Shadows Of The Past

Sorry that it has taken me some time to update, my muse is determined to shove many different stories at me all at once, I feel a little dizzy, she has me spinning in all directions *sigh*

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Sian: I am happy that you are enjoying my story, hopefully you will enjoy this chapter as well. Yep, that Thranduil is a little itimidating to me, he is a naughty ellon, isn't he.

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Maelle: Yep I need Thranduil busy so he would leave poor Glorfindel alone. ((huggles))

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Minerva: Sorry for the late update, my muse has been keeping me busy and rl can get in the way of my muse's time *sigh*. I am so happy that you are enjoying my story and hope that this chapter will be as enjoyable for you.


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Title: Shadows of The Past (7/?)
Author: Janalynn27
Type: FPS
Pairing: Erestor/Glorfindel
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Slash, Rape, Non-con, AU
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien. No disrespect is intended and no profit is being made.
Beta: Patricia Pleasant aka slayer9649, Thanks a bunch! Any other mistakes are of my making.
Summary: Glorfindel uses Erestor as a shield to say no to a suitor and Erestor is tormented by the past.
Timeline: Early TA
Feedback: It is greatly appreciated
Author's note: Okay, I know Greenwood the Great wasn't called Mirkwood until about 1050 TA but in my story it is already called Mirkwood. The twins are around 22 yrs. Old which is about 8 human yrs. Old.


Chapter 7

Glorfindel sat there quietly cradling Erestor in his arms, hoping that somehow he could ease his meldir’s (friend’s) pain. Thoughts raced through his head at what he could possibly say and knew that he had to apologize for the kiss and somehow hide his true feelings for him.

Erestor fought back his tears and when he managed to quell them he looked up at Glorfindel. He searched his eyes, silently pleading him to ask him about his past, for he did not think he had the courage to offer the information on his own. Giving Glorfindel a sad smile, Erestor asked, “I am a mess, am I not, mellon nín (my friend)?”

Glorfindel saw the uncertainty in Erestor’s eyes and knew that he needed to ask for Erestor tale. Wiping a tear from Erestor’s face, “Es, I would have you tell me what haunts you so, but before you do, I must ask for your forgiveness for kissing you.”

Erestor sighed in relief when Glorfindel asked him to share his past, knowing that he would make himself finally knock down the wall for good, but he also needed to know why Glorfindel did what he did. “Fin, why did you kiss me?”

Glorfindel looked around the room and took a deep breath to gather his thoughts then explained about Thranduil’s coy flirtations and him trying to play ignorant to them. He did not want relations with the King in that fashion and he did not know how to refuse him without hurting Thranduil’s ego. “If I had your gift with words I probably would have not have gotten in the mess that I did when Thranduil finally made a forward advance. I grappled for an excuse but was at a loss until he asked if I had a lover. I jumped at that and before I knew what I was saying, your name made it past my lips. I regretted it immediately because I knew that you would be hurt, not to mention furious that I would lie about something like that. I could see that Thranduil did not believe me, none the less he let me go and I returned to my chamber, trying to think of any way to get out of the mess that I made. The next day the treaty was signed and I had hoped that at least I would be able to reach you before you happened to hear of my lie, so I could explain and asked for your forgiveness and guidance, but that evening the King announced that he would be traveling back to Imladris with me. The whole journey home I tried to come up with a way to get out of the hole I dug for myself, but could not. So I knew that I had to make Thranduil believe my lie, for even though the treaty was signed, he still could make problems for Elrond and I refused to be the cause of discord between our two realms. So, thinking that I had already lost your friendship, I thought that kissing you in the King’s presence before he had a chance to inquire about our true relationship would lessen his doubts. I did not think you would forgive me and I would tell the King that we had a fight and we were no longer friends or lovers.”

Erestor listened to Glorfindel as he spoke and he knew that he should have not let him take on this mission. Not that he did not believe in him or trust him, but it put stress on him, taking him out of his element. He was not angry with Glorfindel for his reactions to Thranduil; Erestor knew very well how difficult and persistent he could be. But he was puzzled that his name was the one that Glorfindel had used, ‘Why would he use me?’ he thought to himself. Seeing Glorfindel’s worry, he quickly relieved him of it, “Fin, I am not angry that you lied about our relationship. I was angry with you about the kiss, but now I understand why you did it. I have buried my past deep down inside me, never dealing with it, and I find that your kiss was the catalyst to help me break down the wall that I have erected around my heart. When you were gone, I had already made the decision to tell you of my past.”

Glorfindel could not believe that he was being forgiven so easily. When he saw Erestor look away and tears threaten once more, he touched his chin so he could look into his eyes, “Es, I am here, I am not leaving, I will not leave you. You are not alone.”

Erestor searched his eyes then closed his and rested his cheek in Glorfindel’s palm, ‘But he did,’ he thought to himself.

Glorfindel felt Erestor shiver and knew that he needed to make him as comfortable as possible when he started to open himself up. “Erestor, it is growing chilled in here. I bet Elrond has brought our food by now. Let me start a fire and change out of my travel stained clothes. Then we can settle down before the fire and have something to eat and you can tell me everything.”

Erestor noticed then that it was growing dark in the chamber, caused by Anór’s setting. He knew what Glorfindel said was best but he was reluctant to leave the shelter of his arms. So long had Erestor gone without the simplest touch and now he found himself craving it, soothed by Glorfindel’s arms about him. Erestor thought about that fact, wondered why he felt such peace at Glorfindel’s touch. He did not think that he would be able to stand another’s touch, but Glorfindel’s; he did not want to lose it. Suddenly, a dawning recognition came to him. He felt the spark inside him reach for that which burned inside of Glorfindel, his soul. Erestor’s breath caught as his mind whirled at the knowledge that he had found his soul mate and it was his best friend Fin. Not knowing if Glorfindel realized it himself, nor knowing how to act, he slowly stood and said, “I will go and retrieve your clothing and the food while you make a fire.”

Glorfindel frowned as he watched Erestor walk into the sitting chamber. He had felt Erestor’s body stiffen, his breath catch, and he wondered at the reason. Standing, he quickly started a fire then lit some candles, filling the chamber with a soft glow. He turned and hurried to Erestor’s side to take the leaden tray from him, “I think Elrond brought enough food for four people. I hope that you are hungry,” Glorfindel said as he sat the tray down on the fur that lay before the fire.

“Yes, I am sure that he did so that I would take the hint about eating. I will try to eat, though I do not feel that hungry,” Erestor said as he handed Glorfindel his garments.

“Hannon le (Thank you), Es. I will not be long,” Glorfindel said as he went into the bathing chamber.

Erestor watched him go then took some pillows off the bed so they could make themselves comfortable on the floor. Sitting down, he looked into the flames and thought of Fin and the first time he saw him, riding into Imladris after being reborn. How that spark inside him, barely a cinder, flared at the sight of the Golden Warrior, the hero, the legend brought to life. Erestor did not know why he had been drawn to Glorfindel, he being the first to draw his attention since losing Gelduron, but he knew now, and it thrilled him almost as much as it frightened him. How it nearly destroyed him when he lost Gelduron, how much worse would it be if he were to lose Fin. Drawing his knees up against his chest, he wrapped his arms about his legs and thought of the ramifications of telling Glorfindel or not. Even though Erestor seemed to crave Glorfindel’s touch, could he bear to be intimate, to give himself to Fin, to let someone take a piece of him. And did he deserve Glorfindel’s love, his soul? Is this why the Valar never let him fade, was he destined to be with him? He simply did not have the answers and he did not think he would gain them anytime soon.

Glorfindel found Erestor looking forlorn, and it tore at his heart. He hoped that when he told his tale that he would start to heal, then maybe there would be a future for them that was more than friendship, for that was Glorfindel’s greatest wish. Sitting on the other side of the tray, he started to uncover the plates, finding bread, cheeses, meats, fruits, and cakes. “This looks delicious. What would you have, Es?”

Moving to sit cross-legged, Erestor accepted the plate from Glorfindel and said, “I will take a piece of bread, some cheese, and a sliver of apple.”

After placing the requested food on Erestor’s plate, Glorfindel then loaded his plate with samples of everything and stared digging in, finding himself quite famished. Upon the fourth bite, he noticed that Erestor was watching him with a smile and he slowed down, returning his smile.

“I take it you were hungry,” Erestor said before he took a bite of his own food.

“I have to admit, I did not have much of an appetite on the journey home,” Glorfindel said as he poured them each a glass of wine.

Erestor nodded in understanding. They ate in companionable silence, and when they were finished, Glorfindel loaded the dirty dishes onto the tray and took it back into the sitting room, leaving behind the carafe of wine along with their glasses.

Erestor’s pulse quickened, knowing that it was time to tell his tale, and he knew that he needed to ask Glorfindel one more favor, he knew that he needed it or he would not be able to utter one word. When Glorfindel was sitting once more Erestor took a deep breath and whispered, “Fin, would you, that is…do you mind…”

Glorfindel knew what he wanted and without saying anything he opened his arm in invitation.

Erestor sighed with relief and moved to sit in between Glorfindel’s legs so he could rest his back against his stomach. When Glorfindel wrapped his arms about him he grasped his forearms and leaned his head back against his shoulder.

Glorfindel tightened his hold on Erestor, feeling him tremble ever so lightly. “Es, I will not leave you, I will stay here all night if needs be. I can wait until you are ready to talk.”

Erestor closed his eyes at the sound of Glorfindel’s voice in his ear and whispered, “But he left me.”

It was Glorfindel’s turn to close his eyes. The pain in those four words made tears spring to his eyes, and he fought them back, “Who left you, mellon nín?”

Drawing in a ragged breath, Erestor started his tale, beginning with stories of meeting Gelduron when they were just Elflings and how they grew up, always together, nothing able to keep them apart. He spoke of how they would sneak into each other’s chambers at night to tell stories or to play games that Elflings did. He told him of how they had become lovers when they reached majority, though there was not that kind of love for one another, both knowing that one or both would eventually find their soul mates. Their bond was that of brothers, of best friends. When he got to the point of his tale that haunted him to this day, he suddenly lost his voice.

Glorfindel felt Erestor’s body tremble even more and knew that he had come to the part he needed most to talk about, the part that hurt him so. Resting his cheek upon Erestor’s head, he whispered, “He sounds like he was a truly wonderful ellon (m. elf). He reminds me of Ecthelion. We were best of friends, though many thought we were lovers, we never were.”

Erestor regained his breath and went on with his tale, telling of their return journey to Lindon, of encountering other elves and the unaccountable unease he felt towards them.

Glorfindel listened as he was told a nightmare, of something that another elf should never have thought of doing to another, let alone doing it. He paled as Erestor told of him being lashed to a pole and made to watch as his best friend was violated, and he held him as closely as he could without crushing him. Silent tears fell as Elrond entered the picture, of him and his warriors having to commit Kinslaying to free Erestor, and then finally of Gelduron passing on to Mandos’ Halls.

“I pushed Elrond away and held Gelduron for hours, wishing that I would follow him, like I always did, but was not allowed to this time. Finally Elrond managed to get me to loosen my hold on him and the next couple of days are a haze to me. When my mind finally came back from the bottomless pit of despair, I found myself not able to bear the merest touch of another. I built a wall around the pain, around my soul. I had longed to fade, did not want to *be* any longer, but there was always the littlest flame inside of my darkened soul. I never talked about what happened, not once, not even with Elrond, and it pained me that I could not seem to find the courage to, knowing how it hurt him that he was unable to take my torment away. But what could I say, what he and his warriors did, how could I find words to express my sorrow that they had to commit Kinslaying to rescue me…”

Glorfindel turned Erestor in his arms when he heard the sob that was wrenched from him and cradled him in his lap.

Erestor clung to Glorfindel and buried his face in his neck, “Why was I the only one to survive?” he cried, “Why was I spared?”

Holding him tighter, Glorfindel said, “You were not spared, mellon nín, you have had to carry this for all these years. Gelduron and your other companions, they have been able to find peace in Mandos’ Halls where you have not. Where would Imladris be now if you were not here to keep it safe? Your counsel is invaluable to Elrond and what of me? I would not have my best friend, for that is what you are to me. You have made my return to Arda bearable, Es.”

Erestor looked up into his eyes and saw the knowledge there. Reaching up to brush his fingers against Glorfindel’s cheek he whispered, “It was you, you are the reason why I never faded. My soul felt its mate.”

Glorfindel’s breath caught at Erestor’s words and the look in those deep brown eyes, the vulnerability, the pleading for help with healing. Turning his head so he could kiss Erestor’s fingertips, he said, “I will be with you, be anything you need. I will not leave you, mellon nín.”

“When did you know?”

“After the incident with Thranduil. I lay in my bed that night thinking of you and then I thought of Ecthelion. How you two were so different, yet both of you were the closest friends that I have ever had. Then the knowledge of just how different you were to me, of how my soul sang the first time I laid eyes upon you. I knew then, but was not sure I would be able to tell you,” Glorfindel said, looking away.

Erestor frowned, “Why would you not tell me?”

“I see how much it hurts you, to have Lindir love you and you not able to return it properly,” he said before he could stop himself.

Erestor sat back as he gasped, “You love me?”

Glorfindel closed his eyes for a moment before turning to stare into the eyes of his love, “Yes.”

Tears sprang once again to Erestor’s eyes, he could not help it. He had longed for someone to love him, but now, he did not know how much he could give of himself.

Glorfindel’s heart tore into two as he saw the tears start to fall from Erestor’s eyes, “Shh, it is okay. I do not expect you to love me. Just, saes (please), let us stay friends, I need, at least, that.”

Erestor took a deep breath, “I love you, too. But, Fin, I do not think, that is, I am not ready to…”

Glorfindel’s smile was almost blinding as he put a finger to Erestor’s lips to hush him, “You love me? Es, I will be content to be your friend. What I said before, that I would be anything you need, was the truth. Let us concentrate on healing you before we even think of going any further in our relationship. I want, have always wanted, you to be happy.”

“I do not deserve you.”

Pulling Erestor’s head down to rest against his shoulder he whispered, “We deserve each other, we are soul mates.”

Erestor smiled as he closed his eyes. Snuggling closer to Glorfindel, he asked, “Fin, would you stay the night with me, hold me while I sleep?”

“There is nowhere I would rather be.”

TBC