The Probability Factor

Chapter Six-Heart and Soul

June arrived on United around 11:30am on the 18th, and unfortunately took an hour to get through security. She had accidentally told one of the CBSA officers that she was here to visit a friend who worked for the Government. They got suspicious right away, and checked her luggage and purse, and asked her if she was bringing across any substantial amounts of money. I had to laugh when she finally trudged through the security doors with a tired look on her face. Once she told me the story, I asked her why she didn’t just say that I worked for Indian Affairs. She said she couldn’t remember the name of my department, and was so flustered by the brow-beating she forgot to mention I dealt with Indian claims. I patted her back and taking her luggage, walked with her out to the car. Haldur was sitting in my little sedan, and as soon as he spotted me, he got out.

June’s jaw dropped and she grabbed my arm, “Who is that?” she gasped.

“Oh, okay. This is Haldur. He’s a friend from Norway here to learn English,” I explained, trotting out my well-used lie.

June poked me, “Are you going to introduce us?”

I laughed, “Sorry, I was just getting to that. Haldur, this is my friend June. June this is Haldur.” I watched as June turned on her best smile.

“Hello Haldur. It is a pleasure to meet you,” her voice dripped with Southern hospitality, “How are you doing this fine Vancouver day?”

Haldur looked at me, and getting the cue to answer, he took June’s hand and shook it gently, “Hello June. I am fine. Susan tells me you are from Charlotte?”

I had coached Haldur on the proper response, and he had cleaned up his grammar enough to remember to speak in complete sentences. He still forgot things, but Alistair had taken time off of work to coach him while I was at the office, in preparation for June’s visit.

“Yes I am,” June beamed even more, “You are just the sweetest thing, aren’t you? Susan, you have been keeping such wonderful secrets from me!”

Haldur took June’s luggage from me, and I opened the trunk of the car. Once the luggage was squared away, and everyone had climbed in and buckled up, I started the car and drove out of the parkade. Haldur had stuffed himself in the back seat behind me, so I moved my seat as far forward as I could to accommodate his long legs without having my knees up around my chin. I may only be 5’8”, but I had a 31 ½” inseam, and long legs get pretty uncomfortable being squished under a dashboard.

I drove June to her hotel. She was staying at the Sutton Place, which is quite popular with Hollywood. When folks come into town to film, if its budget was healthy, they’d park the stars in the Sutton. Five star service and accommodations, plus they were very discreet. The porters came out to help June with her mammoth suitcase, and I went with Haldur to park below the hotel. We had just entered the lobby when I saw that June had finished checking in, and was heading up to her room.

Taking Haldur by the hand, I followed her onto the elevator. Haldur had become more at ease in elevators, but he needed to touch me to reassure himself that nothing bad would happen. I likened it to regressive behaviour in the face of severe trauma. Haldur had been thrown into a radically different culture and was dealing with it the best way he knew how.

June looked at my hand entwined in Haldur’s and pursed her lips. “So. How long had this been going on?” she gestured towards our hands.

I inwardly grimaced, “June, Haldur gets a little nervous in elevators.”

“I do not like elevators. Too small,” Haldur offered, holding my hand tighter.

June smiled, “Claustrophobia huh? That sucks,” she turned to me, “I can’t light up in the elevator can I?”

“No,” I pointed to the no-smoking sign, “Remember, in your room or out on the street. WCB rules.”

June frowned, “I know. I need to quit smoking.”

“And you will when you immigrate here,” I replied.

June laughed, “Yeah, when I get my shit together finally.”

We arrived at June’s room on the twelfth floor, and got her organized. June’s room had a view of Robson Street and as soon as June had opened up the curtains, she flopped down on the edge of the bed and pulled out her smokes.

“Oh god, I needed this,” she took a long drag, “That search with Customs was ridiculous. I cannot believe they thought I was buying my way into the country.”

“Well, paranoia runs deep. What can I say?” I got up and moved to the door, “We’re just going to go home and get changed. Then we’ll come back around 3ish to take you out.”

June waved through the cloud of smoke billowing around her, “Yeah, later.”

Haldur and I drove home with the windows wide open and Haldur’s hair whipped around inside the car. I had to laugh when he gleefully stuck his head out the window, like a dog, to feel the wind on his face. We were driving down Davie and even though we were only moving at maybe 35 to 40kms/hr, it was enough to invigorate Haldur. The first time I took him out in the car four weeks ago, he was completely freaked out. I had to pry him off the front seat; he was gripping the sides so hard. Now he enjoyed the rides. If I said I had to go somewhere, he’d immediately ask if I was going in my car. Living downtown meant I didn’t have to drive many places, but with Haldur taking to car travel like a duck to water, I had to find excuses to take the car so he could have some fun.

When we arrived home, and got back into the apartment, Haldur turned to me.

“Thank you for the car ride,” he said sincerely.

“You are most welcome,” I replied, patting an anxious Roxy in greeting.

“I know you do not drive much. You drive for me,” he said moving closer to me.

I could feel the heat from his body, and I shivered involuntarily. After our first kiss, I hadn’t been in a position for potential contact like that. Haldur moved in close to my face, and I felt my heart rate race in anticipation.

My relationship with Haldur was hard to define. I wanted him like no other person before him, but I was still so hurt by Greg’s betrayal, I couldn’t let go of my heart.

His mouth was right next to mine, and I felt him move against my face. Lips caressed my skin softly. Once, twice, three times. Covering my cheeks and my forehead like the light beat of a butterfly’s wings against silk. He stepped back and cupping my chin in his hand, he looked into my eyes.

“Thank you. For everything,” he said softly.

My heart thumped loudly in my chest, “For what? I’ve just done what any good Canadian would do.”

Haldur smiled, “No you have not. You have done more. You have a good and generous heart.”

I was taken aback. Not just over the fact that Alistair and Haldur had obviously made great gains with his vocabulary, but that Haldur recognized I didn’t have to do as much as I had. I was a little embarrassed at being caught in the act of altruism. Normally I do things on the DL. I don’t like to be the centre of attention, but I enjoy helping people. I know I help people in my job, but I have such a kinship with humanity, a deep and abiding love, I have to help whenever I can. I just feel wrong if I don’t.

Haldur smiled at me again, before he turned to get Roxy’s leash, in order to take her out for a walk. I slipped on a pair of runners and walked out with them. The weather was still very hot, but instead of taking Roxy to the beach to play in the cool ocean water, he walked towards the park. We walked through the tall trees on a dirt path, not saying a word to each other. Roxy enthusiastically sniffed every shrub and branch on the path, and I watched Haldur relax under the green canopy. Years seemed to melt off his face the deeper we went into the woods.

My heart tugged inside my chest and I wondered if I was falling in love with him. I had been so damaged by Greg, but having Haldur in my home for the last seven weeks, with no expectations from him for anything romantic, I was beginning to feel safe again. I didn’t know if Haldur had been told about Greg by Alistair, but I knew he could’ve tried to take advantage of the situation on many occasions. He never made a move, even after our first kiss, he remained a gentleman. I knew there was sexual attraction, but since I can never tell if I’m generating enough current for two people or not, I didn’t know if he felt anything for me. I was scared and excited at the same time. The prospect of a relationship had me torn in different directions, and I wasn’t sure what to do. My friends would all say go for it, as they believed there was nothing to lose. I felt a little differently. My heart could be lost, and I didn’t know if I could go through that torment again. My emotions wanted to try again, but my intellect didn’t want to risk a negative response.

When we got back to the apartment, I gave Roxy some fresh water before I got into the shower to get ready for the evening.

I had bought Haldur a few pairs of khakis and the softest pair of jeans I could find. He had tried on this pair of Seven jeans, and said the feel was fine, so I ponied up $200 for them, and told him to not wear them into the water. The khakis were much cheaper Gap khakis. I can afford to blow $40 on sale. I had also picked up this soft cotton sweater from Banana Republic, and I loved him in it. I had laid it out for him to change into after he had showered.

My shower was a quick cold one, as I needed to cool off after wandering out in the heat. I jumped out of tub and towelled myself off as quickly as I could, so Haldur could use the bathroom next. Haldur was waiting outside the door when I came out in my robe. I had left the water running and handed him a fresh towel as I walked past him. He had taken off his shirt and his shorts were hanging precariously from his hips as he brushed by me. I forced myself to not think about my body’s treacherous reaction to his proximity. Instead I went into my bedroom to get into my new summer skirt. It was a light cotton knit, skimming my hips and flaring out around my knees. I liked the coolness of the fabric in the heat, and that was the main reason I bought it. I needed to be cool in this heatwave, or I’d tempt another migraine. I pulled on a turquoise beaded t-shirt and a pair of flat slingbacks. Spraying on some perfume, I clipped on a chunky bracelet and walked out of my bedroom to wait out in the living room.

Haldur was quick and he came out with his bath towel slung low over his hips. I felt a surge of desire flood my body, and got up to hang out in the kitchen while he dressed. Haldur just gave me a funny look as I walked away from him. Normally I’d just sit on the couch while he changed, looking at the TV or the ceiling. Going into the kitchen was a poorly disguised attempt to avoid him, and he didn’t know why.

I looked in the fridge for something to drink, and I called out, “Do you want some water before we go, or do you want something else?”

“Water is fine Susan. Is that the only reason you went to the kitchen?” he asked.

“Yup,” I came out and tossed him a cool bottle, before I took a long gulp of my own, “I’m a bit thirsty.”

Haldur nodded slowly, not quite believing me. Pulling the sweater over his head he commented, “You look very nice.”

“Thank you. So do you,” I added.

I looked at Haldur, drinking in his image. His tall, strong frame was shown off in the body-fitting sweater and slim-hipped khakis. Eschewing socks, he wore the leather loafers I had gotten him with casual panache. His hair was still damp and he picked up the comb he had put on the coffee table. Holding it out to me, he moved towards me. I pulled out a chair at the dining room table, and motioned for him to sit down.

This was our après-shower ritual. I would spend twenty minutes combing out his hair and massaging his scalp, and he would practice his reading aloud. Alistair and Steve had been teaching Haldur how to read in order to strengthen his language skills. So far he was doing all right. He would read articles from the local free papers, like “The Georgia Straight”, “24 Hours” or “Metro”. The articles were fairly short and used an easy reading style, helpful to ESL readers. Haldur was reading an article from “24 Hours” about Olympic cost overruns. I half-listened, listening for any reading errors, as I carefully combed out his hair. He really enjoyed having me comb out his hair. It reminded me of when I would comb my sister’s hair when we were teenagers. Liz always said having her hair combed out by another person was the most relaxing thing she could experience. I guess it was the same for Haldur. He’d always get this dreamy look on his face, and I’d have to poke him to get him back to reading.

At 2:30 we left Roxy with a bowl of water and a dish of food, making sure the air-conditioner was on low. Instead of driving, we took the Robson bus up to June’s hotel. I had made reservations at ‘West’, to celebrate June’s return to Vancouver. I wanted to take the bus over to South Granville, to wander around the cute stores and antique shops that lined Granville Street before we ate.

We met up with June and I explained the plan. She agreed, and we hopped a #98 B-Line to Broadway, in front of the hotel. The late afternoon sun beat down on us as we disembarked in front of the Chapters. Our reservation was for 6:30, so we had a few hours to kill, and we made the best of them. I led a mini-tour of the local shops and pointed out areas of interest. June had spotted a cute top in the ‘tna’ boutique, and had tried it on to see if it fit. Deciding she wanted it, she asked for it to be held until the store closed at 9pm, and she’d pick it up after dinner. We finally made it to ‘West’ just before 6:30, and were ushered into the intimate dining room. I was pleased that we had a table by the window, as I knew June loved to watch passers-by. Haldur sat beside me, so I could quietly explain the menu to him. June sat across from me, watching me interact with Haldur.

“So, how long have you been here Haldur?” June asked, leaning forward.

Haldur watched her carefully, “Seven weeks.” His features were schooled into a calm mask.

“Well, I must say, you’re English is very good. Is Susan the only teacher you have, or do you go to school here?” she continued.

I answered for Haldur, “He is tutored by an ESL teacher and my friend Alistair while I am at work. When I get home in the evenings, we go over the lessons with practical usage. I take him out to practice his new skills.”

June nodded, “Uh-huh. So how long have you been seeing each other?” she bluntly asked.

I laughed, startling Haldur beside me, “We’re not seeing each other, June. He’s my friend and I’m helping him out.”

June gave me a hard look, “But you want more.”

Now I was getting uncomfortable. Haldur stepped in to defend me.

“Susan is my friend. We are happy as friends,” his hand found mine under the table, and he squeezed it reassuringly.

June looked at Haldur, and deciding he would not help her cause, dropped the subject. “Sooo, what does everyone feel like having for dinner?” she casually remarked, picking up her menu.

Dinner relaxed considerably, once our meals came. I had the lamb, which was absolutely delicious; and Haldur had the truffle and ravioli. June went for some squab, and we finished with chocolate desserts. June had the chocolate tasting, gorging on three different chocolate creations. I shared the pot de crème with Haldur, who was amazed by the new taste of chocolate. I didn’t know he had never had chocolate before, or I would’ve introduced him to the taste weeks ago. Needless to say, I only got a couple of bites, and Haldur consumed the rest in a fit of chocoholic haze. We waddled out of ‘West’ about 8:30, and wandered over to ‘tna’ to pick up June’s top. She was tempted by a pair of casual pants as well, but decided she’d wait and see if anything else tempted her while she visited.

Our evening culminated in sitting outside on the patio at the Earl’s on Robson, so June could smoke and drink. Haldur listened to us catch up, giggling like school girls as we discussed the frailties of men in general. We closed the place down, and Haldur and I escorted June back to her hotel, before we caught the N6 night bus on Granville to get back to Davie at Denman.

I got into the apartment, only to find Roxy dancing around like a whirling dervish. Picking up her leash, I wearily traded my slingbacks for a pair of suede slip-ons and clomped out the door with Haldur in close pursuit.

“I can take her if you are tired,” he offered as we walked to the elevator.

“No, no. It’s okay. I’ll just take her around the block and then she’ll be good for the night,” I yawned.

He silently followed me onto the elevator, and took my hand. “Then we will walk together,” he quietly said.

We walked out into the cool night air, and let Roxy have her head as we walked around the block. I cleaned up after she had done her business, and we started back to the apartment.

“What did June mean when she said you wanted more?” he asked, staring at the cement sidewalk.

I looked at him and then down at Roxy, who was investigating a shrub with great interest. “Uh, well…June seems to think that I am not happy just being your friend,” I stammered.

Haldur looked over at me, taking my hand again, “Are you?”

“Am I what?” I evaded.

“Are you not happy just being my friend?” he answered calmly.

I didn’t know what to say. I liked Haldur, and I was really attracted to him, but I didn’t want to pressure him into anything he didn’t want. My silence must’ve answered him, because he stopped me in my tracks and turned to face me.

“I like being your friend,” he said looking into my eyes, “but I see what other people do, and I want to do that with you too.”

I was slightly confused, “What do you mean? What do other people do?”

“They kiss. I want to kiss you too, but I feel like you are…not ready for me to do that,” he carefully spoke.

I thought about what he said. If he was being honest, which I had no doubt of; he was saying he liked me more than as a friend. I hoped fervently I had assumed correctly.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to move things forward if you don’t want to,” I explained.

“Pardon me?” he in turn, looked confused.

“I would like you to kiss me too, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to, or that you have to be more romantically involved with me if it’s not what you want,” I explained lamely.

He smiled and moved in closer, “It is what I want.” He took my face in his large slender hands, and pulling me closer to him, he bent down and gently caressed my lips with his. I opened my mouth to suck on his lower lip and he slid his tongue in, sweeping my mouth and sending electric shocks throughout my body. I melted against him, and deepened the kiss, my body on fire from the contact. One of his hands slid off my face, and down my back, grasping my butt, pressing me even closer to him. I ran my fingers under his sweater, and felt the immense heat being generated. I shivered in desire, and felt myself grow more aroused by his body rubbing against mine. I could feel evidence of his arousal too, and just before our display became indecent, Haldur pulled away.

“We should get back,” he panted.

“Yes,” I agreed dizzily.

We walked back quickly, with Haldur holding my hand tightly to his chest. We entered my apartment in a flurry, quickly taking off Roxy’s leash and locking up behind us. Haldur kicked off his shoes as I slid mine off, and then he pinned me to the wall. He trailed tiny butterfly kisses up my throat, before he devoured my mouth again. I lifted my leg up to wrap it around his waist. Haldur slid his arm under it, and lifted me up. He took my other leg, and slid his arm under my thigh, before he hoisted me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his back to hold on as he moved across to the couch in the living room, and sat down. Kneeling on the couch, I grabbed the bottom of his sweater and pulled it off of him. He pulled my shirt off, and stared at my chest, letting his hands glide over my bra.

“Take this off,” he whispered intensely.

I undid my bra and slid it off, and he sighed as he watched my breasts fall out of the silky cups of fabric. His hands cupped the fleshy globes, and his fingertips drew circles around the nipples, making me moan and writhe against his pelvis. He pulled my head down and began to kiss me again, as I pressed myself against his body, feeling the rippling musculature against my hot skin. I felt like I was melting into his body as time seemed to slow, and the only thing that existed was Haldur and me, locked in an intimate embrace. We became liquid, losing dimension and boundaries as we swam in each other’s blood. I forgot myself, and let Haldur lift my skirt. He slid his fingers underneath my panties, grazing my nether lips, parting them to slide his fingers into my core. Mumbling something in his native tongue, he kissed me even deeper and I moaned in response. I felt the familiar surge build up in my pelvis as he worked his fingers in and out of me, sliding his thumb over my clit in time with his imbedded fingers. I broke off the kiss as I arched my back in ecstasy as the climax surged through my body. I jolted, all my muscles contracting in the force of the climax, and let out a tiny cry. I fell against Haldur’s chest, panting from the exertion, as he stroked my back with the tips of his fingers. I felt a sensation of loss as he pulled his fingers out of me. I ground my pelvis against his erection, and I felt it jump inside his pants. Part of me wanted to take off his pants and make love to him on the couch, and part of me wasn’t sure I was ready to make love again, even though my body cried out for the intimacy of penetration. Haldur, sensing my torn emotions, gently lifted me off of his lap, and put me down beside him.

“I can wait,” he said simply.

“No you can’t. I can do this,” I replied.

“I can wait,” he reiterated. Standing up, he picked me up off the couch and carried me to my bedroom. Gently he put me down on the bed, and walked over to the door, pausing before he left, “I can wait for you.” He softly closed the door behind him as he went back into the living room for the night.

I stared at the dark ceiling, wondering why I couldn’t just give myself to him like other women would gladly do. That night was spent tossing and turning as I fretted over my desire for Haldur and my reticence to fully give myself to him.