The Price of Pride

Elvish translations
Mellon – friend
Cuivië – awakening

Chapter 13

We bathed again in the pool before returning for lunch. Elrond eyed our uniforms askance as we entered the dining hall, but we had obviously bathed so he said nothing. Lunch was not a formal meal, Elves coming to eat as their schedules allowed. We both ate heartily, having worked up an appetite on the training ground and by the waterfall. We had almost finished when the twins joined us, one on either side. Elladan engaged Arwen in conversation immediately, drawing her attention away from Elrohir and me. “We need to talk to you,” Elrohir told me in a low voice, “without Arwen.”

“After lunch,” I replied. He nodded, then exchanged looks with Erestor across the hall. Almost immediately, Erestor called Arwen’s name, requesting her help in the library. Arwen rolled her eyes at me as she rose to join Erestor. “I will find you later,” she promised as she left the table.

Elladan moved immediately into the seat Arwen had vacated. “Did you arrange that?” I asked suspiciously.

The twins nodded. “We did not want Arwen wondering why we needed to talk to you without her. Finish eating so we can go,” Elladan answered.

I had already finished so I followed them through the corridors to their rooms. “What did you want to talk about?” I asked when they had closed the door behind us.

“You and Arwen,” Elrohir answered.

“It is obvious you still love her,” Elladan interjected. “We saw you at the waterfall today.”

“You had no right to spy on us,” I sputtered.

Elrohir sighed. “We were not spying, Legolas. We were returning from a hunt and passed that way. As soon as we realized what was going on, we left. But, it made us determined to talk to you.”

“You are going to tell me to stay away from her, are you not?” I said dully. “That is what your father said as well. I will tell you the same thing I told him. I cannot stop loving her just because it is not wise.” I was suddenly very angry

“You are wrong, mellon,” Elladan said when I had finished my outburst. “We have no intention of telling you to stop loving her. We have never seen two Elves who belong together as much as you and Arwen do. We think Ada was wrong to ask you to participate in her Cuivië when he knew of your feelings. You have not seen Arwen these last fifty years. You do not know what she was like without you. We do.” I gaped at him. Nothing I had seen or heard since I had returned to Imladris had prepared me for that comment.

“We saw her,” Elrohir continued. “We watched her suffer without you, seeking companionship but not finding what she sought. And we have seen her since your return. She is a totally different Elf now than she was when we left her in Lórien. She smiles again, laughs again, like she did before.”

“Are you saying that sovesoves me?” I asked incredulously.

“We have never asked her, but you should.” Elladan insisted.

I shook my head in denial. “I cannot. It is forbidden. You know that. We would be hounded out of all Elvendom if we tried to bond after her Cuivië.”

“Vala take propriety! How many Elves have you asked? How many have said they would want you banished?” Elrohir challenged.

I had to admit that I had asked no one. The only Elves who knew, besides Elrond, all seemed intent on supporting me. “But what about your father’s vision?”

“Ada is so fixated on one thing that he sees nothing else. How do we know that his vision is the only way to stop the Shadow? How do we know it is even a true vision? Most of them are, but every once in a while, he makes a mistake or misinterprets. And even if he is right, we do not know when this event will occur or what will occur in the meantime. With the situation in Mirkwood like it is, you could be killed before this confrontation with the Shadow takes place. The love Ada foresees for Arwen could be a second love, after you have gone to the Halls of Mandos. Legolas, this is folly. You are killing yourself slowly this way. Arwen has not figured that out because she has not tried, but we saw what happened when you arrived and she was not here. You must speak to her.” I had never seen Elladan so adamant about anything before.

“I will think about it,” I promised, turning to leave.

“Tell her,” Elrohir repeated to my retreating back. “Let it be her choice.”

I said nothing, thinking only of finding a place where I could be alone with my thoughts. Arwen had said she would find me. If she found me in my current state, she would know something was wrong and would not stop until I had told her everything. Perhaps I would, but I needed to make that decision on my own, not because she pressured me into it.

I found the solitude I was seeking in the rooms that had been mine when I had lived in Imladris at Arwen’s birth. They were closed up, for guests were not expected, but that was just what I wanted. I settled into a chair that overlooked the gardens and tried to sort out my thoughts, my feelings, to make a decision regarding my future. Elrond and the twins had made their differing opinions velearlear. Elrond thought I should find a way to cut Arwen out of my heart if I could, to forget her and find someone else to love. I was 700 years old and nevenever met anyone who even came close to touching me the way Arwen did. Not that 700 was old to an Elf, but I had never felt anything for any other Elf that could compare to what I felt for Arwen, not just since I met her, but before as well. I was facing the very real possibility that I would never love anyone but Arwen.

Unfortunately, loving her was not simple. The obstacles to our relationship were legion. First, I did not know how she felt about me, beyond seeing me as a safe way to experience more of what life had to offer. Certainly, we were friends, but did she love me? The twins seemed to think that she might.

Even if she did, I was her Cuivië lover. We would be breaking Elvish law if we loved one another, and the penalty was banishment. Would Arwen be willing to risk being separated from her family, from her people? We would never be able to go to Valinor, and while I was not ready to leave just then, I had always assumed I would go there someday. If we bound to each other and were banished, it would mean staying in Middle Earth forever.

Which led me to another problem. Arwen was a peredhel. If she could not take the ships to Valinor with Elrond, would she then die, a mortal? And if she did, what would happen to me? I would still be outcast, whether Arwen lived or died. Would I be able to survive the grief of losing, not my friend, but my bonded mate?

Finally, there was Elrond’s vision. Though the twins did say that occasionally he had a false vision, I dared not count on that. Elrond said that Arwen’s heart was key to defeating the Shadow. If Arwen and I were bound, she would not be free to love when the time came, condemning Middle Earth to darkness and the reign of Sauron. And it would be my fault because I knew now, at the moment of making my decision, what the end result would be. The twins were right about the situation at home, however much I resented them pointing it out. For all that I was immortal, I was not guaranteed that life. My experience that winter had shown me just how easily life could be snufout,out, even for an Elf. I could be denying myself happiness now for the sake of a future that would ne mie mine because I would not live to see it. Yet there was no way to determine that without revealing to Elrond or perhaps to Galadriel that I was considering something so scandalous, for only they had the gift of foresight powerful enough to help me. If they could. If they would. And that was not guaranteed, given what I would be asking them. And if they told me I would not live to see that day, that my death would keep my love for Arwen from interfering with the battle against the Shadow, would not Arwen’s banishment because of me have the same effect?

I know not, now, standing on the shores in Valinor, how many hours I tormented myself with those questions. Round and round, each question leading to another, which eventually led back to the first. A decision to speak would probably kill me if she said no and condemn us both to separation from all that we knew if she said yes. Silence would at least let me continue as I was, as we were, until she met the one she was destined to love. And so I decided not to speak that day. My reasons were many, but more than anything, I could not face her saying that she did not love me. I was too proud to take that risk, for if she denied me, everyone would know.