Disrupting Haldir's World

Chapter 9 – The Final Test


“Elisabeth, I am leaving for the Northern Fences,” Haldir said a few days later. “Will you come with me?”

“How long will you be there?” she asked, sitting down on his lap and putting her arms around his neck.

“Two weeks. It is too long to be without you,” he said, kissing her fingers.

“Do you often take elleths with you when you are on duty?” she asked.

“No, never before,” he replied, with some annoyance, “but Elisabeth…”

“Then I do not think that I should go, either,” she said firmly. “Remember, I want you to treat me as you would any of the others.”

He sighed and nodded. They spent the morning together before it was finally time for him to leave.

“I shall see you in two weeks,” he promised her, as he kissed her goodbye.

She waved as he walked away, hating to see him go, but feeling as though she had done the right thing. Either they would have the same sort of relationship that he had with all of his other elleths, or he would commit to her and then she would give herself to him completely, heart and soul. For now, as much as she loved him, she was still holding back, still cautious about the possibility of being hurt. It would be a long two weeks, but she could do it; somehow.

~~~~~~~~~

Haldir was back at the lake, pacing again. He’d only been gone a few days and he was completely miserable. He wanted Elisabeth with him now and for the rest of their lives. No longer concerned about his freedom or lack of it, he was ready to bind himself to the one that he loved, but he was concerned about the point that Elisabeth had brought up. Haldir was the only lover she had ever known and she had never even kissed another. It was possible that she only thought she loved Haldir because he was her first, her only love. There was no basis of comparison for her, whatsoever. How could he ask her to bind herself to him, forsaking all others, when she had never experienced another? He contemplated this for most of the two weeks he was gone and came to a difficult decision the day before he was to return.

~~~~~~~~~

Elisabeth had found it hard to concentrate on anything for the last few days, even the simple tasks that she had convinced Lady Galadriel to give her to fill the time. Haldir was supposed to be back any day now and just the thought of seeing him again made her pulse increase. She had missed him so much that it hurt.

When she went to bed that night, he was all she could think about and she had to promise herself that she would not leap into his arms the moment he returned. His other elleths did not do that and neither would she. Elisabeth had barely dozed off before she felt a weight settle onto her bed. A hand covered her mouth as she opened it to scream, but soon a smooth voice whispered into her ear, “I missed you, Elisabeth.”

Relieved, she put her arms around him and held him close, her resolve slipping away as he began to rain kisses across her face and neck. Against her better judgment, she allowed him to stay the whole night and when morning came, they had not slept at all. In the early dawn, she watched him, running her fingers over his face, wanting to memorize every inch of it.

“Elisabeth?” he said, after gazing at her for a long moment.

“Yes, Haldir?” she replied.

“I think I am ready for that commitment, but I want to do one thing first,” he told her.

Her heart sped up. Despite what she had told him, she knew now that she wanted nothing more than to bind herself to Haldir and spend the rest of her life with him. This was her dream.

“I would like you to spend one night with another just to be sure this is what you want,” he said.

It was the last thing she had expected to hear come out of his mouth and she simply stared at him for a while, incredulous. “Are you saying what I think you are saying?”

“I know you were worried about not having ever been with another lover, and this way you would know for sure,” he said, running his finger along her lip.

“No, Haldir,” she started, wondering how to talk her way out of this one. She wished now that she had never made the comment and didn’t know if she could admit that it had been said, rather childishly, to throw him off balance. “I do not want to do that.”

He sighed. He had suspected that she would deny wanting this when it really came down to it, though she was the one who had brought it up in the first place. He had to convince her to do it and he knew of only one way.

“Elisabeth, I wish to spend one more night with someone else, too, just to be sure,” he said, not looking her in the eye.

“Oh,” she said in a small voice. She did not know what to say for a long time. “Is this really what you want?”

“Yes,” he replied. “One night and we should both know for sure.”

“All right, Haldir,” she replied, when she finally was able to speak.

“Good,” he tried to smile. The words came out with difficulty, “Do you wish to be with Rúmil or is there somebody else you would prefer?”

“It does not matter,” she said, trying to keep her face emotionless. She had no desire to be with anybody else and she hated to think about him being with another female. A picture of Tara popped unbidden into her head.

“Will it be Tara that you are with?” she asked, biting back the horrible surge of jealousy.

“Yes, she was always my favorite,” he admitted, truthfully.

Elisabeth smiled, but felt as though a dagger had been thrust through her heart.

“Rúmil will do just fine,” she said, not wanting him to see how badly he had hurt her. “I find him very handsome and I have heard that he is a skilled lover.”

“He probably told you that himself,” Haldir muttered, unable to think about the two of them together. “I shall talk to him about it.”

“I think I shall go for a walk,” Elisabeth said, wanting to be alone.

She left the talan and walked through the trees, finally making her way to the bluff overlooking Caras Galadhon. Rúmil was wonderful but she had no desire to be with him that way. She desired only Haldir, yet if he wanted to be with Tara, she would not stop him. Her heart felt as though it were going to tear in half. Would this be the end of it or would there always be one more time he would want Tara or one of the others? Her heart was heavy as she walked back to her talan.

~~~~~~~~

It was late afternoon when Haldir knocked on Elisabeth’s door. He had a hard time meeting her eyes as he spoke to her.

“It is all arranged. I will be spending tonight with Tara and Rúmil has very happily agreed to …be with you. We can talk tomorrow and see how we both feel then,” he said, finally looking up.

She simply nodded and when he went to kiss her, she pulled back after their lips barely touched.

“Tomorrow, then,” he said, as the door slammed shut on him.

~~~~~~~~~

Haldir paced around his talan. He had done more pacing in the last month than he had ever done in his life. Hopefully, he was doing the right thing, allowing Elisabeth this time to experience being with another. Hopefully he wouldn’t kill Rúmil after it was over. He thought about Tara and it gave him no pleasure at all. Pacing a while longer, he wondered if Elisabeth would enjoy being with Rúmil but he quickly blocked out that thought. He would go to Tara when it grew dark outside.

~~~~~~~~~

Rúmil showed up with a bottle of wine and a smile, long before sunset. Opening the door, Elisabeth felt awkward and wasn’t sure how to act around Haldir’s brother for the first time since she had met him. He talked to her as he opened the bottle and poured them each a glass, giving her the opportunity to relax. Sitting on the floor with his legs crossed as they both finished off their first glass of wine, Rúmil encouraged Elisabeth to talk, making her feel more comfortable. When he poured more wine for both of them, he placed the glasses on a small table this time and sat down next to Elisabeth on the loveseat. He smiled at her and brushed the hair back from her face as he gently kissed her and lightly ran his fingers over her cheek. Rúmil was indeed very skilled and he kissed very well, but he was not Haldir. She wanted the feel of Haldir’s fuller, soft lips on her face.

Nervous, Elisabeth grabbed her glass of wine and quickly drank it, hoping it would give her the courage she needed to get through this night. Understanding, Rúmil poured her another glass before he resumed his exploration of her mouth, pulling her onto his lap this time and running his hand down her back.

“I do not know if I can do this, Rúmil,” she finally admitted, wanting to warn him before it went too far.

“It is completely up to you, Elisabeth,” he assured her, “but just remember what Haldir is doing right now. I have been with Tara before, and I will guarantee you that they are not discussing the weather.”

An image of Haldir slamming himself into the lovely Tara jumped into her head and Elisabeth pulled Rúmil closer. Deepening the kiss, she dragged him down onto the couch with her.

~~~~~~~~~

Haldir knocked on the door to find Tara wearing a gown that left very little to the imagination. Her long blonde hair flowed almost to her waist and the smell of her perfume filled the talan. He smiled as she let him in.

“I have missed you, Haldir,” she said, kissing him and rubbing her body against his. She had no desire for small talk but wanted to get him into bed as soon as possible. She had only this one night to convince him not to bind himself to the human and she didn’t want to waste any time.

Haldir returned her kiss, but he did not feel the passion he usually did when they were together. Tara ran her hands down his chest and further, finally pressing one hand over his leggings. She felt him respond and she continued to move her hand over him until he was hard. She was certain that she had him now. Smiling, she took his tunic off, before slowly slipping her dress over her own head, eyes on him as he watched her undress. She noticed that she didn’t see the smile on his face that was usually there when she disrobed before him and was about to ask if something was wrong, but he grabbed her hand before she had the chance and led her to the bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~

Rúmil placed Elisabeth on her bed, before tossing his tunic aside. He was lean and toned, but his body did nothing for Elisabeth because he did not compare to Haldir. This wasn’t right; she did not want to make love to Rúmil and it wasn’t fair to him. How would she ever be able to bind herself to Haldir after she had been with his brother? She should have chosen somebody else, but she didn’t know anybody else well enough for something this intimate. Rúmil lay down on the bed next to her and ran his hand down her body, which was now covered only in her chemise. Separating her legs with his knees, he lowered some of his weight onto her and pressed against her as he kissed her neck. When he rolled onto his side to undo his leggings, he noticed a tear on her face. His hands left the laces of his leggings and he instead wiped away the tear.

“Elisabeth, we do not have to do this,” he told her, kissing her forehead. “If it is not what you want, then I do not want it either.”

“I do not feel right about agreeing to it then changing my mind,” she told him, touching his cheek.

“Haldir is concerned because you have only been with him,” Rúmil reminded her. “What if you bind yourself to him and always wonder what it would have been like to be with another?”

“I will not,” she said, absolutely certain. “I know what I want and there is not a shred of doubt in my mind. I only want Haldir.”

“I thought so,” Rúmil said, kissing her lightly one last time. He rose and dressed.

“Rúmil, are you upset with me?” she asked him.

“No, not at all,” he replied, smiling. “It felt wrong since it was not what you wanted. If I hurry, though, I know a certain elleth that might be very happy to see me tonight.” He stopped before walking out the door and added, “Of course, if you change your mind you know where I live.”

She listened as the door closed and then she began to cry, trying not to think about what Haldir was doing with Tara at the moment.

~~~~~~~~~

Haldir looked at the beautiful naked body of the elleth in the bed with him and felt nothing. Her hand was on him now and she moaned as she rubbed herself against him, urging him to take her.

“Tara,” he finally said, pulling her hand away. “I cannot do it.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking down at him. “I would say your body is very willing.”

“My body may be willing but my heart is not,” he said, getting out of bed. “I must go to Elisabeth. I am sorry, Tara.”

He dressed quickly, despite her protests and complaints.

“You will regret this, Haldir,” she yelled after him as he ran down the steps of her talan.

He regretted ever having come up with this idea, that was for sure. He hoped that Rúmil had not been able to perform, though he thought that unlikely. Approaching the stairs, he found his brother walking out of Elisabeth’s door.

“Did you…?” he stopped.

“She was everything I had expected her to be,” Rúmil answered, smiling as he continued down the stairs.

Haldir made his way up the steps slowly, his heart heavy with regret. How could he have ever been so stupid? Elisabeth had been everything he had wanted all along but at first he had been too scared and too stubborn to admit it. Then he had come up with this ridiculous idea for her to spend the night with Rúmil and now he didn’t know if he could live with the consequences. For the rest of his life, he would have images in his mind of Elisabeth and Rúmil together. Maybe she would not even want to bind with him now. Maybe she had enjoyed her time with Rúmil enough that she would want more of him. At that moment, he would have done anything to turn back time. His hand hesitated as he went to knock on the door and instead he simply opened it and went in, going straight to the bedroom where he found Elisabeth, crying quietly. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hand over her long dark hair.

“Rúmil?” she asked.

That hurt. “No, Elisabeth,” he said, pulling her hand to his mouth and kissing it.

“Haldir?” she asked, rolling onto her side so that she could see him. “I thought that you would be busy all night.”

“I thought that you would be, too,” he said, sighing. “How was it?”

“Rúmil is very skilled and I like him very much,” she admitted, candidly.

“Oh,” he said, having hoped for another answer.

“And you, Haldir? Did you enjoy your time with Tara?”

He was suddenly tired of the whole game they’d both been playing.

“We did not do anything; well, not much,” he said at last. “All I could think of was you, Elisabeth. I was stupid to suggest this, but I knew you wanted to experience being with another.”

“No, I did not, Haldir,” she said, pulling him close. “I do not know why I ever said that. I only went along with this because I thought you wanted to be with Tara again. I could not refuse your request after I had already agreed to allow you your freedom.”

“Are you serious?” he asked. “We did this for nothing?”

“I guess so,” she said. “I already know what I want.”

“Rúmil said that you were everything he had expected you to be,” Haldir admitted, jealousy showing in his eyes.

She smiled. “Then he must have expected me to be unhappy about the whole situation. I could not go through with it.”

“You did not join with him?” Haldir asked, unsure.

“No, I did not. I only want you and I do not need to try somebody else out to verify that.”

He hugged her in relief and kissed her hard.

“Elisabeth, I want to bind with you,” he told her, “will you do this with me?”

“Are you sure, Haldir? Eternity will be a long time to be bound to me if you are not sure.”

“I have never been more sure of anything,” he said, gazing into her eyes. “You are the one I desire to be with for the rest of my life. I do not ever wish to be away from you again.”

She smiled, “Yes, I wish to bind myself to you, Haldir. Nothing would make me happier.”

~~~~~~~~

The ceremony was held the next day in the Royal Hall, followed by a Binding Feast held on the floor of the forest, with most of Lothlórien in attendance. When Lord Celeborn joined Haldir and Elisabeth’s hands together and asked them to repeat a vow to each other, the binding began in their hearts. It would be completed later, physically, when they were alone. Dancing together until the celebration began breaking up, they slipped away at last to Haldir’s talan where they would live together.

“You are certain about this, Elisabeth?” he asked as he pushed her back onto the bed. “Now that the binding has begun, once we join, there will be no turning back.”

“I am certain, Haldir,” she assured him as he climbed onto the bed with her. “And you?”

“Absolutely,” he smiled, capturing her mouth with his and positioning himself above her. When he entered her this time, it was like no other time before, for either of them. Their binding made their love for one another even more intense and it was the most glorious feeling either of them had ever experienced. When the dawn came and they were still awake, Elisabeth turned to her mate. “Are you happy, Haldir?”

“Very happy,” he told her. “I cannot believe I was worried about it before. I have never felt so alive.”

“You do not think you will get bored with me after a thousand years or so?” she teased.

“No because I think it will take that long to experiment with all the other positions we have not yet tried,” he said, biting her lip. “In fact, I thought up a few new ones while I was alone for those two weeks.”

“Then when we do them all, we shall have to start over again,” she suggested.

“Or I shall have to go back to the Northern Fences alone to think up some more,” he stated.

“I do not think so, Haldir,” she told him. “I do not think I am going to ever let go of you again.”

“Good,” he said, holding her close. “That is how I want it.”

The end