A Gift of Love

Chapter 20
Alone and Alone

My screams have brought Ada and Glorfindel to my side. As my eyes adjust to the gloom of the room, lit by a single candle light, Erestor has joined them. Ada’s hand feels cool against my brow as he smooths back my hair.

“Elrohir?” he asks, my name a question for explanation.

“Elladan,” I manage shakily, “Elladan….in my dreaming…..” I can manage no more, my head in my hands. They shake from the aftermath of what I witnessed.

Ada sits on the edge of the bed and draws me to him. Gratefully I nestle into his arms as we did long ago when dreams troubled both my brother and I. There was a soothing calm in those arms, reassurance that whatever ailed us would be chased away. That feeling remains. I let the calm flow over me while Ada waits patiently. I relate my dream to him. He nods with a grave face, taking in each detail, questioning me at points.

With a sigh he lets me finish before speaking. He holds my hand, looking to me.

“Elrohir,” he begins, ”this is the first real time you have been apart from your brother, it is natural that you fear for him. The same fears run through my thoughts when I watch the both of you ride away,” he halts to stroke my cheek, then looks to Glorfindel, “the same fear when I watch any ride off to protect our borders and beyond.”

I nod slowly. I have felt this only once. It took all the courage I had to let Elladan go, to watch, and keep watching until I could see no more. I had not thought what ache it would bring to me until that time he had vanished from my view. To lay upon our bed and not feel the warmth of him beside me, to not wake to his shining eyes gazing upon me.

I urge Ada to go, he has other matters to concern him than my fears. He looks back to me, promising food to be sent as they depart. I notice the touch his gives Glorfindel’s hand as they walk.

Then I sit on the edge of the bed to think on what I have dreamed. It is not a portent of the future Ada has said, not all dreams are and this I understand. Yet this I relive when waking, this dream that moves a little further with each nightfall. It is not the first time it has come to me. It is the first time I have dreamed the end of it.

I can see clearly the events in my mind as if, like my dream I am mute witness to them.

It begins once Elladan has left my sight. He rides with the company, the rays of Anor shining on him, his dark hair a shimmering curtain of silk, pulled back only by two braids. They are greeted heartily by the Rangers who are camped by the river awaiting them. I can hear their voices as Elladan hails friends, lowering his head when they ask of me. My brother explains my absence simply as Ada’s request that I remain in Imladris. There are frowns at this. It is well known that neither of us would willingly ride alone, none would remember at time when it was not so. Yet they do not question further, grateful no doubt that they have Elladan among them.

The elven brethren eat the food given and I smile at Elladan’s diplomacy in accepting and his attempt to hide the grimace as he takes respectful mouthfuls. Then the talk turns to what is ahead. Elladan brings forth the maps and plans that we and Glorfindel have prepared. Many hours were spent plotting from the information we have been given by those who roam the land in secret.

Elladan points to weak spots in the enemy’s strategy and to places where they will be most vulnerable. There is debate on how best to proceed, the Rangers less inclined to bide their time than the elves among them. I can see Elladan labour this point and another, striving to convince them that in the end they will have their battle and their revenge. There is compromise on both sides as the night wears on.

For nights this is where my dream has ended, with Elladan sleeping on the outskirts of the fire circle that has always been our want. The cooling embers light his face, the flickering highlighting his fine features. I wake from this with a sore heart. How I long for him, to reach out and touch his cheek, place a soft kiss on his parted lips as he sleeps.

I would be content with such a vision, yet in nights passed it has continued beyond this peace.

It begins anew with Elladan rising at first light. His eyes dart around the camp searching for like souls. As he does I see several of our troop wake and rise. They will go to the river before the men awake to bathe in seclusion. As Elladan nears the river bank he is unlacing his tunic, slipping off his leggings as he lays the clothing on the grass. He enters the water naked, hair loose about his shoulders.

In my dreams I feel my body respond to such a sight. The water sparkles as he dives beneath the surface to emerge slick and wet in the middle of the river. Little wonder I wake with the bedclothes clinging to my body. I yearn for him, to run my hands over his skin, to press my body against his. Soon however he leaves the water, dries and dresses, tying his hair back in preparation for battle. I would wish I was with him to braid his hair and tie his sword about his waist as he would do for me in one of the rituals that has become so much a part of the way we are.

It is later in the day that they come upon the first of the horde. The battle goes well, for the host have the upper ground and advantage of surprise. There is relief that none are lost in this. There are many traditions and superstitions that exist about the Rangers, foremost being the success of the first stand. That done they ride on. The next stage of the campaign is the more treacherous.

I know this and I shudder as I watch the breeze curl the curtains of our room. Elladan had argued long that this was the only way. I, with Glorfindel had attempted to curb his fervour as we debated. Ada had cast a wary eye over the plan, changing a little until we all were satisfied. Elladan had looked to me, and with a tight press of my lips I had looked back to him. He knew that had we designed to ride together I would not have opposed him so vehemently. I hoped it was not amiss of me to want to protect him. He had reached for my hand and held it fast in his, a silent reassurance that he understood and in my place would have done as much.

The images from my dream return, the sights and sounds that plagued me this night, that brought the anxious forms of father and mentors to my side.

I can see as clearly as I had in my dreaming. Elladan riding with sword raised in the forefront, first to engage the enemy as they are caught in what they had perceived to be a safe haven. The walls of stone rise high and it has taken elven skill to silence those who guarded its entrance. The images move swiftly, dizzying movement that has me even now grip at the covers of the bed. Then I see it as I had seen as I lay on the bed. The arrow that strikes my brother. As swift as the other sights have been this moves slowly. His sword is dropped as he is pressed from his mount, falling as a hand reaches out to hold him. I see his face as I saw it then, pale, streaked with mud and blood, blank eyes that gaze into emptiness. It is a vision I can not erase from my mind, it hangs within my conscious. I feel the tears fall hot on my cheeks, unheeded and uncaring, to the cold clamminess of my chest. I sit in stunned uncomprehension, unable and unwilling to think it true or imagining. I have seen Ada’s face when he heard my tale, and despite his words meant as comfort, his eyes betrayed him. He knows as do I that it is folly to dismiss what we see. The tears fall unabated as I curse that I can do nothing.

//Elrohir?//

The voice is clear. I stand, turning, certain. There is silence in a room empty but for me.

//Elrohir? Brother?//

Again I am sure, yet……

//Elladan, where?// I am frantic, I hear him, I cannot see him.

There is a soft touch in my mind. I close my eyes and he stands before me. His arm tied to his chest, the grime of battle still about him. Yet he smiles as he tentatively reaches out. I feel his fingers caress my cheek.

//Elladan// I sigh, my own hand on his arm, my head leaning to his touch.

How we have come to this I will not question. Times I have felt his thoughts and he mine, yet now we stand together, his thoughts mine, his touch as real as if he were with me.

//You weep?// he whispers, the tip of his thumb wiping them from my face.

//I had thought you lost// I reply, smiling through the ache that had consumed my heart.

He smiles back to me. //Nay// is his singular answer. I am pulled into a kiss so tender and gentle. A hand in mine and I am lead away from the campsite to a clearing beyond. There is the sound of water cascading over a rocky surface. As I stand I see why Elladan has brought us here. The light streams through between covering branches and as the water falls it catches the light. He smiles shyly to me as he slowly undresses. The bindings fall from his arm revealing the ugly red mark the mars his perfect form.

My finger touches his arm hesitantly, so few times have we seen each other injured in any way. He looks down, his hand covering mine. “’Tis better for your touch.” Both arms wrap around me, bringing me to him. I am laid gently on the grass beneath our feet as his mouth trails over my body. My skin tingles with delight, his hands in my hair, thumb brushing over my ear. He nudges apart my thighs to lie nestled between them. I feel the evidence of his need press to mine. As he flexes his hips I moan with the fire that engulfs me. I love this one who would love me.

//I love you// I hear echo in my thoughts. //More than can be told in words//

I urge him to make this love come alive for us here, mind and body unaccepting of the unreality of it. I can feel as he enters my body, smooth and slow, allowing both to grow accustomed to the fullness of it. When he moves, my breath is stolen from my body. He moves again, deeper quicker this time. I arch up to meet his thrust, surrendering to the one I trust in all things. He has my heart, it is little indeed to trust him with my body. We are in synchrony with each other, though our movements more erratic and our breathing more laboured as we reach the edge of bliss and fall, locked together beyond. His hand is still wrapped round my sated flesh as he presses a kiss to my lips. As my body reluctantly releases him, he comes into my arms to rest. His head on my chest, I stroke at his damp hair, trail a finger down his arm. He flinches a little then sighs, looking up to me.

//Why do you weep?//

I tell him of my dream as he lies with me. I feel again the touch of his fingers on my cheek to smooth them away. My eyes downcast when I speak of his fall. He nods, knowing, understanding.

//I would have fallen, but for him//

With a frown I hold him tighter to me, at once heart sore at his words.

//I am whole Elrohir, do not fear, do not let your mind think on what may have been//

It comes to Elladan now to tell his tale.

//It was as we supposed. They camped where they thought none could track them. They were trapped as you had predicted, Elrohir.// His voice washes over me as I feel his hand caress the back of my neck, fingers rubbing over the nape, brushing softly through my hair.

//Yet even so caught they were not without fight and though surprise was with us we were hard pressed. // Elladan continues his caresses, knowing how much it distress me to hear how he fought without me at his side.

//I did not see the archers until late. We had wheeled round to face them when the first volley was fired. I was struck as I fought those closer to us. I do not think they aimed in particular for me, they do not have accuracy but when they find their mark it is effective nonetheless. It was chance it struck while I held a sword in the other.// I touch his arm gently, he would bear a scar for weeks to come. He looks down.

//It was not poisoned, though the shaft was not cleanly made. There is no elegance in their weaponry as well you know. It tore at my flesh to remove though elven skill saw to it.// His lips find mine, the kiss is fierce, consuming, seeking to wipe the memory of the pain.

//I fell then, my arm numb, my hand unable to grip to any hold. They were on me before I found the ground to stand. My sword gone, there was little for me to do// I gasp at the image of my brother, thankful I had been spared that in my dreaming, for I could not have borne such a vision.

//And then he was there//

//Who, Elladan?// I ask, anxious to know the one who watches my brother with such diligence.

Elladan sighs.

//That I do not know. I have seen him, heard him speak, yet I do not know his name.//

//He is the one who defends us when we cannot//

Elladan nods. //Yes// he answers quietly, considering our benefactor.

//He cut through the throng to me, bringing me to my feet, placing a sword in my hand. After he came to me, saying nothing as he watched the arrow removed and the confirmation that it harboured no poison on its tip.// Elladan sighs once more.

//I sought to call to him, but he was gone as they bound my wound and none knew of his whereabouts after. I have sought him out, yet he is elusive.//

//Perhaps he is content to merely watch// I suggest. //I am grateful to him, to do what I cannot. To keep you safe until you return to me//

//I would have you by my side Elrohir. I would that I knew his name//

Elladan looks around us. //I must go beloved. Dawn is not far and we march south at first light, closer to Imladris and to you. This separation will not be for much longer.//

He stands, holding his hand to me that I gladly take. His arms wrap around me and there is one more lingering kiss before he dresses and leads us back to the edge of the camp. Already there are stirrings.

//I love you// he whispers.

//I love you Elladan// I reply.

My eyes open and he is gone from me. The covering on the bed is tangled around me, moist with passion’s aftermath. It has been but an illusion in our minds, yet I have felt every touch as if it were not, as if my brother were with me. We will not question how it is meant to be, my heart is soothed by the sharing of our bodies, by the knowledge that he is safe, strengthened by affirmation that we are not alone when apart. It will not seem so hard to bear, this separation of ours when my soul delights so in what can be offered.

I greet Ada heartily come the morning when I come to the table dressed and smiling. I see the puzzled bemusement of both he and Glorfindel as I sit.

“Elladan is safe,” I announce with no preamble, reaching for some bread and fruit, my appetite returned in full now I know the end of my dreams.

Ada nods in comprehension of my knowing, his hand on Glorfindel’s to assure him that I speak the truth and it is not some fancy I have convinced myself of to ease my pain. Ada will say nothing whilst we are among others. I return his gaze and affirm his question. I will have no secrets held from our father’s lover. Glorfindel will know the manner in which I have come by my lightening of heart.

Breakfast over, I feel the touch of my own lover in my mind and I smile.

//All is well brother// I reassure him happily, my hand resting on my stomach. //All is well// I repeat, hoping a little of what I feel has made its way to Elladan.

//I love you// I hear returned to me with the renewed promise that he will be home soon.