Vaniel, My Heart

Disclaimer: All familiar characters are owned by JRR Tolkien and are used without permission. No monies are being made from this work. Original characters are part of the story and owned by the author.

Vaniel, My Heart
by Sienna Dawn


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Chapter 18 - Whispers in the Night


Later, that same evening.....

Haldir was uncomfortable. He was not an eavesdropper by nature and had been about to reveal his presence, when he heard the Man speak Vaniel's name and instead had stilled.

That the Man desired Vaniel was not a surprise to Haldir, as he had seen Eodwyn openly admire her many times. But that he wished to wed Vaniel left Haldir deeply shocked. That another might wish to claim Vaniel was a thing Haldir had not considered. So deeply had he been immersed in his own wretchedness, that he had not given thought to Vaniel's future and happiness. Feeling a new wave of guilt wash over his spirit, and beginning to realize the futility of their situation, Haldir lost hope and instead began planning a new course of action, one that he felt was more suited for Vaniel. Asking the Valar to forgive him once again for his selfishness, Haldir settled back to watch the land before him.

His deep blue eyes surveyed the dark night as clearly as if it were day. He saw nothing and glanced to the west, where he knew Ramion had taken watch there, and would soon be relieved by Nithoniel. Elladan would himself relieve Haldir in three hours time. By then, dawn would be filtering through and then would they set off once more.

Haldir settled himself more deeply into the thick foliage of the large rowan and he placed his bow across his lap. His Noldorin knives lay concealed 'neath his tunic sleeves.

Hours passed and Haldir heard the nightsong of the whippoorwill, its eerie call echoing in the silent woods. He thought it early for the nightcaller to be about but gave it no more thought than that. His eyes gazed heavenward and in moments he was lost in thought, weighing matters in hand, considering alternatives, rejecting possibilities.

Just then, his keen hearing caught a soft breath and he narrowed his eyes. Below him, nearly a yard from where he hid, Haldir saw Vaniel step into the clear starlight.

He watched her from his position, not ready to reveal himself. He took in the slender column of her neck, the graceful way she moved, how the soft material of her cloak clung about her body, revealing its shape to his eyes. Turning 'round for him, Haldir could see the gentle swell of her bosom, and the soft and generous mouth he so longed to kiss again.

Closing his eyes, he fought the desire and longing beginning to stir within him. Although Haldir had planned on seeking her out that night, he had changed his mind upon learning of Eodwyn's aims and thought it best that Vaniel spend more time alone with the Man. He had not bargained that she, instead, would seek him out.

Just then, Haldir heard Vaniel's soft call.

"Haldir?" Her golden eyes searched above her head, scanning the trees. "I can hear you breathing," she mused and Haldir heard her gentle laugh.

Moving swiftly down, Haldir dropped lightly to the ground and stood before her. "That is impossible," he dryly commented.

Vaniel smiled, "Oh, have you forgotten already? I could...I could hear you breathing and I followed the sound." She knew this rankled him....to know she could track him so easily. She always could. And he knew it as well. That she was the only person, man, elf or dwarf who could track him made no difference. It still bothered him and he would never admit to it.

Vaniel laughed, and at this Haldir walked toward the trunk of the rowan and took up his position, his sharp eyes looking over the woods. Without turning to Vaniel, he spoke, "Came you here to disturb me or is there a real reason?" He did not conceal the humor in his voice. He was glad she was here and wished her to know it. A soft breeze caressed Haldir's hair and he turned swiftly to smile at Vaniel before turning back to his watch.

Vaniel grinned, "Nay, I could not sleep. I thought if I spent some time with you I may grow weary."

Haldir turned his head slowly toward Vaniel and arched a golden eyebrow. "Indeed?" His face serious but his eyes warm. He leaned against the sturdy tree, his great bow slung around his shoulders, his arms crossed. His eyes watched Vaniel languidly.

Vaniel nodded and sighed, feeling the weight of his stare and knowing a soft flush was creeping up her neck. She dropped to the ground and sat with her back against the wide trunk, Haldir still standing above her.

"Yes, indeed." She looked up at Haldir. "I recall your brothers explaining to me many times over how you possess the uncanny ability to put most people into a deep slumber." She was trying to keep the laughter out of her voice, in her mind replaying the many tales Rumil told her of Haldir and his brothers while the three kept watch in the woods of Lothlorien.

Glancing swiftly down at her, he smiled, "I see. So," he shifted his weight to another foot, again looking out at the woods, but very aware of her presence inches from him, "I am fit company only to make one sleep." He lowered his eyes to the top of Vaniel's head, open amusement in his voice. "What, I wonder, would Rumil say to that." Once again he raised his eyes to the woods before them.

Vaniel laughed out loud, "I daresay he would agree, for 'twas he told me how boring your stories were."

Haldir arched an eyebrow and looked down at Vaniel again, "Boring, I?"

Just as Haldir finished speaking, he thought he heard movement and let his sapphire eyes raise to the top of a certain sapling. He slowly brought his bow 'round to the front of his chest and held it close to him, ready to nock an arrow if need be. Suddenly, a grey owl flew from the sapling and dipped toward the ground, no doubt in search of a field mouse. Relaxing, Haldir slung the bow to his back again, and with arms crossed, turned his attention to Vaniel. He found she was staring at him in wide-eyed wonder. He realized she had not heard the owl before it sprang.

Desiring to set her at ease, he allowed himself to laugh, his eyes sparkling with mirth, "When next you meet my brother, remind him 'twas not my stories put others to sleep, but his insufferable love poetry, not to mention the dreadful squawking he calls singing."

At this piece of unknown information, Vaniel laughed openly, " 'Twould seem you have been much maligned." The night air caught her tresses and twirled them over her face, partially concealing her eyes. Reaching up, Vaniel pushed her hair back and found Haldir was still looking down at her.

Haldir chuckled, silently agreeing with Vaniel. He watched the night air play with her long hair, and for a moment he desired to reach down and feel its silky softness. They looked at one another for a moment, the laughter having died down and both were silent.

Vaniel spoke first, "Truly, Haldir, I came here tonight to..." Suddenly she was at a loss for words. Why had she truly come? Quickly, she thought. She saw he watched her calmly before lifting his great sapphire eyes to cover the land before them. Instinctively, she knew he was waiting for her to speak first. It was usually like this between them. He almost always gave her the lead.

She wanted to thank him for sharing his life with her, but she didn't know how to voice those sentiments and was afraid the words would sound shallow. Her eyes were serious as she gazed up at him. She noticed how the wind picked up strands of his golden hair and played with them before delicately placing the tendrils back onto his strong shoulders. Shoulders that she remembered were strong and well-defined.

Suddenly, Vaniel felt hot.

She came to her feet and stood beside Haldir, whose watchful gaze did not cease surveying the area. Gazing into the darkness, she asked him the one question which had been on her mind for months. "What do you in East Lorien, Haldir?" Her voice was soft and gentle, not demanding, simply inquiring.

Haldir sighed and he turned his head toward her. "I cannot leave Athryn for prolongued periods of time. She cannot withstand more than a few month's time with a Healer or anyone else for that matter. Save myself and Orophin. We are the only ones whose company she tolerates. Thus, do I care for her when I am there, and my brother takes my place when duties call me elsewhere." His eyes grew sad at the memory of Athryn's aberrant behavior.

Unnoticed by Haldir, Vaniel leaned closer to him and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Haldir of Lorien," she whispered, unable to contain herself any longer. She loved his presence, his lifeforce, his body heat, his personal scent. She loved everything about him, and she was finding it very difficult to stay away from him, and when near him to stay her hands from touching him, or her arms from embracing him. The emptiness she felt when she was separated from him was beginning to become almost intolerable, and Vaniel wondered how much more she could take before she blurted to Haldir what was in her heart.

Haldir turned and silently contemplated Vaniel. Reaching out, she allowed herself to touch one strand of his shining hair, looking into his eyes, "I love you, elen min." Her voice was soft and sweet, "I cannot help it."

Haldir's will and self-control suddenly collapsed, and he grasped Vaniel 'round the waist and brought her 'round to face him. His eyes gazed at her mouth and then her eyes, "Vaniel, long has it been since my heart felt other than despair." His eyes were dark on her face, and he could feel his body beginning to react. How could this elleth undo him with a simple touch and a few well-placed words?

But Vaniel seeing his hesitation, pressed, "Then, cannot you allow yourself to feel something other, even if for one brief moment?" Her breath came hot against Haldir's mouth, and her eyes challenged him.

Haldir smiled, nearly groaning from the effort to keep himself from taking her, "Nay, I would lose myself in your sweet mouth, and what if we're attacked?" His voice had lowered to an intimate tone she had not heard him use before. Vaniel shivered in Haldir's arms and he noticed her reaction to him.

Vaniel's eyes widened, "Surely, one kiss cannot so disrupt your senses?" She raised a hand and trailed a finger over his lips, seeing his eyes close briefly and then feeling his strong hand grip her wrist, pulling her hand away from his mouth.

Haldir released her slowly, knowing that there was great danger in this flirtation. Already, he could feel his body hardening, and knew from her heaving bosom that she was close to surrender. He would not press his advantage over her in this manner. Not with Vaniel.

Looking into her eyes, he instead said, "One kiss is never enough, my love, and you full well know this."

But Vaniel barely heard his response, save only that he had called her "his love". In her inexperience, she looked at him and asked, "Am I, Haldir?" She saw him frown, "Am I your love?"

Haldir smiled, suspecting this was in part the reason why the light of uncertainty had shown in her face earlier that day. His heart melted at the innocence and desire mingled in her eyes, her trust in him, the love she so openly offered. He wanted her, he loved her, but he would not doom her. Yet, her simple words had done more for the healing of his soul than a hundred Healers ever could have. He decided to show her, without doubt, how he felt.

Grasping Vaniel by the waist once more, Haldir brought his mouth down over hers and kissed her sweetly, lightly, not daring to deepen the kiss. But his body tightened and it demanded more, and for one brief moment Haldir let himself pretend that there could be more, that eternity might be theirs one day. These thoughts lead him to deepen the kiss, much against his better judgement, and he kissed her mouth with sweet abandon, a slow honeyed kiss that bespoke of tenderness, longing and promise.

Breaking the kiss and cupping her face with one hand while the other caressed her hair, Haldir gave Vaniel the words she longed to hear, "You are my love and my heart, never forget this. No matter what is placed before us, Vaniel." His eyes searched hers, "Never forget that you are my heart, and where you go there goes my heart with you."

Vaniel felt such happiness at the words that her face shone from its light and Haldir saw this. She touched his face in wonderment, wishing to stay with him, so that she could show him she knew, as he did, how to love from afar. She knew he was afraid for both of them. Afraid of dishonoring her before their people and in the eyes of the Valar. She knew his oath to be faithful to Athryn was slowly driving him mad and that her presence sometimes made things more difficult for him. She understood these things, but she also wanted to ease his loneliness.

Yet, Haldir who was nearly four thousand years old, and had lived enough lifetimes to have seen what most would not, knew that Vaniel's inexperience blinded her to life's many injustices, and that she still wore the mantle of idealism that he had shed long ago. He knew that declaring his love for her openly may doom her, but he also knew that doubt would kill her spirit. He was fully aware of what he needed to do, to save her from a life of misery by his side. For this he knew too: that the weight of the world's ages made an elven heart no less susceptible to pain and suffering, and he did not wish to see her pine in anguish. And so he had decided that her path lay not with him, but elsewhere and he prayed that the Valar guided her safely away from him, no matter how his heart broke in the process.

Pushing Vaniel gently away from him, Haldir turned her back toward camp, "Now, sweet bird, is the time for you to rest, for I must return to my tree." Giving her one last look, Haldir leapt toward the strong branches, and in moments Vaniel found herself alone.

Whispering a "good night" above her head, Vaniel found his bright gaze intently watching her from the gnarled treetop.

Slowly, she walked back to camp, the stars sparkling above her and in her heart she knew that one day Haldir of Lorien would be hers....no matter what it took.

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Key:

elen min = my star


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