A Gift of Love

CHAPTER 25

I have seen the longing in his eyes as he watches patrols ride out. It is not enough for him to plan and discuss. He misses more than I the weight of a sword in his hands.

He stands leaning upon the balcony railing, bent elbows supporting his weight as he watches. He nods in what is obvious salute to him from below in the courtyard. I stand beside him as he closes his eyes a moment and runs his hand over his head. Long dark hair is tied back from his face, falling like a ribbon down his back. He is now training once more and has forsaken the loose cascade of hair about his shoulders that I so love. He is anxious that Glorfindel keeps his training light and in small parts. He fears he will not regain what he has lost swiftly enough. To watch as those he choose to ride with us ride out alone pains him.

His eyes open as he turns to me, I hold him as he steps into my arms.

¡§It will not be long now. Ada is well pleased with your progress, he will not keep you from riding once he thinks you ready.¡¨

Elladan nods. "I will not leave you.¨

I step back from him a little, caressing his cheek, kissing softly his bruised lips. I smile, remembering the needy kisses I bestowed on him as we woke.

"A few days will be no hardship Elladan. You will not be far from me, we are never far from each other.¨

Elladan pulls me close once more. I feel the sigh against my neck in the release of his warm breath. I know he is in turmoil. He longs to leave, yet with equal longing he wants to stay. I fight to hide the need for him to stay by my side where he is safe.

My brother¡'s fingers lace through my hair, that unlike his hangs loose about my shoulders.

"I do not want to leave you,¨ he murmurs once more as his fingers find the points of my ears. I know he does not. We feel each other¡'s presence when apart but it little compensates us. We have our dreams that bring us close, yet they leave us with as much longing as fulfillment. It is not easy to push him toward a path I cannot share but he will not be fully content until he rides once more. And that will be soon.

"Come,¨ he whispers and I do not pretend I do not know where he takes us. Quietly we walk along the corridors, made less busy by the farewells in the courtyard. Only once do I catch my brother¡'s eyes fleetingly search out the riders as they turn to take their leave of Ada. Glorfindel raises his hand the departing patrol. I see in him the same that I see in my brother.

Elladan pushes open our door, embracing me as soon as it clicks closed behind him. The he stands back. His eyes trail over my body with such intensity that I lower my gaze from his. His finger lifts my chin to look to him once more.

"Tell me how I can leave you?¨ he murmurs, "when you are what I live for.¨

I do not answer him, for his mouth is hungrily on mine, his hands fumbling unsteadily at the clothing that covers my body and stops him from touching my skin. Awkwardly, with the haste of our beating hearts we manage to scramble both from the cloth that separates us from each other. His fingers glide over my back, his mouth still on mine. Slowly we pry apart from each other, his hands gripped to my arms as once again he regards me. I see the fight within his eyes, denying his natural inclinations, the path he is drawn to without say. I see it war with his desire for me and to me. He sees it a betrayal that is not there.

"I would not have you leave me my brother¡¨ I say softly, the palm of my hand on his cheek. I would not but I will let him follow his warrior heart.

"We will not speak on it now,¨ he murmurs, his lips at my throat, a bite stinging the tender flesh.

Though he guides us to our bed, it is he who lays on the satin covers, knees bent and apart, arms open to me in beckoning. He seeks solace in the familiar in the face of all the unknown that surrounds him. And I will not hesitate to give him what he needs, for when I search my own heart, it is also what I desire.

He cries out in pleasure as I pierce his body. My flesh as hard as his. I pull him roughly to me in a kiss that has my body shiver at his response. His back is arched, pressing me deep into him as our kiss ends. Already he breathes heavily as the tears fall in crystal rivers from his dark eyes. He looks to me and together we lose ourselves in each other. The world circles around us yet we are not apart of it. There is only Elladan and Elrohir as we make love, as I press repeatedly into him, sliding into the warm hotness of his slender body. When we reach the point where control breaks, his cry matches mine, his seed spills between us as mine flows into him.

In the hazy aftermath, his hand is caressing my stomach.

"We do no harm?¨ he asks again, still unsure.

"We do no harm,¨ I reply with confidence. I do not need healers or words written to tell me, I would know if there was a thing amiss with what I carry.

"I am glad Elrohir,¨ he murmurs so softly that even my ears do not register the sound for a moment. "I am glad,¨ he repeats as softly.

"So am I,"I reply before he kisses me gently.

"I am glad we do this, I am glad for the life that stirs within you. Glad that you love me enough to do this for me.¨ He caresses my cheek, I see the tears form once more in his eyes as he speaks. "The sacrifice I make is nothing to yours.¨ I brush at his cheek as the first tear falls. "I am sorry Elrohir, I cannot help this longing.¨

I know he cannot just as I cannot. Yet it is easier for me. I shake my head.

"It is the Elladan I fell in love with, the Elladan I love¨ I say to him quietly. ¡§You cannot deny your very nature, just as we could not deny our love.¡¨

He nods slowly, half believing my words, struggling still to master what he feels. "Sleep with me?¨ he asks without reason. I know what it is he asks. I lie back on the pillow as he nestles his head into my shoulder, my arms wrap protectively around him. Just as we had done when his dreams overtook him in the night and he would crawl into my bed. Sleep with me he would whisper, as he lay against me, trusting me to rid him of his nightmares. And I would wrap my arms around him and hold him until he slept.

He sleeps now, his arm across my chest, his leg over my thigh. And I will watch him until sleep and dreams claim me also.

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I wake to find my brother still sleeping. I cannot leave yet the cradle of his arms and rise from the bed. So I do not. The turmoil in my soul lessens as I watch the rise and fall of his chest, watch the way the slight swelling of his stomach moves. I place a finger tip over the curve, tracing around it and across. I feel the movement within respond to my touch. I smile.

"It will wrench my soul also to leave your side," I whisper, "you who will bring so much change and joy to us. Know that you will be well loved, even when I am parted from you, my heart will be with you, just as it always is with he who gives you life.¨ I hold my hand still and fancy a tiny finger reaches out to me, touching the tip of my own. For a moment there is a touch to my cheek, a feather touch of soft lips and sweet breath. "I love you also,¨ I return.

Elrohir stirs now, his hand tangling in my hair, brushing over my ear. He turns to hold me closer to him before his steady breathing again say he falls into deep slumber. I too feel the pull, closeted as I am within his embrace. We sleep, all of us.

When I awake I look up to see my brother look to me in greeting.

"How beautiful you are,¨ he smiles. I raise my head for his kiss. We will bathe and dress and he will go to Ada while I go to Glorfindel. He will come back to me later.

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Elladan smiles at me as I enter, looking up from the book he holds in his hands. He smiled but as those wiser than I would note, the smile does not reach his eyes. They do not sparkle with the same radiance. Books not longer hold a fascination for him. He trains hard, I have watched him from the shade of the nearby trees as he seeks to drain the energy he now has. He fights with such fury that it is only Glorfindel who will stand against him, and even he attempts to temper my brother. I smile as I recall Gandalf¡¦s words that I have the better temperament for this confinement. Though I too chaff as my inactivity, restricted as it now is to walks pleasant enough along garden paths, it is little compared to Elladan, more the soldier born than I. I have found much relief to my restlessness in the study and the planning of our defences.

He holds out his hand, curling to make room on the chair we still use. I lay his head on my shoulder, kissing his cheek as he nestles into my shoulder. I look at him, running my hand over his chest and stomach. His body is lean and hard, the perfect warrior once more, no trace remaining of the illness that came to close to ending his life and with it mine. Though Ada assures us both that it is unlikely that he will succumb a second time, doubt still lingers in my thoughts.

Elladan¡'s hand touches my cheek as he looks to me. His furrowed brow tells me that my silent contemplation has been noticed.

"What is it brother?" he asks quietly.

I shake my head. He knows without the telling.

"I will not leave.¨ He speaks firmly of his resolve and it has held these past weeks. As our time draws near, I am as reluctant to let him go.

"You are ready now,¨ I reply.

"I am never ready to ride without you,¨ he returns.

I will speak no more on it in these moments. I urge him, he resists. But he is not completely happy to share this confinement with me, and I am not happy while there is something that can be done for my brother.

We sit in silence, my fingers turning a lock of his hair just to feel its smooth silk. He listens to the beat of my heart. We are content, he is content for now.

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I know Elrohir watches from beyond the steps as I mingle with those who would ride out this evening. I listen to their concerns and with the plans Elrohir has prepared allay their fears such as they are. They trust to Elrohir as they do to me. There are nods of agreement among those who will serve in command in our stead. Then they mount and ride. I watch them turn back to Elrohir who stands atop the steps now in open view. He wears a flowing robe of deep red, the gentle breeze stirs his hair about his shoulders. He is a glorious sight in the dimming light. He holds out his hand to me and I walk slowly toward him, casting one glance to the direction of the departed riders. Together we walk through the corridors back to our room and into the gardens beyond.

My brother says nothing as we walk, his peaceful expression belying what I know is stirring within his heart. Try as I may I cannot hide the longing. It troubles him, remains a point between us that we struggle to resolve.

We arrive to sit at the chair beneath our tree. The sky is fading to pinks and golds. My hands in his, he sighs as his gaze turns from the distance to me.

"I cannot bear your melancholy any longer Elladan,¨ he begins. I open my mouth to protest, but he halts my words with a finger to my lips. "No, hear me out, please.¨

I nod as he removes his finger, the palm of his hand resting on my cheek.

"You may hide what you feel from others, perhaps even from Ada, but not from me brother. I see deeper into your heart than they ever could, just as you see into mine."

"Your longing is as strong,¨ I counter.

Elrohir laughs a little. "Aye, it is,¨ he acknowledges, "yet...............¨ his gaze as does mine drifts.

"Yes.¨ There are other things that keep him here. "I am content, I have matters to occupy me.¨

I nod. He has found is talent in the planning of campaigns, have proved Ada¡¦s equal in seeing movements on a map laid out before him, able to counter and attack. I have seen the joy in his eyes as he gestures to one place and the next. His blood still runs hot at the thought of the hunt, but it is tempered now as is his oft times reckless spirit. I have found no such. I look at the maps spread before us and I see the weapons that will be used in the mountain passes, on the plains, see campsites where rest can be taken before battle, tally how many need ride. And when the party is readied, I watch them depart, the fire in my veins unquenched.

Elrohir looks to me, he can indeed read my heart well. "You go next with them.¨

"No,¨ I whisper.

Elrohir shakes his head, once more a finger pressed to my lips.

"Yes, Elladan,¨ he smiles, withdrawing his finger to kiss me.

I sigh at the kiss, the feel of soft lips on mine.

"You will not be gone long, nor will you be far from me,¨ he whispers into my ear, warm breath on my skin. "You are never far from me.¨

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It is with a mixed heart that I raise my hand in farewell to my brother. He is right, I will not be long away nor far. Yet with each step the mare takes I feel the distance multiple. I glance back often until I can no longer, each glance he smiles to me and nods his acceptance of this. I hear him in my mind wish me well and safe passage. I whisper back my love to him and a promise he will take care.

We ride in silence. I note the company surrounding me. With a smile I acknowledge the ones who guard me most closely. They are elusive beings, seen only at times of their own choosing. How I long to speak with them but do not approach knowing the time will be later. My curiosity will wait to be sated, I will not intrude upon them if only my own satisfaction. From afar they offer their strength and for that I am grateful.

We encounter no black hordes this day for we are close to well patrolled borders, only the lost or crazed would venture into our lands here. Yet we are vigilant, we have seen, all of us the aftermath of laxness. When we camp I sit to stare at the fire flames. I drink and eat sparingly at the offered refreshments. I think on Elrohir but do not call to him. He does not need the disturbance offered by a brother¡¦s selfish need to have him close. I wonder often at the balance that exists between us. Once he was the more headstrong, the one who little considered his position and oft paid heavily for it. The one I feared for in battle. He is right when he claims this journey has not changed him, but in ways perhaps he does not recognize it has. He is the reflective one in my place, I the more prone to defend our pride and our name.

The night passes and with it the next day. We are to be out but a week as men count the days, already it seems too long as I scan the horizon in search of something. But Elrohir has been right, I need this, even if the tedium of it had been vanquished from my mind and resurfaces only now. I need to feel the freedom such a ride brings. And I do though it is tinged with regret that I feel so.

We stop to rest. I slide a little weary to the ground to walk the short distance to the clearing at the side of the path. Groups of the company use the opportunity to attend to business of their own. I smile quietly, Elrohir and I would have made out way further into the forest to steal moments alone, a precious time on the road.

A sharp pain screams through my body. I wrap an arm around my waist as I sag and cling to the tree beside me.

**Elrohir** my mind screams above the pain. I stand more upright, breathing heavily to calm my body, wiping my hand over my wet brow.

**Elrohir** I call again. An arm slips around me, supporting me as I stagger to where the horses graze.

"I must go to him, I must.................¨ Another wave of pain overtakes me. I bite at my lip, hard enough to feel the warm flow of blood trickle into my mouth.

"We ride with you.¨ The soft voice of my supporter speaks, cutting through the dizzy haze that clouds my thoughts.

I nod, taking his hand to steady against the flank of the horse. With help I mount, leaning heavily for a moment across the neck of my horse. He holds my hand still, and I am grateful for the solidity of it. His touch is a balm, soothing me. I look into the distance, to Imladris. I know Elrohir can hear me. I breath deeply, determined to lend him whatever strength he needs in this. There is a soft squeeze to my hand, I look down to smile faintly.

"We ride,"he whispers. There is a quiet confidence to his manner that I cannot share. Elrohir is in pain, that is all I know and care for. He nods back to me, understanding as no other can what I feel. He says nothing more, gracefully mounting his steed. We wait only moments for his young companion to join us.

We ride hard, my two guardians and I. All the while the pain abates, but it does not take with it my troubled thoughts. The gates of Imladris will not be sighted soon enough.

Glorfindel stands at the steps, alerted to our arrival by the harsh sound of quick hooves on stone. We have barely halted before I dismount, sliding to the ground, running to him.

"Where?¨ I cry at him, "where?¨

My father's lover places a hand on my shoulder, a nod of the head given to my fellow riders that gives meaning to something I do not understand.

"He rests, come.¨

I follow inpatient at his seemingly slow pace.

The door to our chambers opens. Elrohir lies covered on our bed, Ada beside him. He raises a hand to me to approach when I stop, frozen at the door. Slowly, as if I cannot comprehend the scene before me I walk to him.

Elrohir lies pale against the satin of his hair that splays out on the pillow around him. His hand reaches for me from beneath the covers. There is a mix of smile and frown on his beautiful face.

"It seems your offspring grow anxious for the touch of your hand and sound of you voice and called you home,¨ his icy stare soon melts into a smile that has his eyes sparkle. I kneel at his side, bringing his hand, clasped tight in mine, to my lips. My eyes seek out Ada that nothing further is amiss.

"Elrohir must rest awhile, but there is no harm done.¨

I glance to another whose presence hangs in the shadows. I bow my head to him in thanks to he who watches over me brother, as his brother watches over me. He nods his head to me before slipping away once more into the shadows. He goes in search of his brother and child, knowing they brought me home.

I shift my gaze back to Elrohir who sleeps peacefully. Ada too has slipped away and we are alone. I pull a chair close to the bed, take Elrohir¡¦s hand in mine as I lean close to press a gentle kiss to his brow. I watch then, the steadiness of his breathing, the turn of his head toward me. It matters not how many times I look to him, his beauty always catches my breath. Without my knowing I too drift to sleep curled into the chair, Elrohir¡¦s hand still clasped tight in mine.

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It is later that I awake, the drowse of sleep leaving me slowly. I look and blink into the relative brightness of the room. I had dreamed of Elladan. Dreamed him back with me, and as I focus on this world I feel a warm hand in mine. I trace the hand to arm to shoulder and hence to the fall of dark hair. No dream then. He is returned. He looks peaceful in such repose, my exquisite brother. I frown a little at the tired marks around his eyes. He has slept little and been ever watchful on the road. I shake my head, it is as it has always been with him. The authority does not sit well with him, he carries the weight of it constantly. Perhaps, I think as he breathes in a sharp breath and I fear he wakes too soon, I should not have sent him away. The illness mayhap still lingers within him. I watch him, vacant sleep filled eyes staring into his dreams, did he convince us of his health unfairly? Had he the desire so strong to ride that even he could tell himself he was well? I do not know. I am happy enough he came back to me. The tiny ones within me stir, acknowledging the presence back among them of their sire. I fancy they had knowledge of something amiss with him as so called to him. That they so young have such a connection to the world they are soon to be born into fills me with joy. They will have each other through the trials of life, as I had Elladan to guide and stand with me. They already have shown such compassion, for I have no doubt it is they who have sought to give Elladan and I the strength we have needed.

There is a slight movement against my hand and my attention is back to my brother. He smiles tiredly at me, stretching cramped muscles. He comes to lie beside me, caressing me cheek.

"You are well?¨ he asks in a murmur.

I nod. "And you?¨

"Tired only,¨ he kisses my lips softly. "I feared greatly for you, Elrohir, the pain I felt...................¨ he shakes his head.

I kiss him more ardently. The pain had racked my body also. Intense spasms coming in waves that had me clutching my stomach in such fear. I had thought something gravely amiss. I smile at Elladan now, that pain forgotten as he nestles in my arms.

"You were called back,¨ I whisper to him, "I should not have let you go in the beginning.¨

Elladan lifts his eyes to me from where they had rested, watching his hand over my stomach.

"No, Elrohir, you should not.¨