Vaniel, My Heart

Disclaimer: All familiar characters are owned by JRR Tolkien and are used without permission. No monies are being made from this work. Original characters are part of the story and owned by the author.

Vaniel, My Heart
by Sienna Dawn


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Chapter 16 - A Tangled Web

The Prancing Pony....outside Vaniel's chamber....

Haldir leaned against the sturdy door, his breathing ragged, and closed his eyes.

What had he done to her? His mind screamed, spitting accusations. "Seducer!", it screamed. "Hypocrite and seducer!", his mind relentlessly chanted.

Passing a hand over his eyes, he heard half muffled sobs coming from behind the closed door and he resolutely walked toward his chamber and opened the door.

Stepping inside the gloom, Haldir dressed silently, his heart still beating wildly, his body betraying him and replaying in his mind the scenes of minutes before. Groaning in self-deprecation, Haldir collected his gear and made toward the door. Just then, he turned as he felt a pair of eyes boring into his back.

From the gloom came the grey light of Elladan's eyes. Without a word, Haldir turned, opened the door and slipped outside.

Passing Vaniel's room, he heard her quiet sobs but determinedly made his way down the stairs, crossed the empty tavern and out the front door.

The cold air of night hit his face squarely and he was glad for it as the frigid winds helped clear his head. Walking to the stables, he sat on the straw-covered floor, thinking and pondering.

A long time later, Haldir came to a decision and he raised his eyes to the window where he knew Vaniel's chamber was. Straining his hearing, he no longer heard her sob. Nevertheless, he knew she deserved an explanation. She deserved to know the truth of his life. For to do otherwise now would surely drive a wide gulf of distrust between them, and this was a thing he would not forgive himself for.

And so, Haldir returned to The Prancing Pony, his steps not as confident as usual, but still determined. Walking up the stairs, he came to stand before the chamber door and knocked gently. From inside came a muffled, "Yes?" and slowly Haldir opened the door.

Haldir realized he had been wrong when he thought Vaniel no longer wept. In the dark of the room, he could still see her clearly, and noticed her deep golden eyes were red from weeping, brilliant tears filling them and spilling to her cheeks. Her face held anguish and pain and when she saw it was Haldir, she waited with a near defiance in her eyes.

Haldir stepped inside the room, but did not close the door. He slightly cocked his head, with his eyes asking permission to enter.

Vaniel nodded and only then did Haldir close the door.

Haldir stood, watching her, seeing the wretched unhappiness in her eyes, and quietly waited. Whatever Vaniel deemed he deserved, he would hear out.

But if Haldir expected a furious outburst he was mistaken, for Vaniel's heart was too bruised to feel anger. Instead, she felt a deep anguish beginning to take hold of her heart and in her pain she did not wish to argue. So, in silence she waited for Haldir to speak, her amber eyes reflecting the hurt in her heart.

Several minutes passed in silence, each staring at the other, Vaniel's eyes overflowing and tears slipping down her face. Knowing he was the cause of her hurt, realizing she felt rejection at his bizarre behavior, Haldir shook his head slowly and spoke quietly, his voice deep and solemn.

"Forgive me." Was all he could say at first, for the knot of anguish in his throat stopped him from saying more. Haldir's sapphire eyes clouded in pain and he took a few steps toward Vaniel.

He saw her eyes close and the tears spill. "What did I do, Haldir? What did I say?" Was her ragged question, and her eyes focused on him, their fire now a muted ember of gold.

Haldir winced at the pain in her voice and in her eyes. Knowing he was the cause, he sighed and said, "You did nothing, sweet Lady, save give hope to an old, weary heart." His eyes began to feel the sting of tears but he cleared his mind. He was afraid to let loose the tight reins of his emotions. Hadn't he already hurt her?

And yet, Haldir knew Vaniel deserved the truth. The reason why he walked away from the sweet embrace of her mouth and body. The reason why they could never be together. Perhaps, he reflected, once she knew the truth of his life, Vaniel would be free to find love elsewhere.

And so, Haldir walked to a chair near the bed and there sat, while Vaniel from the bed watched him in silence.

Looking at her in the dark, Haldir began, forcing his voice to sound steady, although his heart for the first time in his life knew fear.

Haldir began the tale. "It began many years before the War." He sighed, remembering, "Years before you came to us." His eyes watched Vaniel's face. She could see the pain there, but she said nothing.

"We met as children, Athryn and I. She dwelled in Imladris, and kin also in Lorien and often would her family visit that fair land. Many were the summers that I and my brothers spent in her company, riding, swimming and counting the stars. Our friendship was strong and thus did the years pass. But as the darkness spread throughout the world, did the roads to Lorien and Imladris grow unsafe and then was Athryn forced to remain in Caras Galadthon, without seeing her kin." Here Haldir stopped the tale and ran a hand over his eyes.

Sighing, he continued, "We grew closer, as the bonds of friendship turned into something deeper. Or at least so I thought. Neither of us were young, Vaniel, and what I mistook for love was, I now see clearly, deep affection and loyalty. We rarely disagreed and had many interests in common. But as War loomed yet again, Athryn wanted a deeper commitment and I was loath to disappoint her." His eyes contemplated Vaniel and he saw in her face the beginning of an emotion he could not yet define.

As Vaniel silently watched Haldir in the darkness, he began again, "As is our way, we declared our mutual desire to wed. Athryn's parents were agreeable and as my own were passed from the world, the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn stood in their stead. The declaration was made and we exchanged rings." Haldir now looked down at his left hand where no silver band was visible.

Closing his eyes, Haldir continued the tale, "For a year were we to be betrothed and then pledge our vows one to the other. My heart was at peace, Vaniel." and at this point he looked at her, the amber eyes now calm and expectant, devoid of anger or blame. But he knew her heart would change and turn against him once she heard the full story.

"My heart was at peace, " Haldir continued, "although war raged around us. Celeborn knew, as I did, that Sauron would attack Lorien or Mirkwood and we made ready." He paused for a moment.

Haldir lowered his gaze toward Vaniel's face when he next spoke, "We elves tried to go on with the pace of our lives and so, when the Lady Undomiel made plans to return to Imladris, Athryn bade her leave to travel with that compnay, for long had she been sundered from her own kin." Haldir drew a long breath.

Now the memories were coming back quickly and he told the tale rapidly, afraid he would lose his sanity if he slowed down and let the pain back in, pain that had once almost overwhelmed him.

"She begged me to go," Now his sapphire eyes turned infinitely sad at the memory of their heated argument, "but my duties were elsewhere. Orcs and Goblins pressed deeper and daily trespassed the southern fences of Lorien. I knew, as did Celeborn, that these were only preliminary raids. They were testing us, testing our mettle. If the sourthern fences fell, then Thranduil stood open and defenseless. The safety of the Golden Wood was my responsibility. I was Celeborn's second in command. I could not go. But Athryn did not understand and I knew in her heart there was disappointment. Yet, she never made comment one way or the other and in my place traveled Rumil." Here Haldir stopped and took a deep breath, before continuing.

"All fared well on the journey to Imladris, but on the return to Lorien were they attacked. Of the entire company nearly all vanished or perished, save two who returned injured to Caras Galadthon. Rumil survived his wounds, but the other did not. Then did we learn of the fate of that fair company, for they were taken deep into Moria and not heard of again."

As Vaniel listened, her heart beginning to comprehend a great many things, she watched Haldir's face and saw the anguish there. But she did not stop him, for she did not think he could be stopped now.

"My brothers and I, along with Athryn's brothers, searched for the lost company, and we found some, their bodies littering the fields as if the enemy wished to leave a trail for us to follow. Weeks later, our hopes faded, we turned back to Lorien. And it was on our return that we heard her, stumbling blindly in the woods of south Lorien, near Moria."

Vaniel saw Haldir's face contort with the memory, and she heard his ragged voice speaking softly, "She was hurt and bruised, but her eyes.....it was her eyes." Here, Haldir stopped and closed his own eyes, lowering his face. His voice was barely a murmur now. "They had ravaged her, many times over. She was delirious, speaking not in our tongue, but repeating something we knew not. When we tried to approach her, she ran from us, tearing her arms and legs on the branches of the trees, threatening to throw herself from the talans. In this manner we watched her for several days, sending word back to Lorien that mind healers were needed. And when they came, even they could not reach Athryn. I tried many times, but my voice made her weep and wail and so I stayed back. Even her own brothers could not approach her. It was Orophin who finally brought Athryn back and led her home, the rest of us following at a safe distance, for any closeness to us sent Athryn into a frenzy."

Haldir sat up in the chair and looked at Vaniel. He crossed his arms and went on. "The Healers could not bring her back, nor could the power of Galadriel or Celeborn. All said her mind had been touched by the dark will of Sauron and she had lost herself. Soon, the War began in earnest and Athryn's brothers fell against Sauron's armies. But then we learned that Athryn's body carried a child." He stopped here to collect his thoughts.

In a moment, he continued, "How this was possible not even Galadriel knew. Perhaps in her torment, Athryn had wished away the agony of her suffering and desired in her mind a fantasy that came all too true...perhaps in her mind she wished that it was my body who had joined with hers and not the foul creatures that violated her." Here Haldir's voice broke and lowered his eyes to the floor, fighting to maintain his composure.

Vaniel's eyes were full of tears at the tale of the horrible tragedy that Haldir was slowly unfolding before her.

"Athryn did not want the babe, and who could find fault with this?" Haldir's eyes met Vaniel's, and there she saw so much grief. She watched his face as he continued, his voice gentle, almost rhythmic as if he were telling the story by rote. "She tried to lose it many times. But in the ripeness of its time, was the child come into the World." Here Haldir paused and sighed.

"It was clearly an Orch child, but it had elven features as well. Curiously, there was no trace of darkness in the child's spirit, but many in Lorien believed it to be cursed. Both Galadriel and Celeborn accepted the child within the Golden Wood so long as no darkness or shadow lay within its heart." He raised his eyes toward the window and continued.

"I heard of the babe's birth while on sentry patrol on the skirts of Moria and raced back. But I arrived too late, for in her mind fever had Athryn taken the babe and thrown it into the blessed Nimrodel. There did we find his body days later."

Haldir turned to Vaniel, "The Lady of Light was much grieved that such an act could happen within the Golden Wood, but such times brought darkness everywhere and she condemned not Athryn. The babe was buried close to the banks of the river, where we had first found him. Now, Athryn's mind became unhinged, and she took to running in the woods alone, sometimes nude, dancing to silent tunes only she heard in her mind." He looked at Vaniel, but she sat still, watching him.

"By the time we learned of your disappearance, Athryn's parents released me from the bond of our betrothal, since it was clear to all that their daughter was no longer in control of her own will. This was deemed," Haldir sighed deeply, "best for all."

Now, Haldir left the chair, and came to stand before the chamber window, his blonde hair concealing his profile from Vaniel's view. His voice soft in the darkness, "But I found I could not simply walk away and leave Athryn. So, I refused to be released, and hoped that she would be healed in the Undying Lands." He sighed and turned away, back to the chair, where he heavily sat down.

"But even that was not to be. When Athryn's parents sailed for the Straight Road, she too sailed with them. But their path was blocked, for they found not the way to the West. So their ship returned to the harbor. Many times did they try to pass to the West, and each attempt to find the Straight Road was met with failure. It seemed the Lords of the West would not open the way for Athryn. Then, her parents came to me, and telling me of this, I realized that indeed Athryn was my charge and that she would remain with me, so that her family could pass in peace to the West."

His eyes turned to her face. "And so it was, that they took the Straight Road and I remained to look after Athryn's well being. By then," Haldir searched Vaniel's face, "I had pledged my oath to Eryniel to find you, no matter how long it took. I had failed once, I would not fail again."

Haldir leaned his head back against the chair, his eyes closed. And then he seemed to recover some inner strength, for he straightened and gazed into Vaniel's eyes.

So much suffering she saw there, so much longing too. Vaniel's heart reached out to Haldir and in an instant she had fled the bed and dropped on the floor before him, her head resting on his lap.

In confusion, Haldir looked down at the dark brown curls that framed Vaniel's face. This he had not expected. He took a deep breath, the pain in his chest constricting his lungs, making it difficult for him to breathe.

Vaniel raised up her head upon hearing his sigh of grief and looked at Haldir.

"Oh, Haldir," her voice soft as velvet, compassion in every word. "There is no fault here, only sadness and tragedy. You have done no wrong."

Haldir frowned and looked down at Vaniel, his hand coming to caress the top of her head, "Vaniel, I had no right to take you into my arms, to blind you to the truth of my life. I have no right to anything except my duty to Athryn." His eyes, infinitely sad, searched Vaniel's face. He saw there love and forgiveness, acceptance and patience. But he knew she had not yet understood the full meaning of his actions. Not yet....when she did, he knew she would turn from him.

Vaniel sat up, still watching Haldir's face. "Haldir, you were released from your bond. What happened was not your doing. It was outside of your ken." She saw him close his eyes and turn his face. Raising herself, she forced him to look at her, taking his chin and turning his face to hers.

" 'Twas her family who erred, for it was not your responsibility to remain to care for her." Vaniel's amber eyes flashed.

But Haldir half smiled, " Parting from their daugher was more painful for them than even I anticipated. Her family put off passing to the West for many years, but the call of the Sea was too strong for them. There was naught else to do. Athryn could not pass to the West. Were they to remain and suffer as well? An entire family, who had lost every one of their beloved children? How could I, alone and unfettered, stand unmoved by this greater tragedy? There was naught else to do, but for me to remain with Athryn and care for her. Since she could not pass to the West, neither would I until my duty by her was done." He watched her as he added the last sentence, waiting for the full import of its meaning to sink in. And when it did, Vaniel finally understood what Haldir was trying to tell her. But her response was as unexpected as summer hail.

"Then, " Vaniel's eyes burned with determination, "will I abide by your side, until all the ages of this world are spent."

Haldir sat stunned. This he had not expected. His sapphire eyes searched her honey-colored ones. He realized she meant every word she had uttered. Of course, he could not allow this. He shook his head slowly.

Standing, Haldir raised Vaniel from her knees and brought her before him, his blue eyes sad. "Nay," he shook his head. "This is not your fate. This is mine. I will not let you waste your life waiting for thing that will never be."

Vaniel frowned in confusion, "I do not understand, Haldir."

Haldir sighed, "Vaniel, I cannot be husband to you, nor you my Lady." His eyes watched the golden pools of her eyes as she studied him.

"Mean you that you and Athryn...." she left the question unspoken.

But Haldir shook his head, "Nay, the marriage was not consumated. It never came to that. We were friends, but there was no passion, no desire...not...." His eyes flared once in memory of the taste of her and he broke away from her, coming back to the window, his back to Vaniel.

In seconds, Haldir felt the heat of Vaniel's body behind him and he closed his eyes, his breath beginning to grow uneven. When she spoke, Haldir could feel her warm breath against his hair.

"Then there was no marriage under our laws. You are not bound."

Abruptly Haldir turned to face Vaniel. So quickly did he spin, that she stumbled toward him and brought her hand to his chest to stop the fall. The touch on his body sent his heart reeling and Haldir stepped quickly away from Vaniel, noticing the sudden pain this brought to her eyes.

His mouth set in a firm line, Haldir said, "Would you break our laws? I am bound by oath to care for Athryn, whether she be wife to me or not. And two Ladies I cannot have 'neath my roof. Do you not see the impossibility of the situation for us?"

Slowly, Haldir shook his head and looked at Vaniel. His voice was a whisper, "There cannot be hope, Vaniel, for I am bound by oath to Athryn for all the ages of the world."

He turned away from her, "As she cannot pass to the West, so shall I also remain in the World." Haldir's voice was sad and still. "And you cannot bind yourself to me. Not like this, not without hope."

But Vaniel was not deterred and hugged him from behind. "Listen to me, Haldir." and with this she circled 'round him. She saw his eyes lowered to meet hers and she raised her hand to caress a cheek. "I will give my bond to whom I will and I give it to you. Whether I am to remain in the world of Men or pass to the West is still a choice before me." She felt Haldir lean his cheek against her hand and she smiled tenderly. Perhaps her words might reach past the wall he had erected around his heart.

"But this I know." And she brought her hand up to his brow and caressed his face, "Look at me," she asked him and was instantly rewarded with the bright sapphire of his eyes. "This I know," she repeated. "That I love you as I love the stars and that I will be by your side in this world or any other, for you are my path, Haldir. You are the road the Valar would have me follow, and so where you go, there shall I be, at your side, as friend, liege or lover. It matters not to me...save to be with you."

Haldir was not ready for this and he tried to break away from Vaniel, but her arms held him fast. Having no choice but to look into her eyes, he finally let the ice in his heart melt. He felt a terrible sadness come over his spirit, at the sacrifice this elleth would make for love of him. He felt so many things, all at once, each emotion touching his spirit and leaving tendrils of uncertainty, disbelief, relief, and most of all, love mingled with despair.

"Is this truly happening", Haldir thought as he looked upon Vaniel's uplifted face. Was Vaniel prepared to sacrifice herself for him? And would he permit this? Haldir's thoughts swirled in his mind in a whirpool of confusion, doubt and yearning.

Vaniel watched in amazement as a plethora of emotions played upon Haldir's face. Without caring that she saw him in his weakest moment, Haldir raised his fair face to Vaniel. Eyes that were a dark pool of brilliant sapphire blue, now dulled by pain, gazed at her in silence. Vaniel smiled reassurance.

"What did you believe, my love? Did you think I would turn my face from you? Condemn you? Accuse you? Have you not done that well enough to yourself?"

Unable to speak, Haldir caressed Vaniel's hair and managed a small smile. Placing her head on his strong chest, Vaniel sighed and held him tightly.

They stood like this until they felt reassured that their emotions were under control, neither speaking, instead savoring the warmth of the other's body. No thoughts of desire entered their hearts, for their spirits were bruised and yet fragile from the revelations of that night.

After a while, Haldir led Vaniel to bed and bid her lay down. This she did, and reached her arms out for Haldir, who knelt beside the bed and tenderly placed his head on her bosom. While he felt her soft caress on his hair, Haldir did much thinking, pondering on the situation, her declaration of love and fealty to him, as well as his own heart in the matter. Not long after did Vaniel finally rest her mind, and the haze of sleep covered her open eyes. Realizing she slept, Haldir removed himself away from her and sat in the chair, watching Vaniel sleep until the first light of dawn broke. Then did he silently stand and leave the chamber for the Stable.

Through this night did the Valar look upon Haldir and Vaniel, and though their path was still not smooth, was Elbereth watching and protecting them.

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Key:

Lords of the West = the Valar

elleth - young female elf