Chain Lightning

You Always Hurt the One You Love

by

Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher


You always hurt the one you love,
The one you shouldn't hurt at all.
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it until the petals fall.
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all.

Chapter fifteen

Hurt the One You Love

By

Ghost in the Mist





“I think I fucked up.” Sean said. He was in the Cuntebago with Viggo, having sat there until it was empty save for his friend. Sean looked worried.

The morning had been wonderful at first. He and Billy had made love before Billy got ready to go to work, and Sean had noticed something about Billy. He seemed oddly quiet and withdrawn, and it had stung Sean, stung him hard and deep. What was wrong? Had Billy found someone else while he was away? Billy had risen from their breakfast table and Sean had snagged his wrist.

“What?” Sean had said.

“Nothing.” Clipped short, it was Billy’s only reply.

“It’s something, I can tell. What?”

“Nothing, Sean, nothing.”

“Billy, there isn’t someone else, is there?”

“What? Hell, no! I can’t believe you asked me that!”

“Then what, Billy? Tell Daddy.”

“Stop it, Sean.”

“Billy, I…”

“Just stop it, okay?”

“But…”

“Sean, you wouldn’t understand. Look, we can talk about it later, okay?”

“But Billy baby, I just want to know…”

Billy started to walk away, but then he turned around and went back to Sean. He placed a hand on Sean’s cheek. His eyes looked filled with sorrow, they were filled with sorrow and some distant but enormous pain. “We’ll talk later.” Billy said. He bent and gave Sean a peck on the cheek. “Love you, babe. Gotta go.”

And he went. Walked right out of the fucking door to his car, where Dom had been impatiently waiting. Sean had had to face an entire day miserable, wondering what was going on. Every possibility entered his mind and each one scared him more that the previous one. By the end of the day he was a wreck, and he wished now he had just stayed gone.

He called Viggo and left a message and Viggo had called back and told him to come to the Cuntebago because he had to get out of his Aragorn gear and make-up, so Sean had sat patiently waiting until they were alone.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I fucked up. I just don’t know how.” Sean said.

“And you want advice?” Viggo asked.

“Well, yeah, that’s the general idea.”

“Well, that’s a lot of territory to cover, wouldn’t you say?”

Sean looked at Viggo. Sean looked at Viggo sharply because Viggo had stressed the word “territory.” He recalled their phone conversation, when he had asked Viggo if someone was moving in on his territory, and Viggo had pointed out that “territory” was an interesting way to put it.

“Territory…Viggo, do you think maybe…”

“Look, Sean, Billy is a complex person. You should know that.”

“Well, yeah, I do, but I just don’t…”

“You don’t get it.” Viggo shook his head and smiled. “My friend, you have a lot to learn.”

“Meaning?” Sean raised his eyebrows.

“Think about it. What do you know about Billy?”

Sean started to say he knew Billy had the biggest, warmest heart on earth. He started to say Billy was the sexiest little bastard he’d ever met. But Viggo meant something different, something bigger and deeper.

“Well, I know he had it hard as a kid. I know he grew up very self-reliant and independent.”

Viggo tapped his nose. “Now, what does that tell you?”

“Shit, Viggo. Oh, shit!” Sean said, raking his hand through his hair. “He thinks I want to own him?”

“That’s part of it.”

“Will you please stop playing games and just tell me?” Sean said.

“Look, I could do that. But if I did I don’t think it would really sink in the way it should. So either you’ll figure it out on your own or you can get Billy to tell you.” Viggo said, cocking one brow. “But don’t count on the latter.”

“Why? What makes you say that?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, Billy isn’t a whiner or even a complainer. It’s just not in him.” Viggo shrugged. “Look, you have a computer, do a little research.”

So Sean went home to a house that felt incredibly empty. He made tea then sat down at his computer and typed in the URL of his favorite search engine, then typed in “Billy Boyd bio.” He followed the links and began to read. It didn’t take long before he discovered what he thought the problem might be. He was horrified that he’d been so thoughtless. He turned off his computer and drove downtown. He drove downtown cursing himself. How did Billy put up with him? But no matter how many times he asked himself that question, he knew the answer.

When Billy unlocked the door that evening it was dark in the living room. The first thing that hit him was the smell of roses. He flicked on the light. Roses were everywhere. Sean sat on the sofa. Apparently he had been sitting there in the dark, waiting. Waiting for Billy. Billy smiled and sat beside him. He tried to cuddle into Sean, but Sean took him by the shoulders and held him at arm’s length.

“We’re going to talk, now, right?” Sean said uncertainly.

“Sure. Yes, we should talk.” Billy said, biting his lip.

“First of all, about those stunts with the phone. You know, with Viggo and then Dom. I was wrong to do that. I want you, Billy. I want you so much it hurts, but I didn’t have the right to do that.”

“But Sean, I thought you liked it.”

“I did, but for the wrong reasons.”

“Sean?”

“I shouldn’t have done that. I treated you like you were my property, and you're not. I’m sorry, Billy baby. Forgive me? Please?”

Billy looked down at his shoes. “Sean, I… I…” Billy struggled to find the words he wanted to say. Sean placed a finger on his lips. Then he cupped Billy’s chin and raised his face.

“I mean that, Billy. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I put my ego before your happiness. That’s no way to build trust. I’m sorry. Please, please forgive me?”

“Well, of course, Sean, but…”

“But nothing. You should have kicked my ass for that. Among other things.”

“Sean?”

“Now, here comes the tough part. The part I’m dreading. Because, Billy, you should never have let me get away with it.”

“Get away with what, Sean?”

“Look, baby, just you don’t ever call me Daddy again. You understand that? I was a thoughtless bastard and I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself.”

And Billy shut his eyes, shut his gorgeous, brilliant eyes, because he just knew Sean could read the sorrow there, he knew Sean had figured it out.

“I don’t mean to be that way. I know it’s just an endearment, it’s just…”

“Don’t you dare feel badly about that. I mean it. And don’t you ever do this again. Don’t you dare keep your hurt locked away inside where I can’t see it. I was a thoughtless, careless, selfish bastard and I can never do enough to make up for it. There’s not enough I’m-sorrys in the world to make up for it. All I can do is try to make it right by explaining.”

“Explaining?” Billy’s brow knitted. The expression made his eyes look even larger, larger and a wonderful, liquid green that Sean got lost in for a moment. He shook his head. So hypnotic, those eyes…

“I was nineteen and she was an older woman. We had quite a thing, she and I. She was older than I was, but she used to call me daddy, I suppose as a sweet kind of joke. But I got used to it. She liked her men, even her young men, to be strong and dominant. I got used to that, too. When she broke it off, I thought I’d die. I never really got over her. It took a while before I would even look at another woman, and when I did, I looked for women like her, women who liked their men to be strong, and I always had them call me daddy.”

“Oh, Sean…”

“Hush, now. I’m afraid I can’t do much about the dominant thing. So if that’s too much, feel free to walk away without an ounce of guilt. There’s no reason good enough for you to suffer in silence. I’d rather let you go than make you miserable. Even if it kills me.”

“Sean, I…”

“I said, hush, now, baby. Christ!” Sean admonished himself. “See? There I go again.” Billy looked down at his shoes again, and again Sean raised Billy’s face. “Now, can you understand why I did… what I did?”

“Yeah, Sean, yeah, I can, and look, really, I don’t mind, not so much, really I don’t…”

“Billy baby, you stop that right now. No more of that. From here on out, I do something like that, you let me know. Understood?”

“Sean, I, I…”

“Stop that right now. I mean it. I want your word on it.”

“Well, alright, if you insist.”

“I do. You should have said something. And I should have noticed the nightmares increased when I started that daddy garbage.”

“Sean…”

Sean pulled Billy to him, pulled Billy to him and kissed his temple. And when he next spoke, his voice was tremulous, soft and heartfelt.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry about your dad. And you were just a little boy when he went. I was a thoughtless bastard and I’ll never do that again.”

Billy’s arms went around Sean’s neck. It was an easy, gentle embrace, but as far as Sean was concerned, it might as well be as strong as spring steel.

“Does this mean you won’t call me Billy baby any more?” Billy asked.

“Only if it makes you uncomfortable.” Sean said.

“Well, then, I guess I’m still your baby, even if you aren’t my Daddy.”

Sean was utterly grateful to hear those words. He was so grateful that a huge lump formed in his throat and he found it almost impossible to say the next words. Almost impossible, yet he forced himself to say them. He forced himself to say them because he felt humbled, humbled by the unconditional love that was personified in the small but perfect person he held in his arms.

“I love you, baby. Don’t you ever forget that. I love you so much if I had to let you go, I’d do it, even if it killed me. But I don’t want to let you go. I want you, baby. I want you to love me. I want to be the one that makes you happy.”

“Hush, now.” Billy said teasingly.

It made Sean laugh. Feisty little shit. “God, Billy, I was so scared you wouldn’t forgive me, baby. I was terrified. And if you hadn’t, I’d have understood. And thank you, Billy, for letting me call you baby. Thank you for being my baby.”

“I love it when you call me baby, my Sean, my teeger. I’ll have to find another name to call you now.”

“You can call me anything you want.” Sean said.

“Then give us a kiss, my Sean, my Teeger.”

Sean obliged quite happily, then asked what ‘teeger’ meant. “'Tiger,' Sean, it means ‘tiger,’ simple, really.”

“Cheeky little shit. Be careful, baby, you know I’m still into being dominant.”

“You better be, because that’s how I want you.”

“Now, as long as I’m coming clean, I have something else to tell you.” Sean said.

“What, Sean?”

“Well, you know, that first night, how you didn’t tell me it was your first time with a man?”

“Yeah, Sean, how could I ever forget?”

“Well, I have a confession to make. It was my first time with a man, too.”

There was a long, long silence, followed by an explosive “What?” from Billy.