A Gift of Love

CHAPTER FIVE

Possibilities

I sit at the window looking out over the garden that offers sanctuary to Elladan and I. Both our rooms open to it, away from the rest of the household. Either by accident or design, it offers us on many occasions the solitude we need to be ourselves with each other. It offers me a chance now to be alone, Elladan off on some task set by Glorfindel.

I would think on what Gandalf has said. I would think on Ada. And Elladan. For the moment I sit, head in hands, listening only to the rustle of leaves in the afternoon air.

I wonder if I have not thought enough to the future. If, in my joy to have found what I thought to be the answer, to give what I yearn to give my brother, I have overlooked the hardships.

Had it been easier for Elured and Elurin in their isolation from both elf kind and man to reach their decision when the only consideration, monumental though it was, would have been the safety of Elurin and child? How much harder it will be for us, Elladan and I, here in Imladris, where open though we thought our secret to be, it is not spoken of nor acknowledged in any manner? What fate do we and our child, if conceived, face ?

Am I wrong to want this?

Gandalf has spoken of dangers, physical and of the heart. Of pain to the body and to the soul. That he spoke from what he has seen or what he has read, I could not tell. The truth of it hidden in the riddles he tells. Of one thing I am certain, he knows of the magics that will be needed. And it will be the knowledge of such things that I will need to look to if we are to set ourselves on this journey.

I look out to the garden head resting in the palms of my hand with a sigh. Perhaps Elladan is right. Perhaps I have seen what lies in his heart, not what is to be. Perhaps I should as Elladan has done, been thankful for what had been granted me and not press the fates for more. My conviction wavers but is not broken. There is the ever present image of my brother, so real that when I close my eyes I can almost reach out to touch his arm and smooth the dark locks of the babe¡¦s hair. That I can not shake and that is my courage to press forward. I can see it now, so tantalisingly close to me. Elladan smiling, the child¡¦s grey eyes looking to mine. I can almost feel the sweet breath on my outstretched hand.

I rise from the chair, the faith in my vision renewed, and go to seek out Ada.

My pace slows as I approach his rooms where I know him to be. I would alone offer a reason for the love Elladan and I shared. I would wish my brother with me. The constant thought is, hand in hand, we would stand before him to confirm what he already knows, accepting whatever judgement there is to be. Elladan will not be pleased to learn I have gone alone. I can reason to myself that that is not the purpose What I would speak on is beyond the news of incestuous sons. And before I undertake the harrowing task of speaking on this to Elladan I have to find a peace within my own mind. I have to know I have Ada's consent. I do not think to seek his approval, merely his acceptance. For Elladan I need not maybes and perhaps. For him I need certainty and surety.

My hand hovers on the door. The tap is light but will have been heard inside. Cautiously I push it open. Ada is standing at the window. He is unmoved at my entry though he will have heard my approach. I stand and wait.

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Elrond rose from the desk, pushing the papers away from him. The words had become blurred on the page as his attention had been elsewhere. His eye caught the room to the side and the cradle that still sat there.

He saw again the scurry of activity around the narrow bed, the look of awe as one dark haired child followed another in the world. He watched again as the vision of so long ago reappeared to him. The tiny creatures that wrapped their arms around each other on the snow white blanket changed in that instant. Long lithe bodies of two grown elves held each other in tight embrace, mirror imaged eyes gazed at each other, identical lips closed over each other in passion¡¦s grasp. A cry and the image was lost, but not its import. It had only been the when of his sons discovering their love, not the if.

Eyes slowly closed and reopened as the Lord of the Elven Realm made his way to the garden, stopping before his feet touched the softness of the grass.

He heard first the soft laughter of elflings at play. Slowly the image became more solid. Two stood barefoot. In their hands small wooden shapes fashioned in the manner of swords. They stood with the shadows of the leaves on their faces. As one thrust the other danced out of the way, to bring the sword sweeping down. The first countered strongly, the weapon pushed away. The movements lacked the grace of younglings with some experience, but there was clear natural skill in the anticipation and countering of each move. The two were equally matched on both appearance and manner. As he watched he noted the way they balanced on their feet, stepping this way and that, so concentrated on this that he noticed only the flight of the wooden sword as it made its way to the ground. As he shifted his gaze it was obvious what had occurred. One, weaponless now held his hand, the other rushing to his aid, letting his sword fall behind him. He gathered the hurt one in his arms, smoothing his hair with one hand as he held him close. The breeze shifted the fall of light and the young one looked up to where he stood but did not look to him. His grey eyes glistened with unshed tears at the pain he had caused the other. Elrond felt the pull toward them but did not move to disturb this scene. Instead watched and waited while two familiar figures emerged from the shadows to scoop one each into his arms. As he continued to watch, they turned to him, mirrors within mirrors.

He watched until they walked and shimmered from his sight. Only then was he aware of the one who stood behind him.

"Elrohir,¨ he whispered as he turned.

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Part Two

With a sweep of his hand, Ada bade me sit. He remained standing, staring into the garden, seemingly searching for something that was there a moment ago but now had vanished for him.

Then he turns to look into the room whose door is ajar. It is not often the room is open, most times it is tightly shut and locked for reasons known only to him. Elladan and I have thought on those reasons but left it when the questions had been met with a frown and a sadness that flickered briefly over his face until he had regained himself.

"I watched your birth, Elladan, then you,¨ his voice is barely above a whisper, too soft for any but elven ears to hear. He nods to the room, taking a pace to toward it. I thought he is to step over the threshold, but he halts, lost again in some memory, some seeking for what is lost.

"Yes,¨ I answer. Elladan and I know this. It had served as our play area also. Toys constantly strewn on the floor, the noise of our boisterous play seemingly not to bother Ada who worked in the room we sat in now.

"I saw........¨ He turnes now to regard me, "I saw what was to be.¨

Nodding once, I lower my gaze to the folded hands on my lap. I know from the tone of his words and the set of his form that he spoke of the love I share with my brother. "I..........¨

He walks to me and kneels down, taking my hands in his. For a moment he simply holds them then looks to me, holding my gaze in his grey eyes.

"Are you happy, Elrohir, truly happy?¨

"Yes, Ada,¨ I assure him. How could I not be, but I understood as well the concern he feels for us. "He makes me happy, without him, there is a bleakness to my life that I cannot live with. I....we....have always known that we belong to each other.¨

He nods slowly, taking in all. I can feel the touch of his thoughts as he seeks to confirm what I have said.

He stands again, not letting go of my hand, guiding me to stand at the window. "I would have counseled you earlier on this, should have before¡K..before you and he¡K¡Kbut it matters not now. I will be content with your choice. You come to me now with your love too strong to be broken. You will need that strength Elrohir, in the times to come.¨

I follow his gaze into the garden, but say nothing. The feeling overwhelming that he knows what it is I have to ask. Why I have come to him.

I anchor my thoughts to Elladan. Our love is illicit, we have always known how it went against all that is taught. We do not have to be told this, just as we do not have to be told that is right for us, that there can be no other way.

¡§There are many reasons I can give you to caution you away from this path you wish to take. Many reasons, Elrohir, but you know this. A love such as yours and your brother¡¦s is not what should ever be. There are those who know and do not say, others who guess at the closeness of you. Still others who cannot begin to understand what it is between you. But what you ask for now, my son, I fear. ¡§

Just as my heart has been made lighter by Ada's acceptance of us, it now darkened with those words. He would tell me what I already know. That what I ask for is impossible. That our people may accept Elladan and I. They may in time accept a child delivered of a male. But a child conceived between brother and brother? In my heart of hearts I know the answer to that. Know what Elured and Elurin had known. Understood why they had chosen to guard themselves, their love and their child so completely.

Ada still has not spoken, is still looking out into the garden.

He looks more weary than I have ever seen him. The grip he has on my hand is fierce. "Yet, ....and yet ......¨

I can say nothing. His very knowledge has made any words I could form useless.

"Yet, I have seen what is to come.¨

There was a shimmer and I see it. Elladan holding a child, not a babe this time a child with his eyes and fall of moonless night hair and with him I stand, child in my own arms. I gasp. Surely......"

¡§It is as it can be,¨ Ada¡¦s voice beside me, disturbing the vision. "I cannot change what is to be, not in this. The only one who can challenge this destiny will be Elladan.¨ He pauses and I wait. "I will not seek to persuade him against you."

Elladan. I had stiffened at the naming of my brother. Elladan whose answer I could already hear.

Ada steps away from me. It has been an age since I had witnessed tears in his eyes.

"I will not stop you, nor will it have me love you and your brother less. I fear only the consequences of this.¨

I have what I had come to seek. His acceptance of what I wanted, but not his approval. That is not possible, a dream only.

It is unexpected when Ada embraces me. I can feel the wetness of tears being shed, his and mine.

"Seek him. Tell him. Ask your question. The choice is with him now.¨

I nod, bow, turn to leave. Already as I reach the door and look to him, his gaze is back to the room. I wonder what he sees in there now.

With little sound I step out of the room. I lean against the closed door for long moments, the quietness of the empty corridor soothing. I can not allay the fear of my greatest test yet to come. I have garnered at the very least begrudging sanction from wizard and lord. What would I receive from my brother ?

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"No.¨

"Elladan ..... please¨ I hold my hand out to him, resting it on his arm.

He has come back from overseeing the training of some young elves. Hot and with little patience left, I have arranged a bath for him, filled it with calming oils. I had intend to speak to him regardless of mood or temper. I could not wait any longer than I already had. The secret I kept from him gnawed at my heart, the weight of it heavy. Still I had had to know for certain, I did not want false hopes kindled then be snatched away. I watch him relax and his humour reappear. I find myself thinking perhaps this will not go badly.

As he dresses I sit on the chair to regard him. He is powerful, every fibre of his being proclaims him warrior, each movement sends muscles flexing and a shiver through my body. I could watch him forever and still be in awe of him. I watch him now dress, covering piece by piece his pale skin and wish it were not so. My tongue flicks over my dry lips. How much I want him.

He comes to kneel at my feet, placing his head in my lap. My fingers toye with the damp strands of hair and the tips of his ears. He sighs contentedly, nuzzling against the curve of my thigh, his teeth nipping softly at the fabric.

"Elladan?¨ I begin..

He mumbles a "hmm..."¨ to me his attention otherwise occupied.

"Do you recall when I spoke of what I had witnessed in Edoras?¨ I know he will recall it with clarity whether he wishes to or not. I feel him tense at my words and lift his head to look at me, the frown already appearing. So like Ada, I manage to think amid the harsh pounding of my heart and knot in the pit of my stomach.

As I look at him, my resolve has weakened again. He has been vehement in his protest at my first suggestion. And in the months since my discovery I still have not formed the words I know I would need. But I had started now, letting it linger once more would not make the telling any the easier. I run my hand over his cheek, hold his hand in mine, bringing it to my lips, then with a deep breath I begin. I speak of what I have learned, of my meeting with the wizard. Lastly I speak of Ada.

I watch with increasing dismay. He has simply looked steadfastly into my eyes with no word of comment. He has needed no words. I have betrayed him approaching Ada on my own, I have gone against his wishes to continue to seek out an answer to my vision. I wish I could have shared with him what I had seen and what Ada had shared with me. But I do not have that ability much as I desire it. I have only my conviction. Ada has said it would be Elladan¡¦s choice. So I await that. He is silent. This is worse than any raging he could have done.

Then he has risen from the floor, pulling his hand free from mine and walking to the window. I have to smile despite it all. We all look to the gardens for comfort. What did Elladan see as he looks out on the life beyond?

He then gives his answer. And shrugs off my hand that I have placed on his shoulder as I move to stand behind him.

"No,¨ he repeats. And continues to gaze outward.

"Elladan........¨ the name a plea to him.

"Why do you pursue this? I asked that you leave it be.¨ There is an edge to his voice that is not only anger, but fear.

"I have seen, Ada has seen ......¨

"I have not, Elrohir, I have not.¨

He turns to me then, tears on the edge of falling. I cup his cheek in my hand as he presses it to my palm. I lift his lips to mine and we kiss slowly. I lead him to our bed.

I remove the sparse clothes he has donned after his bath, then lie him down on the bed while I remove mine. Neither of us speak. We let our love for each other be our communication at this point. I had half feared he would reject me after what I had done and said. He smiles a little, knowing my thoughts, shaking his head that such a thing is possible.

I take my place next to him as he rolls to lie facing me. We kiss again, this time with more passion, there is an urgency to him now. His hands are on my body, pulling me close to him. I know the signs of his fear. My own hands linger longer on him, lending a calmness to this foreplay. I touch softly to his more ardent, his hand tugging at my hair, mine threading through the strands. His tongue pressing against pliant one. He is flushed and breathless when we part.

"I need you, Elrohir, my brother.¨

The dark gaze of lust is upon him, yet his eyes hold the look of a wounded animal in them. Concern holds me back until his firm flesh pushes at my thigh.

I feel also his hand press between our close bodies, the feather brush of his fingers over my skin, the curl of his hand as he begins long steady strokes. I widened the distance between us to accommodate him more, my back fully on the silken sheet under us.

He moves too, his mouth now on me, his warm breath wafting over my heated skin. Instinctively I arch to him, then withdrew slowly, savouring with a quiver the feel of his lips run over the taunt skin.

My hands coil in his hair, I bring his lips back to mine for a lanquid kiss.

"Have me? I ask him as our lips part from each other.

"Always,¨ he replies, "always.¨

He lies legs spread on the bed before me. My fingers trace over his body until they too curl over him. I touch as he had done, slow long strokes of his swollen hardness. It makes me ache all the more for him. Arching into my touch he calls out, not yet ready to give all to me, I delight still at his response.

His impatience is evident in the wrap of his legs at my waist pulling me close. His melancholy mood vanquished as I push into his willing body, feeling the first hold of muscles about me. Our dance begun, slow steady pace, accustoming each other once more to the closeness of our bodies. Elladan's quiet moans indistinguishable from my own. As he becomes more insistent with the arch and flex of his body, so I become more ragged in my movements. Too soon my hands bruise his hips as I hold him down, harsh thrusts that I cannot not control push deep into him. My name a constant on his lips as he writhes, hands clenched about the sheet on which he lies, pearl essence pooling on his stomach.

One final press and I too am undone. Head tossed, my hair clinging to my damp back. I remain motionless, feeling myself slip from him, mourning that loss greatly. There is a unity between us when we love so. I sense the sadness in him as I gather him into my arms and let him weep for his unknown grief.

When I wake, the space beside me is still warm. He has not long gone. We will talk again later. I would have him tell me the cause of the tears he shed.

I lay looking at the pattern that does not exist on the ceiling, thinking.