A Gift of Love

CHAPTER 23

Elrohir tends to me even as I protest. It should be he who rests on the wide bed, while I see to his wishes, both exotic and mundane. I chaff at the long hours I lie upon the crisp sheets, my only relief coming when Elrohir guides me to a chair to sit in the still warm rays of the approaching autumn sun.

He reads to me, he talks and at times I can do little more than nod in reply. I am unnaturally tired and easily so. Ada says such things will pass, albeit slowly, for I have long been unaccustomed to exercise and my limbs have become unused to their functions. Gradually he says I am to increase the time I am allowed to walk and Elrohir is there to watch that I do not push too hard to regain strength. Although my thoughts are not unhappy at this enforced rest, it gives us time to be with each other with no guilt that we should be attending to other matters.

Glorfindel has returned to Ada's side once more with news that nests of foul beasts have been cleared and the danger close to our borders lessens for the time. We will ride further afield, but not yet. That is for later. Now is a more peaceful time for us all with the house.

This day my brother has all but carried me to the large chair that sits on the edge of our garden. I lean on him more than I would wish and thankfully sink into cushion beneath me once we arrive at our destination. He has insisted on this routine each day since I was judged well enough by Ada to be moved from the bed. Elrohir organizes a small table by my side containing medicines I still must drink and other more pleasant accompliments to ease their passage.

I remember little of my time of illness and little has been said of it, yet Elrohir looks to me at times and there is something concerning that time that he will not yet speak of. That he feared for me is evident in the way he attends to me now. That I would fear greatly for him had he been the one who lay upon the bed unmoving and who now can recall nothing of those weeks is also left unsaid. That I fear for him now is evident in the way I want him close to me at all times. Knowing we can come so close to losing each other is a pain I constantly live with.

Elrohir settles at my feet, his hand resting around my leg, his head pressed to my knee. Presently he will open the book he had set down on the grass and read to me and I will be lulled by his voice as I stroke his hair. It matters little what the tale concerns, only that I can listen to Elrohir read. He tells me that is what he did while I lay on the bed. I have always enjoyed him reading aloud to me, he has said it made him feel closer to me when I could not reach out to touch him. There is a vague awareness that he was always close to me, I can recall times as I lay uncomprehending of the world around me that of all things in this world, it was he that I could feel with me.

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The hand that runs through my hair stills. I close the book, lying it on the grass to be collected later. I know without looking that Elladan has fallen asleep. He is not happy that such exhaustion overtakes him when he had done so very little. He is used to far more rigour, yet it will be some time before he can again ride with the strength he once commanded. It will take time Ada has told us both for the effects of the mixture that ran through his blood to subside. When it does he has promised Elladan will suffer no more. For that I am glad for I have seen the frustration in his eyes though he tries to hide it from me.

I stand and stretch my legs and arms, stiffened from sitting beside my brother. The tiny forms inside me protest as well at so long in one place. They move with all the energy their sire usually has. There is no mistaking they are Elladan's sons.

I stare a moment at my sleeping brother. There is a peace to his features that was not there when he lay stricken. He moves a little and I wonder if it is his dreams that move him so. I brush back a strand of ebony hair that has fallen across his face, a sigh escapes his parted lips as my fingers brush over his cheek. I bend to kiss the tempting mouth.

"We will carry him to the bed.¨

The voice is soft behind us. Glorfindel is scoping Elladan into his arms as I nod and step back. Glorfindel lays him on the bed covers while I retrieve a blanket to cover him while he rests. As quietly as he came Ada¡¦s lover departs, leaving me to curl beside my lover and join him in sleep.

I wake a little while later to the still warm breeze and wonder if Elladan would be allowed to walk a short while in the late afternoon sun. He still sleeps as I rise to pour some water to drink. I select some of the fruit on the platter and think on Elladan¡¦s dreamings. He has some thought that I am keeping something unsaid to him about his illness, and I know that it troubles him as it does me. I know I soon must speak to him on the nightmares I witnessed. I would not have him in such pain. Yet to do so will cause him distress when he is not yet strong enough. I would not set back his recovery with a matter of such import and such hurt to us both. That I would follow him is beyond doubt, yet I would not have him choose death over life beyond mine. I smile. At times knowing your lover-brother so well gives rise to conundrums few others would understand.

There is a movement from the bed as I ponder a course of action. The shattering sound of glass and a curse uttered tiredly greet me as I turn.

"Elladan !¨ I exclaim as I note my brother¡¦s attempt to rise from the bed. His hand bleeds slightly where he has rested it on a shard of glass. He lies back, his eyes closed in what I know is frustration and anger. I run a cloth over his hand, binding it loosely. I shake my head as he looks to me, good hand curled into a fist.

"I wanted to come to you,¨ he explains, his voice heavy with attempted calm, "You looked.........pensive by the window. Something troubles you Elrohir, I would know what it is.¨

I sit on the bed and hold my brother in my arms. When I release him, he looks to me questioningly once more. I arrange the pillows behind him, climb onto the bed, leaning against them. I open my arms for him to nestle into my embrace. I would have delayed this, sought more time to find the words I need. It is not to be, Elladan understands as I understand him, he will not let this go unsaid.

Swallowing hard, my hand clasped with his, my head resting on the top of his satin hair, I begin. I begin with what he already knows, that this sickness came about from the way the potions and filth from orc blades mingled in his blood, that he did not stir for many nights. Told him how I had despaired, how lying with him as we had done since tiny babes had brought some peace to me.

"Yet,¨ I continue haltingly, "it did not seem to bring you peace.¨

Elladan lifts his head a little to look to me. He wipes the tear at my cheek.

"How so?¨

Another deep breath. I have come this far, he most certainly will want to hear the total of it.

"You dreamed, Elladan,¨ my hand gripping his more firmly. "Nights you would be restless in your sleep and often you would rest easier under Ada¡¦s draught. But there were times....nights when your dreams did not end so quickly, when.....when you seemed tormented by images."

Elladan looks away, his features torn, his eyes downcast.

"Times when nothing seemed to settle you. And I.......saw.......¨

Elladan looks sharply to me, the unshed tears glisten in his eyes, and it is I who hold him tight to me while he quietly sheds them. My own tears mingle with his as they slip down. For many moments we do not move, do not speak, we hold to each other as if at any time hence we will slip from each other's reach.

"I am sorry,¨ he stammers, fighting back the flow.

My fingers lift his head to me, my lips meet his in a searing kiss that reassures us that we are together.

"No,¨ I whisper as we part, "it is I who am amiss, I did not understand your pain, your reluctance to do this.¨

"I cannot live without you Elrohir.¨

I shake my head. I would seek a promise that he not seek death to join me, but I cannot. I could not hold to such a promise if he sought it from me, I cannot ask it of him.

"Nor I Elladan, my beloved, nor I.¨

I would ask that he not think on the demise of either of us but as he smiles sadly at me and lays his hand on my stomach. I do not think I have to ask that as the little kick announces that there is much to live for.

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I cannot let Elrohir go. That he could be drawn into my nightmares I did not think possible. Always it has been a call from one of us that has brought him to me and what we have shared has been sweet. Never would I have called him to witness my darkest thoughts. And dark they are. I cannot tell him that I have sheltered these images within my thoughts for long ages, that they have been locked away for fear he would recognize them and that they surface more when I allow visions to enter my mind. And they are disturbed by our separation and of the knowledge of what is to come.

We lay on the bed and both drift to sleep once more. I listen to the steady heart beat of my brother and feel secure in his presence.

We wake later to the pink hued sky of dusk. Ada stands by the archway leading to our bedroom, he smiles as we uncurl ourselves from each other, Elrohir helping me to sit. He nods as Elrohir asks, looking frequently to me, whether we could perhaps stroll in the gardens before the evening meal. He promises not to tire the both of us and Ada consents, leaving us with two glasses of thick liquid that we quickly consume. Elrohir helps me to my feet and chooses the garments for me to wear. As I slip them on the heaviness of even the light fabric Elrohir has chosen pulls at me. I have had little but bed linen and my brother touch my skin for so long.

We walk slowly along the paths. It all seems so fresh, unfamiliar in the familiar way of one who has passed along so many times but not of recent times. It is good to be outside once more to feel the breeze and do more than fall asleep in a chair. Elrohir holds me to him, his arm around my waist in steady support. As we turn to make our way back we have not spoken, both have enjoyed simply being with each other in this way. We enter the garden as I halt turning to Elrohir.

"The dreams.......¨ I begin, then change my mind, these are not dreams I have, "the nightmares," I correct, "I did not tell you of them ......I am sorry for that.....I did not seek to hurt you with them¡K.they are locked away in my mind¡K.it must have been that I lacked control from the sickness that they brought you to them.¨

I know Elrohir feels there is no needed to ask for forgiveness nor to explain that which we already know. Still I feel the need.

He kisses me as he did earlier when he first began to speak of it.

"Never will you be lost to me, nor I to you,¨ he whispers, ¡§we will always find our way to each other. I wish only that I could take them from you.¡¨

"That I can hold you and love you drives them away,¨ I return.

We walk the short distance to our rooms. The exertion has tired me as I sit on the edge of the bed and pull of my boots. There is time for us to rest before the evening meal. I lie back on the bed when my brother joins me and we curl into each other as we always do, my hand resting on his stomach as the tiny life within makes its presence felt.

Elrohir wakes first, turning toward me. I feel the warmth of his breath against my skin that stirs me from sleep. I put my arm around him, drawing him closer to me, my hand rubbing over his back and down his spine. He moans against my neck as he bites gently at my shoulder.

"Come,¨ I whisper,¨ if we linger, Ada and Glorfindel will be greeted with a sight they know of but may not wish to witness.¨

Elrohir's laugh fills the room as he pulls away from me.

"Indeed.¨

This is the first time we will have company while we eat since I have taken to food. We have taken meals within our rooms exclusively, but always just the two of us, we have both felt more at ease with this. I have managed only to consume small portions, my stomach unwilling to accept more than tiny mouthfuls. Ada and Glorfindel will join us soon, possibly to ensure I try a little more.

A knock to the door has us both move from the bed. The menu is a collection of foods that have been mine and Elrohir¡¦s favourites. I smile as I notice the honey cakes being carried in to be set on the table next to the fruits, breads and meats. Soon after the food Ada and Glorfindel arrive. Elrohir and I exchange glances and quiet smiles at them. One day they will acknowledge to all how much they mean to each other.

Ada watches both Elrohir and I throughout the meal, noting what we eat, while we inquire as to the events in the world around us. I feel remote from the discussions, so little have I participated in them. Elrohir knows more than I so his contribution is far more than mine can be. I listen to his voice more than his words, but even then I cannot fail to be impressed by his knowledge of strategy and combat. As we complete the meal, Ada's watchful eye again appraises us. I am tired once more and this does not escape his notice. He rises followed by his lover to bid us good night with a kiss to our brows. We return to the bedroom once they depart.

Elrohir assists in undressing me, as he did with dressing. I do not find this as distressing to me as I do other matters. I hold my tongue for the most part at my inability to do still the simple things. It will come I repeat to myself, but its progress is yet too slow for me. Elrohir¡¦s hands brush across my skin and though my mind is afire for him, my body is slow to respond to these inadvertent caresses. Elrohir has shied away from intimacy beyond a deep kiss and soft embraces. I know he tempers his own need in respect to me. As he removes his clothes to reveal the body in my heart I yearn for, I wish it were not so. Still he comes to me and we embrace, the soft kiss becoming harder and more needy. I feel his body awakening to mine, his hands firm on my back, they wander over me eliciting a moan from both of us. He stops and pulls away from me.

"I am sorry,¨ he whispers, his voice heavy with passion and regret.

I pull him to me once more. I do not want to deny him this, I will give what I can to him. It is what we both want.

"Do not move from me Elrohir,¨ I murmur to him. With a smile he comes back to me, warm arms around me once more. I am reassured by the way he holds me against his skin, the tightness of his grasp. I fear this weakness within me, fear he will not see me as I am, only what he now has before him. There is an ease in his body now, relaxed as he allows the desire he feels rise from within. ¡§I am glad,¡¨ I tell him stroking his back with my hands. There is a movement between us as we kiss, smiles and a soft laugh as we part.

Elrohir takes my hand, leading me to the bed. I sink beneath him as he moves above me. I look into his dark eyes, my own desire for him high, yet my body remains unresponsive to him. I turn my head with a whispered apology as tender fingers return my gaze to him.

"It matters not to me Elladan, I see in your eyes the love you hold for me, I see there the desire, I feel it within you.¨

Still I would wish I could offer him more as his mouth trails kisses over my neck and shoulder. I shudder as he sucks there, my fingers lacing through his hair. Rolling to lie by my side, he places my hand over his hard flesh, his over my softness. I rub over him with a faint smile. He moans softly. Without my touch he is close, it has been too long since we last lay together like this. I am caught by the melody of the sounds, a secret delight that I can still draw such from him, that he still delights in my touch.

"Harder, quicker,¨ he moans, though his hand on me is still gentle and caressing. His body arches as mine does not, he calls my name as I whisper his. When release comes for him the warm fluid feels strange but welcome on my fingers, I continue holding him until his body stills, he continues, perhaps in hope, with his hand on me.

"It will come my dearest brother,¨ he murmurs as he turns and his lips are placed on mine. I hold him this time hard to me with all the strength the day has left me with. He senses my distress and I hold him tighter for his understanding of me.

Yes, it will come as will all things I fear I have lost. My strength, my ability to defend this realm, the skills I have long trained to hone, the sharpness of my thoughts. The way to love my brother.

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Elladan sleeps in my arms peacefully. He has nestled against my shoulder and his steady breathing is a joy to hear. So many times I listened to the rasping sound as he struggled to fill his lungs and the shuddering of his body as he tired of the effort. He is upset still that he cannot offer me the pleasure of his body, in truth I crave it but it would give me no delight to take from him what he can ill afford to give. I know it will come to him, this strength he needs and he must be patient with himself.

As he turns to face me and nudge closer, I think on other things that concern him. I do not want this joyous time for me to be one of worry for him. I would seek to allay his darkest fears as I can. My eyes for a moment stray from the beauteous one beside me to the draw of the table beside our bed. There laying hidden is the rolled parchment that began this for us and within its folds the tale that will deliver to Elladan and I my brother's dearest wish.

I ponder for a moment whether what was granted to me is mine to shield from the ways of the world. As I think on it the concern in my mind is suddenly eased. I smile, real or imagined consent is given to me. I will take the document from its place and give it to Elladan to read. It is my hope that he understands as I do that all is safe in this enterprise, that I have no fear of it because there is little to fear. Elurin delivered his brother¡¦s child in the wilds of the forest with none close to aid them. I can certainly accomplish this in the presence of our people's foremost healer.

My attention is taken back to my brother as he breathes harshly. I soothe his brow that feels warm and damp. Startled I consider waking him or leaving to seek out Ada. I do not want to think he is plagued by his nightmare but keeps me from it. His leg winds its way over mine, my brother brought closer. I cannot leave now but the nearness seems to settle him. In that moment my thoughts are clearer. Come the morning I will give the parchment to him.

Elladan rests peacefully clinging to me and I to him. I have managed to doze lightly between watching him. I will rest later in the day when Elladan again needs to sleep for his rest is less disturbed in the daylight.

Day arrives with soft colours filtering through the drawn curtains. Elladan stirs blinking as his eyes focus up to me. I kissed his soft lips and smile. Untangling our limbs I rise from the bed, departing to the bathroom returning to him swiftly. His arms welcome me back and we lie watching the light brighten our room until I am reminded that it has been hours since the last meal.

"Hungry?¨ I ask my brother who nods even though he is most likely not. He will eat for me if not to satisfy his body's need.

Evidence of the last night has been taken and in its place new baskets of fruit, bread and cakes. I am in awe of the subtle unobtrusive way our needs are met. I make a selection to place on a plate to take into the bedroom to share. Elladan has arranged the pillows behind him as I reenter the room. His smile is tired still but the sight of it warms my heart. I will not ever take for granted one moment in his presence, I have come close to knowing what it would be like without it.

We eat, though in truth it is I who mostly eat, noting at intervals how much he consumes. It is not much but it will suffice. His breathing is a little laboured as he rests his head in the pillows. Putting the plate aside I go to the drawer and remove the parchment. He looks over to me puzzled.

"For you to read later, once you are rested. I lay it on the small table close to him.

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We sleep once more as we both have to. I find it easier, though I think Elrohir and Ada would not agree, that Elrohir needs to rest more also. If he were out engaged in training or hunting I would feel this enforced confinement more difficult to bear and it is taxing enough on my patience.

When I wake my brother beside stirs also. He excuses himself as I smile. Upon his return he kisses my lips with concealed passion before announcing he has to visit Ada. He rubs at his stomach with a grin. The curve is not to be seen under the loose tunic and perhaps it will not be noticed at all even in the time to come.

"Be good,¨ I whisper to the tiny presence as my hand joins Elrohir¡¦s at one little protruding mound that disappears at my words.

Elrohir glances to the parchment still rolled on the table by our bed thoughtfully. It seems he has just recalled placing it there and I expect him to move it, securing it back into its safe place. Instead he looks back to me and nods.

"I will be awhile,¨ is all he says as he leaves. At the doorway he looks back. "I love you Elladan, I always will.¨

"I love you Elrohir.¨

He smiles and departs.

I reach for the parchment, holding it then placing it on my lap. There is no hint as to what lies inside. It is old that much is certain. I untie the leather strip and lay the pages out, smoothing them. I wonder why Elrohir asks me to read this as I pick up the first page. The words have not faded on the yellowed paper, the writings stand out. As I read I begin to understand Elrohir's wish to give this to me. I do not notice some time later that my brother stands watching me awhile than retires to the garden to allow me to finish.

Once done I roll the parchments and tie the cord as it had been sealed before and I lie back on the pillows at my head to think.

I had heard the stories of our forebears, listened to the tales told in the halls and the accounts in studies. They had not stirred me as much as a sword or bow had in my hand and little of their import had remained consciously with me to the chagrin of Ada. Elrohir had been the more keen so I had left it to him. It seems fitting then that he should find this.

Elruin and Elured. The names echo in my head. As they do images form within my mind. Two children left to fend on whatever they could, thought long dead by those around them. Left to grow and to love. Love each other. That alone is comforting to me. I am not ashamed of my love for my brother, nor will any cause me to doubt how right it is for us. Yet to know that we are not the first among our kind soothes any lingering hurt I would feel Elrohir suffers for loving me in return. I do not doubt there are others who feel as we do but do not speak on it. Perhaps what it is that Elrohir does now will give them the strength to see the truth in their hearts.

I see the young ones grown now in my thoughts. Strong lithe bodies with shining eyes that look to each other in love. Grown elves who shun the world and the company of their kin for fear of not only illicit love. Lovers who will admit their passion and their identity to only one from whom they cannot hide. I see the wizard with them, solemnly passing the small vials to waiting eager hands. I smile as my vision give me privy to the tiny child nestled in the arms of one. The brother comes to stand behind him, arms around the child and lover together. He touches the cheek of the babe who smiles in response before kissing his lover¡¦s cheek. I watch as tears fall and the vision shimmers before me. The elf looks up and for a moment our eyes meet. He smiles and nods to me. I nod back to him before his attention is again taken by his small family. As I blink the vision fades but not the face that looked to me.

"Elured,¨ I whisper as Elrohir enters the bedroom to sit at my side.

Elrohir looks to the parchment that lies on the bed, looking to me.

"Yes,¨ I answer to him. Yes I have read.

"It came to me,¨ he says quietly, "it found me and gave me the answer I needed to find.¨

I understand.

"Yes," I reply as I bring my brother close to me, "I understand.¨