Life is Too Short

*WARNING* *ANGST* IF THIS BOTHERS YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ. IT IS NOT A LIGHT FLUFFY ENDING. I AM CONSIDERING WRITING AN ALTERNATE ENDING FOR THOSE WHO DON'T LIKE THE ANGST, BUT IT MAY TAKE A WHILE.


Life is Too Short

Chapter 14 – Leaving

The sound of gulls woke me the next morning and I opened my eyes to see that I was missing one elf. I felt the other at my back and decided to try to figure out who it was. I guessed that it was Haldir by the way he was tightly wrapped around me and when he began to caress me, I knew that I was right. I was getting good at recognizing each of their touches.

“Good morning, Sinda,” he whispered into my ear. “How did you sleep on your first night in our new home?”

“I slept wonderfully,” I told him, smiling as he ran his hands over my body. We spent some time in bed alone together and it was time well spent. I eventually asked where Thranduil was.

“He went grocery shopping,” Haldir informed me.

“He did?” I asked. I don’t know why that surprised me, but it did.

“Yes, he wanted to cook breakfast and couldn’t do it until he bought groceries.”

“Great,” I smiled. I wondered if he planned to take over all of the cooking. We would probably have to sit down together and work out all those details. I didn’t want anybody feeling like they were getting the short end of the stick.

“Would you like to go for a walk on the beach?” he asked me.

“That sounds nice,” I said, getting up and dressing.

We walked down the beach, holding hands, and after spending some time in silence, he asked me about going to dinner together.

“We could do it tonight if Thranduil doesn’t mind,” I said.

“You will probably have to spend an evening alone with him, as well,” he commented.

“That’s fine. I’ll go dancing with him, since you don’t like it anyway.”

We took our time getting back and were greeted with the smell of breakfast cooking when we entered the house. I was supposed to eat lunch with Neume, Amalee and Michelle, so I didn’t really want a big breakfast but I also didn’t want to hurt Thranduil’s feelings. I ate a little bit of everything and it was all delicious. It was nice having a gourmet cook around, I decided.

“And how did the two of you spend your morning?” Thranduil asked, probably already knowing the answer.

“We went for a walk on the beach,” I said, truthfully.

“And…?” he asked.

“What do you think?” I asked in return.

“I think that I want some time alone with you after breakfast,” he answered. Why was I not surprised?

“I have some things to do around town anyway,” Haldir mumbled, not looking at me. He stood up from the table and collected the dishes to put in the dishwasher. I helped him and we had the kitchen cleaned up quickly.

“I will see you after lunch, Sinda,” he said, kissing me. He turned to Thranduil, “I want to take Sinda out to dinner tonight.”

“Can you make it tomorrow? I brought home a movie for us to watch tonight,” the king said. We all knew that the movie could be watched tomorrow as well, but he was trying to assert himself. I held my breath, wondering if this would turn into another fight between them. Instead, Haldir smiled. “Tomorrow would be even better,” he said. “The restaurant will not be so busy on a Sunday night.”

Thranduil frowned, feeling as though he had lost a battle here. “And I want a night alone with Sinda as well.”

“I assumed you would,” Haldir said, kissing me again. “I will let you work that out.”

He turned and left the house, barely getting the door closed before Thranduil turned hungrily towards me. “Where were we?”

“We were cleaning the kitchen,” I told him, drying off the granite counters and island with a dishtowel.

“It looks clean to me,” he said, backing me towards the island. He immediately began kissing my neck and didn’t stop until I felt the island behind me. When I opened my eyes, he had a smile on his face and an arm on each side of me, pinning me effectively to the island.

“My turn,” he said, grabbing my waist and lifting me onto the island. I felt a hand on each of my thighs, though I couldn’t see them because my gaze was locked with his. Those eyes were not something that one turned away from easily. Not surprisingly, the hands soon slid beneath the edge of my dress. Still, he managed to catch me off guard when I felt him grip my panties on either side and yank them out from under me like the old tablecloth trick, tossing them aside with a smile.

“Well, aren’t you talented?” I asked him.

“I think you know just how talented I am,” he shot back at me, taking my hands and placing them on the edge of his jeans. I think he was trying to tell me something.

Deciding to torture him just a bit, because it was fun, I slowly unbuttoned his shirt instead, keeping my eyes locked with his as I did it. Of course, it took longer that way because I had to feel for the buttons… often…and by the time I had the last one done, his jaw was twitching. Something else was probably twitching, as well. I didn’t take his shirt off, but simply opened it to feel the smooth skin beneath. Lowering my head, I lightly bit down on a nipple and then flicked it with my teeth. He hissed in response to my move and when I repeated it on the other side, I heard him groan. He pulled my hands back to the waistband of his jeans and I laughed. Because he had been very patient so far, so I decided to quit tormenting him and undid his zipper. Gripping his erection, I slid the jeans down a little. He decided that it wasn’t enough and quickly shoved them to the ground before grabbing my hips and sliding me forward to impale me on his very ready shaft. He didn’t waste much time getting down to business and it was only a matter of minutes before we both collapsed on the island, shuddering as the last waves of pleasure washed through us. My legs were still locked around his waist as he supported his weight above me on one arm.

“That took the edge off,” he told me as he gently kissed my neck. “Can you handle more?”

It’s not like I had a job anymore, so why not?

“I can handle it,” I told him.

He kissed me and a smile lingered on his face as he pulled up his pants, then scooped me up and carried me to the bedroom, where we continued our activities until Haldir showed up again. I wanted to get up when I heard the door open, but Thranduil held me in place with his body. Since we had closed the door, I thought that maybe Haldir would not come in, but I was wrong. Glancing at us for only a moment, he quickly looked away with a frown. He lifted a hand and I saw the article of clothing that I had left in the kitchen.

“You forgot something,” he told me, dropping them onto the chair.

“Oops,” I said. “Want to join us?”

Gazing at me, he raised an eyebrow in interest before glancing at the clock. I had to meet the others for lunch in an hour.

“Not enough time,” he told me, reluctantly. “Tonight, though.”

“Promise?” I asked.

“I promise.”

Thranduil rolled off of me and said, “Come with me, Sinda, and I will help you with your shower.”

“If either one of you ‘helps’ me with my shower, I’ll be late,” I told him kissing them each before I locked myself in the bathroom to shower alone.

Amalee and Neume picked me up and we met Michelle at the restaurant, which was one of those places filled with lots of plants in copper kettles. I liked it. It was the sort of restaurant that had things on the menu like Portabella Panini with potato gaufrettes and Boquerones with roasted winter squash on crostini. I ran my finger down the menu with my eyes closed and pointed to where it landed, to place my order.

We chatted about the weather, about my move to Oregon and about other little things but nobody seemed to be in a hurry to bring up the subject that we were there to discuss. The wine was good and when my meal arrived, I was no more enlightened as to its nature as I had been while perusing the menu. I raised an eyebrow, a habit I was picking up from Haldir. The small piece of meat lay on a dark green leaf of some sort, surrounded by some sort of vegetables disguised as flowers. There was a crisscross of yellow, as though the chef had been decorating a cake and had his attention suddenly called away. I stuck a finger in the yellow sauce and decided it had a distinct mustard taste to it. When I went to cut open the meat, my knife slid easily through it and I quickly realized that it was some sort of seared tuna. I relaxed. I could handle fish, as long as it wasn’t staring back at me.

After the meal, while we were talking over another glass of wine, I finally broached the subject we were all avoiding.

“So, does anybody have any idea what’s going on?” I asked, watching the red liquid swirl around in my wine goblet.

“Not really,” Michelle said, while the others just shook their heads. “But we’ve figured out a few interesting things. When is your birthday?”

“My birthday?” I repeated. “It’s August 1st, why?”

“So is mine,” Michelle said, pulling out her driver’s license, which showed her date of birth as identical to mine, including the year.

“Quite a coincidence,” I said, already suspecting there was more or she wouldn’t have brought the subject up. Sure enough, Amalee and Neume both produced their driver’s licenses, too, and a chill ran through my body as I realized that the four of us were born on the same day, the same year. “Not a coincidence, then,” I said, unsure as to the significance of what I had just learned.

“You seem to be handling this much better than I did,” Amalee told me. “I was stunned.”

“It’s been obvious to me for some time that there is something going on behind the scenes here,” I told them. “Maybe if it had *just* been one elf, I wouldn’t have seen it, but when you’ve got two of the most desirable creatures on the face of the earth practically unable to let you out of their sight, you know something isn’t normal.”

Michelle laughed. “I had the same problem until Bálgin suddenly met another woman and was gone. He seemed to be drawn towards her the same way, only it was stronger than the draw he had towards me.”

“Did you find out when her birthday was?” I asked, curious.

“No, but maybe I can do that,” Michelle said. “I’ll have Táurnil ask him.”

“I wonder if that means one of my elves is going to do the same thing,” I said, worried now. Of course, life would be easier with just one elf, but I didn’t want to give up either of them. I grew quiet for a moment, thinking about that possibility. It scared me.

Finally forcing away those thoughts, I said, “There is something else; the reason I know that there’s a bigger plan at work here.” I told them about my drowning experience and the beings that I had ‘met’ under the water. Nobody seemed terribly surprised about this either. I only had to wait a moment to find out why.

“I also drowned,” Michelle told me. “It was an accident in a swimming pool. I was given the same choice that you were.”

A chill swept over my body as I listened to her hair-raising story. The similarities were undeniable. Amalee followed with her own account of choking on a cough drop.

“It was so silly,” she said, “just this little tiny cough drop, but suddenly I couldn’t breathe and there was nobody nearby to help me. I was given a choice to be with my loved ones that had passed on or return to Rúmil, but was told I’d have to make a sacrifice. I said that I would. I woke up with somebody giving me the Heimlich maneuver but he told me later that he didn’t know why he had even done it. There had been no heartbeat.”

We all looked to Neume who now recounted her own tale. She had been in a car wreck and though there had been no apparent injuries, something had caused her heart to stop beating. She had woken in the E.R. after the doctors had declared her clinically dead. They had been stunned when she had sat up and talked.

“I was given the same choice and I think you know what my answer was,” she told us now.

Michelle said, “We just don’t know how it fits together with everything else.”

“It’s also why we quit fighting the pull,” Amalee pointed out. “We feel that it’s supposed to happen; that we were meant to bind ourselves to our elves.”

“And let them give up their immortality for you?” I asked, not judging but curious.

“That’s not how it works,” Michelle explained. “That’s what Arwen did because she was half-elven and had a choice to be mortal or immortal. The others don’t.”

“They fade,” Amalee said, sadly.

“That’s right,” I said slowly, remembering now. If I bound myself to Haldir, he would not become a mortal. He would still not age when I did, but if he truly loved me, then when I died, he would fade and eventually die as well. That was so much worse. Growing old together was not a possibility.

Neume finally spoke up. “I know it sounds terrible, Sinda, but we have hope that they won’t fade. What’s happening isn’t normal, so we think there’s more to it.”

“I’m not judging you, anyway,” I assured them. “I think that as the draw gets stronger I’ll be in the same position you are, though I’m hoping that Thranduil might change that.”

I dragged out a pen and paper. The accountant in me had to do this. I tried to find out when each of them had met their elf or elves and then figure out dates for when they noticed the draw increasing and also marking down the time when they finally “gave in.” It was a rough chart, of course, but I found a definite pattern. If I had just Haldir alone, I might make it another week or two. Michelle had lasted longer with her two elves, but when Bálgin had left, she had caved almost immediately. That didn’t give me much hope.

“So, in other words, if Thranduil happens to leave, I might have a couple of weeks before I’m at the same point that the rest of you are. If he sticks around, I’m okay until he goes, but he will probably go eventually.”

“How do you know it will be Thranduil that goes?” Amalee brought up a good point.

“I know,” I told them. “I have something much stronger with Haldir.”

Michelle nodded. “I knew with Bálgin, too, but I still felt drawn to him and didn’t want to give him up. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, once he finally left.”

“And what if I just leave now and go back to Nevada, severing both relationships?” I asked, though the idea left me cold.

“I’ll bet you can’t do it,” Michelle said with a small smile. She was probably right.

“How do you know that they wouldn’t find other women?” Neume mentioned. “Think about it. Which would be worse, Sinda, to bind yourself to Haldir and have a good life with him, knowing that someday he might fade… or watching him do the same thing with somebody else?”

I swallowed, hard. Never. That was simply unthinkable.

“No, it would have to be me,” I told them.

We finished our lunch and promised to get together for another barbeque soon. When they dropped me off at the house, I went inside to find both elves in the living room, waiting for me. Thranduil pulled me onto his lap so I stayed there.

“What did you learn, Sinda?” Haldir asked.

I reiterated what I had learned during our lunch and neither elf showed any sign of being surprised.

“You both already knew all this, didn’t you?” I asked them, a little annoyed.

“Yes,” Thranduil said. Haldir nodded.

“So,” I pulled out my nifty little chart and showed it to them. “I figure that I have about two weeks before the pull is too strong for me to fight. That means that our only hope for me not giving in to this thing is that the three of us *have* to stay together.”

They agreed and I felt a great relief wash over me. Of course, Michelle had probably thought that both of her elves would stay, too. Thranduil could easily change his mind tomorrow and there would be nothing I could do about it.

“So, what shall we do now?” I asked them. Thranduil immediately began to kiss my neck.

Haldir stood and took my hand, pulling me from the king’s lap. “Let’s go dig for clams. Thranduil wants to make clam chowder for dinner tonight.”

“That sounds good,” I said still looking at Thranduil. His eyes raked my body and it sent a chill through me. I almost gave in, then and there, and jumped him on the couch but I thought it might be even more fun to make him wait for a change. He could go a few hours if he had to.

We went down to the beach and they showed me how one went about digging for clams. They had large, metal cylindrical contraptions that we used to twist down into the sand when we saw the tell-tale bubbles. They informed me that this was best done in the early morning, but we still managed to get enough for the chowder. Since I had never seen anybody make clam chowder, I wanted to watch. Thranduil even let me help, though not on the “important” parts. Haldir said he had other things to do, so he stayed outside working around the yard. I kept catching glimpses of him walking by without his shirt on and my eyes couldn’t help but follow him when that happened. Okay, maybe I went out of my way to go to the window and look for him, but I couldn’t help it. He looked so good with the sweat gleaming on his perfect body that it would have been impossible *not* to look. Thranduil caught me more than once and after the second time, he said something about it.

“You are not paying attention, Sinda,” he scolded me. “How do you expect to learn to make clam chowder while watching Haldir dig in the yard?”

“I’m sorry, Thranduil,” I told him, trying to look over his shoulder as he blocked my view. “He’s half dressed and you’re fully dressed. Now, who do you think I’m going to be watching?”

With a smile, he pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside. “Is that better or should I take my pants off as well?”

My eyes were riveted to his chest as I contemplated his question. I finally shook my head to clear it.

“No, uh, that’ll work just fine,” I told him, knowing what would happen if he took his pants off. It was a lot easier to pay attention to him without his shirt on, the only thing is, when he was done, I still couldn’t have told you how to make clam chowder. That was okay, I decided. He could keep giving me lessons like that until I finally caught on.

When Haldir finally walked into the kitchen through the back door, he did a double-take when he saw Thranduil cooking without his shirt. He looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

“He didn’t think I was paying enough attention to the cooking lesson,” I explained, rolling my eyes. “He thought I was watching you instead.”

A slow smile broke across Haldir’s face and he crossed the room to give me a kiss, not getting too close because he was sweaty from working in the yard. The sheen of the sweat on his body was almost too much for me. I seriously didn’t think I was going to hold out until that night. No, I knew I wasn’t.

“Let’s all take a shower,” I suggested.

Thranduil turned to me, surprised, but recovered quickly, turning the burner off on the chowder.

“This can wait,” he said, grabbing his shirt.

~*~

There is one thing better than a wet elf and I’ve probably said this before. Regardless, it’s worth saying it again. The answer, of course, is two wet elves. How could life possibly get any better than that? Being sandwiched between two wet elves. *That’s* how it can get even better.

I wasn’t quite sure how this was going to work. I have trouble not slipping when I’m just taking a shower by myself and this was going to take some serious contortion. Never doubt an elf, though. They had it under control. I washed Haldir’s hair while Thranduil washed mine, then I washed Thranduil’s while Haldir kissed his way up and down the whole back of my body.

Thranduil pulled me close and let me feel just how aroused he was. I was getting there, myself. The feeling grew stronger when Haldir leaned over to kiss my shoulder and I felt his hand between my legs. The elfking lifted one of my legs over his hip but did not enter me yet, instead he kissed me deeply as his hand ran up and down my leg. Haldir’s body dropped lower behind me and the next thing I knew, he was thrusting two fingers up into me as he kissed my back. It was almost the end of me, right then and there, but moments later, the fingers were gone as Haldir straightened up again. I saw Thranduil’s eyes go to Haldir’s and some sort of message was passed between them because suddenly Haldir’s hands moved to my hips as he lifted me up and onto Thranduil’s shaft. I wrapped my legs around Thranduil for leverage and he held me in place as Haldir penetrated me slowly from behind with a groan. Thranduil kissed me, but did not start moving until Haldir did, letting him set the pace. I just hung on and tried to evenly divide my kisses between them. When we came, it was all at once with an explosion of sensations unlike anything I had felt yet. I guess it might have been the bond that Thranduil had created that had made the difference, but whatever it was, it was incredible. I could see that it was for the elves as well. It was the best shower I ever had.

~*~

The clam chowder was wonderful and Thranduil even baked bread to go with it. I was quite impressed. I had never made bread in my life and it was quite a process, or at least it looked that way to me. Of course, I made him take his shirt off again, to ensure that I would pay attention. Haldir, in the meantime disappeared from the house until it was almost time to eat. When he returned, it was with several plants from the local nursery and he went into great detail at dinner over where he wanted to place each one. A couple of times Thranduil tried to argue with him, but I think that it was more for the sake of arguing than because he disagreed with the Marchwarden’s opinion. I stayed out of it, not having much of an artistic bent when it came to home decorating, inside or out. Instead, I watched them while I ate my chowder and bread and thought about how… normal this felt.

~*~

It was the next night when things began to change. I had thought that we would have more time, at least a couple of weeks, but I was wrong. Haldir took me to dinner and I finally got to wear my new dress, the one he had bought for me. I saw something in his eyes from the moment we left the house together that night and it bothered me. It was what he must have been seeing in my eyes from the very beginning. From the time we sat down at the table overlooking the ocean, until the time we got up to leave, his eyes rarely left mine. When we weren’t eating, he was touching my face or holding my hand. I had never seen him so attentive, so romantic, so in love.

“Let us walk on the beach, Sinda,” he told me when the meal was over. He stood and took my hand. “I am in no hurry to take you home and share you with *him.*”

That set off some warning bells because, as far as I knew, everybody was happy with the current situation or at least we all understood it. I was suddenly sensing a jealousy in Haldir that I had not seen before and that concerned me. We walked along the beach and listened to the waves crashing on the shore, bringing back memories of our first night together. It seemed like years ago, now, and things had changed so much since then. When he finally stopped and pulled me into his arms, he didn’t speak for a moment and it seemed as though he was having trouble doing it.

“Haldir?” I asked, growing nervous. Was he going to tell me something? Was he going to end it and leave me? Maybe I had misinterpreted what I had seen in his eyes earlier. My heart began to pound as I silently waited for him to speak.

“Sinda, I can’t do it,” he told me, holding me tightly and speaking into my ear so that I could hear him over the pounding waves. “I can’t watch you with him anymore. I won’t share you.”

I pulled back a bit so that I could see his face. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to keep my breathing steady as I waited for him to finish; to say that he was leaving. For a moment, he only gazed at me, but when he spoke it was not what I had expected to hear.

“I wish to bind myself to you now, tonight.”

A wave of relief swept through my body like nothing I had ever felt before, but it was short lived.

“But… no Haldir, we can’t… nothing has changed.”

“Everything has changed. There is nothing more important that being with you. We can have a life together, Sinda. We’ll have children. Anything you desire, I will give you.”

I looked into his eyes and I knew that it was what I wanted more than anything; to share my life with him. Maybe the others were right and he would not fade after I died. Maybe it would all work out. I suddenly began to understand how they felt – it was all so clear to me. Something inside me was changing, accepting this. He kissed me and the small amount of resolve I had left began to slip away.

“Right here, Sinda, on the beach,” he whispered to me. “I will bind myself to you and we shall become one.”

‘Yes,’ my heart said. I would do this and we would have a wonderful life together, and so would the others. The others…

‘No, I thought suddenly, pushing away from him. ‘No. You’ll fade and so will the others.’ I was close to panic now. I didn’t think I could fight it any more and my only hope was to get to Thranduil and see if he could do anything. It was the only chance.

“Let’s go talk to Thranduil, Haldir,” I said in a neutral voice. When I saw him smile, I felt about two feet tall. He thought that I was going to send Thranduil away. We drove back to the house in silence, but his hand was on my leg and his eyes darted to me constantly. When we got home, the house was empty, but there was a note, which Haldir read before turning to me quickly.

“I must go find him. I will bring him back and then we’ll talk.”

I nodded as I began to understand what I was going to have to do. I needed a few minutes alone to prepare myself for it, so I forced a smile and kissed him, knowing that it would be the last time. When he drove off, I cried, but only for a moment, because I heard Thranduil’s car squeal into the driveway. I quickly dried my eyes and took a deep breath. Moments later, Thranduil burst into the house, obviously agitated.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. The last time I had seen him like this was back at my condo, when he’d chased me to the park. I couldn’t imagine what was causing him to be this way now.

“Your foolish Marchwarden…” he began. Right. He was always *my* Marchwarden if he was being foolish.

“What did he do?” I asked, growing more concerned by the look on Thranduil’s face.

“He has decided that he would like bind himself to you,” he told me, searching my eyes.

“I know. He told me,” I said quietly.

“Michelle called and told me so I went to talk to Orophin and Rúmil. The plan was that Haldir was going to do this while he had you away from the house. I went to the restaurant and didn’t see you there and I thought I was too late.” He turned my chin to make me look at him. “Am I?”

“No, you aren’t. I told him we had to come home and talk to you,” I said quietly.

He held my chin for a moment longer, trying to read something in my eyes. “Do you still love me, Sinda?” he asked.

“Yes,” I told him truthfully. Yes, but it was still Haldir that I wanted to be with and I was growing weaker by the minute. I had a quick picture in my mind of the beautiful elves fading and knew that I couldn’t let it happen.

“Sinda, they must be stopped!” Thranduil said eyes showing more concern than I’d ever seen. “This is not about us. It is about Haldir’s life and the lives of his brothers. Do you understand what I am saying? No, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t wish to see you bind yourself to him, but even more, I do not want to see them throw their lives away for a love that will only last a fleeting time in an elf’s life!”

If he had meant to shock me to get my attention, he had succeeded. Thranduil cared for me, he even loved me, but in the grand scheme of things, if they did not fade, I would be dead and gone when Thranduil, Haldir and the other elves continued their games, continued dating and seducing women throughout the ages. I wondered if they would ever even think of me a thousand years down the road. I doubted it. But he was right and I was growing weak. There was only one thing I could do and it was going to kill me. I hoped that I was strong enough for it.

“What will you do?” he asked me.

I would drive Haldir away. I needed Thranduil to help me, though. He would be a part of this, though he would never know that I was also deceiving him, I hoped. It was time to start.

“Of course it cannot be allowed,” I said, shielding my thoughts. I sighed, beginning the best acting job I’d ever done in my life. “I won’t have him give up his life and I certainly won’t give you up.” I pulled Thranduil into a tight embrace and kissed him in such a way as to leave no doubt in his mind how I felt about him.

“You understand that this is going to be difficult for me, no matter how I feel about you? I do still have feelings for Haldir and I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t think I have a choice.”

“Are you sure about this, Sinda?” he asked, searching my face.

“I’m sure. As long as he thinks that there is hope, he is a danger to himself. I am growing weaker. It’s the only way.”

Thranduil nodded, apparently buying the lies I was feeding him. I seriously wanted to die. I didn’t know how I could continue my life without Haldir and having Thranduil as a consolation prize was not enough to make a difference to me at the moment. It didn’t take long for Haldir to get back to the house and I vaguely wondered how fast he must have been going to get there so quickly. He flung the door opened and entered, his face set.

“Thranduil, we must talk,” he said, glancing at me.

Steeling myself for what I had to do, I let go of Thranduil and faced Haldir.

“Yes, we must,” I told him. I plodded onward, bracing myself mentally. “Haldir, I’ve made my decision and I wish to be with Thranduil. I’m sorry if I led you to believe otherwise.”

A full minute passed where nobody spoke and it was the longest, quietest minute of my life.

“You cannot mean this, Sinda,” Haldir said. If I had thought that I wanted to die before, I had no clue how hard this moment would be. I stood there, stone-faced with my arms crossed as I crushed him.

“Yes, I do mean it. There was a time when you meant everything to me, Haldir, but times have changed. I’m sorry, but it happens.”

“But Sinda, I love you. I would give my life for you,” he said in a haunted whisper.

And I can’t allow that, I thought. I needed him angry, not despondent.

“I’m sorry Haldir, but don’t bother. Go back to your other women. I know you were happy with them once and you will be again. I’m really sorry it turned out this way for you.”

He lunged towards Thranduil. “You…you talked her into this!”

I stepped between them.

“He did nothing of the sort, so don’t you touch him,” I said. “I think you should just leave. We don’t need you causing problems here.”

I felt as though my heart were being ripped from my chest. “Haldir, I told him that you were growing too clingy and I wanted to end it. Like I said, I’m sorry, but this was my decision. Don’t blame Thranduil.”

I saw the change as it came over his face. I saw the arrogant Marchwarden replace the elf that I loved more than life itself. He straightened his back and looked me in the eye. I could feel him probing at my mind and I sent him a picture of Thranduil and me locked in a heated embrace. Haldir’s face hardened. When he searched Thranduil’s mind, he saw only the truth, as far as Thranduil knew it. He saw what I wanted him to see.

“If that is your wish, Sinda, I will no longer bother you with my company. You will not see me again, ever,” he told me, sealing my fate.

“I understand that,” I said, though the words came out choked. I tried to cover it by clearing my throat. I had one last look at him before he whirled on me and left with as much pride and dignity that he had left, under the circumstances. He didn’t even slam the door.

“You were a bit hard on him,” Thranduil admonished me before enclosing me in his embrace.

“I had to be,” I said, using every bit of strength I had to keep from going after Haldir and telling him the truth. “There was no point in letting him think for a minute that anything might change.”

“Sinda, I know that you love him,” he told me. I thought that he was feeling me out, though, testing me.

“Yes, but I also love you and don’t appreciate him trying to force me to choose between you. You know how I feel about that. Two elves are too much for me, anyway. You are enough to keep me busy,” I said, desperately fighting back tears. “Besides, I know where I stand with you. I know you won’t let yourself cross the line that Haldir crossed.”

“But I will walk that line,” he told me softly.

“Just don’t cross it,” I warned him. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said. “I know what you need.”

Taking my hand, he led me to the bedroom. Sex with him was the last thing I needed right now and I was dreading it, but I didn’t know how to tell him that without giving away my lies.

“Take your clothes off,” he told me. I did it numbly. He lifted me onto the bed and touched my forehead. It was the last thing I remembered that night.

~*~

I was numb for the next two days. I tried to stay in bed and sleep, but Thranduil wouldn’t let me. It was a bad idea anyway, because I didn’t want him knowing the truth. I had to make it look like life was going on and I was happy. When he left the house a couple of times, I called and talked to Amalee, who updated me on how Haldir was doing. He was as depressed as I was, but he was angry, too, which was good. I began to wonder if he would find another woman. If he did, then everything I had done was pointless. I had not considered that possibility when I had made my decision but had only worried about what would solve the problem temporarily. I asked Amalee to tell me if he met anybody. I needed to know, though I was not sure what I would have done had it happened. I thought that I had severed our ties rather permanently.

I wondered if either of us would ever get over it. I hoped so, but as the days turned into a week, the longing in my heart for my beautiful elf did not go away. If anything, it only grew stronger.
I threw myself into writing, putting the whole story down in the computer. When I wasn’t doing that, I was spending time with Thranduil, mostly in bed. It was enjoyable and I did love him, but there was something desperately missing now. I knew that he sensed it too, and I wondered how long he would put up with it. On Friday, he informed me that we were going out to dinner and he was silent during most of the meal. When it was almost time to go, he finally lifted his head to speak to me.

“I received a message today, Sinda,” he told me, watching for my reaction. He sat his wine glass down and took my hand.

“And?” I asked, nervously. I didn’t remember ever seeing him so serious.

“It was long-distance,” he smiled, but only slightly. “Very long distance. I heard from Galadriel for the first time in… I can’t tell you how many years. Some things were finally explained to me.”

He had my attention now. I was riveted to what he was saying. A waiter approached to clear the table and Thranduil quickly stood and led me outside to the car. “We will speak at home.”

I wanted to scream. I needed to know what he knew, and right now. I had to bite my lip twice to keep from asking him during the drive, but I knew he wouldn’t tell me until he was ready. When we got home, he led me to the couch and pulled me onto his lap as he explained.

“You know that the last ship sailed to Valinor without us, many years ago,” he began, stroking my hair as he spoke.

“Yes.”

“About twenty six years ago, the Valar made a decision to bring us back, we that had stayed behind. They needed a lure.”

I lifted my head, beginning to see where this was going.

“Sometimes fate deals us strange hands. Haldir, his brothers, and the others never had fea-mates, for the ellith were killed before they could ever meet. It is maybe part of the reason that they stayed behind when the others sailed, because they were still searching, for something they could never find. There are other elves here too, several of them around the world.”

I thought about that. If their fea-mates or soul-mates had been killed, it made sense that they would still be searching, not even knowing what they were even looking for. It was sad.

“From the Halls of Mandos,” he continued, “these fea were put into human bodies, and allowed to live again.”

A cold chill went through me as I knew his words were true. “Me, Amalee, Neume and Michelle.”

“And others,” he nodded. “You were the lure. The Valar are patient and twenty-five years was nothing to them. When the time was right, they opened the eyes of the elves so that you could be found. This was the draw we have all felt. Each of you faced death and was given the choice to return to the Halls of Mandos or to be part of this plan. You probably don’t remember everything, but that was what happened. You each chose to stay with the elf that you loved.”

I quickly realized something, that it was Haldir I had chosen to stay with and not Thranduil. I wondered how long before he brought this point up. I also wondered why he did not seem to be including himself when he spoke of the other elves.

“The binding was right, Sinda, it was supposed to happen. You fought it because you didn’t know the whole story,” he hesitated with a sigh. “There is more, but I wish to make love to you first.”

The binding was right, but I had destroyed any chance of being with Haldir with my harsh words, meant to drive him away. I knew that and had to fight the lump in my throat. Something in Thranduil’s voice made me agree to go to the bedroom with him, wanting it, too. It was different this time because he was gentler than I had ever seen him. When he finally found his release this time, he did something he had never done before. He told me he loved me. I hugged him tightly and he held me back. I knew that something was wrong and I finally asked him.

I touched his beautiful face with my fingertips. “What is it, Thranduil?”

He didn’t speak at first. It seemed to take him more than one try to get the words out.

“It is our last night together, Sinda,” he told me.

The lump formed in my throat instantly and my eyes began to fill with tears. I could not see him clearly and I turned away as I felt the tears streaking down my face.

“Please don’t,” he said, pulling my head against his chest. “You knew that it would not last forever.

I nodded but I couldn’t speak at first. When I finally gathered some semblance of self-control, I said, “I guess I thought we would have a few months together, until you met somebody.”

He put a finger beneath my chin and raised it so that I had to look at him.

“I didn’t think you’d care,” he said, pointedly. They were the same words I’d given him the night he had come crashing through the front door of the condo, asking why Haldir had kept me from him.

“I care,” I told him. “Every time that I have told you I love you, it has been said in all sincerity.”

“Yes, you love me, Sinda,” he said, “but you do not love me *enough.* And I love you more than I should. Do you understand?”

“Not really,” I told him. How could I concentrate on hidden messages when my world was falling apart again? Or actually, it was just finishing falling apart. The walls had crumbled the minute I had to say goodbye to Haldir. I had been holding them together with Thranduil and this was just that little nudge that sent it all tumbling down.

“Sinda, I never meant to love you, yet I do and even that is no longer the issue in light of recent events. The real problem is that I know it is Haldir that you were meant to be with; it is he who holds most of your heart and I am not one who can live this way for long. I need someone who loves me as much or more than I love them. Call it my arrogance, or my ego, but I need it. There was one like that, once.”

“The mother of your son,” I said, remembering what he had told me.

“Yes. I have been thinking about her quite often lately and regretting the love I threw away. She loved me more than you do, and that’s what it really all comes down to for me. I believe now that she is my fea-mate and I was foolish not to see that long ago.”

“And you cannot be with her until…”

“I can be with her, soon,” he told me, not looking into my eyes. “There will be one more ship sailing tomorrow and I shall be on it.”

After a moment of near panic, I thought it over and actually felt better about that. It was the best thing for him. If he had to be in my world, sure I wanted him if I couldn’t have Haldir, but if he had the chance to be happy it was what I wanted, too. I would miss him, but not as much as I already missed Haldir. I could live with this.

“I’m happy for you,” I told him. “I really am. I’ll miss you, but I think this is the best thing for you.”

He kissed me softly. “Sinda, the others will be going, too, including Haldir.”

“Oh,” I said, because nothing else would come out. Now that the walls had crumbled, and the bulldozers had cleared my world away, they had also decided that it wasn’t enough and maybe a really big bomb was in order; a nuke. I was sitting at the bottom of a great big pit now with no chance of crawling out. I realized now that I had been harboring a fantasy of Haldir and me talking things over and working it out but it would have taken time and now that time had run out.

For an hour, I lay on the bed with Thranduil, holding him but not daring to say a word. I forced myself to regain control, deciding that I would grieve tomorrow and not ruin our last night together. I had questions, too.

“And Amalee, Michelle and Neume?” I asked.

“They will go, too. They will bind themselves to their elves on the way to Valinor, once we have left this world,” he said.

I nodded numbly as he continued.

“Once they do this they will receive immortality, but it cannot happen if they remain here. It was the incentive to get the elves to leave this world.”

“Yes,” I said, understanding that. If they had mates, they would be even happier here and there would be no reason to go.

“So instead, the souls of their beloved were trapped in human bodies, and now an offer has been made to these elves. Return to the Undying Lands with your mates and their bodies will be made elven once more, when the binding occurs.” He sighed. “Sinda, I understand now that you were meant to be with Haldir, that you are fea-mates, but he will not accept that. He is very bitter.”

“Of course,” I said. I had made sure that he would be angry, rather than despondent. I had very effectively severed our ties to save his life. He would never believe that, though, or it would not matter enough. He was very proud.

“It is why I cannot take you with me and bind myself to you. You are not my fea-mate, but Haldir’s. It would be wrong and we would all be unhappy. Eternity is a long time to be unhappy.”

“I understand,” I said. I had given up life as I knew it in Nevada to move to Oregon, and now everybody that meant anything to me was sailing away on a ship to the Undying lands, to live happily ever after as immortals. I would die here, alone. More importantly, I would never see Haldir again. Suddenly, death became appealing. I thanked God I only had another fifty or sixty years to go. My pain would end, some day.

“Sinda, I did what I could,” he was explaining to me now. “I spoke with him and told him why you ended your relationship with him.”

I quickly looked up. “What do you mean?” We had not discussed this. As far as I knew, nobody knew why I had done it except me.

“I was not born yesterday, Sinda, or even last century, for that matter. I *know* why you did what you did. I know you sacrificed your relationship with Haldir to save his life,” he stroked my hair. “I accepted it because I thought that your love for me would grow and I could have what I wanted. I told Haldir all of this but he would not listen. He is too stubborn.”

“No, of course not,” I laughed through my tears. “I was cruel to him, remember? I had to make sure he was mad at me when it was over and not depressed. No, he would never forgive me.”

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. I shielded my thoughts, as I was getting so good at. I would not think about Haldir now, but would deal with what was happening with Thranduil instead.

“I am happy for you,” I told him again.

He kissed me and I thought I felt tears on his cheeks. Maybe they were just mine.

“Sinda, will you come and see me off tomorrow?” he asked, running a hand over my back. “It would mean a lot to me and your friends.”

“Of course,” I said. Sure, I’ll come and wish you all bon voyage while I’m left behind to die. Sure, why not? I hated myself at the moment. I hated what I was thinking. I had had some of the most wonderful months that a human could ever possibly have. That had to be enough for me. I did not need to ruin things for the others.

“I’ll go with you. I need to say goodbye to the others, too,” I told him.

“Will you be all right?” he asked, hugging me. “I do not have to leave with them.”

“Of course I will,” I said, trying to smile. “You’ve given me some memories that will last me the rest of my life and I can’t thank you enough for it.” There was no way I was going to ask him to give up his chance at happiness to stay behind and keep me company for a few years. I was touched that he would even offer.

We made love all night. I don’t mean that we just had sex, either. We made love. I finally understood that he really did love me and I reveled in that thought while I could, knowing that after this night he would be returning to the security of one who worshipped the ground he walked on, which is what he needed. What I had offered him was not enough. What drifted in and out of my consciousness all night was the fact that Haldir was leaving my world forever. I know that I let my shields down more than once, but it didn’t matter. Thranduil already knew how I felt. When morning came, he told me that it was time to leave. I dressed as somberly as though I was going to a funeral.

~*~

When we drew close to the water, I had to fight back tears again. Sure, Thranduil felt bad now, but a year from now, a century from now, he’d be saying, Sinda was a lot of fun…wonder what ever happened to her. Two centuries from now my name would falter on his lips and eventually he would forget that I ever existed. Worse yet, the same would be true of Haldir. For the first time since I had met the elves, my elves, as I had thought of them, I wished I hadn’t. I had loved deeper than most mortals but now I was feeling pain that was equally intense. I took a deep breath and steeled myself as we parked and walked towards the impossibly beautiful ship. Any human that ever feasted eye upon this ship would have to know that it was not of our world and the same was true of all the beautiful elves I now saw gathered around, speaking to one another with their human women. I stood and looked at the ship in awe for a long moment until Thranduil turned to lead me towards my friends. I hugged Rúmil, Orophin and Táurnil as well as their intended and we all cried. I wondered, at that moment, if I could plunge myself into the murky depths of the ocean and repay a debt owed. I had been salvaged from its depths once, maybe I could make it all right again. Haldir was not within my sight and that was good because I was maintaining the little control I had.

“Sinda,” Amalee said. “Can’t you go with us?”

“No,” I told them. I didn’t elaborate. I didn’t tell them that I had not been asked to bind myself to an elf, which was the only way I could gain immortality. There would be no point in going as a human, only to die there while the others lived on. It would be torture.

The others boarded the ship and once they all stood at the top, leaning over the rail, Thranduil kissed me one last time and told me that he loved me and always would.

“You will never know how much I love you, Sinda,” he said, letting me see the truth in his eyes.

I told him that I loved him, too, and I let him go. As I waved to the others, Haldir came and stood at the railing and I had to put my hand over my mouth to cover my choked cry. It hurt just to see him and I tried to look away, but it didn’t last. I looked back and found his eyes fixed upon mine. I couldn’t let it end this way. He had to at least know how I felt. I told him that I loved him, with my mind, and he looked away.

My self-control was waning and I knew that I needed to go before I made a fool of myself forever in the minds of my friends. I may not have much left, but I still had some dignity. I was about to turn away, when I heard Haldir in my mind, asking me why I had chosen Thranduil over him. I knew that he had already been given the answer to that and it hadn’t been enough to allow him to forgive me. I didn’t know what more I could add to what Thranduil had told him. I looked at him for a moment and finally decided to show him, instead. I pictured that day and what my thoughts had been. I opened the barriers around my mind and let him in, reliving each moment for him, as the elven crew unwound ropes and prepared to set sail.

It took about ten minutes and his eyes never left mine during that time. When I was done, he nodded and turned away. So, it hadn’t mattered. His pride was stronger than his love for me had ever been and I should have known that. He was a proud warrior. I waved to the others one last time and walked away, not completely sure if I was going to return home or going to drive my car into the ocean. By the time I got twenty feet, I knew I was going home. I was strong and I would survive. I would be alone, but I would finish the last chapter of my story, telling what had happened after leaving to take Thranduil to the ship. Maybe I would go on to write other things. I would not let Haldir destroy me, but I would use this to make me into a stronger, better person. I kept telling myself that. Too bad I couldn’t find the car through my tears. Hopefully I’d bump into it, sooner or later.

When I felt a hand on my shoulder, I couldn’t imagine what the hell I had done wrong. Wandered into the “off limits” section of the docks? Who cared? I sure didn’t. I turned to tell the security guard to get his damn hand off of me and found myself facing Haldir instead.

I did something I had never done before, at least to my knowledge. I did that little half laugh that both elves were so good at, the one that didn’t indicate humor. I stood and faced him, wondering what other questions he had for me now. I might as well let him get them all off his chest so he could tie up all his loose ends before facing eternity. I stood and looked at him while neither of us said anything, then I heard the captain yell something to him.

“I think they want you to hurry,” I informed him. “What is it?”

“Is it true, what you showed me?” he asked, his eyes intent.

“Yes, Haldir. It’s true,” I sighed. What was the point now? To allow him resolution?

“You loved me and that was why you chose Thranduil, so that I would not fade and die?”

“Yes, you and the others.”

He nodded.

“And who would you choose now?” he asked me, curious.

“There has never, for a single moment, been any doubt. I would choose you,” I told him. “But the captain is motioning for you to go, so you can think about all this later. I’m sure you’ll have lots of time at sea.”

“What if I would rather stay with you?” he asked, surprising me. I felt a moment of elation, followed by the crash of reality. “Maybe we could talk this over and work it out.”

“No, Haldir, you need to go. This is the last ship. Really the last ship,” I told him. “You need to go now.”

I could see in his eyes that he was having second thoughts and that wasn’t good. He had to go. I hadn’t gone through all of this to see him face death now.

“Go!” I yelled, the tears starting again. He nodded and I turned away. I made it another ten steps before he grabbed me and twirled me around.

“Not without you, Sinda,” he said. “You come with me and promise to bind yourself to me or I will not go.”

“But…” I glanced at the ship to see the captain frantically motioning for Haldir.

“Is this what you really want?” I asked him, my heart beginning to pound.

“More than anything, ever,” he said. “Please come with me Sinda. I love you. My life will never be complete without you, but there is no time for you to think it over. It must be now or never.”

There was nothing holding me here. Nothing. I loved him and if he truly loved me…

“Do you really love me or are you just feeling guilty?” I asked.

He kissed me then and I knew. I had forgotten what his kisses were like. He loved me.

“Let’s go,” I said, pushing away.

He grabbed my hand and we ran for the boat and I never looked back. I heard a cheer from my friends as they saw that I was coming, too. We had to jump to make it, but Haldir tossed me to Thranduil, such as Gimli had been tossed in the movie. I would bring that up later to him. When the gangplank closed, we stood together making up for lost time. It took us an hour to reach the main deck and I’d never been happier.

I greeted all of my friends and finally Thranduil who had walked away after catching me. He had a smile for me and he whispered in my ear, “I knew he’d come through.”

“You did?” I asked.

He nodded. Before walking away, he began humming the tune to “I’m on Fire,” by Bruce Springsteen. Some things would never change. I looked at Haldir though and moved back into his arms where I planned to stay for a long, long while.

~The End~