I'm Going Slightly Mad!
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Lord of the Rings Movies › General › Lord of the Ring Stars
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Category:
Lord of the Rings Movies › General › Lord of the Ring Stars
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
2,062
Reviews:
24
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is work of fiction! I do not know the celebrity(ies) I am writing about, and I do not profit from these writings.
Happy Herpes!
Title: I’m Going Slightly Mad! Part 6
Author: Lydia NightShade
Rating: Strong R I think.
Pairings: Vig/Orli-bear, Dom/Elijah implied
Warnings: total crackfic… RPS… my muses… swearing… crazy, possibly not too funny humor… it’s all in your tastes I suppose.
Summary: An evil marionette terrorizes our sexy boys… specifically Orli-bear! My muses come in because… they wanted to!
Beta: My cracked out ass!
Feedback: Aw come on… ya know ya wanna!
Author’s Notes: My tummy hurts *pouts*
Author’s Notes 2: Kally’s (pixiepegasus) muse Athena makes a special guest appearance. She’s a padawan and a mix between human and an alien race nknonknown origin. The Goblin King tried to make her one when she was little, but she escaped. She lives at Hogwarts now with Obi-wan.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like: it’s better than yours. Damn right it’s better than yours! I can teach you, but I’d have to charge!” Terra continued to sing as she bumped and grinded between Dom and Elijah. The trio all molested each other dancing seductively to the music that seemed to come from nowhere.
“What does it take to melt her horny ass? I’d love to chuck her in a bucket and then flush her down the toilet.” Nightshade hissed, taking another drag as she strolled alongside the mentally ill muse. Jade sighed and rolled her eyes, walking over to Johnny instead.
“You know, one of us could probably get you another outfit. We don’t seem to have full power, but it’s better than a tutu.” He shrugged and continued to smoke his bummed ciggie.
“Oh, whatever man, it’s cool. Haven’t you seen Ed Wood? I don’t care about wearing girlie stuff… plus I think I’ve got silk panties on.” He grinned sinfully and wiggled his butt in her direction, jiggling his eyebrows as he did. “Fancy a shag?” He said facetiously.
“How dare you! You’re practically married!” Sean A. shouted. “And you have babies!” He sniffled and tried to comfort the now seriously depressed Billy.
“It doesn’t matterrra’rra’s the only one of us with a sex drive anyway...” Jade drawled, sighing. “I’m far too depressed and G.o.D is asexual I think, and Nightshade… well… um… can you say, black widow?”
“I mate… then I Kill!” She hissed, pinching Johnny’s ass.
“Oh baby!” He laughed.
“We’re losing the god of fuck!” Ian boomed, turning around to yell at all of them. “I’m not losing a chance to score with Bowie!” oareoared, hurrying the group along. Yes, even the humping trio.
“I can’t walk, what’s the point of living! I have no potato crisps either! I’m short, balding, and I have hairy Scottish legs!” Billy sobbed, cuddling into Sean A’s manly chest of hobbit. “I need some lovin!”
They all looked to Terra, but she was still busy in her hottie sandwich. Nightshade walked up and patted him on the back.
“Hey don’t feel bad, I could fix you up in a nice hurt/comfort fic… of course either you or your partner would have to be brutally hurt and/or raped before hand.” She puffed on her ciggie and blew out the smoke. “So… how ‘bout it?” He just cried harder, blowing his nose on Sean A’s sleeve.
“/You/, don’t talk to him anymore!” Jade scolded, grabbing Johnny by the hand and running after Ian. “Hey! Wait up! I like Bowie too!” Johnny began to skip and sing merrily.
“Rub me up, down and all around, babies!” Terra shouted, fully enjoying the hot hobbits around her. “Don’t ya know that you’re toxic!” The dark muse glared at them before smirking evilly. She snapped hengerngers and out of nowhere a gigantic bolt of lighting came from the heavens and strucketh downth the mighty muse of horniness and gave her many a split end! A /true/ tragedy!
“AHHHHHHH!!!!” Terra screamed. Both Dom and Lij jumped back from the now singed aphrodisiac and grimaced.
“Muwahahahhahahahahaaaa!!” the dark muse cackled cockily, truly enjoying her coworker’s torment. “You look like a mosquito caught in a bug zapper!” She snickered, and then spoke in a zombie tone, sticking her hands out in front of her. “Head towards the light… uh oh… ZZZZZZZZZIIIGGGGZZZZAAAAAPPPPP!!!” She clutched her stomach and continued to laugh uncontrollably at her fellow muses’ despair.
Terra looked at her calmly at first, then snapped and ran towards the monsterish woman at lighting fast furry! A small, less intimidating smoke trail trailing behind her…. (that was a sentence fragment! Hahahaha! Damn the grammarck!)ck!) “DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” She attempted to tackle her archenemy, but Nightshade simply spread her wings and toof. “f. “Damn you!” Terra screeched, her hair looking like a blue Einstein and her short blue dress singed.
“Calm your selves!” Ian bellowed. “Or I shall bash you with my broomstick and turn you all into tap dancing jellyfish!” He shook his mighty stick at them for emphasis, completely ignoring the childish and easy innuendo of shaking his stick… hehehehehe!
“I know you’re all following me and I don’t care. You may admire my mighty ass from afar as I swivel my sexy hips.” The Goblin King called from his place a few steps ahead of them all. Ian blushed, but did just that. Admired the mighty ass of David Bowie in spandex.
“And you /are/ a mighty ass!” Nightshade shouted bitterly. The madness and hilarity of the crazy, cracked out fic making her uncomfortable and even more irritable than usual. Ian scowled at her, but feared to try and challenge her.
“So, what’s the point of all this?” Johnny asked, walking next to Jade. She shrugged and rolled her eyes.
“We’ve been trying to figure that out for about, oh… six chapters now.”
“Any success?”
“Not one fucking bit!” the dark muse shouted angrily, shaking out yet another cigarette. “Fuck! I’m going to have to manifest some more of these pretty soon. I hate this fucking story! I want out. Muse Theater was degrading enounow now we’ve got this shit.”
“I’m having a great time!” Terra shouted, still singed but once again dancing with the overlooked hottie hobbits.
“Never thought I’d want to get it on with a blue-haired yellow-eyed muse with scars all over her body.” Dom panted, as he leaned past her to grab his lover. “But I still like Wood the best.”
“Oh, how lame!” the blue-eyed beauty said, as he pulled Dom in for a kiss. “Although I must agree it is thrilling.”
“And nauseating!” Nightshade said with fake enthusiasm. “God, can’t we get her spayed?” she gripped, proving that she was indeed filled with piss and vinegar.
“All those poor puppies and kitties that have to be killed because no one wants them because people won’t get their animals neutered! It’s so bloody sad!” Billy sobbed, now being carried over Sean A’s mighty shoulder…. Much like the movie! Oh my god! Like totally! “It’s a travesty!”
The rest of the fellowship stared at him oddly and then glared at Jade. She blanched and hit behind the tutu clad sex god and meeped.
“I drink puppy blood!” Nightshade said vindictively, her need to exhaust her power overwhelming.
“Oh god!” Billy wailed, blowing his nose in Sean A’s now snot soaked shirt.
“Stop acting like a smoker without a patch and calm down, you nicotine nasty wench!” Ian shouted from his position, almost directly on Bowie’s ass. He did so enjoy the view… butt who wouldn’t! Haha! Butt, butt, butt, butt!
“Dude, this narrator is seriously fucked up,” Johnny laughed, doing a pleat for no reason. “Ah, gods bless the French!” He sighed as he did a grand pleat and several of those impressive twisty things that are impossible to spell. He shimmied across the floor on his tippie-toes with the greatest of ease, showing off his sleek, yet sexy, forty something body that could still pass for a man in his late twenties if he really wanted to… oh yeah… arrrthhhh!
“Oh man… this is going nowhere, switch to Viggo and the others.” Jade said, defeated and shaking her head. Johnny leapt past her and bounded after the two older British men, who in any other story would be treated with respect and dignity…. But not here! Muwahahahahaha!
“That’s it! There will be no more caffeinated beverages ever again!” She shouted at the sky, shaking her fist with all fury.
~Meanwhile~
“Come on, get naked!” The muses shouted, starting to tug on Will’s obsessively exaggerated v-neck shirt. They managed to reveal a dusky nipple and soon went into a craze. They were soon pushed away though by the brutishly strong Viggo Mortensen! The sexiest man with a chin ass ever!
“It’s a cleft! Not an ass!” He barked at the announcer and controller of this mad, mad world. “I really want to know who the fuck is doing this because I’m going to sock ‘em one!”
“Before you wanted to praise them for two Orlando’s and now you wish estrestroy them… how odd you mortals be.” Aurora said, she shrugged and then looked at Will again. Orlando was coddling him, but the young man was also undressing his doppelganger at the same time.
“I’ll make it all better…” he purred, nuzzling the prudish, high moraled blacksmith. “You smell wonderful… just like me.” He kissed Will’s cheek and when he wasn’t slapped he placed another on the soft skin, only lower. He slowly worked his way to the pouty lips he’d perfected him self and covered them in his own. Soon they were making out like a drunken chick with an ugly guy in the dark!
The two muses and one sexy king ass face, sat back and enjoyed the once in a lifetime show. How many times could the same hot boy make out with himself after all? The thought alone made Viggo blow in his shorts… er… jeans… yeah… he’s wearing jeans. Suddenly! A sickeningly sweet, yet terribly ditzy voice broke the silence.
“Um, hi! I don’t know what I’m doing , I’, I’m Kate Bos-…” Before she even finished her sentence Aurora pointed her finger at her and she exploded into a puff of body glitter, bleach and lip-gloss. She was accompanied by an even thinner, more attractive blonde girl, but unlike the first her head was proportionate to her body, and she had brown eyes… both were brown… not multi-colored like a dog.
“Good bye.” Aurora said plainly. She then turned to Keira Knightly and smiled. The young British actress squeaked and ducked.
“Don’t explode me! I didn’t mean to end up here! I didn’t even like her!” Aurora laughed and invited the girl over for the show.
“Who was that?” Orli asked, confused at the girl’s sudden explosion.
“Don’t worry about it,” Athena drawled, “just keep kissing.”
“No great loss to society,” Viggo scoffed, watching his lovers slowly begin to get heavier in their action. “Why’d you explode her? I mean that was fast!”
“All of us muses have a built in trigger and anything that threatens slash gets destroyed. Only Jade tolerates HET and it’s very little, and involves the pretty one.” Keira looked surprised but relieved. “But oth other,” she glared at the steaming pile, “ruins the slash potential and is therefore destroyed much like white blood cells fight off infection.”
“Well, glad I make the cut. Must be my smashing cleavage in the movie and my gorgeous lips… and watching those two making out is quite nice.” She smiled and sat down next to the two muses and leaned against Viggo in a friendly way. “Oh aren’t you a buff bloke, quite nice!” He laughed and patted her on the head.
“You’reng eng enough to be my daughter… and lack a penis.” A loud moan drew them from their conversation as they saw Will lying on the ground and Orlando sucking him off with the best of expertise.
“This is great, Vig! I’ve never been so slamming in the sack, I know all his hot spots ‘cause they’re the same as mine, man!” He giggled maniacally, smiling like a jackass before going back to his blowjob. Will was moaning like an experienced whore, causing the others to wonder exactly what /else/ he and Jack did in the showers.
“I’ll never need another impure thought again after this.” Keira said as Viggo got up and started to prepare Orli to take in his full length. “Woo-hoo! Threesome of hot boys!” The ingénue cheered, throwing her hands in the air and dancing in her seat.
“Ah, the joys of mortal youth.” Aurora lamented, wishing she still had a sex drive.
“Sweet merciful crap!” Viggo moaned loudly as he sheathed his sword of manhood into Orlando’s hole of elfhood. Or… inserted his tab A into Orli’s slot B. They all moved together, putting on a brilliant show for those that cared to watch… and all three did. Even some of the oddities of the weird ass world stopped to drool and they had no particular sexuality to speak of.
Suddenly! The familiar sounds of wood clinking against stone could be heard and the evil marionette came into the story once again! ‘Bout damn time, eh?
“I finally found you all!” He huffed, still feeling slightly woozy from his running and hiding and chipping… not to mention the bugs. “I’ll steal your soul! I’ll… um… eh… wow!” He looked at the three hot men fucking with wild abandon and seemed to forget what he was threatening to do. “Well… maybe in a minute.” He said in an empty voice as he walked over to the log that appeared out of nowhere for the three females to sit on and plunked down next to Keira.
“Quite the show, eh mate?” She said, elbo him him playfully. He nodded, and continued to watch them. They looked like four little rascals sitting on a log, heads bobbing with the motion of the ocean of Viggo’s thrusts. Athena manifested some popcorn and shared it with Keira and the puppet.
“Sweet Elebreth!” Orlando moaned, as he came inside of Will. The young blacksmith moaned and came also, followed by Viggo. He collapsed on top of them and smiled up at their audience. Athena and Keira waved, offering him some popcorn.
“Why thank you!” he said cheerily, yet satisfied. “This has been the best time I’ve had when I didn’t know what the fuck was going on…. And I lived through the seventies!”
“Wasn’t studio 54 great?!” The puppet shouted excitedly. “Oh man, I got so many souls there… hehehehe! I remember this one time… with Eric Estratta…” He shook his head and pounded on his knee as he laughed and his wooden cheeks turned cheery oak… Well he can’t /blush/! “You can’t make this shit up!” He laughed harder until he realized that all of them were staring at him rather angrily. Well, not Keira because she really didn’t know what was going on having missed the first five chapters.
“What?” he said angrily. Orlando tapped his foot and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at the puppet expectantly. “Oh right! I’m the bad guy.” He cleared his throat and then stood to his full height. All three feet of it. “I’ll kill you all! Give me the hot boy’s soul or I’ll beat the snot out of all of you! Do you hear me?!” He cackled maniacally, throwing his hands in the air.
“SPLINTERS FOR ALL!!!!” He flew at Orlando once again, but Orlando was smarter than the average Orli-bear and dogged the possessed Pinocchio.
“And we’re running again.” Viggo drawled, pulling his pants up as they took off.
“What great exercise!” Keira said in her sweet bubbly voice. “I think I like it here… now if only I could do a little fighting I’d be even happier.”
“I run from no one.” Aurora said sternly, halting the others in their tracks with the wave of her hand. “Athena, you were brought here for two reasons. Give me the first.” She said holding out her hand expectantly. The short redhead looked at her perplexed for a moment before donking her self on the forehead.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe I forgot!” She shifted through her robes before she pulled out a giant jar of termites. “No wonder I felt so fat.” She said shaking her head and tossing the jar to Aurora.
“You’re retro career just melted.” The tragedy muse said throwing the jar so that it crashed at his feet. The puppet shrieked and tried to run away but the termites were on him like the army of the dead on an oliphant!
“Fuuuuuuck! But I’m in the summary! This is such a load of crap!” He hollered, scrapping at them. “Geeze these things are worse than crabs!” He growled, as he scratched his personal area.
“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” He hollered as he ran off in the opposite direction scratching his butt and ripping at his clothes.
“Hehehehehe! Happy Herpes!” Orli called after him as they watched him disappear into the dank dark of anther fold of the maze, I mean, labyrinth.
“You know… this story just gets dumber by the sentence.” Will moaned, fixing his hair and straightening his shirt. “Oh why bother!” he growled throwing it off and just walking around in his tight, tight, deliciously tight pants. Mama like!
“I’m tired of being the dorky stick-in-the-mud! I want to be the dashing hero! Who the fuck thought up that god awful hat in the last scenes anyway?! Do you know how many extra’s I blinded?! All for the sake of making me look like a 17th century drag queen!”
“Well it was /fabulous/!” Athena lisped, flopping her hand. He glared at her, but who really cares?
“Bite me.” He snapped.
“GLADLY!” Came the collective answer. Will rolled his eyes and stormed off.
“You’re all bloody daft! Worse than Sparrow!”
“Hey! I gave you head!” Orli-bear shouted angrily, as they followed his disgruntled double. “Ingrate!” He huffed and leaned into Viggo. “And I give great head, don’t I Viggy-wiggy?” Viggo smiled like a Cheshire cat and nodded happily.
“He’s just not comfortable with his role as a sex object.” He explained, kissing Orli-bear on the head.
“I’ve had better!” Will called.
“I’ll kill him!” Orlando roared trying to fly at him.
“Down Sheba!” Viggo yelled, holding the youthful Brit back.
“Five bucks says Orli kicks Will’s ass.” Athena offered. Keira tapped her cheek and thought for a moment.
“With or without a sword?”
“Without.”
“Hmmmm… okay!” They shook and watched as Orlando got away from Viggo and flew at the unsuspecting blacksmith.
Tbc….
[Bad Drama Music]
Who will win the bet? Can a puppet get herpes? How many more innocent actors will be humiliated by this work of crap?! What’s Athena’s second purpose? DOES Terra’s milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?! When will the madness end?! Why do I ask so many questions?!
Tune in next time for more of! …I’m Going Slightly Mad!
Author: Lydia NightShade
Rating: Strong R I think.
Pairings: Vig/Orli-bear, Dom/Elijah implied
Warnings: total crackfic… RPS… my muses… swearing… crazy, possibly not too funny humor… it’s all in your tastes I suppose.
Summary: An evil marionette terrorizes our sexy boys… specifically Orli-bear! My muses come in because… they wanted to!
Beta: My cracked out ass!
Feedback: Aw come on… ya know ya wanna!
Author’s Notes: My tummy hurts *pouts*
Author’s Notes 2: Kally’s (pixiepegasus) muse Athena makes a special guest appearance. She’s a padawan and a mix between human and an alien race nknonknown origin. The Goblin King tried to make her one when she was little, but she escaped. She lives at Hogwarts now with Obi-wan.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like: it’s better than yours. Damn right it’s better than yours! I can teach you, but I’d have to charge!” Terra continued to sing as she bumped and grinded between Dom and Elijah. The trio all molested each other dancing seductively to the music that seemed to come from nowhere.
“What does it take to melt her horny ass? I’d love to chuck her in a bucket and then flush her down the toilet.” Nightshade hissed, taking another drag as she strolled alongside the mentally ill muse. Jade sighed and rolled her eyes, walking over to Johnny instead.
“You know, one of us could probably get you another outfit. We don’t seem to have full power, but it’s better than a tutu.” He shrugged and continued to smoke his bummed ciggie.
“Oh, whatever man, it’s cool. Haven’t you seen Ed Wood? I don’t care about wearing girlie stuff… plus I think I’ve got silk panties on.” He grinned sinfully and wiggled his butt in her direction, jiggling his eyebrows as he did. “Fancy a shag?” He said facetiously.
“How dare you! You’re practically married!” Sean A. shouted. “And you have babies!” He sniffled and tried to comfort the now seriously depressed Billy.
“It doesn’t matterrra’rra’s the only one of us with a sex drive anyway...” Jade drawled, sighing. “I’m far too depressed and G.o.D is asexual I think, and Nightshade… well… um… can you say, black widow?”
“I mate… then I Kill!” She hissed, pinching Johnny’s ass.
“Oh baby!” He laughed.
“We’re losing the god of fuck!” Ian boomed, turning around to yell at all of them. “I’m not losing a chance to score with Bowie!” oareoared, hurrying the group along. Yes, even the humping trio.
“I can’t walk, what’s the point of living! I have no potato crisps either! I’m short, balding, and I have hairy Scottish legs!” Billy sobbed, cuddling into Sean A’s manly chest of hobbit. “I need some lovin!”
They all looked to Terra, but she was still busy in her hottie sandwich. Nightshade walked up and patted him on the back.
“Hey don’t feel bad, I could fix you up in a nice hurt/comfort fic… of course either you or your partner would have to be brutally hurt and/or raped before hand.” She puffed on her ciggie and blew out the smoke. “So… how ‘bout it?” He just cried harder, blowing his nose on Sean A’s sleeve.
“/You/, don’t talk to him anymore!” Jade scolded, grabbing Johnny by the hand and running after Ian. “Hey! Wait up! I like Bowie too!” Johnny began to skip and sing merrily.
“Rub me up, down and all around, babies!” Terra shouted, fully enjoying the hot hobbits around her. “Don’t ya know that you’re toxic!” The dark muse glared at them before smirking evilly. She snapped hengerngers and out of nowhere a gigantic bolt of lighting came from the heavens and strucketh downth the mighty muse of horniness and gave her many a split end! A /true/ tragedy!
“AHHHHHHH!!!!” Terra screamed. Both Dom and Lij jumped back from the now singed aphrodisiac and grimaced.
“Muwahahahhahahahahaaaa!!” the dark muse cackled cockily, truly enjoying her coworker’s torment. “You look like a mosquito caught in a bug zapper!” She snickered, and then spoke in a zombie tone, sticking her hands out in front of her. “Head towards the light… uh oh… ZZZZZZZZZIIIGGGGZZZZAAAAAPPPPP!!!” She clutched her stomach and continued to laugh uncontrollably at her fellow muses’ despair.
Terra looked at her calmly at first, then snapped and ran towards the monsterish woman at lighting fast furry! A small, less intimidating smoke trail trailing behind her…. (that was a sentence fragment! Hahahaha! Damn the grammarck!)ck!) “DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” She attempted to tackle her archenemy, but Nightshade simply spread her wings and toof. “f. “Damn you!” Terra screeched, her hair looking like a blue Einstein and her short blue dress singed.
“Calm your selves!” Ian bellowed. “Or I shall bash you with my broomstick and turn you all into tap dancing jellyfish!” He shook his mighty stick at them for emphasis, completely ignoring the childish and easy innuendo of shaking his stick… hehehehehe!
“I know you’re all following me and I don’t care. You may admire my mighty ass from afar as I swivel my sexy hips.” The Goblin King called from his place a few steps ahead of them all. Ian blushed, but did just that. Admired the mighty ass of David Bowie in spandex.
“And you /are/ a mighty ass!” Nightshade shouted bitterly. The madness and hilarity of the crazy, cracked out fic making her uncomfortable and even more irritable than usual. Ian scowled at her, but feared to try and challenge her.
“So, what’s the point of all this?” Johnny asked, walking next to Jade. She shrugged and rolled her eyes.
“We’ve been trying to figure that out for about, oh… six chapters now.”
“Any success?”
“Not one fucking bit!” the dark muse shouted angrily, shaking out yet another cigarette. “Fuck! I’m going to have to manifest some more of these pretty soon. I hate this fucking story! I want out. Muse Theater was degrading enounow now we’ve got this shit.”
“I’m having a great time!” Terra shouted, still singed but once again dancing with the overlooked hottie hobbits.
“Never thought I’d want to get it on with a blue-haired yellow-eyed muse with scars all over her body.” Dom panted, as he leaned past her to grab his lover. “But I still like Wood the best.”
“Oh, how lame!” the blue-eyed beauty said, as he pulled Dom in for a kiss. “Although I must agree it is thrilling.”
“And nauseating!” Nightshade said with fake enthusiasm. “God, can’t we get her spayed?” she gripped, proving that she was indeed filled with piss and vinegar.
“All those poor puppies and kitties that have to be killed because no one wants them because people won’t get their animals neutered! It’s so bloody sad!” Billy sobbed, now being carried over Sean A’s mighty shoulder…. Much like the movie! Oh my god! Like totally! “It’s a travesty!”
The rest of the fellowship stared at him oddly and then glared at Jade. She blanched and hit behind the tutu clad sex god and meeped.
“I drink puppy blood!” Nightshade said vindictively, her need to exhaust her power overwhelming.
“Oh god!” Billy wailed, blowing his nose in Sean A’s now snot soaked shirt.
“Stop acting like a smoker without a patch and calm down, you nicotine nasty wench!” Ian shouted from his position, almost directly on Bowie’s ass. He did so enjoy the view… butt who wouldn’t! Haha! Butt, butt, butt, butt!
“Dude, this narrator is seriously fucked up,” Johnny laughed, doing a pleat for no reason. “Ah, gods bless the French!” He sighed as he did a grand pleat and several of those impressive twisty things that are impossible to spell. He shimmied across the floor on his tippie-toes with the greatest of ease, showing off his sleek, yet sexy, forty something body that could still pass for a man in his late twenties if he really wanted to… oh yeah… arrrthhhh!
“Oh man… this is going nowhere, switch to Viggo and the others.” Jade said, defeated and shaking her head. Johnny leapt past her and bounded after the two older British men, who in any other story would be treated with respect and dignity…. But not here! Muwahahahahaha!
“That’s it! There will be no more caffeinated beverages ever again!” She shouted at the sky, shaking her fist with all fury.
~Meanwhile~
“Come on, get naked!” The muses shouted, starting to tug on Will’s obsessively exaggerated v-neck shirt. They managed to reveal a dusky nipple and soon went into a craze. They were soon pushed away though by the brutishly strong Viggo Mortensen! The sexiest man with a chin ass ever!
“It’s a cleft! Not an ass!” He barked at the announcer and controller of this mad, mad world. “I really want to know who the fuck is doing this because I’m going to sock ‘em one!”
“Before you wanted to praise them for two Orlando’s and now you wish estrestroy them… how odd you mortals be.” Aurora said, she shrugged and then looked at Will again. Orlando was coddling him, but the young man was also undressing his doppelganger at the same time.
“I’ll make it all better…” he purred, nuzzling the prudish, high moraled blacksmith. “You smell wonderful… just like me.” He kissed Will’s cheek and when he wasn’t slapped he placed another on the soft skin, only lower. He slowly worked his way to the pouty lips he’d perfected him self and covered them in his own. Soon they were making out like a drunken chick with an ugly guy in the dark!
The two muses and one sexy king ass face, sat back and enjoyed the once in a lifetime show. How many times could the same hot boy make out with himself after all? The thought alone made Viggo blow in his shorts… er… jeans… yeah… he’s wearing jeans. Suddenly! A sickeningly sweet, yet terribly ditzy voice broke the silence.
“Um, hi! I don’t know what I’m doing , I’, I’m Kate Bos-…” Before she even finished her sentence Aurora pointed her finger at her and she exploded into a puff of body glitter, bleach and lip-gloss. She was accompanied by an even thinner, more attractive blonde girl, but unlike the first her head was proportionate to her body, and she had brown eyes… both were brown… not multi-colored like a dog.
“Good bye.” Aurora said plainly. She then turned to Keira Knightly and smiled. The young British actress squeaked and ducked.
“Don’t explode me! I didn’t mean to end up here! I didn’t even like her!” Aurora laughed and invited the girl over for the show.
“Who was that?” Orli asked, confused at the girl’s sudden explosion.
“Don’t worry about it,” Athena drawled, “just keep kissing.”
“No great loss to society,” Viggo scoffed, watching his lovers slowly begin to get heavier in their action. “Why’d you explode her? I mean that was fast!”
“All of us muses have a built in trigger and anything that threatens slash gets destroyed. Only Jade tolerates HET and it’s very little, and involves the pretty one.” Keira looked surprised but relieved. “But oth other,” she glared at the steaming pile, “ruins the slash potential and is therefore destroyed much like white blood cells fight off infection.”
“Well, glad I make the cut. Must be my smashing cleavage in the movie and my gorgeous lips… and watching those two making out is quite nice.” She smiled and sat down next to the two muses and leaned against Viggo in a friendly way. “Oh aren’t you a buff bloke, quite nice!” He laughed and patted her on the head.
“You’reng eng enough to be my daughter… and lack a penis.” A loud moan drew them from their conversation as they saw Will lying on the ground and Orlando sucking him off with the best of expertise.
“This is great, Vig! I’ve never been so slamming in the sack, I know all his hot spots ‘cause they’re the same as mine, man!” He giggled maniacally, smiling like a jackass before going back to his blowjob. Will was moaning like an experienced whore, causing the others to wonder exactly what /else/ he and Jack did in the showers.
“I’ll never need another impure thought again after this.” Keira said as Viggo got up and started to prepare Orli to take in his full length. “Woo-hoo! Threesome of hot boys!” The ingénue cheered, throwing her hands in the air and dancing in her seat.
“Ah, the joys of mortal youth.” Aurora lamented, wishing she still had a sex drive.
“Sweet merciful crap!” Viggo moaned loudly as he sheathed his sword of manhood into Orlando’s hole of elfhood. Or… inserted his tab A into Orli’s slot B. They all moved together, putting on a brilliant show for those that cared to watch… and all three did. Even some of the oddities of the weird ass world stopped to drool and they had no particular sexuality to speak of.
Suddenly! The familiar sounds of wood clinking against stone could be heard and the evil marionette came into the story once again! ‘Bout damn time, eh?
“I finally found you all!” He huffed, still feeling slightly woozy from his running and hiding and chipping… not to mention the bugs. “I’ll steal your soul! I’ll… um… eh… wow!” He looked at the three hot men fucking with wild abandon and seemed to forget what he was threatening to do. “Well… maybe in a minute.” He said in an empty voice as he walked over to the log that appeared out of nowhere for the three females to sit on and plunked down next to Keira.
“Quite the show, eh mate?” She said, elbo him him playfully. He nodded, and continued to watch them. They looked like four little rascals sitting on a log, heads bobbing with the motion of the ocean of Viggo’s thrusts. Athena manifested some popcorn and shared it with Keira and the puppet.
“Sweet Elebreth!” Orlando moaned, as he came inside of Will. The young blacksmith moaned and came also, followed by Viggo. He collapsed on top of them and smiled up at their audience. Athena and Keira waved, offering him some popcorn.
“Why thank you!” he said cheerily, yet satisfied. “This has been the best time I’ve had when I didn’t know what the fuck was going on…. And I lived through the seventies!”
“Wasn’t studio 54 great?!” The puppet shouted excitedly. “Oh man, I got so many souls there… hehehehe! I remember this one time… with Eric Estratta…” He shook his head and pounded on his knee as he laughed and his wooden cheeks turned cheery oak… Well he can’t /blush/! “You can’t make this shit up!” He laughed harder until he realized that all of them were staring at him rather angrily. Well, not Keira because she really didn’t know what was going on having missed the first five chapters.
“What?” he said angrily. Orlando tapped his foot and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at the puppet expectantly. “Oh right! I’m the bad guy.” He cleared his throat and then stood to his full height. All three feet of it. “I’ll kill you all! Give me the hot boy’s soul or I’ll beat the snot out of all of you! Do you hear me?!” He cackled maniacally, throwing his hands in the air.
“SPLINTERS FOR ALL!!!!” He flew at Orlando once again, but Orlando was smarter than the average Orli-bear and dogged the possessed Pinocchio.
“And we’re running again.” Viggo drawled, pulling his pants up as they took off.
“What great exercise!” Keira said in her sweet bubbly voice. “I think I like it here… now if only I could do a little fighting I’d be even happier.”
“I run from no one.” Aurora said sternly, halting the others in their tracks with the wave of her hand. “Athena, you were brought here for two reasons. Give me the first.” She said holding out her hand expectantly. The short redhead looked at her perplexed for a moment before donking her self on the forehead.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe I forgot!” She shifted through her robes before she pulled out a giant jar of termites. “No wonder I felt so fat.” She said shaking her head and tossing the jar to Aurora.
“You’re retro career just melted.” The tragedy muse said throwing the jar so that it crashed at his feet. The puppet shrieked and tried to run away but the termites were on him like the army of the dead on an oliphant!
“Fuuuuuuck! But I’m in the summary! This is such a load of crap!” He hollered, scrapping at them. “Geeze these things are worse than crabs!” He growled, as he scratched his personal area.
“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” He hollered as he ran off in the opposite direction scratching his butt and ripping at his clothes.
“Hehehehehe! Happy Herpes!” Orli called after him as they watched him disappear into the dank dark of anther fold of the maze, I mean, labyrinth.
“You know… this story just gets dumber by the sentence.” Will moaned, fixing his hair and straightening his shirt. “Oh why bother!” he growled throwing it off and just walking around in his tight, tight, deliciously tight pants. Mama like!
“I’m tired of being the dorky stick-in-the-mud! I want to be the dashing hero! Who the fuck thought up that god awful hat in the last scenes anyway?! Do you know how many extra’s I blinded?! All for the sake of making me look like a 17th century drag queen!”
“Well it was /fabulous/!” Athena lisped, flopping her hand. He glared at her, but who really cares?
“Bite me.” He snapped.
“GLADLY!” Came the collective answer. Will rolled his eyes and stormed off.
“You’re all bloody daft! Worse than Sparrow!”
“Hey! I gave you head!” Orli-bear shouted angrily, as they followed his disgruntled double. “Ingrate!” He huffed and leaned into Viggo. “And I give great head, don’t I Viggy-wiggy?” Viggo smiled like a Cheshire cat and nodded happily.
“He’s just not comfortable with his role as a sex object.” He explained, kissing Orli-bear on the head.
“I’ve had better!” Will called.
“I’ll kill him!” Orlando roared trying to fly at him.
“Down Sheba!” Viggo yelled, holding the youthful Brit back.
“Five bucks says Orli kicks Will’s ass.” Athena offered. Keira tapped her cheek and thought for a moment.
“With or without a sword?”
“Without.”
“Hmmmm… okay!” They shook and watched as Orlando got away from Viggo and flew at the unsuspecting blacksmith.
Tbc….
[Bad Drama Music]
Who will win the bet? Can a puppet get herpes? How many more innocent actors will be humiliated by this work of crap?! What’s Athena’s second purpose? DOES Terra’s milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?! When will the madness end?! Why do I ask so many questions?!
Tune in next time for more of! …I’m Going Slightly Mad!