Life is Too Short

Life is Too Short

Chapter Six – Decisions

They didn’t wake me for a couple of hours and it was another good, deep sleep. If Haldir could market his sleeping spell, he’d be rich. I didn’t open my eyes right away because I was trying to remember what I’d heard Thranduil say before Haldir hurriedly knocked me out. I had the feeling that whatever it was, the Marchwarden didn’t want me to know about it. Even with my eyes mostly closed, I could tell that the room was beginning to grow light and I knew that our wonderful night would soon be drawing to an end.

I felt a hand trailing down my leg now, meaning that somebody knew that I was awake. I opened my eyes to see Thranduil move closer and touch his lips to mine, so it was Haldir who was lying motionless behind my back, his arm wrapped around my waist. I thought that he must still be in reverie, since he did not truly sleep, but he answered that question with a light kiss to my hair.

“Did you sleep well, Sinda?” the king asked me as his hands wandered freely about my body.

“Yes, I did,” I replied, reaching my hand back to touch Haldir’s face. He caught a finger lightly between his teeth for a moment before releasing it.

“I must leave soon, but I desire you now,” Thranduil said, taking my hand and lowering it to his arousal. I wondered if that was to prove how much he desired me or just to keep me from touching Haldir again. Once my hand was in place, he began to taste my lips, moving on to my neck as his hand slipped between my legs. After only a few more minutes of his expert touch, he eased my leg over his hip to allow him entry. Free to roam now, my hand moved to cover Haldir’s, just below my ribcage. I wondered what could possibly be more wonderful than being held and caressed by what were, in my opinion, the two most gorgeous beings on the face of the earth. My mind drifted back to the comment my third grade teacher had made about all of the problems my overactive imagination would cause some day, and I smiled. Problems like this, I could live with.

I wondered if Haldir would join us, but he seemed content for now to lay behind me and hug me to his chest as Thranduil took a turn alone. The king didn’t waste any more time on preliminaries but got down to business, driving himself into me in such a manner that he quickly took me over the edge. We came at the same time, as we usually did, and I reached down to squeeze Haldir’s hand when it happened, wanting to include him. He squeezed back but he seemed so quiet and still that it concerned me. I turned to him afterwards and asked if he wanted me, too, but he just looked into my eyes and kind of let out a small sound that was supposed to be a laugh. He ran a finger across my lips and continued to gaze at me in something other than lust and I knew that he was falling in love with me. I knew it. In that split second of time, I also felt him in my mind again and it became clear to me that he had heard the thought.

“Haldir?” I asked, concerned about what this would mean. It would be the end of our relationship, I was sure.

He blinked and glanced quickly over my shoulder at Thranduil then back at me. Taking his hand abruptly from my face, it was as though a switch had been thrown.

“On second thought,” he said, biting my neck a little roughly. “I think that I will take you up on your offer.”

The elf that I had just spent the last three blissful days with was gone, as the impassive Marchwarden rolled me beneath his body and began to claim me. I didn’t see any hint of love on his face, nor lust for that matter. It was almost as though he was having sex with me now because it was expected of him. I was so confused that I didn’t know what to say, so I remained silent, hoping to discover an explanation later. As I knew would happen, as soon as Haldir began to thrust into me, Thranduil made it clear that he wanted to join us. I was quickly repositioned and the king immediately prepared himself as well as me for our union. For a reason unknown to me, Haldir would not even meet my eyes during this time and I began to grow more hurt and confused by the moment.

My instinct was to stop our little pleasure session then and there until I had an answer, but it began to sink into my thick skull what the problem might be. Thranduil’s words finally came back to me and added credibility to my earlier revelation that Haldir was falling in love with me. ‘You fool!’ he had said. ‘She is a mortal.’ I tried blocking the thoughts, keeping them on the edge of my mind to pull out and examine later when it was safe and I think that it worked because I could feel Haldir probing harder at my mind. He finally turned to look at me intently and I simply pictured his face, but kept the other thoughts locked safely away.

When the birds began to sing outside, Thranduil rose and stretched, looking like a Greek god in the early morning light. He pulled me to my feet.

“It was a wonderful night and I truly hate to see it end,” he stated, brushing my hair out of my face, “but I am sure that the two of you can continue without me. I have a plane to catch.”

He dressed and I walked with him to the door where he hugged me closely and kissed me before turning to look at Haldir, “Be careful, Marchwarden. Remember that you are playing with fire.”

“You are wrong about that,” Haldir said, brushing the statement off in almost a sneer. “I have played the game long enough to know my limitations. I am no fool.”

That cut me to the core. They must not have realized that I understood what they meant. I was glad to hear that Haldir was not in love with me, after all, because it really was for the best. Still, it bothered me to have it pointed out that I was a mere mortal and just a toy for them to use as they pleased. I could forgive Thranduil because he never promised me anything more. Haldir had led me to believe that maybe his interest in me ran a little deeper than just sex. I kissed Thranduil one last time and made it a good, long one, just for Haldir. I also told the king that I would look forward to seeing him again. They slipped into their own tongue as I put my bathing suit on and left the cottage without another word to either of them. Their conversation continued for a few minutes before Thranduil finally got into a rented Corvette and sped away, throwing up dust and rocks behind him. As my arms cut through the cold, murky water, I decided that I would swim as far as I thought I could safely go and still make it back. I did not dare to let my mind run too freely because I could feel Haldir prodding at it again, trying to pull my thoughts out for his perusal.

Upset and confused, I swam hard and thought about what the two elves had said. In the peripheral of my mind, I began to examine my earlier idea that Haldir was simply trying to hide his feelings from either Thranduil or me; maybe both of us. What seemed obvious now was that Haldir had become aware of his feelings and had pushed the emotion aside before it had a chance to take hold. That would explain the sudden change I had felt in him. The more I thought about it, the more sure I was that this was the answer. I had no doubt that he had been falling in love with me but I think that he had caught himself before it was too late and had now put up a barrier. Thranduil had known it, too, and that was what he had meant by his comment. I wondered if the rest of our week would be like the first few days had been or if I would be spending time with a stranger instead.

When I turned back towards shore, I realized that I had come much further than I had intended, carried along by my thoughts. That wasn’t good, since I was rather tired from the long, eventful night. I turned over and floated for a while to let my muscles rest, thinking about the previous night as I drifted on the small waves. I was still shocked that I had even allowed it to happen and I was relatively sure that I wouldn’t do it again, but I had no regrets. I had never felt so wanted before in my life as I had felt last night. Yet this morning had been different. After Haldir’s sudden change, I didn’t feel wanted as much as used. I had to laugh. Nothing had really changed except Haldir’s mood and my perceptions. It made me think about all those e-mails I had received over the years pointing out the differences between men and women. It was likely that I was reading way too much into this whole thing. Besides, I reminded myself, none of it was real so why did it matter? I wondered if I should call Glen on his cell phone and ask him if he and the kids had seen and recognized Haldir or not. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, just yet.

I rolled back over and started to swim again, but found myself growing exhausted far too quickly. Nervously, I tried to gauge the distance to the shore and only knew that it was too far. My muscles were actually beginning to shake now and I thought about sending Haldir a message that I needed help. No, I would not do that. I was not going to become dependent upon him to rescue me every time some little thing happened and I also worried that he would think that I was doing it for attention, after I had left so abruptly. I rolled onto my back again and allowed myself to relax and float for a while longer.

When I thought that enough time had passed, I tried once more, but the muscle shakes were not going away. It was time to swallow my pride and send out that message to Haldir and I did so. Not soon enough. A massive muscle cramp hit me in the back so hard that I honestly thought it was a rock being dropped on me from above. I wasn’t sure if it was my abdomen or back that was cramping and didn’t know what to do about it, but it was a moot point anyway as my muscles began to pull me into a ball. I had one last glimpse of Haldir running for the water before I began to sink like a stone. He would never make it in time, I knew. I was too far out and was sinking like a rock. I wondered how deep the lake was as I tried in vain to straighten out my pain-wracked body to no avail. It seemed bottomless, I thought, as I continued to drift downwards, the pressure increasing on my ears all the time. The urge to take a breath was becoming overwhelming and I fought it as long as I could but when I begin to grow dizzy and see stars, I sucked the water into my lungs in a great rush as panic hit me full force. Thrashing now, I continued to sink as the world grew dimmer.

~*~*~

The panic was over now and I could see wavering forms in front of me and I wondered if they were those who had died in the lake, now residing on the muddy floor that I was settling upon. I would probably be joining them, I thought with clinical detachment. I began to feel happy now, almost euphoric, wondering what the big deal had been in the first place. Apparently I could breathe water, because I felt no pain any longer, either from the muscle cramps or my lungs, yet I knew that I was still alive. The forms moved closer to me and one of them reached down to touch my head as I sank a little deeper into the mucky floor of the lake. I listened as he spoke to me but then I was just too tired to do anything else. I closed my eyes and let sleep claim me.

~*~*~

I saw the light in front of me and moved towards it. There was no “stepping into” it; I was pulled like a freight train rushing towards the station. I knew that I had died and was now on my way to whatever awaited me and I was pleased to realize that there was continuation after death. I suddenly looked forward to seeing my father again and my grandfather who had just passed away. I thought about my high-school friend who had died a tragic death at a very young age and was anxious to meet up with him, too. But then everything seemed to slam to a stop, leaving me suspended in a void. Turning to my right, I could see where the light led, and I thought again about those who had left me behind when they died. I took a step towards them, but then turned to look back to the left and saw what I would be leaving behind. I saw Haldir pulling my limp body from the water and carrying me onto the beach where I could clearly see his anguished face. Sure, he felt bad, but maybe it was guilt. There was no future with him, only pain and pleasure while it all lasted. Why would I want to return to that?

“Do you love him?” a voice from the void asked me and I knew that it belonged to the form that had touched my head in the water.

“More than anything in the world,” I answered without hesitation. “But that’s not the point.”

I wondered if it was wise to argue with disembodied voices in the void while trying to make the biggest decision of your life…or death, but I thought that I had the right to do so.

“What would you sacrifice to be with him?” the voice asked me now. What did I have to bargain with? There didn’t seem to be any point to giving up my life. I wouldn’t give up my soul, but other than that, I would give up everything I had. Take my vision, my hearing, a limb and all of my worldly goods, even my real estate. Anything.

“And which direction will you now take?”

I looked to the right where my father and the others would still be waiting for me for all eternity.

I looked to the left again and saw Haldir clutching my still body to him as he sunk onto the sand. I would accept the pain. I would acknowledge the fact that there was no future with the one that I loved and go back to him, regardless. Was that enough of a sacrifice, I wondered? I turned to the right and sent a message to my loved ones that I would be back another time. Changing directions, I began to walk back the way that I had come.

Thranduil was there suddenly as Haldir rolled me onto my stomach. As I drew nearer to them I could hear bits and pieces of their conversation, understanding the words though they were not being spoken in my tongue. Haldir was telling Thranduil that my heart no longer beat, that it was too late, but Thranduil insisted that it wasn’t. The conversation began to sound eerily similar to the one I had just had with the voice, only this time Thranduil was asking Haldir what he was willing to sacrifice.

I stopped just short of them and listened for a moment.

“I cannot do it; I will not,” Thranduil was saying. “You should not either. We should just let her go, but I cannot make the choice for you.”

“I will do anything,” Haldir said. “Anything.” Sounded like my words, I thought. I stepped back into my body and into pain like I have never felt before.

~*~*~

I was puking my guts out on the beach, now, as somebody shoved painfully on my back. With each push, more water and God only knew what else was spewing from my mouth and nose and it hurt like hell. I wanted to go back to sleep on the bottom of the lake where I’d been so comfortable, not that long ago. I finally coughed and lifted an arm to swat at whoever was hurting me so badly.

“Sinda!” Haldir said, his face now close to mine. I didn’t know how he could stand it, being an elf and all. They were supposed to be extra sensitive to these kinds of things. I wouldn’t have been able to be that close to vomit without puking myself. I closed my eyes at once. It was far too bright outside, which was funny since the sky was dark with clouds. My lungs hurt as did every muscle and cell in my body. I opened my eyes just enough to see how far away the water was, because I was going to crawl back in and put myself out of my misery. Before I had the chance, I was scooped up into Haldir’s arms and taken inside.

I wondered if they would call an ambulance, but they didn’t. I guess they didn’t trust modern medicine because they spoke together for a while as Haldir carried me towards the bed, stopping to let Thranduil use a towel on me.

“Bath,” I said, pushing away the towel. They both stopped talking and looked at me like I was crazy. Of course I was crazy, but I still wanted a bath.

“I have vomit in my hair,” I said, struggling with Haldir. There was no way they were putting me in the bed like that. Frowning, Haldir carried me to the tub and rinsed me off. I grabbed the shampoo or tried to. My fingers wouldn’t grasp and I simply knocked it into the tub. Thranduil actually reached in and picked up the bottle, washing my hair for me. Boy, that would never happen again in a million years, I thought. I would have laughed but I knew it would hurt too much. Haldir rinsed my hair with the shower attachment and between the two of them they got me dried off and into bed. The last thing I remembered for several hours was that hand on my forehead again.

~~~

The pain was gone when I woke that evening, but I felt extremely weak. At least I had clean hair, I thought, with no trace of vomit. I thought that I was alone, but then I became aware of the arm that was slung over my hip, holding me against a nice warm elf body. Don’t know how I had missed that. I wondered if I had lost some brain cells when I died today.

“How do you feel, Sinda?” Thranduil whispered into my ear, shocking my socks off. I would have bet money, lots of money, that it had been Haldir holding me.

“Like I died,” I told him, slowly turning to face him.

“Technically, you did,” he replied.

What I wanted to know was where Haldir was. He should have been with me. I was afraid that it would hurt Thranduil’s feelings, though, so I didn’t ask just yet.

“How was I brought back?” I had to know. Bits and pieces were coming back to me, but not everything. I thought that a deal had been struck, but couldn’t remember with whom or by whom.

“We are not sure,” Thranduil told me. “It happened very suddenly.”

The elfking was stroking my hair now and I kept waiting for him to jump my bones. That was why he was still here, I assumed. It was the only reason he came around. But where was Haldir?

Glancing down now, I noticed that not only was Thranduil dressed but I was wearing a big t-shirt that didn’t belong to me.

“It seemed safer that way,” he admitted, wryly. “In case you have not noticed, I do not have a whole lot of self-control and I was told that I had to behave myself.”

“And where is the Marchwarden,” I finally felt safe in asking.

“He went into town to buy some things.”

“And he left me alone with you?” I asked, surprised that he had not sent Thranduil.

“I think he needed some time to think, too,” Thranduil’s look was intense. He was going to tell me that Haldir loved me and then the burden would be upon me to end the relationship. I wasn’t ready for that.

“You missed your flight,” I pointed out, trying to distract him. I touched his flawless face with my fingertips. I couldn’t help it. He was an elf.

“I can get another,” he assured me. “I wanted to be sure that you were healed before I left.”

“Thank you,” I told him, feeling bad about my earlier thoughts. Maybe there was more to the king than just being damn good in bed. The distraction had worked, but now I had to make an effort not to keep touching him.

“Thank you for coming back,” I repeated myself. We kissed and caressed each other, but kept it relatively light, which was probably very difficult for him. He heard Haldir before I did and got up to open the door for the other elf who was loaded down with bags. Haldir started to ask about me before he got through the door, but his eyes were already moving towards the bed. He shoved the bags at Thranduil and it was almost comical, watching the Mirkwood monarch juggle the bags, but I quickly turned my attention back to the elf that was coming towards me.

“Sinda,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “You are awake.”

I nodded and started to sit up and he insisted on helping me. “I am fine,” I told him.

“You are not fine, you died and were very lucky to be given a second chance,” he said, eyes still full of worry.

I didn’t contradict what he said, because I knew that he spoke the truth. A thought brushed my mind again; an idea that I had made a deal…then it was gone. I didn’t worry. I was sure that it would return later.

“And what exactly do you want me to do with all of this?” Thranduil asked, looking around for a place to put the bags.

Haldir gave me a quick smile then turned to help the other elf find places for the things he had bought. They set out some boxes of Chinese food that smelled wonderful, considering the fact that five minutes earlier I would have sworn that I’d never want to eat again. Thranduil began to dish some up onto paper plates while Haldir opened bottles of water for us. They sat the food on the plates on the small coffee table but Haldir turned to look at me.

“Can you get up to eat or would you rather have me bring your food to the bed?” he asked.

“No, I can get up. I don’t like to eat in bed,” I told him, struggling to sit. Thranduil came over and carried me to the table as the Marchwarden disappeared outside for a moment. When I was seated, a couple of pillows propped behind my back, Haldir returned with a bouquet of red roses. I gasped. Nobody had ever bought me flowers before, ever.

“Haldir!” I said, almost feeling like crying. “Nobody has ever done this for me.”

They both looked surprised at that and it embarrassed me. I wondered if the corsage I got for the prom counted.

We had a wonderful meal, though I only had a little. I had to try at least a few bites of everything, but my stomach wasn’t ready for more, yet. I knew that I could always nuke some leftovers if I got hungry later. When we were done, Thranduil glanced at his watch and told us that he should be leaving. I saw his eyes rove over my body and Haldir must have noticed it too.

“Do not even think about it,” the Marchwarden told him, allowing no room for debate.

Thranduil smiled at me and kissed my hand, instead. “That will have to do for now, I guess.”

I was sorry to see him go, because it had been nice to sit around and talk with both of them. On the other hand, I wanted Haldir to myself again. I didn’t walk the king to the door this time, but he leaned over and kissed me deeply before he left, promising to see me again soon. I nodded.

“I almost hate to leave the two of you alone,” he told Haldir now. “It seems a bit dangerous.”

“No, it is not,” Haldir assured him. Their eyes locked for a moment, some sort of message passing between the two of them, but this time I was too weak and shaky to care. Dinner had worn me out. After Thranduil walked out the door, I reached over to pick up my paper plate, but Haldir beat me to it. I had never been waited on or cared for by anyone like I had been today and it was nice. Not that I was going to go out and drown myself again to see it repeated, but I was enjoying it while it lasted.

I forced myself onto my feet, wondering what to do for a moment, but Haldir made that decision for me. He scooped me into his arms and took me back to bed. Glancing at my t-shirt for a moment, he said, “I’d better leave that on you.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” I told him, meeting his eyes.

“But Sinda, I do not trust myself,” he said.

“You don’t need to,” I told him. “As long as you don’t mind me being passive tonight.”

He stared at me and I knew that he was debating. I made the decision simple and disrobed. I heard him let out a breath, but still he made no move to follow suit. I pulled off his shirt and ran my hand over his chest listening to his breath hitch. When I went to unfasten his leggings, he stayed my hand.

“No,” he said. “Not tonight. You must regain your strength first.”

I started to argue, but only half-heartedly. He was right. Sleep was what I needed now, or at least rest. He lay down beside me and we kissed, our limbs tangled together, but I found myself quickly drifting off to sleep.

I awoke alone in the suddenly too-big bed, but a quick glance around the cabin told me that Haldir had not gone far. I could see him outside though the window as he stood looking over the lake in the early morning light. I wondered what thoughts were going through his mind and he turned now to regard me through the window. This mind reading was a problem and I would have to work on shielding my thoughts better. Smiling at him I pictured a red rose, very plainly. I now added a pink rose, but kept it off to the side while I thought about it with equal intensity. Haldir disappeared from my sight and entered the door, moments later. Plucking a red rose from the vase, he brought it to me and ran it down my bare body.

“How do you feel this morning?” he asked, eyes caressing me.

“I feel as good as new,” I told him, knowing that I shouldn’t. My sister was a nurse and I’d heard horror stories from her of people who had survived drowning. Often, they died later anyway, after a grueling ordeal. I had wondered if this would be my fate, but apparently I had been spared.

“Thranduil and I were able to heal your body, though it was neither of us that gave you your life back,” he admitted. “We were both surprised by what happened.”

“Yet you were willing to do something…” I said, the memories teasing me again.

“It did not come to that, thankfully,” Haldir said, rather abruptly. “But let us not speak of the incident any further. I do not like to think about what may have happened to you.”

He obviously wanted to change the subject and did not want me remembering what had been said. I looked at the rose that he was still trailing up and down my body.

“Tell me what color of rose I was thinking about when you were outside,” I asked him now.

Smiling, he held up the red flower. I smiled back. It was working. I was learning to shield my thoughts from him.

He put the rose back in the vase and returned to the bed but this time I saw the look of desire on his face before he could hide it and the blood started pumping a little faster to my heart. After all, I had been out of commission for almost twenty-four hours now and my time with this elf was limited. In only a couple of days, I’d be back on the road towards Nevada with Glen and the kids. No, I wouldn’t think about that now. It would ruin my time with Haldir. I turned my attention towards him instead.

“Why don’t you get undressed while I go brush my teeth and use the facilities?” I asked him, playing with a strand of his pale blonde hair.

“Do you think it is wise? Are you feeling up to it?” he asked me, obviously concerned, though his hands were already slipping beneath my big t-shirt.

“Yes, I am,” I told him, slipping out of his grasp. I rushed through my morning ritual, just washing my face instead of showering, since I was sure there would be a shower in store for me later, and I would not be alone. Just the thought of it sent chills down my spine. When I returned to the bed, I was happy to see that Haldir had been a good little elf and rid himself of those bothersome clothes. I climbed under the sheet with him. When his hands began to move over me I reveled in his touch. He was warm and smooth and perfect. I lost myself in the feeling and when his mouth descended upon mine, I felt like I was dreaming. Nothing could feel this good in real life. I wanted this foreplay to last forever but at the same time I wanted more. I desired to feel him inside me, wanted him to take away the longing that was building. He had other plans. Taking his time, he turned me to jelly, making me feel almost as weak as I had been the previous day, though this time for more acceptable reasons. When he finally settled himself between my legs I let a small cry escape.

“Please, Haldir, I need you,” I told him, lightly raking my short nails down his back.

His eyes darkened and suddenly his patience seemed to be as badly lacking as mine. He slid into me and I cried out his name. Oh, to stay like this forever. He rocked into me as I ran my hands up and down his perfect body, as far as I could reach. Sometimes I wished I were taller so my arms would be longer, but I was happy with the parts I could get to. I wanted him to move faster and tried to get him to do it, but he wouldn’t. I think he was still worried about my little dying episode from the previous day. Whatever his reasoning was, desperate times call for desperate measures. I did what I had to do and went for the ears. It was only a matter of moments before we lay, spent, in each other’s arms.

“I’ll need to give two weeks notice at work, after I get back,” I told him, tracing a dark eyebrow with my finger.

“Two weeks…” he looked confused.

“Before I can quit my job,” I explained, nervous about what he would say. “I would love to move to Oregon if you still want me there.”

I saw relief flood his face before he attacked my mouth with his. I guess that meant that he still wanted me to move. I didn’t care if it was a foolish idea or not, anymore. It didn’t matter if he was real or not. I would move to Oregon and leave my life in Nevada behind.

~To be continued~