The Probability Factor

Chapter Eight-Looking Back, Moving Forward

I woke up with my head resting on Haldur’s bare chest, and my legs curled between his. I used to wake up next to Greg that way. Remembering that, I uncurled from his side, and turned over to get up. An arm slid around my waist, and I half turned to look at Haldur.

“You slept restlessly. It is early yet, why do you not rest a little more? We do not have to meet June until later this afternoon,” he reminded me.

“Not tired,” I lied, even though I felt like a dog’s breakfast, “I have to confirm our reservations with the Wickaninnish Inn. I have to make sure I have everything ready for the road trip, and make sure Alistair is still okay to take Roxy for the three days. Before we meet up with June, I want to take my car through the Jiffy Lube and get the oil changed and the tires checked. I have…”

Haldur held a finger up to my lips, “Must this all be done today?”

I looked at him, lying in my bed looking like the most delicious treat, tempting me. I knew these things could wait and the only important thing that needed immediate attention was confirming with the Inn. We were leaving on Tuesday. I could take my car for an oil change Monday after work and pack that evening. I knew I could make a reservation for the ferry to Departure Bay online in five minutes, so that was no big deal. What I didn’t want was to be so close to Haldur, I could feel his heartbeat and hear the wind rushing through his lungs. Part of me wanted it too much, but my mind wasn’t ready. Not when I reacted so negatively to memories of Greg. If he still affected me that much, I had to get him out of my system, so I could be whole and complete by myself. It was only then I felt I could be with Haldur without gypping him. He deserved to have someone without hang-ups about ex’s. He needed someone who would give themselves completely, and not expect the worst of him. I wasn’t sure I could be that person. Even though I really wanted to be.

Haldur watched me, lost in my thoughts, and pulling on my arm, he got me to topple over onto my side. “Stay,” he said, “I want you to stay.”

I shifted around so my head was on my pillow, and looked at him through my lashes. “Are you always this pushy?” I asked, keeping the grin off my face.

“In my land, I am listened to as a voice of authority. You are the first mortal not to fear me or my power,” he said seriously.

I stuffed my head into my pillow. “Uh-huh,” I choked out through laughter, “You are the voice of authority. Oh yeah. Tell me another one. You’re the big bad! Fear my power!” I laughed helplessly, my body shaking with the effort.

“I am!” he rolled on top of me, poking me rudely.

“Hahahahaha! You’re tickling me!” I gasped for air, “You’re sooo bad!”

Haldur poked me and then changing tack, began to tickle me in earnest, “You cannot understand. I defend the realm!”

I snorted and laughed great belly laughs as his fingers sought out my most sensitive regions to plunder. “Uh-huh,” I wheezed, “You’re a regular Galahad!” I collapsed again as Haldur found a new spot to ravage under my ribcage.

“Who?” Haldur raised his head to look at my in question.

“Never,” I caught my breath, “mind!”

He wrapped his legs around mine and continued to tickle me. “I do not understand why you affect me so,” he said to himself.

I just laughed harder. Until he touched something that wasn’t ticklish. I gasped in surprise as I felt his hand graze my breast accidentally. Haldur looked at me as he froze with my breath. Fire enveloped me, as I found desire surge forward from its hiding place. I held my breath, hoping he would continue with the caress. He gently stroked my breast with his fingers, and my nipple responded. I felt a shot of fire go down to my groin from my chest. His other hand came out from under my arm and he added it to the other breast. I found myself breathing harder as my arousal grew, and I let my legs fall apart to let him in closer. He knelt between my legs, as he leaned on his elbows, looking me directly in the eyes. I fought not to close them, so he wouldn’t stop. I hadn’t felt this good for a long time, and I wanted him touching me like that forever. Evidence of how Haldur felt soon became apparent as well, and when I sighed in pleasure, he pulled away.

His face flushed slightly, he said in a whisper, “Maybe we should get dressed.”

I silently groaned. I didn’t want him to pull away, but I understood he was trying to help me out by stopping before it became too hard for either of us.

“Okay,” I replied, letting him get off me.

He left my room and shut the door behind him. I flopped back on the bed with an audible groan. I had to nip this issue in the bud or I was going to lose any sanity I had left. I knew just how to do that. Rolling over to the edge of the bed, I grabbed the phone. I dialled the number I remembered, and hoped it was the right one.

“Hello?” a light breathy voice answered a little groggily on the third ring.

“Is Greg there?” I asked, putting on my best Federal Government voice.

“Uh, yeah,” I heard some rustling of cloth, then, “Greg, some woman is asking for you.”

“God Kim, I’m sleeping. Can’t you take a message?” I heard Greg groan.

“I don’t have any paper or a pen,” she whined.

The sound of fumbling and a couple of swear words happened before, “Yeah?”

“Greg?” I kept my voice neutral, “Glad to talk to you. Look, we need to talk.”

Greg coughed in my ear, “Susan? What the fuck? Why are you calling me? And why are you calling on a Sunday at…Jesus, eight in the morning?”

I flinched at his words, and then remembering my purpose, I said, “We need to talk today. This can’t wait. Will you meet me at the Blenz on Robson and Bute, say at noon?”

Greg groaned, “Susan, I don’t know what you want to talk about, and I don’t have anything to say to you, so no. Why can’t you tell me over the phone?”

“Because this is best done in person, and if you don’t meet me, I will be forced to report your under-the-table earnings with CRA,” I coolly advised.

“Sue…aww fuck,” he grunted, “Fine. Blenz on Robson and Bute at noon. You can be such a bitch.”

“I’m not the one who felt the need to fuck around during the relationship, so perhaps your assessment needs refining,” I coldly advised, “Noon, don’t be late.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” he spat.

And before he could say another word, I hung up the phone. The first step to my emotional freedom had been completed. I got out of bed, and went to the washroom. Haldur was inside, taking a shower, but he’d left the door unlocked. I was tempted to get my toothbrush, but I was wary. My shower curtain was clear with some irises growing up from the bottom, only going to maybe mid-thigh. I knew I’d get an eyeful, so I decided to back into the bathroom, and grab my toothbrush. Then I could dash out the door, without seeing too much.

I knocked on the door. “Haldur, I’m just going to get my toothbrush,” I called as I entered backwards.

“All right Susan, you don’t have to hide,” he called from under the shower water.

“I’m good thanks,” I put some toothpaste on my brush, and caught a glimpse of him in the foggy mirror. “We’re going to meet Greg at noon,” I announced.

The water was turned off suddenly, “What? Why are we meeting him?” He had pulled back the curtain to speak to me.

I stared at the door concertedly, “I need to get some things off my chest regarding our split, and I’d like to do this as soon as possible.”

“There is nothing on your chest that Eru has not put there,” he commented.

“I meant I need to discuss some details and put them to rest,” I explained.

Haldur grunted, “I will make sure he does not treat you poorly.”

“No need. I can handle him. I just wanted to let you know,” I grabbed the door knob and opened it.

“I am almost finished, would you like to wait?” he called.

“I’m fine. I’m just going to brush my teeth and then go online for a bit,” I replied, hurrying out the door. I paused outside the door and listened to the water being turned back on, before I walked into the kitchen to brush my teeth.

I was surfing the net when Haldur came out with his comb in hand. I finished making our ferry reservations and turned to him.

“Ferry reservations for Horseshoe Bay are done,” I announced.

“All right,” he sat down at the kitchen table, and I moved to stand behind him and comb out his hair.

After I had finished, I gave him back the comb and walked to the bathroom with my toothbrush. “We can have breakfast, and then I wanna drive over to Arbutus to get the oil change. It should only take half an hour, and we’ll be able to make it back for noon to meet Greg,” I called from the hall.

I heard a grunt from the kitchen as I went into the bathroom to have my shower. After I had my shower, gotten dressed, and picked up my to-do list, I walked into the living room. Haldur was completely dressed and waiting for me with Roxy. He’d already clipped her leash on and looked at me expectantly.

“All right, let’s go,” I opened the front door and we walked out to the elevator.

After we took Roxy out for her walk, we dropped her back in the apartment, and then hopped in the car to get the oil changed. Haldur barely said a word to me, lost in his own thoughts. I had the car’s oil changed and the tire pressure checked, and to be on the safe side, I got a fuel injection flush. It took just over forty-five minutes, and then we were on our way to meet up with Greg. I swung by Granville Island to pick up some fresh fruit and vegetables for snacking on the road trip. Haldur wanted to try some star fruit, so I picked one up for him. He seemed to relax a bit more as we wandered through the Market. It wasn’t until we got to Blenz that his hackles went back up.

I saw Greg sitting in the corner by the washroom, so I bought Haldur and me a fruit drink, and then went over to the tiny table to sit down. Greg frowned at Haldur, who chose to stand behind me glowering at Greg.

“Who’s the bodyguard?” he asked irritably.

“His name’s Haldur. Now, I want to talk to you about why we broke up,” I said coolly.

Greg choked back a laugh, “Why we broke up? What? You don’t know?”

Haldur glared at Greg and moved towards him. Greg squished himself farther into the corner, trying to press even closer to the window.

“Call off your dog,” he demanded.

“Haldur’s simply reacting to your behaviour Greg. Relax. As long as you don’t try and do something stupid, you’ll be fine. Now, I wanted to talk to you about the way you fucked around on me, and why that still makes me angry,” I said, leaning forward.

Greg chuffed and took a long sip from his iced latte. “So I slept with another woman. Big deal. I wouldn’t have if you gave me what I needed,” he said scornfully.

“You’re here to listen, Greg. So shut your yap, and let me talk,” I said, my anger rising, “You slept with more than one woman. You started screwing around on me within the first three months of our relationship. I found that out after I caught you screwing Kimmy. Lovely treat that,” I paused remembering the betrayal, “I want you to know, you hurt me. You betrayed me in the worst way possible. I am positive I was not the first woman you have hurt this way, and I know I won’t be the last.” I played with my half-empty cup, “So, have you started screwing around on Kimmy yet? Oh, wait a minute, yeah you have been. You must be on what, your second or third affair? I would feel for Kimmy, but she knew what she was getting into when she bunked with you.” I looked him in the eye, “I want you to know, I’m very angry at the behaviour you displayed during our relationship. I’m hurt at the way you deceived me, and how you played me for a fool. But I want you to realize, it was your actions that dissolved our relationship. No matter how you like to spin that I did something. I was the loving partner. I never betrayed you. You left me feeling like I had, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about what went wrong. I’ve come to a new understanding. You are the worthless git. I gave you everything, which considering how you treated me, was wrong of me. I should’ve left the moment I thought something was wrong.” Greg scoffed at that, and I silenced him with a dirty look, “I am through blaming myself. I have people who truly love me, and I know I’m better off than you will ever be. You on the other hand, will probably never get over your misogyny. I suppose you’ll be an old man, still trying to fuck with women’s heads, sad and pathetic as that may be. I, however, will go on. Remembering the lessons given, but I will be whole. Not the scarred, frightened woman you left me as.”

Greg laughed, “You called me here to proselytize? Oh my God, you’re pathetic.”

Haldur stepped up beside him, “You are an idiot. She called you, so she could leave you in the past. Where you belong.” Haldur towered over Greg and sniffed disdainfully, “How you continue to have women trust you is beyond my knowledge. Any person could see what a fraud you are.”

I looked up at Haldur, who smiled down at me. A surge of empowerment flooded my body, and I knew that I’d confronted the demon who’d been haunting me for months. I’d confronted it and come out the other side unscathed. Greg had other ideas.

“You bitch. You call me names and say you’re over me. Yada yada, whatever! You’re full of shit. I left you because you’re worthless. I deserve more than your miserable crap. I left you, remember? I left you,” he spat.

“You left me because I changed the locks on the door,” I reminded him, “And I’m not worthless. But believe whatever you have to in order to get by. I can’t blame you for being delusional. It’s an illness. You can’t help yourself.” I stood up, getting ready to leave, “You may never see the truth Greg, but I didn’t want to talk to you to help you see anything. I came to put the past back in the past and close the door on you forever.” With that, Haldur took my arm and we walked out of the café without even a backwards glance.

Once we got back out on the sidewalk and were returning to my car, Haldur turned to me and smiled.

“So that is why you needed to speak to him? You needed to confront the past so you could let it go?” he asked, holding my hands in his.

“Yeah. He was holding me back. I felt such betrayal and I was using that to keep from being hurt again. But that was hurting me even more in the process. I needed to tell him good bye and good riddance so I could move into the future,” I explained.

Haldur brought my hands to his lips and kissed them, “I am glad.”

The rest of the afternoon was spent meeting up with June, and going out to a late lunch. I had to work early on Monday, so we left her just after dinner to get back home. Roxy was never so glad to see us when we walked through the door. Haldur and I rewarded her patience with an extra long walk through the Park. The entire time, it felt like bit of me were being stripped away and I felt lighter than I had before.

Haldur watched me as we walked. “You look different,” he commented.

“Uh-huh,” I replied, tugging the leash to get Roxy out of the low shrubs.

“You look free,” he said.

“Because I feel free. Freer than I have since I began dating Greg,” I explained.

“I like this on you,” he squeezed my hand, “You are beautiful, free.”

I grinned, and felt lighter even still.