The Probability Factor

Chapter Eighteen-Denial Is A River In Egypt

(Dialogue in italics, is spoken Sindarin)

I was dreaming I was walking down Davie Street with Haldir and a little boy holding my hand. The little boy was about three or four and had a mop of unruly blond hair and blue-green eyes. I knew he was ours. The sun shone brightly down on us as we stopped at an ice-cream place to get a cone. The little boy got some on his shirt, but Haldir helped him clean it up as he led us to a bench across the street to sit down on. We watched traffic ebb and flow, and our son finished his cone, and crawled up on Haldir, playing with his long hair. Haldir leaned over and began kissing my ear, then moved to my jaw, nibbling gently on my skin. Our son laughed as he tugged on Haldir’s neck.

His kisses became more intense, as my body lit on fire from his caress. I moaned as his lips found my mouth and his tongue parted my lips, delicately seeking out the nooks and crannies of my mouth. The scene began to fade away and I found myself waking to the deep kisses of my husband.

Looking down into my eyes, Haldir smiled, “Good morning my love.”

“Morning,” I said groggily, “Keep doing what you were doing. It was a nice way to wake up.”

Haldir leaned back in and started to kiss me again. His hair fell around him, creating a cocoon, hiding our faces from view as he kissed me. I felt his hands slide over my skin and under my nightdress. My body was already on fire from his previous kisses, and I arched into his hand as he cupped my breast and stroked my nipples. Haldir pulled away from my mouth for a moment as he pulled my nightdress over my body, and tossed it on the end of the bed. I yanked his bottoms off his hips and Haldir pulled them off the rest of the way. As he came back up from under the covers, I felt him stop over my crotch, his breath caressing my mons and making me squirm. A finger stroked my nether lips and, parting them, dipped inside me. A second soon followed, and the stroking found the hot spot as I wriggled in pleasure. My breath became pants as his tongue laved me, and I shoved my arm across my mouth as the sensations threatened to overwhelm me. I tossed my head back and forth in the burgeoning ecstasy that build with every lick and stroke. Haldir pressed his free arm across my belly to stop my writhing, but the pressure built and I arched as the feelings grew more intense. Falling over the edge, I cried out as the climax crashed over me. I shook against Haldir’s body, as the tremors subsided.

Haldir took that opportunity to plunge inside of me, and I contracted against the intrusion. His initial thrust was fast, but the rhythm he continued was slower and more deliberate. My body adjusted to his rhythm, and soon we were both panting with the building climax. Haldir sped up his thrusts and I met him with a parry of my hips to every thrust of his. I watched him, intently focus on me, and lost myself in his eyes. He kissed my face as he sped up even more. My body collapsed with the onslaught of the climax, Haldir soon followed with a bellow, his thrusts erratic and frenzied. Pulling out, he fell to the side of me, and we let our bodies shudder to a stop. We dozed for a short while as we let our bodies cool down from the exertion.

After our lovemaking, and subsequent rest, we got ourselves together and dressed after washing ourselves as best as we could in the wash basin. We had slept through breakfast, but were a bit early for midday meal, so we decided to wander through the Royal Garden to kill time. As we entered the gardens, I spotted Glorfindel over in a corner near the parapet. Haldir smiled and told me to go over and talk to him, as his brother had just wandered in and he wanted to speak to him about an event later that day.

As I sat down, Glorfindel smiled at me, “You were very quiet last night.”

I laughed, “You were not in your room this morning.”

Glorfindel raised his brow and laughed, “I am happy you are not shy about lovemaking. There is nothing to be ashamed of in expressing your love.”

I blushed, “Haldir trained me out of that. I wanted to ask you something though. It is why I sat down.”

“Yes?”

“Are you sailing with Lord Elrond?” I asked.

“I am,” he told me, curiosity in his eyes.

I looked around the walled garden as I gathered my thoughts. Small trees were lined in rows in large stone boxes, with grass and winter flowers wrapped around the bases. Along the parapet, a long single stone box was lined with more flowers, their subdued colours almost opaque against the cold grey skies. I pulled my wrap around me tighter and looked back at Glorfindel.

“I am concerned my husband will not sail,” I admitted, “I do not want him to fade.”

Glorfindel took my hand and held it in his own, “He is bound to you. If he left he may not survive in Aman.”

I sucked in a breath. Not survive in Aman? How could that be?

“Aman does not guarantee survival of a bonded mate who will never see their partner again. Sorrow has taken many of us from the welcome arms of the living,” he ruefully replied to my unspoken words.

“How do I save him?” I anxiously asked, as I watched Haldir laugh across the garden at something his brother said.

Glorfindel looked sad, “You cannot.”

“That is not an acceptable answer,” I told him sternly. I could not lose hope. Haldir had to survive. I needed him to survive. I would sacrifice myself to save him.

“Do not even think that. There is no need to tempt fate,” he warned me, “Does the Lady Galadriel know about your need?”

“Yes. As does Mithrandir and I believe Lord Elrond as well,” I affirmed.

Glorfindel’s head tipped to the side as he mulled this news over, “If they are all involved, I am sure something can be worked out. You will not lose your love.”

I sighed and hoped it would be true. Glorfindel shook my hand, “Now I have a question to ask you. Will you explain the tenants of Buddhism to me again? I see such a clear logic, and it makes me curious.”

We spent the rest of the morning before the midday meal call, discussing the main principles of Buddhism, and the difference between the layman’s practice of Buddhism and the philosophical theology. He found the intricate cosmology built around Buddhism interesting, but found it too complex to mesh well with the theology. I explained the genetic tendency to believe in a being higher than ourselves and explained it was built into our DNA, which really piqued his interest. I couldn’t tell him about more than the rudiments of DNA, as I was a Humanities major in college, not Science.

Once the announcement for lunch was made, we parted to go into the dining hall. It was good to get back into a warmer building after the cold air outside. I should’ve brought more than my wrap, but I was a bit distracted when Haldir and I left our room. The meal served at lunch was hearty fare, a thick beef stew, breads and cheeses, along with wine and fruit juice. I think they added that because I don’t drink, but then I wasn’t sure. I noticed a few elves partake of the juice, so I didn’t know if it was their idea for their own palates. Glorfindel was seated with some of the elves from Imladris, but every now and again, would shoot me a concerned look. I guess I looked like a bit of a sour puss, because Haldir finally asked me about it.

“My love, you have been looking quite pensive. What is the problem?”

I didn’t want to lie to Haldir, but I also didn’t want to start an argument either, so I opted for the middle ground. Denial. “Nothing. Just pensive,” I avoided.

Haldir laughed, “My love, I know you too well, what has you like this?”

“Baby, I really don’t think you want to get into this right now,” I warned. The dining hall had cleared out some, but there were still many people milling around.

Haldir looked askance at me, and with knowledge dawning on his face, he helped me up and hurried me back to our quarters. Once the door was closed and bolted, he turned to me with an angry look on his face.

“You want me to sail,” he said bluntly.

“Well, yeah,” I said as his face got darker, “But now I’m not so sure. Glorfindel was telling me that you could fade in Aman too.”

Haldir let the anger drain from his face, “Yes, I can. That is why I need to remain by your side.”

“But I don’t want you to fade period!” I exclaimed, getting frustrated at being between a rock and a hard place.

“Darling, I know you do not, but you have no choice. I am bonded to you. I will fade upon your death. It is just the way things are,” he soothed.

“Not good enough Haldir. Entirely unacceptable. I want a solution to this. I cannot abide this situation any further!” I almost stamped my foot in irritation.

Haldir pulled me to him, “I know. I know. Perhaps the Valar will give us a solution to our dilemma.”

“I hope so,” I mumbled into his chest. This was not a happy situation at all.

I was still tired from the late night, and we went to bed to nap and make love until dinner. Haldir was hoping I would become pregnant soon, even though I was afraid to become pregnant, in case I did not see the child reach their majority. There were so many worries I had about this life I had chosen, and I wasn’t sure what to do about any of them.

The weeks passed and soon it was time to leave and visit Rohan. Winter Solstice was celebrated in Minas Tirith, which was fun, but also filled with sadness. We had to move on at the end of January as King Eomer was expecting us. The plan was to hit Rohan and Edoras, and then move on to Eryn Lasgalen to bid goodbye to King Thranduil. Haldir had told me that Thranduil would most likely sail when Celeborn sailed, as he had become quite attached to Arda, and there were even rumours that he wouldn’t sail at all.

I wasn’t looking forward to the ride, as my bottom had gotten used to not being pounded by a hard saddle for hours a day. I envied my husband, who could ride for days without a saddle, and still jump off the horse and not be fatigued. I wished I was an elf, and then all my problems would be solved. I could move to Aman with Haldir, we could have children and everything would be fine. But that was a pipe dream. The Valar wouldn’t see fit to grant me elfhood. I wasn’t one of the first peoples of this planet. I was part Cree on Earth, but that didn’t count here. No one cared that I was First Nations, least of all the Valar.

Our goodbyes were fraught with emotion for Elrond and Galadriel. I knew it was breaking their hearts to say goodbye to Queen Arwen and King Elessar. Elrond just seemed to disappear inside himself as the sadness engulfed him. Galadriel was a bit more pragmatic, but not by much. I could sense their sadness, and it made me even more aware of the situation between Haldir and myself.

We rode to Rohan just after the end of January, off into the cold wintry weather. The King and Queen had gifted me with blankets and coats of fur to keep me warm, as Haldir had made their staff aware of my mortal needs. I was full of trepidation about Rohan and its inhabitants.

Little did I know how much of an adventure Rohan would be.