The Probability Factor

Chapter Three-Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Work passed slowly. Slower than humanly possible. No matter how busy I got, the minutes moved with the speed of rather coagulated molasses. I was worried about my houseguest being alone in my home. Or to be more specific, worried about what state my home could be in upon my return. If this guy hadn’t seen running water before, could I trust him to actually find the refrigerator? Would he empty my freezer and allow everything to thaw? I had fresh strawberries that my sister-in-law and I had picked out in Langley at the end of June. Plus, I managed to get a hold of some beautiful boysenberries that had just come into season about a week ago. My brother had just come back from his annual trip to the Okanagan and had dropped off a crate of peaches and two lovely boxes of boysenberries and cherries. He was thoughtful enough to include some Rainier cherries, which he knew were my favourite. I hoped Haldur hadn’t gone searching for food and thawed my lovely berries. I kept a few for eating as snacks in the fridge, but had frozen most for pies, muffins and preserves. I was just running out of my raspberry preserves and wanted to make more when I had a moment. An urgent prayer to god was given as I hoped I wouldn’t find a disaster when I arrived home.

The time to leave had finally arrived and I shot out of my office as though I were on fire. As I passed the SportMart on Thurlow, I remembered the issue with Haldur’s t-shirt. I didn’t want to delay getting home, but I couldn’t very well let him out of the house with a t-shirt that screamed gay-dancer boy. I dashed in and grabbed a Billabong short sleeved‘t’ in a ‘large’. It looked big enough, so I took it to the cashier, grabbing a pair of flip-flops on the way. I took a chance and grabbed a ‘large’ there too. From what I had seen earlier that day, I thought it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to get a ‘large’ for his feet. See if the myth panned out. I paid for the items and then took off out of the store, making as quickly as I could for home. Visions of disaster flooded my mind as I walked quickly down Robson. A #5 Robson bus came trundling down the road, and I jumped on it to speed up my commute home. The bus shaved fifteen minutes off my usual walking time home, and I hoped it wasn’t in vain.

I got off the bus at Comox and ran to my building, just about crashing into someone as I ran. I stopped to apologize, and realized I had bashed into my friend Alistair. He stood before me, shock of orange hair all askew, pale blue eyes and skin the colour of copy paper, if you also included a generous smattering of orange freckles. His long fingers clasped my arm as he smiled at me.

“Susan, it’s so good to run in to you here. I was hoping to see you today,” he rattled off eagerly. He pranced beside me like some roly-poly puppy.

“Uh-huh Alistair. What’s up?” I carelessly asked.

Alistair bounded around me, “I’ve met someone glorious,” he gleefully announced, “Someone so divine, I may have to give up my carefree existence.” Alistair did a little dance on the sidewalk to prove his point.

“All right, I’ll bite. Who’s so divine that you’d cease being a boy on the prowl?” I continued walking to my apartment.

Alistair jumped into the elevator to go up with me to my place, and I suddenly got nervous. I didn’t really want Alistair to see my guest. Not that I didn’t trust Alistair, he was entirely trustworthy. I just hadn’t been able to acclimatize Haldur to anything yet, and I still needed to figure out his situation. Alistair is a bit of a force of nature, and I wasn’t sure if Haldur could withstand such an onslaught.

Alistair kept chatting merrily all the way to my door. “Well, his name is Steven, and he’s built like a Greek god. Totally delicious. My blond god. Can you imagine?” he chattered on.

“Uh, yeah. Greek god. Sounds fabulous,” I was a bit distracted when I opened the door. I peeked inside.

“Why are you standing there? Get in!” Alistair pushed past me, “I need a drink. Oh wait a minute, you don’t drink. Blast it all to hell! You don’t drink, you don’t have mindless sex with strangers, what do you do?” He stopped dead in his tracks, exhaling suddenly. “WHO is this?” he exclaimed.

I moved into my apartment with trepidation and shut the door behind me. Alistair was standing in the middle of my living room staring at a very tall, very angry Haldur.

I held up my hands in surrender, “Haldur, he’s okay. This is Alistair. Alistair. My friend,” I grabbed Alistair by the hand and shook it. “Friend,” I emphasized.

Haldur looked from me to Alistair and back again. I smiled and nodded, “Yes, friend.”

Alistair took all of this in with an inquisitive look, “Oookay. Who’s this Susie Q?” He slipped his arm through mine.

“Uh, Alistair, this is Haldur. Haldur, this is Alistair. Haldur is visiting me from…” I had to think quickly, “Norway. He’s from the northern part of Norway.” I gave Haldur a meaningful look. He just stared at me.

Alistair gave me a hard look, “Uh-huh. Norway.” He eyeballed me carefully and then looked at Haldur, “Well, he looks Norwegian.” Alistair put his hand on his hip and tilted it to the side, “Does he speak English?”

“No,” I firmly replied, “He’s here to learn.”

“And where does he sleep?” Alistair continued unperturbed.

“Oh the couch,” I countered.

“Well, that’s not entirely comfortable is it? Wouldn’t he be more comfortable in a soft bed? Like yours?” The innuendo was not lost on me.

“He’s fine on the couch,” I said resolutely.

Alistair smirked, “Oh honey, you’ve got a tall cool drink of water like that sleeping on your couch, and you say he’s fine? What about you? Are you fine?”

I sighed, “He’s fine on the couch.”

Alistair shrugged casually, “Just sayin’.” He waved his hand towards the couch.

“I can see that. He’s fine on the couch,” I walked over to the coffee table and put the shopping bag down on it, and then wandered over to the hall entrance, dropping my bag on the floor.

Roxy bounded out of my room, eagerly running around my heels; making it known she wanted her walk. I looked at Haldur and waved for him to sit as I got Roxy’s leash off its hook. I gave Alistair a stern look.

“C’mon. Let’s take Roxy out for her afternoon constitutional,” I grabbed Alistair’s wrist after I clipped Roxy’s leash on her collar, and he made a consternated sound.

“No! I want to stay and get to know your guest,” he protested as I dragged him out the door, “What if he’s gay? Shouldn’t a boy get that information right off the bat? He could be my great love!”

I snorted, “And what about Steve? I thought he was the one who could make you change your slutty ways.” Roxy danced around Alistair’s heels as I dragged him onto the elevator.

“If that hunk of burnin’ love is gay, then who the fuck is Steve?” Alistair licked his lips in a lascivious manner and I swatted him.

“Ewww. What if he’s straight?” I asked with a serious face.

“Oh baby, don’t blow my dream just yet. He’s too yummy to be straight. Only boys can appreciate that kind of beauty. Just look at you. You’ve had him tucked away in your apartment for god knows how long, and you obviously haven’t shagged him yet! What is wrong with you?” Alistair shook my free arm.

“What makes you think I haven’t?” I asked innocently.

“Oh please, if you had slept with him, I seriously doubt you’d have gotten out of bed. You’d have fucked him senseless,” Alistair considered his answer for a moment, “Hold up. I’d still be in bed shagging him delicious. You’d be cleaning your apartment and wondering if your Depo held up.”

I choked back a laugh, “Shut up bitch. To be quite blunt, I am not of a mind to be sexually assaulting a guest. Especially one who doesn’t understand English. It is clearly unfair and doesn’t take the guest’s feelings into consideration.”

“Susie baby, I am most assuredly positive that he wouldn’t mind your soft attentions. That is if he doesn’t care for mine,” he giggled, “But you aren’t exactly the type to bed a guy, no matter how cute he is. It’s so sad.” He frowned and hugged me, “But I don’t love you any less.”

“Oh thanks Al,” I said drily, “You’re wrong about not sleeping with a cute guy. I’ve done it in the past. Plus I have just recently broken off a relationship and am not ready to explore another one.”

It was Alistair’s turn to snort, “That was over nine months ago. You are the only woman I know who spends a year in mourning before you’ll even consider going on a date again.”

“I like to observe proper tradition,” I defended. Who was I kidding? Alistair may have been the world’s biggest queen, but he also knew me inside and out. He knew I was avoiding dating, and he knew why.

When I was nineteen, I was serious about this guy named Rick. We’d been dating all through high school, and it was expected we’d get married after college. I thought we were happy. He paid me attention, and seemed to put me at the top of his list. At least that was the impression I had, until I came by his dorm room at SFU one afternoon unannounced. I opened the door to his bedroom, only to find him on top of a naked freshman, screwing her with apparent gusto. I guess I gasped pretty loud, as he jumped off of her, protesting his innocence. It was rather distracting, what with his penis bouncing around with every movement he made, so I beat a hasty retreat. I avoided his calls, threw out all the flowers he sent me, and basically told him to sod off when he managed to track me down after class at UBC. I suppose the commute between Burnaby Mountain and Point Grey was too much for him to handle, and he took up with a tartlet. It was a really messy break-up, fuelled by my rage at him screwing around on me so openly. Ever since then, I don’t do break-ups very well. It takes me quite a while to trust people with penises. I can laugh and joke around with Alistair because I know he’s not going to try and get access to my vagina; but he doesn’t like to see me mope. He’s tried many times to help me with my trust issue, but I guess I’m a tough nut to crack. My last two boyfriends prior to Greg were mutual break-ups, as we both decided things weren’t working and it was better to end it. Greg blew that out of the water, with his cheating, and I didn’t know if I’d get out of this mope in less than a decade.

Alistair poked my side as we walked with Roxy, “Penny for your thoughts?”

I sighed, “Just thinking about stuff.”

“Greg stuff?” he gently asked.

“And other stuff, yeah,” I confirmed.

Alistair took my hand, “It’ll all get better. You’ll see.”

“You always say that, and then it doesn’t,” I said softly.

“That’s because you haven’t given things a chance to heal. You hide yourself away, and when you do get involved, you keep too much of yourself tucked away from view. Guys like to know they’re dating a human y’know,” he chided.

“Yeah, yeah,” I cleaned up Roxy’s leavings and tossed the bag into a refuse container, “Let’s get back to our houseguest. I’m sure he’s wondering what happened to me.”

Alistair just hugged my side and slipping his arm through mine, walked back to my place with a jaunty swing to his step.

Once we got back into my apartment, I poured Alistair a drink of Nestea and put Roxy’s stuff away. I noticed the apartment was clean, just as I had left it in the morning. Checking the fridge, I saw that Haldur had eaten most of my berries and had consumed a couple of peaches from the bowl on the counter. I still had to go grocery shopping, but I also felt that Haldur could’ve gone a bit stir crazy inside my place all day, so I decided to take him with me. I’d just make a quick stop at the Safeway, make sure I got him a toothbrush and maybe pick up a roast chicken, as it was too hot to cook. Even with my window air-conditioner, I didn’t want to overtax things by heating up my place to abnormal levels. It wasn’t built to cool an oven. Which is how my place would feel after I had roasted a chicken myself. I walked over to Haldur and motioned him over to my shopping bag. Pulling out the new t-shirt, I held it up to him. It looked like it fit okay, so I motioned for him to put it on.

The minute he took off his shirt, I heard a gasp from Alistair.

“Oh my god! If you don’t sleep with him I will!” he exclaimed.

“Al, not helping,” I stated bluntly.

“Am I staying for dinner?” he mischievously asked.

“No. Go home,” I ordered, “To Steve. I’m sure he’ll be missing you.”

Alistair laughed and put his glass in my sink, “All right, but tomorrow I want details!” He gathered his things and sashayed out the door.

Haldur walked over to me, wearing his new shirt. I felt relief that it fit properly and that I could take him outside without getting stares or catcalls. I smiled as I looked him over. He looked just like anybody else. Of course there was the matter of his hair. He had long blond hair that made him look like he was a stripper for Chippendales. Not that the majority of the population in the West End would mind. In fact, they’d relish the tall blond wandering through their neighbourhood. I was the one who minded. I’m very low key, and having attention like that made me very uncomfortable. It meant I’d be working overtime to make sure Haldur wasn’t being taken advantage of, or getting unwanted advances. But then I didn’t know if Haldur was the type to not want that kind of stuff. I really had to get to know him better.

I handed Haldur the flip flops, “Put these on. We’ve got to go out and get some groceries for dinner.”

Haldur looked at the flip flops like they were alien creatures. He had not put his boots back on, which were in severe need of a good cleaning; and his large bare feet peeked out from under the bottoms of his sweats. I bent down, grabbing on of the thongs, and I lifted his foot. Sliding it on, I put his foot back down on the ground. The shoe just fit. I had guessed correctly, and had provided proof for the old adage. Haldur flexed his toes and smiled. Taking the second thong, he slid it onto his other bare foot. He rose up onto his toes and then took a few test steps. Looking over at me, he nodded and smiled.

“Okay, good. Then let’s go,” I grabbed his wrist and called for Roxy, who had gone back into my bedroom. She came bounding out of my room and ran around both my and Haldur’s feet. I clipped her leash on, grabbed my coin purse, keys, and ATM card; and then taking Haldur’s hand, led him out the door.

The elevator ride proved interesting once again. I kept stroking Haldur’s arm and making soothing noises, but to no avail. He once again jumped off the thing like it was the devil incarnate. I suppressed a laugh and taking his hand again, I led him and Roxy over to the Safeway on Davie. Haldur seemed bewildered when we hit the traffic on Denman, and even more taken aback when we went into the busy grocery store. I held onto him tightly, to prevent him from bolting, and began to regret taking him out of the apartment. Perhaps he was agoraphobic, or maybe he became overwhelmed in crowds. Which again begged the question, what on earth was he doing here?

I quickly purchased the toothbrush and chicken, as well as getting another head of lettuce to make a salad with. I didn’t have to drag Haldur home, he just about ran the whole way back. Roxy and I had a bit of a time of it keeping up. Once we got back onto the calm tree lined street where my building was, he calmed down. He seemed to revel in the trees, stopping to touch each one and smile. I desperately needed to get him figured out before something happened that I couldn’t fix.