In Twilight

Chapter 20: Into the West
Summary: Elessar is gone, Arwen remains with her children. With a last longing look she bids farewell as her brothers and friends sail to meet her parents, regret far from her heart (Arwen‘s POV).

I stand alone on this shoreline, watching as the last of the white ships sails away. Years ago there were many, bearing away all those who wished to leave Middle-earth and journey into the Undying Lands. My father and grandmother were among those that left then; they left with the other Ringbearers, most of the Galadhrim and so many others. Since then, there hasn’t been a steady stream of ships leaving, but there have been some. All had white sails and gleamed silver in the sunlight as they glided over the water’s edge to a place I will never see. This one is the last of them. No more will come. And this ship bears away the last of my kindred who wish to leave, the last of my family.

The Sea breeze blows gently, cooling my skin which has been basking in the latemer mer sun. Soon winter will set in, and as I have these many years I will feel the cold. It is no longer a new sensation to me, for I have become accustomed to the feeling. I can still, however, remember a time when the change in seasons did not bother me, when I was unaffected by heat and cold. Those days are no longer. My hearing is still exceptional after so long; I can hear my son, Eldarion, shifting his feet behind me as he waits. Of the party that accompanied me to these shores, only he has remained; the others, including my daughters, retreated back to the campsite when they no longer could see the white sails of Círdan. But I see them still, and I will not leave, and Eldarion will not leave my side.

I turn briefly to gaze upon my son. He is so like his father as he gazes out at the waters in search of something he can no longer see. Like an elf he is, tall and slender in shape, his eyes sharp and his hearing equally keen. Those are his father’s eyes he stares out with though strands of raven black hair. Yet he is also a Man, strong and sturdy in stature, his chin shadowed by growing stubble. When did my son turn into a man? I do not remember, but I am proud of him. He is his father’s son, and now he is a King. He will rule his people and his land well, for he loves them immensely. Yet there is a longing in his eyes. Eldarion longs to see the lands of his immortal kindred, he longs to follow them though he knows he cannot. He has the same longing look in his eyes I had so many years ago, when I first saw the sailing of a ship.

The first time I saw a white ship sail into the West, it bore away my mother. She was weak at heart after her ordeal and did not wish to stay in the land of her birth any longer. We let her go, my father, brothers and I, knowing that she would heal in time, would become whole again. At that time, I had thought that I would one day meet her again, that I would be able to see her shining white beauty; as she had been when she was called the Silver Queen of Imladris. At that time I did not know what the future had in store for me. Now I know, and now I will never see my mother again--not in the flesh at least.

Ada, dear Ada, I do hope you found true peace over these long years since that fateful day. I know how much it distressed you to see Nana go. There was a time I thought I would lose you too, so grief stricken you were. But I did not lose you, and I have Glorfindel to thank for that. He showed you love again, Ada; he gave it to you freely, without question, without condition. And you accepted it, though I feared you would not. It was good to see you happy again, and I know you will be happy in Valinor. You had long spoken about the lands my forbearers traveled to, then left. You always said you wanted to see the Undying Lands for yourself, Ada, and now you have. I hope you have found true peace at last.

There is a glimmer upon the water that catches my eye. I know not what it is, but I gaze fixedly upon the white ship, which has become merely a dot on the horizon. Ata’da, Elladan, Elrohir, can you still see me? I could not join you on this last journey of yours. I do not regret my choice, but I wonder how it would feel to be standing upon that ship by your sides. Are you happy to be sailing to your new home with your bonded, Elladan? I still see your sad smile as you made your goodbyes; you were happy to go, yet were saddened that I could not join you. Be at peace, gwanur-nîn; you are going home, to your real home, and your love is with you. Legolas, brother of my heart, keep him safe, keep him happy. I wish you both well.

And you, Elrohir, how do you fare? You and Ata’da are going home to your lovers whom you have not seen in over a century. How you survived so long without your beloved Galadhrt yot your side, I will never know gwanur. Orophin was everything to you, and to be separated from him for so long must have left your heart all but shattered. Was it the knowledge that you would be united again that kept you going? Or the vows you exchanged and the bond that you share? All of it perhaps? I shall never know how you managed to survive such an ordeal. I had my love, and Elladan had his; we were never separated from our better halves for too long a time. You are truly the embodiment of strength, Elrohir.

“Nana?” I turn and find Eldarion at my side, no longer lingering behind me. A small smile creeps upon me as I hear the familiar term of my people he uses to call me. He need not speak to me in such a tongue for few left on Middle-earth understand it. But he does because he knows it comforts my heart, and because he likes the sound.

“You miss them,” he says simply. I nod and lean against him, against the frame so like his father’s. I will leave you one day soon, my child, but I know you are strong.

“Do you not wish to be with them?” Eldarion asks, gazing down at me. I do not look at him, not yet; my eyes are still fixed upon the white dot, which is growing smaller and smaller.

“I do,” I reply quietly. “But I have made my choice. I do not regret all these years, but I shall miss them. I shall miss my family, my kindred.”

“Can you not go with them, Na Ada Ada is gone.” My son swallows thickly and awaits my reaction to his latest words. I can only smile sadly, for his words are true in every sense, and motion him to continue. “There is nothing to bind you here, Nana. Why can you not take ship and be with your remaining family? Why must you remain behind whilst they all go? Why can you not be immortal and still live upon Middle-earth. Your brothers did, why can’t you? I do not understand.”

Oh my dear son! You do not understand the choice that has been placed before me, before those before me. The Peredhil are given one choice, and one choice only; we cannot go back on our decision. How to explain this to you? “Eldarion, do you remember the stories I used to tell you at nights when you were a child? The story of the love of Beren and Luthien, and the choice of my uncle, your ancestor, Elros Tar-Minyatur?” I wait for him to nod before continuing. “They made their choices just as I did. Luthien loved Beren with all her heart, deeply enough to give up her immortality tve, ve, love and be loved by Beren, a mortal. She could not bear to live once he passed from the world; she would not suffer it and preferred the gift of death to loneliness.”

“And Elros?”

“My father used to tell me about my uncle. Elladan once asked Ada why Elros chose to become mortal whilst our father became an elven-lord. Ada said that he chose immortality because he had only known wrong in the world at that time; he lived without parents, lived in the camp of Maglor, and whilst the son of Fëanor treated my father kindly, Ada wanted to know--wanted to see--some good in the world. He wanted to know true happiness, not the temporary fabrication he possessed at that moment. He wanted to see the changing times, and he wanted to record what he saw.”

“He was afraid of death.”

“No, my son. My father did not fear death, for he had seen much decay in his youth. He did not fear death, but he cherished life. Ada wanted to live and see life flourish, see it prosper and change. My father once said that the Valar had many miracles yet left to perform for the inhabitants of Middle-earth, and he wanted to see as many of them as he could before the Sea longing awakened and beckoned him back to the lands of his forefathers.
“But Elros was different. Ada said Elros wanted to understand how Men could live their lives knowing that one day they would die. He wanted to how how much happiness he could achieve in such a short time, how much he could accomplish before death drew his last breath from him. Elros wanted to leave a piece of himself in this land he loved so dearly, and to do that he intended to sire children who would become great. Not necessarily great in deeds and strength, but great in heart and compassion. Your father, my dear child, and you have lived up to his dream I believe. You were--are--both very stout of heart, courageous yet kind. I am proud of you.”

“But Nana, your choice…”

“Ah yes, my choice.” I take a deep breath, preparing to tell him all I have kept in my heart. Eldarion does not quite understand what Aragorn, my brothers and father accepted. “It is quite simple, Eldarion. I chose the way of Luthien and my uncle. I chose to live for love despite the loss. I felt that one life to cherish with all my heart was better than to live in agony and loneliness once my heart’s desire was lost. Therefore, I must stay, and one day pass from this world. I regret nothing, for this is my choice. And I have lived my life to the fullest; I will never regret.”

Eldarion ponders my words, yet I can see in his eyes that something still troubles him. “Nana, if you chose mortality, then how is it that my uncles can chose immortality, yet remain in Middle-earth all these years? Would not the Valar have taken their mortality as they did yours for remaining so long?”

“On the day of each of their bonding vows, my brothers told me they asked the Valar for permission to remain in this land until the day Aragorn and lon longer required their companionship. Elladan and Elrohir both have immortal lovers and would never leave their sides or pass into Mandos’ Halls from grief. While they loved deeply, they could not bear to leave your father, whom they loved like a brother, and I, ridding us of the rest of our family. My brothers wished to remain for a time to keep us company, and finish their own business.”

He is thinking again, my beautiful son. There are no more questions, for his eyes are filled with understanding. Yet I know he will always question my decision, but he shall never speak of it again. “I feel great joy mingle with a great sadness, Nana.”

“Do not dwell on those emotions, Eldarion. I was happy all these years. I am happy now, though I know I shall pass soon. The time of the elves is past; look to the future, my beautiful Eldarion.” He nods and folds and arm around me as I turn back to the Sea. The white ship is gone from my sight, but I remain watching the horizon for a few moments more.

I love you, my brothers. Be at peace in Valinor with the recipients of your hearts and our parents. Though I shall see none of you again, I wish you all well. I pray to the Valar that they grant you much joy and happiness. Remember me.

Translations:
Ada-Father
Nana-Mother
Ata’da-Grandfather
Gwanur-nîn-My brother