Call of the Sea

CALL OF THE SEA


Chapter 14

Dinner was a sombre affair, that last night in Edoras.

As soon as the meal was over, Aragorn excused himself from the company and left the great hall, leaving the rest of us making forced conversation, with even the hobbits struggling to provide some merriment. At length a minstrel was called upon. Seemingly sensing that a light-hearted air would be inappropriate and songs of doomed love too pertinent, he chose to sing a stirring paean to the war heroes of the Rohirrim, which did little to lift my spirits.

Nobody had mentioned Arwen and Elrond, of course, but every heart amongst us must have bled for the pair. They had chosen to walk in the hills to say their last farewells, before he returned to Rivendell for the last time, and she accepted her mortal fate and the eternal loss of her beloved father. Meanwhile I would have wagered that Aragorn would be sitting desolate in his chambers, blaming himself for their grief.

In spite of the air of melancholy in the hall, none seemed anxious to retire, and most of the company apparently sought to drown their sorrows in the heavy brown ale of Rohan. I stretched my legs under the table and wondered how I might slip from the gathering, as I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable myself.

The music stopped, and during the buzz of conversation that followed, Gimli suddenly rose to his feet, pushing his chair back with unnecessary noise.

“Well, Master Elf, are you ready?” His voice boomed across the hall.

I am sure that my face appeared blank, as my mind certainly was.

“You promised me fair return and I will hold you to it!” he continued. “Though I must warn you that my prowess at the chess board is greatly enhanced after a good meal. Tonight I intend to have your king.”

In spite of the large ornamental chess set which graced the lobby to our chamber, the dwarf and I had played not a single game. I am, however, not entirely without wit, so I replied in kind. “You may have cause to regret your confidence yet, Master Dwarf. For my faculties are undimmed by the quantities of good ale which accompanied your meal. I accept your challenge!”

Amidst laughter from our friends, we left the hall together.

Once through the door, I glared at him. “What do you think..?”

He placed a hand in the small of my back and practically pushed me along the corridor.

“I got you out of there without making it obvious, did I not?” he hissed.

“Making what obvious?”

He stopped, and gazed at me with sympathy in his eyes, saying in a low voice, “Go to him, Legolas.”

“I am not sure that it would be wise.” I ventured after a pause.

He grunted, and set off again down the corridor towards the guest chambers. I had little option but to follow.

Once inside our own door, he turned to me again and said, “Have you not seen how he is? If anyone can talk him out of his guilt, it is you.”

“It is no longer my place to do so, Gimli.” Even to my ears, my voice sounded unconvincing. “Let Arwen soothe his cares on her return.”

His snort of laughter was brief. “Have you become foolish as well as stubborn, Elf? She will walk all night in the hills with her father while he castigates himself alone in his room. Who knows what depths of self hatred he will rediscover?”

There was sense in the dwarf’s words. We had not spoken of it aloud, but we both knew that the damage done to Aragorn’s soul by the ring, if not permanent, would take much time to heal. He was strong enough to have confronted the wrath of Mordor without wavering, but faced with his own guilty heart his strength could well desert him.

“Has it occurred to you that mine may be the last face he wishes to see? Should we not speak to Mithrandir?”

“Would he thank you for laying his troubles bare to the world? It is not for us to tell Gandalf what passed in Lórien. The Lady could help him, I doubt not, but it seems to me that she is wrapped in her own grief tonight. I would go to him, but I have neither words nor spirit to match yours.”

“Do not underestimate yourself, my friend,” I told him. “It seems to me that you have an abundance of both.”

In truth, my heart was aching with my desire to go to Aragorn, and Gimli’s words had given me the confirmation I needed. I clasped his arm briefly and smiled my thanks, before I left the room.

Once I stood before Aragorn’s chambers, my resolve came close to failing me. It was more than four months since our last night together, and in all that time I had not been alone with him. While we stayed in Gondor, I had spent as many days as I could in the forest, often riding out alone, or with Gimli and the twins, to seek my peace there. In Minas Tirith the dwarf had rarely left my side and his presence had both comforted me and ensured that awkward moments did not arise when we were in the company of the King. In the month since we had set out from the city as Theoden’s escort, there had been little opportunity for privacy of any sort.

My love for him had diminished not at all, and the gulf between us could still fill me with despair, but I was learning to control my feelings. When the grief welled up in me, I would meditate a while with the song of the gulls in my heart, and allow the sea longing to wash away my more immediate yearnings; or I would seek out my friends, and let their affection go part way towards the healing of my wounds. I do not believe I could have stayed on my feet throughout the day of the wedding, had the love of those near to me not given me support.

My heart was beating fast as I knocked gently on his door. He did not respond immediately, so I knocked again, more loudly. A few seconds, the sound of weary footsteps, and the door opened.

Widened eyes in his drawn, pale face showed his surprise to see me standing there, then he frowned, and I thought for an moment that he would ask me to leave. I longed to reach to him with hands or spirit, but I had vowed to keep my distance, so I did neither. I simply smiled, and waited.

At last his expression softened to one of sorrowful resignation and he held the door wide for me. I stepped inside and sat, as he indicated, on one of the couches in the outer chamber. He chose a chair close enough that we might speak softly, but safely beyond the reach of my arms.

“Legolas,” he said quietly, and my heart leapt at the sound of my name on his lips. “Why did you come here?”

“You should not be alone this night, my lord,” I said, not wishing to speak of myself.

He managed a rueful smile as he said, “So my lady told me, ere she left. But I am surprised that you would wish to sit with me.”

“I will be honest with you; I would not have had the courage to come to you, but Gimli insisted that I do so.”

“Gimli.” He smiled again. “He is the truest of friends.”

There was a pause, then to my astonishment he asked, “Are you aware of the strength of his feelings for you?”

Had anyone else asked this question I would have evaded it, but I could not be less than open with him. “I am neither blind, nor witless, Aragorn. Fear not; I shall take good care of his heart.”

I had not asked for Gimli’s love, nor expected it. Indeed, who could have known that such affection would develop between an elf and a dwarf? I had long wondered, as no doubt he had too, what would have come of it if I were not already spirit-bound. As it was, I loved him like no other and our friendship was deep and true, but it could be nothing more. Dwarves are too like to elves in this respect; I would not have him bind himself to me when I was not free to match his commitment.

Aragorn and I were silent for a while, as I ordered my thoughts and wondered how best to comfort him. He sat quite still, his eyes on me. Eventually I realised that if I did not speak I might wait all night for him to open the conversation, so I said:

“I know your pain, Aragorn; you need hide nothing from me. It will help to speak of it.”

“What is there to say?” he asked, in a voice devoid of hope. “There is nothing that could lighten my heart tonight.”

“Perhaps you should try, nonetheless.”

At first it seemed he would not respond, but at last he turned his eyes from the intensity of the look between us and spoke. “It seems I am doomed to destroy those who are dearest to me. As we speak, two of the three I love most in this world are lost in grief, because of me. The third already suffers a heart broken by my hand.”

If I had not felt the enormity of his piio I might have smiled at his melodramatic words. Suddenly, I realised that what I had come to give him was not sympathy, but truth.

“Aragorn, can you not look at me?” I asked gently. He turned slowly and did so. This time I would not lose his gaze.

“Do you see before you a broken creature?” I asked him.

He did not reply.

“You take too much upon yourself, I think. Perhaps the mantle of kingship weighs heavily; but you cannot assume responsibility for Arwen’s decision, or indeed mine. You are not speaking of helpless children! Each of us has chosen as we will, with knowledge and wisdom; and each must live with that choice. Can you doubt that we are strong enough?”

He laughed, a short, bitter sound. “The only one whose strength I doubt is myself.”

“Then lay down this burden of guilt, for it is not yours to bear. Arwen chose to accept her love for you, as did I, knowing full well where it would lead. I am sure that for her, as for me, it is better to love you and to face the inevitable loss, than to have denied her heart’s fulfilment. And Elrond grieves, yet he knows that the alternative would hold little comfort; for if she took ship with him it would be against the will of her spirit. If it helps you, remember too that our choices were not only made for love of you. All four of us are bound to our destinies and to the future happiness of Middle Earth.”

“I know all these things, Legolas, though perhaps you think *me* wss. ss. Yet the knowledge does nothing to ease the pain in my heart.”

“Then it is time to look a little harder for your strength, my friend. The world is full of pain, as you well know; and you are not the only one to bear it. Life will go on, so we must all learn to continue in spite of it. What other options are there? A life of guilty self destruction? Of bitter regret?”

I knew I spoke of myself as much as him, and perhaps he did, too.

“Have not elves been known to die of a broken heart?” he asked, turning his head away.

“Aye, they have. And perhaps I could do likewise if I leselfself.” He looked at me then, with alarm written on his face. “But I will not; not now, nor when your time on this earth is ended. I will not let my heart know despair, not while the sun is in the sky and the trees flower in the forest. There is pain, yes, every hour of the day; but there is still much that is beautifulthe the world.” You You were always so strong,” he smiled at last. “And I should learn from you, once again. Yet at this moment I am finding it hard to see the way forward.”

“I know it.” I paused, and tried to still my nerves before I asked, “Will you let me help you?”

He stared at me and I knew he understood what I was offering.

“I am not sure. Might it not make matters worse?” he said, in a hesitant voice.

“I think not.” I breathed deeply, deciding it was time to tell him the whole of it. “It would help me, too. Aragorn, the time is fast approaching when we must truly part. Once we reach Fangorn, Gimli and I will not continue with the party; for we wish to journey a while in the woods together. I would take my leave from you knowing that your heart is well.”

He nodded slowly, and stood. I too got up from my seat; each of us took a step towards the other and waited, some two feet apart. Tentatively, I placed a hand on his arm, and felt our connection leap into life once more. I held back, for I had no wish to overwhelm him, or myself.

Suddenly, he stepped bardsards, breaking the contact between us. His expression was shocked.

“You have lain with another.” he said, incredulously.

I cursed myself briefly for not realising that he would know it immediately, but kept my voice level. “I sought comfort, that is all. It alters nothing.” *

“But I thought you could not….” his voice trailed off to silence.

“You thought my body would be untouched for eternity, as my heart felt only pain? Would the thought please you?” I could not keep some amusement from my voice.

“I do not… I am not sure, but I thought that elves, once bound, could not be with another.”

I sighed. “In these last few months I have come to question much that I was once taught. Perhaps it is because you are not bound to me… or e whe what is presented to us as fact is merely custom. I do not know. I may be judged for it one day, but what I have done, I have done. Does it anger you?”

He groaned, and looked at the floor. “No, it is not anger… Gods! Must I now feel remorse for my unwarranted jealousy, as well as all the rest?”

I placed a hand under his chin and raised his head to look him in the eye. “It may help you to know that of this crime, at least, I am as guilty as you.”

It was enough; he closed the distance between us and came into my arms at last.

I do not know how long we stood there, each holding the other tightly. My eyes were closed as I rested my head on his shoulder and concentrated only on him. I felt all of his anguish and fear and guilt, but beneath it I heard the bright, vital song of his mortal spirit. I called to it softly, with gentle words of love, laughter and hope. My own spirit surged with joy at the feel of him in my arms, and for a while my pain left me. I sang then, a song of the earth and the beauty of the world, though to this day I do not know if I sang aloud. Even the call of the sea was nowhere in my heart in that moment, as our souls joined and my knowledge of him was complete once more.

Finally one of us, though I could not say which, broke the embrace; and we each stood back, touching only through the gentle clasp of hands.

The burning love in his eyes was unmistakeable and mirrored, I am sure, by my own. Perhaps he had been right and it had made matters worse, but I could not regret it.

“Oh, Legolas. You know that I will always love you. More than I . . . ”

“Shush; you do not need to say it.” I longed to silence him with a kiss, but knew that I could not.

“She knows,” he said simply, in a voice heavy with sadness.

“Of course.” I smiled at him. “Yet still she has made her choice. I could feel remorse for it too, b wil will not, for I would change nothing that has happened between us. Do not endanger your marriage with guilt over what is done, andt cat cannot be undone. Live your life, and find happiness where you may, for her sake as well as yours.”


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I sat at his bedside, his hand in mine, until I was sure that he slept soundly.

We had talked a little of our shared past and of our plans for the future, but in truth the words were unnecessary. As the hour lat late I realised that I had needed this night as much as he had; and it occurred to me that Gimli haobabobably known it too.

I had searched Aragorn’s face for any sign of the darkness, but found only weariness there. Still I stayed at his side, fearing the shadow’s return as sleep approached. But as I watched him lying peacefully in his dreams, a small smile on his lips, I knew that his heart was indeed well.

I bent to kiss his forehead softly. dnigdnight, my love.” I whispered. “It seems your soul is healed.”

I crept into the darkness of our chamber with utmost stealth, but found that Gimli was awake and waiting for me.

“Is he well?” he asked, as I stretched out on my bed.

“Aye, he is.”

“And you?” the warm concern in his voice brought a tear to my eye.

“I am well. I must thank you, Gimli, for showing me what it was right to do.” I paused, wondering if I should say what was in my heart. It seemed necessary, somehow, to be honest on this night.

“Gimli?”

“Yes, Elf?”

“You know that you will always have my love.”

There was a long silence, but at last he spoke, very softly. “And you will always have mine.”

I smiled.

“And Elf?”

“Yes, Dwarf?”

“When they ask us tomorrow, tell them I took your king.”

I laughed, and bade him goodnight, before emptying my mind to prepare for sleep.

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* Author’s note: To find out whom Legolas lay with in his search for comfort, you may like to read Sea Longing