When least expected

Chapter fifteen dark dreams

Elladan and Elrohir were happy to be in Lothlóriën again. They had delayed their trip for too long, it seemed.

The beauty of the forest had not diminished by Galadriel’s departure as they had always feared. Now that they were waiting for their grandfather to arrive, they were wondering why.

But suddenly Elrohir released a pleased yelp. “Of course, that’s it. It has to be.” Elladan groaned. “Elrohir, are you going to let me in or are you just going to ramble like that?”

“But Elladan, don’t you see? It’s so simple if you think about it.” Elladan shook his head. At times he really did not understand his twin. “Think about what?”

“It’s quite normal for the st tst to look this great.”

Elladan’s eyes widened. “Is it? I was always under the impression Galadriel and the woods were one.” “Aye, they were.” “And therefore it is logical that the trees glow in her absence?” Elladan was silently wondering if his twin had gone insane.

Elrohir’s smile widened even further. “Aye, it is. Just relate it to us.” “What???”
“Elladan, don’t be this slow. Remember when Nana left?” Elladan shook his head. “What does Nana’s leaving have to do with this.” He waved his arm around, pointing to the forest around him.

“When she left who did we turn to? Who’s impnce nce increased for us?” “Adar, Glorfindel and Erestor of course. But what…” Suddenly Elladan understood the point Elrohir was trying to make. “You’re saying the forest now is close to ata’da instead. Because Galadriel left they turned to Celebron instead.”

Elrohir nodded and beamed. “Aye, that’s what happened. It’s happening to us as well. We hardly call Galdadriel nanethna, but we hardly use ata’da’s name.” Elladan laughed. “We never did, Elrohir. We always preferred our grandfather to our grandmother.”

“How true. And when you were busy keeping me from work, your sister was driving Galadriel crazy.” The twins turned instantly to the interrupting voice, beaming with pleasure as they saw their grandfather descending the stairs towards them.

Once he was standing in front of them he looked at them intensely. “You look better than I expected after such a long lonely time in emptied Imladris. I pray that from now on you consider these woods your home.” He drew his grandchildren into a tight hug, which was happily returned.

“Ata’da. We are so happy to see you well. And the forest looks better than ever.”

“Have you expected otherwise?” Only now did the twins realise someone else was in the room with them. They had trouble identifying the elf that had spoken, although both Elladan and Elrohir had the feeling they had met this elf lots of times before.

Celeborn saw their looks and smiled. “It seems you have changed too much for my grandchildren to remember you, Haldir, which is quite a shame, considering the amounts of time you spent haunting them down.”

To their credit the twins reddened in embarrassment. “We are so sorry, Haldir. It is indeed a great shame not to recognize you. For without the teachings of the best Galadhrim we would not be what we are today.”

Celeborn nodded his approval at Elladan’s words. “Well spoken and I couldn’t agree more. But you should be aware that there are no longer Galadhrim residing in fair ‘Lóriën.” Celeborn laughed at the twins’ surprised and confused looks. They surely thought Celeborn insane, for they saw Haldir standing there and he was a Galadhrim. But Celeborn’s next words told them why. “You see they all asked to receive the title Celebhrim instead. And how could I not grant them that request? But there’s much we have to tell each other, hindir, but not now. Your journey here must have been tiresome and I assume you would prefer to rest and bathe before anything else.”
To that Elladan and Elrohir could do naught but nod. “Unfortunately there are little rooms that could house an elf. Most are presently used for storage or in desperate need for repairs. I still haven’t figured out where to put you so for the time being…”

Celeborn stopped mid-sentence when Haldir gently nudged him. He looked at his lover with a questioning look. “Actually, my lord, our talan has been repaired, so there is an empty room here, though Rumil and Orophin are not known for cleaning. And the twins are always welcome at our home as well.”

Elladan saw the temporal sadness come over Celeborn when Haldir addressed him by his title, but he could not phantom why. He looked at Elrohir if maybe his brother did, but one look told him his brother was once again miles away. Hearing Haldir’s words Elladan took the opportunity to have extra eyes guarding Elrohir. “That’s an excellent idea. We would love to stay with you and your brothers, Haldir. Please understand, grandfather, that even though we are going to love it here, as we always have, but the royal talan always seemed too…”

“Royal?!” Celeborn finished, smiling. He did understand the twins’ adversity towards his house and would not begrudge them the company of elves closer their age. “Of course, by all means, go ahead. Maybe you can all keep each other out of trouble, but I fear that’s too much to hope for. And I’d like to think the royalty is out of this talan, boys. Feel free to run amok.”

He now looked at Haldir, carefully hiding his love. It had hurt him at first, but he understood his lover’s need to keep their relationship hidden from others. He didn’t agree, but he would hide it if that’s what Haldir wanted. “Haldir, please show them the way, thank you.”

Haldir nodded and signalled for the twins to follow him. Elrohir jolted out of his reverie when Elladan ruthlessly dragged him along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Orophin awoke with a yelp when someone attacked him. About to hit the intruder he realised one of the twins was having a really bad nightmare. Again.

During the last three months Elrohir’s dreams had constantly been under attack and time didn’t seem to lessen it. At first he and Rumil had tried to sooth the sleeping twin, not listening to Elladan’s words on how useless their efforts would be, but they had quickly learned that their efforts weren’t only fruitless, they made it worse.
Whenever Elrohir was held supportively by one of them, his trashing increased. It worried Orophin, though he could not label his feelings. It was an ominous feeling and he didn’t like it one bit.

One night both he and Rumil had sat up, watching the sleeping elf with the tormented dreams, whishing there was something they could do. Rumil had suggested asking Celeborn but Haldir had stopped them, saying it was unwise to worry Celeborn without trying to find an answer first. So Haldir and Elladan had hit the books, drawing many confused and worried looks from the other Lóriën elves for neither of them was very fond of libraries. But now they were in it every spare hour even though Elladan seriously doubted this library could answer the questions when the one in Imladris could not.
But then again, he figured, Elrond had brought most books along with him to Valinor, saying he needed to bring something with him to stop him going insane. It was one of the few things that made Elrohir laugh nowadays: the picture of Glorfindel buried in books. Of course there had been more elves carrying their father’s books, but Glorfindel had gotten the biggest load.
They still wondered why the blond had not protested against it.

The elder twin shook himself from his musings when Haldir released a frustrated growl, throwing the heavy volume through the room. Before he could ask the guardian what it was the door opened and revealed a panting Orophin, who clearly had run all the way to the library. Elladan immediately jumped up, fearing the worst.

“This is getting out of hand. We need help!” Orophin had had enough and would go to Celeborn, with or without his brother’s consent.

Haldir nodded. “Aye, we do. The abs absolutely nothing in those dreadful things. We are wasting our time. Let’s go.”

Elladan released a sigh of relieve, both from the knowledge the worst had not yet happened and from Haldir caving in.

Together they went to Celeborn. All three elves dreaded the conversation; Orophin because he feared Celeborn might be mad for keeping this from him, Elladan because he feared his grandfather might not know what to do with Elrohir’s condition either and Haldir feared Celeborn would get a relapse. At least, that’s what he had been telling everybody, but in reality he was afraid he might lose his lord. Even though he no longer had doubts about Celeborn’s love for him, he still feared the other to walk out on him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Celeborn softly called his visitors to enter. He hadn’t expected anyone, and hoped it would not take long. He was just getting finished, attending to the last papers and he was desperate to find his illusive lover.

Ever since the twins had arrived Haldir had been harder and harder to find. And it took him all of his will power not to get angry at his lover. He knew it would scare Haldir and that was the last thing he wanted.

He sighed to himself, hearing several feet entering his study, shuffling. It was a sign he knew well; it would be a conversation that was going to last. “Just a moment while a finish this” He already was, but he didn’t need the others to know that. He needed aer mer moment to compose himself. He closed his eyes and resigned himself to the situation. He would have to search Haldir some other time.

Putting the document aside he raised his head, surprised to see Elladan seated in front of him, flanked by Orophin and Haldir, the very elf he was so in need of. He dug his hands in the seat, straining himself to remain seated and not walk to his lover. He forced himself to concentrate on Elladan, who sifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Elladan? Is something wrong?”

“Please don’t be mad, ata’da…..” Elladan trailed of, realising there was a tear rolling down his face.

Celeborn immediately stood, walked around his desk and kneeled before his grandson. He grasped Elladan’s hands in his and threw the two Celebhrim a questioning look. When he saw Haldir lower his eyes in guilt and shame he became worried. /There is something terribly wrong here./ “Elladan, please tell me what is wrong. Is there anything I can do?” He became even more worried when he saw lone tears appear in Elladan’s eyes. Elladan never cried. He quickly looked at the other two again but their faces told him nothing.

He knew Elladan well enough to know the twin would not speak now lest the pain became too obvious in his voice. No, if Celeborn wanted an answer he would have to ask Haldir or Orophin. He closed his eyes. He’d rather not take advantage of his lover’s mental state but right now he felt he had no choice. Not rising from his position he addressed the two warriors but made sure he had eye contact with Haldir. “Something tells me you two know more of this. I suggest you inform me now or I will be forced to take actions.”

Haldir actually swallowed seeing Celeborn squint his eyes. It assured him those actions involved him more than his brother and he was not sure he was going to enjoy it. He closed his eyes and lowered his head in defeat. He was sure he would lose the other’s love once his deceit came out. He decided it was best to get it over with. “My lord, we came here because we….that’s to say Elrohir…ehm, I mean….he’s…and we…” he was having difficulties putting everything into words, especially because he feared Celeborn’s reaction.

Celeborn was getting frustrated and confused. It seemed he was getting no closer to an answer and he now knew it had to be really bad if Haldir was stuttering. He never stuttered. But then it registered. “What’s Elrohir got to do with this? Elladan? Is something wrong with Elrohir?”

This was more than Elladan could handle. He flung himself at his grandfather letting all his tears come out. Celeborn hugged him tight in response and listened in horror as Elladan told how Elrohir was slowly getting worse. When he was done he lifted his head to look at Celeborn with hope and fear.

The lord understood and didn’t stop the soothing circles he as rubbing on Elladan’s back. “Don’t worry Elladan, I am sure we can figure this out and solve this problem. Does Elrohir say what the dreams, or rather nightmares, are about?” Elladan shook his head. He had lost track on the times he had tried to persuade Elrohir to tell him. “Maybe some strong sleeping potion will help keep his dreams at bay. I shall ask the healer if he knows of one strong enough.”

Although he did not voice it Celeborn did not like this situation one bit. He had not liked the way Elrohir had looked when the twins had arrived and during the stay it had gotten worse. He rose from the floor, lifting Elladan from the chair. “Orophin, please take Elladan to the kitchens. I am sure Rielle will spoil you, which is what you need right now, Elladan. And than the two of you go join Rumil and Elrohir. I do not want him alone for one second, understood?”

The others nodded. Haldir made a mental note to have at least one guard near Elrohir at all times. Somehow Celeborn read that thought and nodded, thinking it a good idea. “Perhaps if the two of you help with the defences? It will give the both of you something to do and give Elrohir something else to occupy his mind with.” Elladan nodded and meekly followed Orophin out of the room and to the kitchens.

When the door was closed behind the departing elves Celeborn faced his lover, crossing his arms over his chest. “And why did nobody think of informing me before?” Haldir once more lowered his gaze. “We did not wish to worry you my lord.”

Celeborn arched an eyebrow at the official address. They were alone now. Surely Haldir could drop the formalities now that no one was around to listen. He eyed him curiously, wondering if something else was wrong as well. “Haldir, I am the lord of this realm. I need to be informed of what’s going on here. And I am also their grandfather. I cannot believe you’ve kept this from me.”

Silent tears crept down Haldir’s face as he waited for ine inevitable words of abandonment.

“Why Haldir?” Celeborn could no longer keep the pain from his voice. He did not know what pained him more: the fact his lover kept this from him or the feeling he was loosing him. It was as if the other made himself invisible during the day. At night, in his rooms, Haldir was all his, but during the day he would have more luck locating a needle in hay.

When Haldir didn’t answer he quickly approached and grasped him by the shoulders. The force behind his hold made Haldir hiss and he lowered his head further, not wanting Celeborn to see his tears. Celeborn was fed up with all of this and he ungently shook the other. “Why Haldir? Why? Tell me!!!!”

When he let him go Haldir sagged to the floor. Realising he could no longer keep it inside he spoke. “I…I did not want you to worry, to….to have a relapse.” His tears now invaded his speech. “I-I-I wahas affffraid you wwwwouldnn’t be abbble to hhhhhhandle it. I ddddon’t want ttttto llooose you. pppleasse?”

Hearing this Celeborn instantly mellowed and kneeled on the floor, gathering his lover in his arms. “Haldir, ssshhh, don’t cry. Nothing can take me away from you, my love. You’re stuck with me for eternity.” He lifted the other’s head and gently kissed him on the tears, making his tong trail the path of the tears. “I love you. Forever. I will never tire of you. Ever.”

Once Haldir had calmed down he looked him in the eyes. “I am sorry I acted so…irrationally. I don’t know what came over me. Haldir, I am so sorry, can you forgive me?”

Haldir shook his head. Had he heard correctly? Did Celeborn ask him forgiveness while he had been the deceitful one? His confusing was easily read in his eyes, making Celeborn realise Haldir still didn’t believe their love to be absolutely real. That he still expected him to walk out on him any day. He sighed in annoyance.
“Haldir, look at me.” Only whenhad had full eye contact he continued. “I was mad at all of you for keeping this from me for so long. And yes I was angry at you most. It pained me greatly to learn that you, my one love, were keeping things from me. It’s hard enough seeing you only at night, but making me redundant was worse.”

He had used those words on purpose, knowing that was how Haldir felt. He kicked himself over the head for never seeing it, but now that he did they would not leave this floor until it had been cleared.

His scheme worked perfectly. Haldir looked at him as if struck by lightning. “But, I don’t, you’re not, I mean I love you. Only you. I…I…I” Haldir did not know what to say at the moment.

Celeborn took advantage of that to manoeuvre him into the desired position. He knew it was a dirty trick, but he had just realised no amount of words or actions from him would convince Haldir. “Haldir, I must admit I thought you had changed your mind about us.”
When Haldir showed every sign of disbelief and outrage at the suggestion Celeborn knew it would work. He knew better of course, but he had to make Haldir realise that as well. “I mean, I only see you at night. During the day you’re practically invisible. I know we both have our work and that it is more demanding than ever, but still there’s always free time, which I have to spend alone in stead of with you. Don’t break my heart Haldir. I fear I will fade if you do.”

Slowly understanding dawned and Haldir threw himself at Celeborn who happily enfolded him in a tight embrace, needing the contact himself. When his tears lessened Haldir was no longer afraid to voice his troubles or his fears. “I thought that’s what you wanted. I could not see you or be near you knowing I cannot touch you.”

Celeborn pulled back shocked. “What?!” Now where had that idea come from? But he had a faint idea. “Haldir? I thought you wanted to keep our distance amongst otheIf iIf it were up to me I’d kiss you the entire day, no matter how many others are there.” Haldir blushed at that admission, which was totally adoring. Celeborn touched his cheek. “I love you, Haldir.”

“I love you too, Mithrilo. But I am afraid. I know it’s silly, but..” Celeborn silenced him with his fingers. “I know that, love, but please, don’t let that fear guide you. Talk to me, help me help you through it. please Calanya, I can not stand to lose you.” Haldir touched his face. “You’re not. I love you too much to let that happen.”

Haldir sighed. As much as he wanted to remain like this and talk until the end of Arda, they still had Elrohir to worry about. “I think we better get to work. Elrohir is getting worse fast. His dreams are increasing in strength and Orophin has this ominous feeling. I don’t like it.”

“He too? Me as well. I don’t like it either but what can we do? We will go to the healers and than…” Celeborn never finished his sentence.

On his way up from the floor he fainted. Haldir was just fast enough to grab him. He lifted the now unconscious lord in his arms, raising his eyebrows when he realised his love had gained weight, more than would be normal. He quickly carried him to the healers.

End chapter 15
TBC

Translations:
Nanethna means grandmother. I had to infent it for there is no known female equivalent for Ata’da, which means grandfather.
Hindir means children.
Mithrilo means mithril one
Calanya means my light