New Love

Part Twenty:


The days since his talk with Galdor in the garden were spent working from sun up to sun down for Erestor. He took his meals in his office and after he retired for the night did not speak to or see anyone until the next morning when he reported to Lord Elrond. Many in the house noticed the odd behavior of their chief councilor but had no idea what could have brought on this very somber mood.

It had been a week since Erestor had attended the evening feasts and Elrond was determined to get to the bottom of the problem. First however, he would have to get Erestor to talk and Elrond knew getting Erestor to talk about his feeling if he did not want to would be next to imposable.

He had noticed the looks that Glorfindel gave to Erestor when he had first been returned to them, and he had cautioned Glorfindel about getting involved with Erestor. He could see the love in the returned warrior’s eyes and knew that Erestor would not be able to give him what he wanted and needed.

Since he was a child, Elrond had known Erestor. The older elf had taught him and his brother everything they knew when they lived with the High King. Erestor had been a friend and a mentor. He knew that Erestor had a lot of “friends” that would come around but not stay around for very long. It was not until he had reached his majority that the bed habits of Erestor had become apparent to Elrond.

When Elrond had left to form his own realm there was only one elf he trusted enough to be his right hand. Erestor had not even blinked before he accepted. Knowing the older elf believed in him was a great sense of comfort and strength to Elrond. And now he needed to do something to help him. As long as Erestor’s sleeping around did not interfere with his work, Elrond had decided to turn a blind eye, even though it hurt to see his friend hurting himself, but now it had gone too far and something was causing his friend’s distress.

Every morning for the last couple of centuries Elrond had held a meeting with the heads of staff of his household. Those present were the head cook, Lindir, the head musician, Glorfindel, the head of the guards, and the most recent addition Melpomaen, the head of the scribes and the library, along with Erestor whom Elrond like to think with a chuckle was really the head of everything.

Elrond liked to hold to meetings in his office instead of the council room because of the informal setting. Many things were discussed and not all of them business. On this morning Mel and Lindir were sitting close together on the sofa, Lindir was telling everyone what had happened a couple nights previously with Nórdithen while Mel was looking sourly and trying to get Lindir to shut up.

“That’s not how it happened, Lindir!” he said with a scowl, “I was not flirting with him. I was just being nice.”

“Oh, well if that’s what you want to call it, you are the nicest elf in Imladiris.” Lindir replied as he threw his arm around his lover and drew him closer. “Now Mel, don’t pout, though you are awfully cute when you do.”

Elrond and Glorfindel laughed hardily. When their laughter died, Glorfindel looked around and noticed Erestor standing with his back to them looking out the window. He had not joined in the conversation since he had arrived. Elrond followed Glorfindel’s gaze and also noticed the somber elf standing apart from the group.

“Well, let us get down to business, we have a lot to do today. Will you join us Erestor?” he asked as he turned toward the dark elf by the window.

“Sorry,” Erestor replied as he came to sit in a chair beside his lord.

Elrond continued. “The council should be able to be held the day after tomorrow, all are present and Frodo has made a very good recovery. That means we will be having a larger than normal feast tomorrow night. Is there anything the kitchens are going to need?” he asked the cook.

The meeting proceeded with talk of security and plans for the council until Elrond dismissed them to go about their days. Those gathered rose and with farewells and promises to see each other at the meal, exited to go about their busy days. Erestor rose also and began to make his way to the door that separated his office from Elrond’s.

“Hold, Erestor; I wish to have a word with you,” Elrond said.

Glorfindel stopped at the door and looked back and forth from one dark haired elf to the other, concern was evident in his eyes.

“You may go, Glorfindel,” Elrond said. “I am sure you have plenty of work to do.”

Glorfindel tried to make eye contact with Erestor but the other elf would not look up from the floor where his eyes were trained.

“I will see you later then.” With that Glorfindel walked down the hall and to his office by the barracks.

“Erestor, are you well?” Elrond said as he grabbed he wrist of the other elf and lead him to the sofa to sit.

“I am fine, Elrond. I have many things to do.”

“We all have many things to do, Erestor, but you have not been taking care of yourself. I have not seen you at meals; the only time I have seen you this last week has been in your office. Please trust me as you once did, you are shutting me out. I thought we were friends.”

“We are, Elrond, you are the closest thing to a family I have, it is just… complicated. I don’t think I can talk about it, please just leave me be.” he implored.

“No, my friend, I can not leave you be. You are too dear to me and I need you too much. Please tell me what has you so upset. Is it Glorfindel? I know you two have had your problems, but I thought you were getting along.”

“Elrond, please don’t get into this, I can not take it.” Erestor soon became very agitated, he got up and began to pace the office, Elrond knew he had struck a nerve and needed to continue hounding Erestor if he wanted to help his friend, even though it hurt him to know he was causing him pain.

“What has Glorfindel done? Did he hurt you?” Elrond asked as he rose and grabbed the distressed elf by the shoulders to stop him.

“Glorfindel was done nothing but hurt me since his return!” Erestor said losing his composure finally. “No,” he added with a mirthless laugh, “I take that back since his death he has hurt me.”

“I don’t understand,” Elrond said with a furrowed brow. “How could he have hurt you by his death? Please, Erestor.”

Erestor took a deep breath and pulled away from Elrond, “You might as well hear the whole story, though I would have thought you would be able to piece most of it together by now. You know that I lived in Gondolin when it fell,” Erestor began.

“Yes, but you told me you did not know Glorfindel when you lived there.”

“I lied to you, I knew Glorfindel very well. It hurt too much to tell you that because we were bonded, Glorfindel is my husband.”

Elrond gasped and stood shocked as Erestor’s confession continued.

“I am a lord and the last remaining member of the House of the Golden Flower or I was until Glorfindel returned. Many knew me as the husband of Glorfindel when I lived among your mother and father’s people, and some still did when I moved to Lindon, but after the last of the refuges of Gondolin left these shores I stopped going by that title. I wanted to forget. When Glorfindel died I did everything I could to help his people, our people. I tried to do everything he would do, but I failed miserably. I was too young and naive, and I did the one thing he would never do. I broke our sacred trust and laid with others. After that I only endured and did everything I could to block out the memories.”

“Oh, Erestor, don’t you realize a life without memories is no life at all? If we don’t have our past how do we know who we are? That is what connects us to this world and to each other.”

“Don’t you understand, I don’t care who I am. I just want this to stop, the memories that haunt me, his fall and death. I want it all to go away and the only time it does is when I am in the arms of another. For a short time I can forget”

“But, Erestor, Glorfindel is here. You can be together again.”

“Don’t you think I have thought about that? Not a morning goes by that I don’t wake up and think about going to him, but then I remember what I have become. I will NOT taint him with my dirty flesh. I am soiled, Elrond, and no amount of washing will ever make me feel clean again. I am not the same elf he bound himself to, and I can not ask him to pretend that I am.” With that Erestor turned and walked into his office ending the conversation.