I'm Going Slightly Mad!

Title: I’m Going Slightly Mad! Part 8 (last time should have been 7 I’m retarded!)

Author: Lydia NightShade

Rating: Strong R I think.

Pairings: Vig/Orli-bear, Dom/Elijah

Warnings: total crackfic… RPS… my muses… swearing… crazy, possibly not too funny humor… it’s all in your tastes I suppose.

Disclaimer: I think it’s pretty obvious that this is all a bunch of lies and I don’t know these gentlemen or whom they’re screwing.

Summary: An evil marionette terrorizes our sexy boys… specifically Orli-bear! My muses come in because… they wanted to!

Archive: adult-fanfiction.org

Beta: My cracked out ass!

Feedback: Aw come on… ya know ya wanna!

Author’s Notes: My buddy and fellow angry bitch Joann shall be making an appearance this chapter, and possibly others so enjoy!

Author’s Notes 2: Kally’s (pixiepegasus) muse Athena makes a special guest appearance. She’s a padawan and a mix between human and an alien race of unknown origin. The Goblin King tried to make her one when she was little, but she escaped. She lives at Hogwarts now with Obi-wan.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“So exactly how do we coerce them into a giant orgy?” Orlando whispered conspiratorially to Viggo. The older man ran his fingers down his chin and ed hed his lips, trying to think about what could work to get the sexy clones of his lover to fuck like bunnies on crack. Suddenly an evil grin spread over his face and he snapped his fingers.

“We need to track down that sex muse! She’ll make them do whatever we want and think it’s their idea!” Orlando’s eyes perked up and he started bouncing.

“Brilliant!” He looked back at the hunky threesome that would soon become an orgy and felt himself getting hard. He felt tears prickle his eyes and he sniffled looking back at Viggo. “Oh Viggy-wiggy, I’ve never been this happy before!” He started to sob into his lover’s manly t-shirt on his manly chest… SO MANLY!!! MACHO MACHO MAN! MACHO MAN! I WANT TO BE A MOCHO MAN!

“Oh my gods…” Athena groaned, waking from her position in Keira’s arms. “This announcer is beyond retarded.” She looked up at the tall tragedy muse and sighed, seeing her feelings were mutual. “Do you have any idea who’s controlling this?” She jumped out of the young ingénue’s arms and dusted herself off, her clothes still slightly singed.

“I’m guessing a new muse. One that’s deformed.”

“I see.”

“I should have been an Elf in that movie, look at me! I’m tall, I’m so skinny my ribs show and I’m fucking gorgeous!” Keira pouted, stamping her foot. “Then I could have hung out with you on set all the live long day!” She chimed happily, snuggling up to Legolas. Said Mirkwood warrior had no idea what to do so he simply smiled and nodded.

“Um… movie?” He asked confused.

“Good gods, Keira, he’s not Orlando plg Leg Legolas… he IS Legolas!” Athena shouted, smacking the taller woman on her butt. Keira looked down at her pintsized companion and stuck out her tongue.

“You’re just jealous that I’m tall enough to kiss him!”

“I’m a great kisser, and I love all women, as much as I love Troy.” Paris purred, pulling up next to the sassy young actress. “And I’m well trained in all ways of pleasure.” He flicked his ue oue out and ran it up her ear making her quiver.

“OH I LOVE THIS STORY!!” She screamed, practically melting. Before the Trojan-her-pleasure could do anything else, though, a lightening bolt shot from the sky and separated them, almost blowing them both up.

“Eek! My willie!” Paris shrieked, covering himself with his barely-there skirt. “The hell was that?! Have I pissed off the gods /again/?” He whined, stamping his foot.

“You were getting too heterosexual. We’re slash muses.” Aurora explained. “Be careful or you’ll lose more than your pleasure stick.”

“Pleasure stick?” Legolas asked, confused. “That’s the worst analogy ever.” He started giggling. “I mean, I’ve heard some really bad ones too… Aragorn can be so corny when he tries to talk dirty, but it just comes off all wrong andn I’n I’m like ‘Uh, get off me!’ ya know?” He babbled on laughing like a valley girl. When he finished he looked up to find all of the humans and muses staring at him again. He bit his lip and hung his head in shame. Shame I tell you!

“No wonder they didn’t let you talk much in the movie.”

“I could make you feel very good, pretty one,” Paris said smoothly looking at the blonde elf with lust. “You know, with that blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair complexion you look so similar to my beloved Helen… I’d die for her.”

“That’s MY line!” Will snapped. “I’m the only self-sacrificing dope in this group!” He flinched as he realized what he’d said and sighed. “Would have been better without the ‘dope’ part, huh?” He groaned looking at Orlando.

“Yeah, but it’s okay, you’re still pretty,” Orli said sweetly, running his hand down Will’s cheek. “And you’ve got damn good skin, if I do say so myself!” Will rolled his eyes.

“You’re so vain.”

“I’m a Capricorn… our flower is the narcissus.”

“And he has bloody good reason to be too!” Said a female British voice from a far, but no! it wasn’t Keira’s!

All looked over to see a dark haired, petite woman with piercing blue eyes and a beer in her hand racing towards them on a sled pulled by something very disturbing. It looked like a cross between a hound of hell and an Orc. It had horns and drooled a lot. She pulled on the reins and the sled screeched to a halt. She popped out of the driver’s seat and petted the drooly beast of hell as she sauntered over to Paris.

“I’ve been looking all over for you,” she said shortly before pulling him down for a powerful kiss.

“Um… okay… that’s hot, let’s replicate!” Orlando purred, pulling Will into his own lip lock. The blacksmith sputtered and pushed him off.

“Uh! You’re worse than Sparrow. I want her!” He pointed to Keira. “She looks like my lovely Elizabeth only in strange garb.” They heard the moaning coming from Paris and the new addition to their group and averted their eyes from the pornographic sight.

“Oh my!” Athena gasped, “She’s definitely not a shy one, eh?”

“Oh my gods, oh my gods, oh my gods…” Paris moaned over and over as the black haired beauty rode him like an experienced whore.

“Like that do ya?” She laughed, grabbing her beer and taking a long swig. “Damn that’s good.”

“And you are?” Viggo asked, rather amused by the situation and thoroughly enjoying the view.

“Joann, pleased to meet you.” She put down her beer and went back to concentrating on the rather sweaty prince beneath her. “Just… a… little… bit… more!” She screamed, before shudders ran through her body and Paris cried out. She laid back, out of breath and lighting a cigarette, exhaling and feeling most satisfied. “Ahhh… I needed that…” Paris sat up slowly, his hair messed and a dumbfounded, happy smile on his face.

“… Huh?” He grinned silly and looked towards Legolas. “I can do that for you too, pretty one.” Leggy blushed and diverted eye contact.

“Oh, please, I did all the work,” his partner for the horizontal-hustle laughed, getting up and pulling her jeans back on.

“How did you get here?” Viggo asked.

“Easy, I used my evil muse and plowed on through. You really think I’d pass up a chance to see four Orlandos in the same damn place? HA!” They both heard a shriek and looked to see her growling muse trying to chomp on Orlando. “Don’t touch him, fluffy bites something wicked.”

“Fluffy?” Will asked. “How on earth could you name that thing fluffy?”

“Because I can, want to question me? Take it up with him, he’ll wear your intestines like a scarf!” Will blanched and backed up. “Now everyone on board. We’re going to finally join up with the others.” She walked back to the sled and hopped into the drivers seat, taking up the reins once again. Keira and Athena jumped in right away followed by Orlando and Viggo. Paris had to be carried on by Legolas and Will only stared at them with suspicion.

“Why should I get on board that sled of Hades, with a woman of ill repute at the wheel and a demon pulling it!” Joann rolled her eyes and threw her beer bottle at him.

“Get on the bloody sled before I shove my fucking foot so far up your ass you’ll taste it in your mouth!”

“Whoa… cool!” Athena chimed in. Will frowned in his most endearing way, but conceded and got onto said sled of Hades, muttering under his breath like a five year old.

“Everyone on?” Joann asked, looking over her shoulder. She watched as Aurora manifested herself in the back seat and nodded. “Okay then. Mush fluffy! Kill, kill, kill!” She roared, throwing a bucket of human blood in front of the creature. Fluffy released a demonic howl and took off at top speed racing down the crooked passageways and dodging corners.

“How do you know where you’re going? Do you have a magic compass too?” Will shouted over the wind.

“I know where we’re going,” Aurora said calmly. “I’m sending the directions to the beast.”

“Naturally…” Will sighed, leaning back to enjoy the ride.

“Could we just stop one more time for a repeat of that hello?” Paris asked, still somewhat dazed.

“Be happy you got anything, normally HET isn’t allowed at all.” Aurora scolded. The prissy prince frowned for a moment before he reached over and started playing with Legolas’ hair again.

“So, pretty one, what do you say? I can go all night… I’ll fight a war for you.” Legolas mewled in discomfort and quickly faced ahead.

“He’s doing it again!” he whined, looking to Viggo for help. “You look like my precious Aragorn, make him stop!” Viggo threw up his hands and laughed.

“Sorry Leggy-babes, I think it’s a turn on.” He had Orlando on his lap, doing naughty things with his firm ass. “Oh, fuck Orli… you’re going to make me mess my shorts you keep swiveling like that.”

“Duh! That’s the idea,” Orli-pourly whispered cheekily.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many raging hormones in my life. Not since puberty at least.” Keira commented from the passenger side of the driver’s seat. “How about you?” she asked Joann.

“Oh, this is nothing, you should see my Angels.”

“Angels?”

“Orli’s Horny Angels. It’s a great place to be a woman!” she thought for a moment. “Or just an Orli cock lover at least.” Keira nodded and scratched her head, not sure what to make of the statement.

“Interesting.”

~Meanwhile!~

“I know you I walked with you once upon a dream! I know you the gleam in your eyes are so familiar a gleam!” Elijah belted out in his best singing voice as he and Dominic waltzed around the Labyrinth. This point officially pissed off the Goblin King. He was running out of hair to pull out and he had a horny Englishman on his ass.

“Do you mind, sir!” He snapped as Ian once again pinched his ass. “That’s not for touching!”

“But it’s just so squeezable in those pants… simply sinful!” He pinched it again. “Butt, butt, butt, butt!”

“AHHHHHH! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Bowie barked, hopping about like a chicken, feathers flying everywhere. Ian only gigglvillvilly and continued to chase him and his pinchelicous buttocks! Hahaha! That’s a hilarious word!

“I wanna go home! I can’t stand the pain of living anymore!” Billy sobbed, now just sitting on the ground and balling openly like a child. His cheeks were bright red and he had tears streaming down his face. Next to him sat a very un-amused Sean A. simply letting the Scottish man use his salmon colored sleeve to blow his nose. He sighed as Billy blew his nose once again. “You’re my only friend, Sean A. I’m so alone in this world!” He blew his nose again. “Oooh ho god!”

“I hate you so much,” Sean A. growled at Jade as she paced by them once again. She frowned and flipped him off.

“Piss off! I’ve got bigger worries on my mind.” She said, her voice edgy. “I hate closed in spaces… I’m going mad in here. Mad I tell you! Mad! I can’t take it anymore!” She pulled on her hair and started to scream until Johnny came up and slapped her across the face.

“Don’t worry, be happy,” he said happily. “And conga dance!” He started to do a conga line, music coming from nowhere. Jade, sniffled but went with it, grabbing his hips and joining in the dance. “Conga, conga, conga! Conga, conga, conga! Everybody sing!” He shouted, throwing his hands in the air. Elijah and Dom stopped their waltz and joined in, followed by Terra. They moved to Nightshade, but she hissed.

“Whatever part of you touches me you’re not getting back.” She puffed on her ciggie and looked around her, hating the surroundings. “This blows… I need to torture something…” She looked around, but found nothing except the exceptionally hot boys from the fellowship. “They’ll work!” She flexed her wings and pointed to them. “Be filled with an indescribable urge to hurt each other!” she shouted.

“What?” Elijah asked. “You’re crazy. I don’t do that, I’m cute and loveable.” She blanched and stared at her hands.

“Ahhhhh! I’m powerless here!” She pointed at Terra and proceeded to make a constipated expression. After a few moments she cracked and threw her hands in the air. “Gah! I can’t even give the whore painful burning feminine itch!”

“Thank the gods, you suck!” Terra snickered, sticking out her tongue.

“Thought that was your department, skanky!” The dark muse spat back.

“And you’re so jealous.”

“ENOUGH!!!” Shouted the mighty Sean A! “To your corners!” Both muses grumbled, but did as told.

“What’s that?” Johnny asked, squinting into the distance at the swiftly moving object coming at them in the distance… erm… it was a LARGE section of the labyrinth… yes… that’s it… not a plot hole at all!!

“I… have no idea.” Dom remarked, still busy groping Elijah. “You’re just so damn sexy!” Lij giggled and nodded.

“Hehehe! I know…” By now the distant moving thingy was actually proven to be none other than, yes you guessed it! Joann and the Orli-orgy in a sled! DUM DA DA DA!!!

“Make way I’ve got a lot of hormones on board!” She shouted, letting fluffy huff his way up to the most odd group of misbegotten monsters ever seen. She pulled on the reins as they pulled up along side a very surprised Billy and Jade. Johnny bounded over in his ballerina outfit, completely unfazed and curious.

“Whatcha got in there, eh?” He asked, looking at the horny Paris, awkwardly uncomfortable Legolas, and the queasy Will. Not to mention Viggo and Orlando humping like porn stars while Keira and Athena drooled. He scoffed and laughed in slight amusement. “Well…’t s’t see that everyday now do ya?” He took out a cigarette, lit it, and turned back to Ian and the Goblin King.

“Well, I don’t know ‘bout y’all, but I think I can officially say I’ve seen everything and may meet my maker with ready satisfaction and adequate corruption.”

“One… two… three… four… f-f-four Orlandos… eHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Terra laughed as her eyes crossed.

KABOOM!!

All stared in shock as Terra’s head exploded right before their very eyes. Jade cried, the Goblin King complained about the mess, and the actors just stared in shock. Nightshade however…

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! I KNEW THAT LIBIDO WOULD DO HER IN SOMEDAY!!!” She lit up another cigarette in celebration and leaned against the wall with her other hand behind her head. “Bitch was taking up too many of my stories, making them cute… pfffttt!”

“Oh no! Will she be okay?” Asked Billy, sniffling over the loss of a member of their team.

“She will be fine. It was just the shock of seeing four objects of lust in one room giving her a sensory overload.” Aurora explained. “If I were you I would not be here when she wakes back up,” she said in advisement to the four sexy look-a-likes.

“That looks pretty serious…” Orlando pouted, holding onto Viggo. “I feel bad.” Joann stood there, another beer magically appearing in her hand as she looked at the decapitated sex muse and then to the four versions of Orlando. She sighed.

“Damn…”

Tbc…


Muwahahahaha! Will there be an orgy? Will Paris ever stop making Legolas uncomfortable? Will this story ever end? Will Will puke?! Just how the hell did Fluffy get his name? The answers and even more crappy writing next time on!

I’m Going Slightly Mad!

…oi my back hurts…


Happy Troy Day!