe . . . no.

“Sorry, mate. Anyone I know?”

“Uh, I don’t think so.”

Orlando had to try and act like he was upset that this mystery girl had hurt his good mate. He had to try and act like he *wasn’t* upset that this mystery *girl* had hurt Elijah. Girl girl girl. “Oh, well then, what’s she like? Pretty little thing, yeah?”

“Yeah, pretty. That about covers it. I don’t wanna talk about it, Orli.” Another long drag and the cigarette was cast to the sand, half-smoked. “Let’s go back.”

“Fine. But she’s fucking stupid.” Stop. Salvage. “I mean, you’re so bloody gorgeous and all.” He made a kissy face at Elijah.

“Shut up.” Elijah stood and brushed the sand off his pants. “Or I’ll tell Nadine you tried to have your way with me on the beach.”

“Natalie.”

“What-the-fuck-ever. She’d piss her pants if she thought you liked pretty little boys like me.”

“Yeah. That’d be funny.” So Goddamned funny. “Huh.”

What was *really* funny was that she’d actually accused him of staring at Elijah’s arse the other night when they’d all gone out to a pub together. He’d denied it, she’d accepted it, and the night went on.

* * * *

Why did he have to lie to Orlando? Oh, yes, because confessing your love for your obviously-straight good mate is not the smartest thing to do if you wanted to stay good mates.

When the two had made it back to the house, everyone was in the kitchen. The Bitch was furious. She’d been ranting the entire time Orlando and Elijah were out.

“Where the bloody hell did you go? Why didn’t you let me go with you? Why did *he* go with you? Are you fucking *queer*? I fucking *knew* it.” She was gesturing wildly with her hands and little drops of spit were flying out of her mouth. “I fucking *knew* you were looking at him! You denied it but I fucking knew!”

Elijah had to admit that Orlando did a good job of ignoring her. Until that last thing. Then he turned as red as the shirt Billy was wearing. Elijah couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or pissed off. He just stared with his face red and his mouth hanging open.

“Orlando,” Elijah started to say, but Orli left the room, left the house, slamming the front door. So he turned to Nadine-Natalie-whatever and let her have it. “You fucking stupid bitch! You have no fucking clue what you’ve got do you? How goddamned lucky you are? You don’t know!”

“Lij! Hey, mate, calm down!” Oh, good old Dominic. “Look, we’ve all had too much to drink, and I think it’s time we went home. Natalie, you too.”

“You can’t tell me to leave Orlando’s house! If he wants me gone, he can bloody well tell me himself.”

“Sblomie’s right, love. We all should go. Work this out when we’re sober.” Billy, the voice of reason? The piss-drunk voice of reason talking about being sober. Hah. He placed his hand on her back and started her toward the back door.

“Fine. Then *he* leaves too.” A head-nod in Elijah’s general direction.

“Fine, but I’m going out the front.” Maybe Elijah could catch up to Orli, if Orli was walking. “I’ll see you all on set Monday.” Glare at The Bitch. “And you in Hell.”

* * * *

Orlando hadn’t gone anywhere except the front porch. He didn’t even want to go that far, but he couldn’t be in the same house with Elijah after what Natalie had said. Now what would Lij think? That Orli was a pervy bastard with nothing better to do than stare at his arse? Yeah, probably.

--Shit, here he comes.--

“Billy and Dom left and took Nad- Natalie- with them. They went out the kitchen.” Elijah sat down on the step next to Orli and put his hand rli’rli’s knee. Casual.

“Thanks.”

“You were looking at me?”

“What?” Fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck. “I always look at you.” Shit. No.

“I never see you looking at me. And I should know, because *I* always look at *you*.”

“I make sure I look when you’re not looking.” This was starting to sound like a tired old comedy routine. “Or something.”

“Fine, so we’re both looking.” Elijah started to draw circles on Orli’s knee with his index finger. Orli closed his eyes. “But now I want to touch.”

END.