The Probability Factor

Chapter Twenty Two-Wish Upon a Star

(Dialogue in italics is spoken Sindarin)

The trip back to Imladris was uneventful. Once we had returned, the elves that decided to stay were quickly bringing order back to the daily operations of the tiny realm. I finally got to enjoy the beauty of the place. The waterfalls and mountains were spectacular, and reminded me of Vancouver and made me a little homesick. I guess I had been feeling a bit homesick since we lost the baby, but I had been trying to ignore that little voice that told me I needed my daddy. My father and I were especially close, and had spent loads of time pursuing interests that we shared when I was growing up. After Haldir and I lost the baby, I felt like I really needed my Dad to just give me some much needed familiarity. It didn’t mean that I didn’t rely on Haldir, but having your daddy around just seems to make things better, at least to me it seemed to.

Haldir had noticed the mood I had wrapped myself in, and even though we had talked, cried and worked through the loss of the baby, he just couldn’t seem to break through the shell I had enclosed myself in, trying to hide my homesickness. I hate to be a bother to people, and I knew that Haldir would be bothered by me being upset. There was nothing we could do about my not being back on Earth. Mithrandir, Galadriel and Elrond had all sailed and any power to help me out was gone. At least I thought so. So I hid my homesickness and tried to act normal, even though Haldir wasn’t buying it.

One day, after all of our things had been shipped up from Imladris, Haldir approached me as I sat in our sitting room, sewing a hem that had come unravelled when I was hiking through the woods that surrounded the chateau. He had a look in his eye that meant he wasn’t going to brook any argument with me, and I tried to ignore the feeling that things were about to go badly.

“Susan,” he began, taking the sewing from my hands, “Susan, we need to talk.”

I sighed and sat back in my chair, “Uh-huh.”

“Susan, I know you are feeling upset about something and have not seen fit to talk to me about it. You need to tell me, so we can work together to make this issue better,” he told me, sitting down on the divan across from me.

“Nothing’s wrong, Haldir,” I sighed. I didn’t want to have this conversation.

“Nonsense. I can feel what you are feeling through our bond, Susan. I just do not know where this is coming from,” he gently advised.

I bit my lip. I knew Haldir, having been married to him for two and a half years, and I knew that he would not let this lie. He’d niggle at me until I gave in.

“It is nothing that we can solve. We don’t have the means anymore,” I told him as I stared out the window to my side.

Haldir looked at me quizzically, “Susan?”

I got up and moved to his side, “Trust me baby. Nothing we can do. I’ll get over it. Don’t you worry about me.”

A look dawned on his face and he pulled me down beside him, “Home. You miss your home, do you not?”

A wave of guilt washed over me. It was selfish to wish to be at home. I was with my husband and that should be enough, but it wasn’t. I really wanted to be back home. As if on cue, Roxy came in from the bedroom and curled up by my feet. Having such a tangible reminder of home, sitting at my feet, did me in. Tears welled up in my eyes and I fought the urge to cry using the time tested method of waving my hands in front of my face. That didn’t do a damned bit of good, as the tears began to drop onto my cheeks and my face flamed in embarrassment.

I shook my head, “Please don’t be mad.” I knew Haldir would feel responsible, as my husband seems to think he’s responsible for the happiness of the entire world, or so it seems.

“I am not, but why did you not think to tell me? I could help,” he soothed.

“I miss home, Haldir. Home. As in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, planet Earth. I miss my Dad and my Mom. I even miss that stupid brother of mine. I miss my nephew and niece. I miss Alistair. I miss June. I miss Matcha lattes at Blenz. I miss my books and DVDs. I miss curling up on the couch on a Saturday night, reading a new tome. I miss Indian food! I miss the internet. I miss blogging on Livejournal. My life has been irrevocably changed, and I accepted it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss the life I left behind,” I ranted.

Haldir gave me a long look, “I knew we should have asked Mithrandir for a way back before he left.”

“Well, we didn’t. I’ve got to deal with it. Bummer for me,” I groused.

He got up off the divan and looked down at me, “Since you have made up your mind…” He trailed off, leaving me to finish the sentence.

“I’ll be fine,” I offered lamely.

Haldir did the unexpected, “Then I will leave you to your thoughts.” With that he walked out the door, taking Roxy with him.

I sat stunned on the divan, and then perplexingly began to cry.

Over the next few days Haldir spoke to me only when he needed to, and left me alone for the most part. I think I offended him when I told him exactly what was bugging me, but I wasn’t sure. Just as the alone time was beginning to get to me, Glorfindel joined me. He met me in one of the gardens, while I sat on a stone bench and brooded.

“Good day my lady. How are you this fine day?” he asked, standing before me, blocking the weak winter sun.

“I am well my lord, and you?” I asked politely.

Glorfindel had been away quite a bit as he had been left in charge of the security of Imladris, and had been out on patrols with the twins since we had arrived back from the Havens. I had often wondered why he had not sailed, as he was very fond of Elrond. I had found out from him that they were best friends and he had known Elrond from the time Elrond was young. I had no idea what ‘young’ meant. For beings that were immortal, he could’ve meant 12 or 2000.

“I am well my lady. It has come to my attention that you miss your homeland. Is this so?”

I nodded, “Yes. I miss home.”

He nodded sombrely, “Your husband is worried that he has failed you.”

I looked at him, shocked. “What? Why?”

Glorfindel smiled, “Haldir believes he should be able to take you home. He cannot. Therefore he feels he has failed you.”

Chagrined, I said, “He should not feel that way. There is nothing he can do. I do not blame him for this issue.”

Glorfindel nodded again, “Your husband is just being himself. Haldir has long believed that he can solve any issue. He has yet to realize that he does not have that power.”

We ended up sitting for a while just watching the grey sky above and chatting amicably about life. Glorfindel found out more about my home and I found out more about his life here in Imladris.

Glorfindel ended up being a good friend to me during those dark months. Haldir and I worked out the crux of the issue, but Glorfindel became one of our closest friends during this period. He spoke to Haldir, and he spoke to me. Then Haldir and I spoke to each other. As Glorfindel was not married, I ended up inviting him over for a lot of cold evenings, to play games or talk. When he was away on patrol, Haldir and I missed his company. He was a calm force and I enjoyed that.

I suppose this may have been perceived as odd, to have an unmarried elf over so much, and have him so integrated into our home, but it seemed natural. Lorien was finally empty, and Haldir’s brothers had sailed after Galadriel had. Celeborn was getting to know his grandsons and was kept busy with running Imladris. My husband’s duties had been cut back somewhat, as Glorfindel and he both had the same job. As Imladris wasn’t Haldir’s home, he didn’t go out on many patrols, but he did handle a lot of the administration. Glorfindel took over what would’ve been my husband’s patrols and enjoyed his respite from the ugly world of paperwork.

Our attempts to get pregnant again were not successful. I knew that at thirty-nine, it would be difficult to get pregnant, and being in such a primitive world, there was a very good chance I would not conceive at all. I accepted this for what it was. An opportunity to get Haldir to sail. I figured that if we didn’t end up having children, he would sail as I got older. At least I hoped he would.

The months passed into years, and before I knew it, I had been in Arda for three years. We had grown comfortable, even though I still missed Vancouver. No children had come along, so I kept busy with helping one of the administrators, Erestor, keep the library in order. Erestor was a font of knowledge, and I enjoyed the afternoons I spent with him among the dusty tomes. I was interested to find out that he had fought in the great battle of the first age that Glorfindel and Elrond had fought in. I couldn’t picture him as a warrior, but he just shook off my amusement and let me know that battles should not be glamorized. I told him about the wars that my planet had seen, and told him that war was never a game, but it was important to remember them, so we didn’t make those same mistakes in the future.

As we came up upon the anniversary of when Haldir came back to Arda, that fateful January night, I began to dream deeply detailed dreams of being back at home. We were in a new home, but we were at home and happy. I would wake up longing for it to be real, but no such luck. We were still in Arda, and I was no closer to being able to get home. While Arda and Imladris were beautiful, it wasn’t home. It had never become home.

The dreams persisted for a month before I had a dream of Haldir and I back in the mists where I had met Mithrandir for the first time.

“Ah, my lady. Haldir,” Mithrandir appeared from the mists, “It is good to see you once again.”

“Mithrandir!” I nearly hugged him, but remembered to just curtsey in response.

“Mithrandir. How do you fare?” my husband asked formally.

“I fare well, mellon,” he nodded, “I have news.”

We waited.

His eyes crinkled as he watched us wait, “I see you wish to cut to the quick of the matter. Very well. I will tell you. Susan, you and your husband have been granted passage home. As has a third been granted passage with you.”

“What?” I asked, “What third?”

“Me,” a voice came out of the mists. It was Glorfindel. “I have been wanting to see what lies beyond Arda and Aman, and the Valar have granted my wish.”

“But Celeborn…” I trailed off.

“Is sailing in the Spring. His grandsons will sail when they deem fit. I have lived in Aman and I have lived here in Arda. I wish to experience something new,” he explained.

“You’re speaking English,” I said.

“I am speaking the tongue of the other realm, as are you.”

Haldir spoke up, “Why? Why do you wish to come with us? You have many friends in Aman.”

“As do you. I wish to see Susan’s world first hand. She has painted an interesting picture,” he replied.

Mithrandir piped up, “Lord Glorfindel will also help Haldir sail, once you have left this plane of existence.”

I gasped. That was the big finale! Haldir would sail once I died, and he wouldn’t sail alone. He would sail with our friend. I felt relief wash over me like a tsunami. My legs felt weak as Haldir held me close.

“It is an answer to prayer,” he breathed in my ear.

I nodded, too overcome with emotion for words.

“It will not be as easy as you think Susan. Haldir and Glorfindel will be essentially human for their time spent on Earth. After your demise they will only have six months to set sail in your Pacific Ocean to be able to cross over to Aman. After that, if they have not left, they will live out the remainder of their lives as human and will die within a few years of you,” Mithrandir warned.

“We will accept the offer!” Haldir boomed.

“Glorfindel?” Mithrandir asked.

Glorfindel laughed, “For the ability to live a few decades as Susan does, in her homeland? I accept. I readily accept.”

“Then it is done. You are now named for your life on Earth. Glorfindel, you are now known as Finn Methuen. Haldir, you have taken your wife’s name?” he looked at Haldir.

Haldir nodded, “I have.”

“Then you shall be known by your wife’s name. Please be ready one week from tonight for the crossing. Say your goodbyes and gather your things.”

“What about the time that has passed?” I asked, “People will think I am dead.”

“You will be returned one month after you had left. Your life will continue as it has now, and you will be three years older than when you left. May I suggest you retry for that child you desired,” he winked.

My heart seized. Child! Did he mean that I would have one? Mithrandir just winked at me and said nothing.

“One week. Be in the courtyard by the front entrance and you may cross there,” he advised as he walked back into the mists.

I awoke as Haldir did, with a start. We just looked at each other and grabbing our robes, we ran out of our room into the hallway. Glorfindel was running down the hall towards us.

“We cross?” he asked.

“We cross,” Haldir confirmed.

We danced around the hallway in joy silently into the wee hours of the morning, laughing quietly at our wonderful luck.

Mellon-my friend