Legolas Finds Love. And Loses a Mitten.
folder
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
8
Views:
2,978
Reviews:
23
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
8
Views:
2,978
Reviews:
23
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Two
Aragorn and Legolas make their way back into the theatre. Aragorn is visibly angry and Legolas just has a stupid grin on his face.
Aragorn: But why, Legolas?
Legolas: I told you, you've got two healthy hands. Use them. But we'll talk about that later. There's more of this mind-bendingly awful story to read.
//
"Layoin's Secret" 2
//
Legolas: Oh, I *wonder* what it is.
//
When Legolas awoke the next morning he felt like everything that happened the night before was all a dream but he knew it wasn't. He sighed and then got up. Legolas got dressed and then went to find Layoin. He started to head to her room when he ran into Aragorn.
//
Aragorn: [grumbles] Watch where you're going, you stupid Elf.
Legolas: Look, if you're going to be a cuntbag all day, you can lea leave. I'll get someone else to help me.
Aragorn: [under his breath] I hear Craig Parker's a sucker for headjobs.
Legolas: That's it! Go home to your precious little Arwen. I'll ring Haldir. He owes me a favour.
Aragorn: I'll bet. [gets up and walks out]
*~*~* TWENTY MINUTES LATER *~*~*
Haldir: [using Strong Cockney British Accent â„¢] Awlright, Le'olas. "˜Ere aye emm.
Legolas: Good. Now we can proceed.
Haldir: Wot? No kisses?
//
"There you are Legolas" said Aragorn
"Hello and good morning to you" Legolas said
"Ware may I ask are you going? For we need to met Lord Elrond and Every one elcs now"
"Oh yes I forgot" he said now looking towards Layoin' s room.
"Come then we must go" Aragorn said now leading him back ware he came from.
//
Haldir: Was any of that supposed to make sense? Cos it didn't.
Legolas: Uh, I really don't know. Evidently, I'm off to market with all my wares and there are elk in Rivendell.
Haldir: Hey. . . isn't Layoin a boys' name? [nod to reviewers on FF.net]
//
The two of them went to Lord Elrond chamber and sat among other elves and men of other lands. Eomer was there for he was now the king of Rohon. Legolas flashed him a smile but paid no attention to what was going on around him.
//
Legolas: Rohon. That's just a little south of Rohan.
Haldir: How the hell did Eomer get to be king?
Legolas: Bah. It's just Rohon. Let him have it. Nothing but rentboys and opium dens- I'll shut up now.
//
One by one they told Lord Elrond of what was going on in their land. Some people were having problems with Orc's and other weird things. Legolas did not lesion to what they were talking about. Aragorn looked at Legolas and wondered what was going on in the elf's head, but then brought his attention back to the mending. Finally it was Legolas' Turn..
//
Legolas: I'm *getting* a lesion reading this. Two, in fact, since I'm slitting my wrists now.
Haldir: Fear not, for you are at a mending, and can be healed.
Legolas: I bet Aragorn's darning his socks. He refuses to buy new ones, the cheap bastard.
//
"Legolas" said Lord Elrond
"Um.Yes" Legolas said now coming back to the conversation.
"How is Mirkwood and what news has your father brought to me"
Legolas told him nothing of importance for nothing strange was going on in Mirkwood. All was well. Finally the mending came to a close and Legolas and everyone elch was dismissed. He sprinted out of the room almost at once and went to look for Layoin. He went to her room and knocked on the door.
//
Haldir: Aragorn stopped darning his socks and all the elk went away.
//
"Come in" Layoin called from inside.
Legolas opened the door and walked in the room. He saw Layoin warring pence and knee-high boots. She also wore a shirt with long sleeves and her blond hair hung down behind her but a portion was up and out of her face. Legolas thought what she was warring was odd for she-elf's ware dresses not pence like him, but it looked nice on her also Legolas noticed that she was warring a necklace the had the Lorien leaf on it with matching earrings.
//
Legolas: [as Layoin] Ooh, looka here. Got me some warring pence. And warring necklace. Bought that wiff me warring pence, you know.
Haldir: Odd, that you're warring like that. With your wares.
Legolas: Special today: Three piece Lorien Leaf jewellery set, only 10 warring pence! While supplies last. . .
//
"Why are you not in a dress?" Legolas asked her not thinking about what he just said.
"You shill see, we are going out into the woods. Grab your bow and quiver and met me in the stables."
" As you wish milady." Legolas said bowing to her.
"You do not need to bow for it is I who should be bowing to you since you are a prince."
//
Legolas: Nah, you don't have to bow. Kneeling would be fine. And while you're down there. . .
Haldir: Shill. Sort of like pence, but without all the warring.
//
"I am only showing my respect to a lovely elf maiden." Layoin blushed.
"Ill see you soon" and with that she grabbed her Elvin cloak and ran out of her room.
//
Haldir: Pity there aren't any lovely Elf-maidens around for you to respect.
Legolas: No shit. All I get are ditzy Lorien blondes- oh.
Haldir: [laughs] Yeah. HEY!
//
Legolas went back to his room and grabbed his bow, quiver, and rare Elven white knives. He then ran as fast as he could to the stabiles, and their Layoin was seated upon an all white horse and next to her was another white horse for him.
//
Legolas: Because Elven knives are so rare. We never seem to have any.
Haldir: Whose Layoin was it?
Legolas: Theirs. Cos she sure as shit isn't mine.
//
"This is my horse Aramis, you may ride him." Layoin said leading the horse to him.
"And what do you call the one you're riding?" Legolas asked hoping onto Aramis.
//
Haldir: [points to crotch] This is Little Haldir. You may ride him. [giggles]
Legolas: Okay. Gimme me a minute and I'll hope on. [giggles]
Haldir: No, seriously.
Legolas: Ohhh.
Haldir: Yeah. Now, come here and let's get those leggings off of you.
Legolas: I lurve it when you get all March Warden on me!
*~*~* SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER *~*~*
Legolas: [babbles incoherently] Mmmph. . . stooohhhry. . . reveeew. . .
//
"Liena, she's my favorite horse" Layoin said and flashed Legolas a smile. Legolas heart skipped. For some reason he felt nervier around Layoin. He then noticed a quiver behind her back along with a Lorien bow, but he said nothing.
//
Haldir: Because it makes sense that all of her horses are in Rivendell when she's from Lothlórien.
Legolas: [still a bit pashed-out] Huh? What's the bow bit about? Is it revelent, er relevant?
Haldir: Bow, you idiot. You use it to shoot arrows.
Legolas: No shit. I mean, if she's from Lorien, why *wouldn't* she have a Lorien bow?
Haldir: Uh, she's a *girl*.
Legolas: Oh, right. Forgot.
//
"Come we shall ride into the woods and find a spot to practice and talk." Layoin said and then began to make he horse go.
//
Legolas: You can lead a horse to the loo, but you can't make him go.
//
Legolas did not say a word and just followed her for a wile till they got to an open space in the woods. Layoin hoped down off her horse and then whispered into its ear in elvish. "Rest now Liena and take Aramis with you. I shill call you when I need you back" The two horses wondered off and Layoin turned now towards Legolas and flashed him a smile. Legolas smiled back and he then saw her take out her bow and an arrow. Legolas still thought it was weird that a lady would have such a weapon so he decided to ask he why.
//
Legolas: She's gone and had a sex-change. May I recommend a lobotomy?
Haldir: She's already had one.
Legolas: I meant for me, so I can forget all this rubbish.
//
"Layoin may I ask you a question?"
"Yes you may"
"Why do you have a weapon that only the worrier elves in your land carry?"
//
Haldir: You know those worrier Elves. Too afraid to go about without their weapons.
Legolas: I'm worrying for my sanity. At least *you* don't have to be in the story with her.
Haldir: But she's giving us Galadhrim a bad name!
//
Layoin paused for a moment and thought if she should tell him the truth. But then she had no reason not to.
"Can you keep a secret?"
Legolas looked at her for a moment trying to think about what she was guan tell him. Then he answered.
"I can keep your secret and I swear that I shall not tell a sol."
Layoin sighed and sat down on the ground. Legolas sat next to her and she slowly looked up at him.
//
Legolas: Yes, I often wonder about the effects the sun has on guano.
Haldir: Huh?
Legolas: Never mind. I have no idea what I just said.
//
"I'm a worrier." Legolas looked at her in wonder. He did not know what she meant.
"Please explain this to me for I am not to sure what you mean by that"
//
Haldir: It means she should be medicated.
Legolas: Yeah. Too much worrying can give you an ulcer.
//
"We you see when I was a young she-elf my older brother though me how to use a bow since he was going to join the Lorien army and I thought what he was teaching me was fun. So when I was older he bought me my own bow and arrow set. I was so happy. Well I would practice all day long if I could get away from my dad. I wanted to be the best, and then when I was old enough I decided to join the Lorien army my self. But as all know you have to be male to join so I desisted myself as a male and joined the army. My brother doesn't know this and if my father knew he would be so disappointed in me."
//
Legolas: We I see she's a moron. Who, when she was young, was a she-elf because she desisted being male.
Haldir: Makes sense.
//
Legolas just looked at Layoin. He did not know what to say to her but he did not mind that she could fight. Infect it drew him closer to her.
//
Haldir: [mock gaping] You. . .you've got an *infection*?
Legolas: Oh, shut up, you.
//
"You must be one strong she-elf" Legolas said to her. She smiled and her eyes shined with joy.
"Then you do not care"
"No. Why should I care that you do something that you love"
//
Legolas: I think that if she says "she-elf" one more time, I'm going to put an arrow through her eye.
Haldir: Careful there, mate. She's a worrier, you know.
//
"Oh Legolas" Layoin said throwing her hands around him. "I'm glad That you understand" Then Legolas took her hands down and looked right into her eyes and spoke.
"I would love to see what you could do with a bow." She smiled at him and stood up.
"As you wish"
//
Haldir: Watch out! Flying hands!
Legolas: [aiming arrow] I'll show her what *I* can do with a bow!
Haldir: Wait, Legolas! There are still five more chapters!
Legolas: I know. Why do you think I want to kill her?
Aragorn: But why, Legolas?
Legolas: I told you, you've got two healthy hands. Use them. But we'll talk about that later. There's more of this mind-bendingly awful story to read.
//
"Layoin's Secret" 2
//
Legolas: Oh, I *wonder* what it is.
//
When Legolas awoke the next morning he felt like everything that happened the night before was all a dream but he knew it wasn't. He sighed and then got up. Legolas got dressed and then went to find Layoin. He started to head to her room when he ran into Aragorn.
//
Aragorn: [grumbles] Watch where you're going, you stupid Elf.
Legolas: Look, if you're going to be a cuntbag all day, you can lea leave. I'll get someone else to help me.
Aragorn: [under his breath] I hear Craig Parker's a sucker for headjobs.
Legolas: That's it! Go home to your precious little Arwen. I'll ring Haldir. He owes me a favour.
Aragorn: I'll bet. [gets up and walks out]
*~*~* TWENTY MINUTES LATER *~*~*
Haldir: [using Strong Cockney British Accent â„¢] Awlright, Le'olas. "˜Ere aye emm.
Legolas: Good. Now we can proceed.
Haldir: Wot? No kisses?
//
"There you are Legolas" said Aragorn
"Hello and good morning to you" Legolas said
"Ware may I ask are you going? For we need to met Lord Elrond and Every one elcs now"
"Oh yes I forgot" he said now looking towards Layoin' s room.
"Come then we must go" Aragorn said now leading him back ware he came from.
//
Haldir: Was any of that supposed to make sense? Cos it didn't.
Legolas: Uh, I really don't know. Evidently, I'm off to market with all my wares and there are elk in Rivendell.
Haldir: Hey. . . isn't Layoin a boys' name? [nod to reviewers on FF.net]
//
The two of them went to Lord Elrond chamber and sat among other elves and men of other lands. Eomer was there for he was now the king of Rohon. Legolas flashed him a smile but paid no attention to what was going on around him.
//
Legolas: Rohon. That's just a little south of Rohan.
Haldir: How the hell did Eomer get to be king?
Legolas: Bah. It's just Rohon. Let him have it. Nothing but rentboys and opium dens- I'll shut up now.
//
One by one they told Lord Elrond of what was going on in their land. Some people were having problems with Orc's and other weird things. Legolas did not lesion to what they were talking about. Aragorn looked at Legolas and wondered what was going on in the elf's head, but then brought his attention back to the mending. Finally it was Legolas' Turn..
//
Legolas: I'm *getting* a lesion reading this. Two, in fact, since I'm slitting my wrists now.
Haldir: Fear not, for you are at a mending, and can be healed.
Legolas: I bet Aragorn's darning his socks. He refuses to buy new ones, the cheap bastard.
//
"Legolas" said Lord Elrond
"Um.Yes" Legolas said now coming back to the conversation.
"How is Mirkwood and what news has your father brought to me"
Legolas told him nothing of importance for nothing strange was going on in Mirkwood. All was well. Finally the mending came to a close and Legolas and everyone elch was dismissed. He sprinted out of the room almost at once and went to look for Layoin. He went to her room and knocked on the door.
//
Haldir: Aragorn stopped darning his socks and all the elk went away.
//
"Come in" Layoin called from inside.
Legolas opened the door and walked in the room. He saw Layoin warring pence and knee-high boots. She also wore a shirt with long sleeves and her blond hair hung down behind her but a portion was up and out of her face. Legolas thought what she was warring was odd for she-elf's ware dresses not pence like him, but it looked nice on her also Legolas noticed that she was warring a necklace the had the Lorien leaf on it with matching earrings.
//
Legolas: [as Layoin] Ooh, looka here. Got me some warring pence. And warring necklace. Bought that wiff me warring pence, you know.
Haldir: Odd, that you're warring like that. With your wares.
Legolas: Special today: Three piece Lorien Leaf jewellery set, only 10 warring pence! While supplies last. . .
//
"Why are you not in a dress?" Legolas asked her not thinking about what he just said.
"You shill see, we are going out into the woods. Grab your bow and quiver and met me in the stables."
" As you wish milady." Legolas said bowing to her.
"You do not need to bow for it is I who should be bowing to you since you are a prince."
//
Legolas: Nah, you don't have to bow. Kneeling would be fine. And while you're down there. . .
Haldir: Shill. Sort of like pence, but without all the warring.
//
"I am only showing my respect to a lovely elf maiden." Layoin blushed.
"Ill see you soon" and with that she grabbed her Elvin cloak and ran out of her room.
//
Haldir: Pity there aren't any lovely Elf-maidens around for you to respect.
Legolas: No shit. All I get are ditzy Lorien blondes- oh.
Haldir: [laughs] Yeah. HEY!
//
Legolas went back to his room and grabbed his bow, quiver, and rare Elven white knives. He then ran as fast as he could to the stabiles, and their Layoin was seated upon an all white horse and next to her was another white horse for him.
//
Legolas: Because Elven knives are so rare. We never seem to have any.
Haldir: Whose Layoin was it?
Legolas: Theirs. Cos she sure as shit isn't mine.
//
"This is my horse Aramis, you may ride him." Layoin said leading the horse to him.
"And what do you call the one you're riding?" Legolas asked hoping onto Aramis.
//
Haldir: [points to crotch] This is Little Haldir. You may ride him. [giggles]
Legolas: Okay. Gimme me a minute and I'll hope on. [giggles]
Haldir: No, seriously.
Legolas: Ohhh.
Haldir: Yeah. Now, come here and let's get those leggings off of you.
Legolas: I lurve it when you get all March Warden on me!
*~*~* SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER *~*~*
Legolas: [babbles incoherently] Mmmph. . . stooohhhry. . . reveeew. . .
//
"Liena, she's my favorite horse" Layoin said and flashed Legolas a smile. Legolas heart skipped. For some reason he felt nervier around Layoin. He then noticed a quiver behind her back along with a Lorien bow, but he said nothing.
//
Haldir: Because it makes sense that all of her horses are in Rivendell when she's from Lothlórien.
Legolas: [still a bit pashed-out] Huh? What's the bow bit about? Is it revelent, er relevant?
Haldir: Bow, you idiot. You use it to shoot arrows.
Legolas: No shit. I mean, if she's from Lorien, why *wouldn't* she have a Lorien bow?
Haldir: Uh, she's a *girl*.
Legolas: Oh, right. Forgot.
//
"Come we shall ride into the woods and find a spot to practice and talk." Layoin said and then began to make he horse go.
//
Legolas: You can lead a horse to the loo, but you can't make him go.
//
Legolas did not say a word and just followed her for a wile till they got to an open space in the woods. Layoin hoped down off her horse and then whispered into its ear in elvish. "Rest now Liena and take Aramis with you. I shill call you when I need you back" The two horses wondered off and Layoin turned now towards Legolas and flashed him a smile. Legolas smiled back and he then saw her take out her bow and an arrow. Legolas still thought it was weird that a lady would have such a weapon so he decided to ask he why.
//
Legolas: She's gone and had a sex-change. May I recommend a lobotomy?
Haldir: She's already had one.
Legolas: I meant for me, so I can forget all this rubbish.
//
"Layoin may I ask you a question?"
"Yes you may"
"Why do you have a weapon that only the worrier elves in your land carry?"
//
Haldir: You know those worrier Elves. Too afraid to go about without their weapons.
Legolas: I'm worrying for my sanity. At least *you* don't have to be in the story with her.
Haldir: But she's giving us Galadhrim a bad name!
//
Layoin paused for a moment and thought if she should tell him the truth. But then she had no reason not to.
"Can you keep a secret?"
Legolas looked at her for a moment trying to think about what she was guan tell him. Then he answered.
"I can keep your secret and I swear that I shall not tell a sol."
Layoin sighed and sat down on the ground. Legolas sat next to her and she slowly looked up at him.
//
Legolas: Yes, I often wonder about the effects the sun has on guano.
Haldir: Huh?
Legolas: Never mind. I have no idea what I just said.
//
"I'm a worrier." Legolas looked at her in wonder. He did not know what she meant.
"Please explain this to me for I am not to sure what you mean by that"
//
Haldir: It means she should be medicated.
Legolas: Yeah. Too much worrying can give you an ulcer.
//
"We you see when I was a young she-elf my older brother though me how to use a bow since he was going to join the Lorien army and I thought what he was teaching me was fun. So when I was older he bought me my own bow and arrow set. I was so happy. Well I would practice all day long if I could get away from my dad. I wanted to be the best, and then when I was old enough I decided to join the Lorien army my self. But as all know you have to be male to join so I desisted myself as a male and joined the army. My brother doesn't know this and if my father knew he would be so disappointed in me."
//
Legolas: We I see she's a moron. Who, when she was young, was a she-elf because she desisted being male.
Haldir: Makes sense.
//
Legolas just looked at Layoin. He did not know what to say to her but he did not mind that she could fight. Infect it drew him closer to her.
//
Haldir: [mock gaping] You. . .you've got an *infection*?
Legolas: Oh, shut up, you.
//
"You must be one strong she-elf" Legolas said to her. She smiled and her eyes shined with joy.
"Then you do not care"
"No. Why should I care that you do something that you love"
//
Legolas: I think that if she says "she-elf" one more time, I'm going to put an arrow through her eye.
Haldir: Careful there, mate. She's a worrier, you know.
//
"Oh Legolas" Layoin said throwing her hands around him. "I'm glad That you understand" Then Legolas took her hands down and looked right into her eyes and spoke.
"I would love to see what you could do with a bow." She smiled at him and stood up.
"As you wish"
//
Haldir: Watch out! Flying hands!
Legolas: [aiming arrow] I'll show her what *I* can do with a bow!
Haldir: Wait, Legolas! There are still five more chapters!
Legolas: I know. Why do you think I want to kill her?