Love Lost and Found

Chapter 3/?

~...~ indicates something written
//...// denotes thoughts

Carefully he put the pen aside and scanned the text he had written once again. It wasn’t good. And it didn’t even begin to describe the way he had been feeling. With a sad but determined smile he put the paper aside and got up. He knew what he wanted to do. Slowly he went to the window and looked outside. It was raining and a soft breeze chased grey wisps of fog through the garden. It was his favourite weathHe hHe had always liked places and situations with a dark and mysterious atmosphere. He was lost in thought as he went to the door, grabbed his raincoat and went out into the pouring rain. He went quickly and without looking back for fear that someone might follow him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go through with his decision if he met one of the others. Determined he followed the path to his favourite place by the river and sat down at the trunk of a tree. For quite some time he simply stared into the water. He couldn’t sort out his thoughts. There were just too many of them. But it was that way often. And somehow he had gotten used to it. He sighed once again and allowed himself to fall into the dark abyss gaping within him. Down, to the point where everything was cold and quiet and no one could disturb him anymore. It was the only place where he had ever felt safe and where he could only retreat to if he was alone. He was used to being alone anyway.
So used that he couldn’t remember the last time he had truly missed someone. At least someone special. He was hoping for something he had never felt, for someone he had never known and this hope was tearing his soul apart. It had become a little bit better when he had started to believe that Viggo might be that someone but now he knew that hope had been nothing but foolish. He had hoped too much. And once too often. Hoped for something he had never known and he had started to think that he didn’t even know what it was. For a long time he sat motionless, not noticing how time passed.
Finally he reached for the hiding-place under the root of a tree and pd oud out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. With shaking fingers he lighted a cigarette and began to smoke hectically. Most people thought he didn’t smoke but sometimes he just simply needed a cigarette. //Just another way to destroy yourself…// he thought bitterly. He threw the cigarette into the water and looked around once more. He studied every detail, everything he could see, as though he wanted to absorb every tiny aspect of this rainy day and burn them into his memory forever.
Carefully he felt for something else under the tree-root and stilled as soon as his fingers touched the item he had sought.
He closed his fingers and then pulled the object out into the open. For some time he stared at the glittering, silver steel while raindrops mingled with the tears is face.ace.
//This is it then…// he thought as he placed the hunting-knife at his throat, directly over his jugular vein. //Viggo…// He took one last breath and then, slowly began to put pressure onto the blade…

~~~

//Bloody fucking rain!// he cursed silently as he got out of the car and into the steady down-pour of rain. He stooped dead in his ks aks and frowned as he noticed that the door to Orlando’s house was open. //What the..?// Slowly he approached the house, but he saw no sign of the young Brit.
“Orlando?” He called out “Orlando, are you home?” Cautiously he stepped into the house and searched for Orlando. Once again his gaze was captured by the empty vodka bottle in the living room.
//He’s probably drunk and asleep…// he frowned again as he saw the two used mugs on the kitchen table. It was unlike Orlando to let such things stand around any longer than necessary.
//Strange…// he thought //something is amiss here..// He couldn’t help it but he was beginning to feel increasingly worried. //Orlando has to be somewhere…//
A few minutes later Viggo had searched all rooms, except for the bedroom. //Seems he’s asleep after all…// Viggo told himself and with a relieved smile pushed the door open. He froze as his gaze fell onto the empty bed. //He’s gone… but why… where would he go? Drunk as he was…// Suddenly he noticed a few sheets of paper on the bed. Frowning he picked them up and started to read.
~
With a slow, deliberate movement he pulled his coat tighter around his shoulders and suppressed a shiver. Just like he always suppressed everything. Love, hate, affection, unhappiness, despair and elation.
~
Viggo’s worry increased as he shook his head and then continued to read the strange text.
~
Only sometimes he allowed a smile to surface. Others mostly described him as quiet, balanced and contemplative, sometimes even a little bit too quiet. But none of the understood how he really felt. A boiling pot of suppressed emotions that threatened to tear him apart. But they never surfaced because during all the years in which he had hidden his feelings he had lost his ability to cry and to scram. He just wasn’t able to express emotional pain any more.
At least not in a way other people could understand. The louder he screamed inside, the less he talked. He just became more and more quiet. He put on a happy façade in the company of others but that was nothing but a lie. He continued to pull back into himself where he found nothing but even more pain and despair. One day everything was too much. He had fallen so deep into the darkness within him that there was no place left to fall to any more. And he saw only one way of escaping from this feeling.
Whoever reads this should know that what I am about to do is my own, free decision. I have not been influenced in any way. When this letter is found I will be gone and I do not intend to return. This is entirely my fault and no one is to blame but me.
Orlando Bloom
~
//No!// shocked Viggo stared at the signature under the letter. //He can’t mean to… why would he?// “Orlando!” he yelled and ran into the living room “Come out if you’re here!”
//The door was open… he must have gone somewhere… but where? I have to find him!//
He dropped the letter and began to search for something that could tell him where Orlando might have gone to. Finally he returned to the bedroom and opened the drawer next to the bed. A shoe-box caught his eye. Swiftly he opened it on the bed. A tumble of papers and photos fell out. Picking up a random paper he started to read.
~
Contemplation
a swiftly descending darkness
cascades upon my mind
I am drowning in this stillness
and cannot seem to find
a way out of this confus and and back to the safety of hope
only with pain’s intrusion
I am somewhat able to cope
with the shadows rising within me
they’re drowning the dreams I once had
and all I can still see
is the mirror, crying, so sad
trapped in this world, lonely and fading
held back by my pain
I am heartbroke and waiting
for all is in vain
~
Viggo’s mind was reeling as he quickly leafed through the papers and photos. Finally he found a photo of a place he knew. It depicted a tree by a riverside.
//The place where we had the picnic the Hobbits arranged for two weeks ago… He told me how beautiful he found that spot… a perfect place for thinking he said… he could be there… but what if he isn’t? I can’t afford to search in the wrong place… god only knows how long he’s been gone… I might be too late…//
Reaching a decision Viggo jumped up and ran outside into the direction of the river hoping that he was right and would not be too late.

Tbc…