The Probability Factor

Chapter Seven-The Private War Within

I was lying in a huge bed staring at the fresco of some Italian pastoral scene on the ceiling. Sweet cherubs laughed in perpetual joy and chivalrous gentlemen aided their lovely female companions, as they frolicked through verdant fields endlessly. A movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I turned my head to look. Haldur was standing in his full glory at the edge of the bed, looking down at me. Without saying a word, he got under the covers to join me. I noticed I was as naked as he was, but this seemed quite normal. He cuddled close to me and we began to kiss deeply, as though this was an ordinary act. The silk sheets slid around our bodies as we touched each other, and buried ourselves in each other’s flesh. I felt his tongue work its way in and out of my core and then switch with his fingers, as he chose to suck on my tiny bundle of nerves. The climax approached like an impending electrical storm. All my senses strained under the pressure, before I fell over the edge into the abyss of pleasure. Haldur pulled himself up beside me, and spreading my legs open farther with his knees, he pressed his erection against my opening and then pushed his way in. I gasped at the intense pressure, wiggling to find a more comfortable position. He pushed in farther until he reached the end, and stopped for a moment to allow me to become accustomed to the new intrusion. I sighed and he began to move in and out of me slowly. The friction gave me a delicious sensation and I moaned for more. Haldur quickly complied, speeding up the thrusts, as I wrapped my legs around his back to deepen the penetration. He grunted with each onslaught and I felt another climax build. I raked my fingernails down his back as the pressure built to soaring heights. Haldur sped up, staring into my eyes with dark intensity, egging me on to completion. The orgasm hit me with the force of a Mack truck, and I cried out, arching my body against his as I shook with the force of the climax. Haldur followed me, giving one last thrust before he collapsed with a groan. He rolled off of me, and curled himself into my side, stroking my body with his fingers. I shivered at his touch.

He propped himself up on an elbow and looked into my eyes. “I love you,” he said sincerely, caressing my face gently.

“I love you too,” I kissed the tips of his fingers as they came within reach.

Just as I reached for his face to kiss him, I was jolted away into darkness.

I sat up suddenly in my bed with a cry. Haldur was sitting in his customary position at the foot of my bed. Seeing me awake with such a start, he leapt forward to grasp my arm, as I swayed in a fit of dizziness.

“What is the matter?” he asked in concern.

I looked around the room. The huge bed and Italian fresco had disappeared. I was in my pyjamas and Haldur was wearing the sweatpants I had bought him when he first arrived. Roxy had come into the room and jumped up on my bed, coming over to lick my face. I felt completely out of sorts, as I could’ve sworn Haldur and I had just had the most intense love making I had ever experienced. I felt sticky down below and knew my body had responded to my dream, but it all seemed so real.

“Uh, I was dreaming,” I offered weakly. How could I tell Haldur I was dreaming of us having sex, when I had effectively denied him the previous evening?

“I heard. You talk in your sleep,” he informed me.

I felt my face flush, as I wondered what I had said.

He looked at me with amusement on his face. “You looked like you were enjoying yourself, and then you mumbled something like, ‘I love you’,” he smiled at the consternation showing on my face, “But I could be wrong.”

“Uh, yeah. Probably,” I looked at Roxy, “Has she been out yet?”

“No, we were waiting for you,” he explained.

I got out of bed, and wandered into the bathroom, regretting denying Haldur with every inch of my being. Admittedly, it was a dream and dream sex is usually mind-blowing, but still. Part of me felt it would be every bit as mind-blowing if I’d really done it with Haldur. I shut the bathroom door behind me, with Haldur waiting outside. I stripped and got into the shower to wash off the remains of my dream, as I thought of him listening at the door. I was half tempted to pull him in, but realized I couldn’t. As much as I wanted him, which was totally and entirely, I also felt scared to let myself go again. I could hear Alistair talking in my ear, saying that I was a fool and I needed to trust somebody again. He was always talking about how I needed to let myself go and fall in love, because not everyone was a bad guy. I soaped up quickly, and washed myself thoroughly, wanting to wash away the whole situation. It was so much easier before, in the beginning when I wasn’t attracted to him. But now I was attracted to him, and he seemingly to me. I couldn’t keep him at bay forever, or I could lose him.

Once I had finished my morning ablution, I wrapped myself in my robe and wandered out into Haldur’s arms. He caught me as I stumbled into him, and propped me up before I could hit the ground.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“Susan, perhaps we should talk,” Haldur offered, walking with me back to my room.

I turned to him, “Wait until I finish changing.” I closed the door behind me and grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt out of my closet.

“Susan, I can tell you are not happy with the way things turned out last night,” he called through the door.

Finishing dressing, I opened the door and stared at Haldur. “I have no one to blame but myself,” I replied. I marched into the kitchen with Haldur trailing me. “Are you going to have a shower before we go?” I asked.

“I will, but first I want to say this,” he stopped me and turned me to face him, “I want you, but I know you are not ready to be with me. I understand and I can wait. Do not feel that you must give yourself to me. I will not leave.”

I looked down at his chest, “I want to be with you too. I can get through this, I just…”

He interrupted, “You are not ready. You fight within yourself. I am not leaving unless you want me to.” He seemed a bit sad when he said that.

“No, no. You don’t need to leave,” I reached up to touch his face, “I’m just a bit confused, that’s all.”

Haldur led me to the table and had me sit down, “About what?”

I thought for a moment, “Did Alistair tell you about my ex?”

“Your ex?” Haldur looked a bit confused.

“My former boyfriend, Greg,” I qualified.

“Oh,” a look of understanding dawned over his face, “Greg. Yes. He was not kind to you,” he said disdainfully.

“No, he was not,” I agreed.

“He made love to another woman while he was living with you,” he went on.

“Yes, I know the details,” I said archly, “And you can figure out why I have trouble trusting men.”

“But I am not a man,” he offered.

I had forgotten that. Sure I saw the ears every day, and he had told me about his homeland, but I had gotten used to thinking about Haldur as just a guy. Albeit one of the sexiest guys I had ever laid eyes on, but still a guy.

“Yeah…and I want you to promise me one thing,” I said straightening up.

“Of course,” he leaned forward in his chair.

“Promise me that you will never betray me like that. That no matter what, you won’t treat me like he did,” I said fiercely.

Haldur reached across and touched my hands gently. “I will not betray you. I will not leave you. I will wait for you.”

I felt a surge of relief at his sincere words, but knew I’d have a bit of work to do before I could comfortably give myself completely to him.

Haldur got up after making sure I was okay, and went to have his shower. Our morning rituals continued as normal, and we left the apartment to meet up with June at her hotel. I planned to drive her up to Whistler for the day, perhaps take the gondola up to the top to look around. Haldur was just happy to get out into the car. We left the windows down as we drove, to keep cool and avoid higher fuel consumption, as the price of gas was sitting at $0.98/litre. And that was with the $0.035 at the pump discount.

June met us out front, and we took Georgia Street to the Lions Gate Bridge, and over to West Van. I took the scenic route up to Whistler via Marine Drive in West Vancouver, and Haldur drank in the sights. June chattered gaily about what was going on in Charlotte, and I listened, speaking up when I needed clarification on some detail. I loved driving the winding road up to Whistler. It reminded me of driving the road to Hana on Maui. Except there weren’t nearly as many hairpin turns, and the road was wide and well paved, while in Maui the road was a wee bit precarious in spots. Of course the weather was vastly different too. Here the cool sea air kept temperatures fairly moderate. There, the humid air and the jungle being very close to the road was almost oppressive the closer to Hana you got. While I loved Hawaii, I loved BC more, and I proudly showed off my Province to anyone who cared to come along.

Our day in Whistler was fun, as we tramped along hiking paths near the resort; and took the gondola to the top, with a surprise picnic lunch, which I had previously arranged, laid out for us. Haldur really enjoyed our walk in the forest and I mentioned how we would be going over to the Island the following week, to see Long Beach and Tofino, and how he’d really love the old growth there. June got excited about the prospect of a road trip, and seeing a part of BC she had not had the chance to visit. We had a lovely dinner at Earl’s near the Village on Blackcomb Way. Leaving the restaurant around 8, I wanted to get us back into the city before it became too dark. I managed to get us back onto Marine Drive in West Van just as the sun was setting, and June oohed and ahhed in the appropriate places. I had to agree, as the colours were spectacular, and the sea was smooth as glass, reflecting the dying sunlight in its glorious form. We got back to June’s hotel just after 10pm, and I dropped her off at the door, pleading exhaustion from all the driving I had done that day.

Haldur got into the front seat, and I drove us back home in silence. When we took Roxy out for her evening walk, and to make up for not taking her out earlier, it was in almost complete silence, except for the occasional command for Roxy and the odd question from Haldur. Once we got back into the apartment and had locked up for the night, Haldur turned to me with a peculiar look on his face.

“Susan?” he asked a bit awkwardly.

“Yeah?” I called over my shoulder as I went back to my bedroom.

“May I ask you a favour?” he continued.

“All right,” I answered, pausing at my bedroom door.

He came up beside me, reminding me of how much I wanted him.

“May I sleep with you tonight?” he ventured.

My face registered a look of shock, and he must’ve realized how he sounded, because he quickly added, “Just to sleep. I just feel like I need to be close to you, and all I want to do is sleep. I promise.”

I looked into his eyes and saw he was being sincere. I knew the temptation would be huge if he was in the same bed as me, but I also thought it would probably give me a good kick in the ass to move on with our relationship. I knew what Alistair would say if he was in my place, ‘Hell yeah!’, so I decided to take the chance.

“Uh, okay Haldur. You can sleep with me. I’m just going to get into my PJ's and get ready for bed,” I explained awkwardly.

Why was I always an awkward teenager when it came to stuff like this? Okay, maybe not like this, but I was usually awkward when boyfriends asked for sex the first time. Sure, I’d like to have a mind reader so I didn’t have to say anything, but you don’t always get what you wish for.

Haldur let me get ready for bed without any hassles, and as soon as I crawled in under the covers, he came in wearing a pair of light pyjama bottoms I had gotten him a couple of weeks ago, and nothing else.

Noticing the look I gave him, he shrugged, “I get warm under blankets.”

“I have the A/C on,” I answered.

“Still, I like very little on, and you will not let me be nude,” he replied.

I had no come back for that, as it was true. So he climbed under the covers with me, sliding up beside me. I turned off my bedside lamp, throwing the room into darkness.

“Are you sure you are all right with me being here?” he asked quietly, his voice reverberating in the silent, dark room.

“Yes, I am fine with it. Go to sleep,” I ordered, turning over onto my side to get comfortable. I could feel Haldur’s body heat, as he curled into my back; and I dearly wished I had the guts to turn over and make wild passionate love to him. My body wanted him badly, and I just had to convince my head that it would be all right. That he wasn’t like other guys and I’d finally have the love I deserved.

I slept in the same position all night, my body warring with my head, wanting to do something I wasn’t quite ready for.