A Gift of Love

CHAPTER 13
Uncertainty

My brother is strangely quiet as we walk back along the grassed path that only we tread. It is not that he does not speak for often we have no need for words between us and the silence is not uncomfortable. It is more a strange silence has descended on him, one I cannot explain. I look to him and for a moment he does not acknowledge my gaze. His own is on some far off place that I cannot see.

"Elrohir?¨ I ask in a whisper. Perhaps I have unknowingly distressed him in our love making. Were my attempts too careless for him and I have hurt him unwittingly?

He shakes his head as if to clear it of some fog, smiles almost to himself then turns that wondrous smile to me.

"Tis nothing Elladan, a thought, a whisper of something I thought I could hear, but it is gone now.¨

Still Elrohir walks on with the same air. Looking perhaps for that moment once more but finding it eluding him.

We near the house and out of habit move apart from each other. It seems such a little thing to be able to walk beside each other, to reach out and take hold of my brother¡¦s hand. Such little things that are denied to us. Part by our own choosing, part dictated to us by our position and regard for our family. One day I promise myself, one day we will walk in the light and not endlessly in the shadow. But not this day. This day we walk as brothers are expected.

Elrohir frowns at something before us. I look ahead also but see only a flash of dark hair, a tall figure disappearing in the stream of sunlight that falls through to the courtyard.

I turn back to Elrohir seeking some explanation but he appears not to have seen what I have seen. Instead he looks beyond still.

"Elrohir?¨

My brother shivers, then looks to me with a smile once more and we walk on, back to our room.

My mind wanders to the pool as Elrohir pushes open the door to our rooms and pulls me into his arms. The kiss is sweet, his lips soft on mine, his arms strong around my waist. He leads me toward the bed. The linen is fresh, replaced while we have been away. It smells crisp and new, folding around Elrohir as he lies back and draws me to him. Soon it is not the sheets beneath him that fills my senses. I love my brother without question, I desire him and am happy he desires me. One day our love will not be hidden behind the doors of our room. One day¡K¡K.all thought eludes me as Elrohir's hands find the opening in my clothing and he tears at it. Soon his fingers are caressing my skin and I am once more lost within him.

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I do not know how to answer Elladan's unasked questions. My mind drifts to the pool and how we had loved there with the rainbows in the beads of water dancing over Elladan¡¦s skin. The memory is a constant and yet it is not the way I was loved that I cannot recapture. The memory heats my blood as I lie with my brother curled into my body. He sleeps now, his breath crosses over my skin in warm waves. I stroke his hair as he rests, his eyes glazed.

"Of what do you dream brother,¨ I whisper to his unhearing ears, "do you dream as I do, of the children you will sire?¨

Once more I return to the memory I cannot recapture, yet I feel its presence. Elladan stirs, as he moves his hand moves across my stomach.

As the night reaches its zenith, I too fall into dreaming sleep. While I can wonder where my brother's thoughts take him, there is no doubt where mine linger. The sky is glittering silver in my dreaming much like the sky I looked upon as my brother sleeps in my arms. Elladan stands with hair unbraided, a dark stream over the blue of his tunic, holding his sons so carefully in his arms. They are wrapped in pure white as he walks to Ada. He presents one then the other with the solemnity this ceremony deserves. I watch as the words are spoken and repeated. The babes are quiet though they do not sleep even at this late hour. Ada asks as ritual demands and in a voice that does not falter yet is full of joyous tears Elladan names his sons. I step to join him as he receives them back into his care. I will remember always the way he looks to me and to them. Never have I seen such love.

We wake, Elladan and I, at first dawn. My brother stretches out his lean body, looking up to me. He draws my lips to his.

"A bath I think,¨ he murmurs as he begins to rise from the bed, taking me part way with him. "I will prepare it for us both.¨ He slips away from me, though our fingers linger, touching as if we are unable to let go even for the short minutes it will take.

When he calls to me, the air is filled with sweet scents and misting steam. His hand guides me to the water. Here we sit and carefully wash each other's bodies, wiping away the traces that remain of our love making. I smooth the water through his hair. It gleams in the soft glow of the filtered light. I smile as I recall my dream. We caress each other through the cleansing cloth past the need to do so, until the water is cool. Elladan leaves the water first to gather the soft towels. As I stand he wraps one around me and gathers me into his arms.

"I love you,¨ he whispers, the first words we have spoken since he first called my name.

There is often no need for voices. We can say all that needs said in the way we look and touch . This has been one such time.

"I love you my brother.¨

We dress without further word, though we watch each other. Elladan pours a measure of the potion for me, standing ready as he hands it to me with the honeyed cakes I have grown to need. I smile wryly at him as I take the small glass from his hand, our fingers brushing. That small touch sends a shiver through my body and he grins. I swallow quickly as has been my want. I do not want the taste to linger on my tongue. It seems fouler this day and had I not seen it poured from the same vial as always I would have claimed it different. My stomach lurches, it is with great effort I do not decorate Elladan's feet with the stuff. Elladan puts his hand to my shoulder in concern but I wave him away with a soft kiss to his cheek. He nods, turning to fetch some parchment he means to show Ada. I can no longer hold the liquid within me so while he searches I depart into the bathroom. I am sure now of what I felt at the waterfall. Sure yet uncertain. Not yet able to tell Elladan lest it be false hope.

When Elladan returns he finds me taking a bite of the honey cake. I offer him a corner of it as he shakes his head.

"Ada wishes us to ride.¨

Would that it were not so. I would seek the advice of my learned father, he would be able to give me grounds for joy. But it is not to be so. Elladan goes further to say Ada will sit in council all this day while he leaves us to prepare. It may be weeks before our return, but so be it. There will be little time on the ride for intimacy, much less to talk on what may not be so. I will wait, for surely with time more will be revealed to me.

We pack and sharpen our weapons as we have done most of our grown lives. There is a soothing familiarity in this, though I find as I place newly fletched arrows into my quiver I am hoping that our sons do not come to know it. I would have them know only peace, journey through this world and seeing the wonder of it, not the evil. Unconsciously I touch my stomach with the palm of my hand, holding it there a moment.

"Elrohir,¨ I hear my brother call. It is time and we ride anew.

We ride hard from Imladris. A small company only, the better to remain unseen. We will join with the Men of the North several days hence then seek out our quarry.

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We seldom have opportunity to steal moments alone, less so when we are in the company of men. Though few of those we trust do not know of our liaison and fewer still do not understand, we are not given to displays of affection however mild. So it is not unreasoned that Elrohir talks of little but strategy. Yet there is something in his manner that nudges at my senses, tugging at my mind to recall a shadow of something.

My dreams have been strange of late. I had at first thought them memories of younger days. Times when Elrohir and I would play our games, running laughing through the halls of our father's house, practice our sword play with the weapons fashioned from the white wood of Lorien by our golden haired warrior. Yet they do not feel as familiar as they should. There is a newness to them that I cannot explain. I would seek Ada's interpretation on them but the urgency of this venture left no time. As we ride in silence along ill-used paths I continue to think on them. Images drift in and out of my thoughts, veiled as if I see through a window frosted in winter ice.

It is near nightfall when I call a halt to our march. We will have three days riding to reach our meeting point and there is no need to push the horses or ourselves too hard on this. That will come later when there will be little time to rest. And I would have Elrohir take all the rest he can. He thinks he hides from me this sickness he feels after the swallowing of the wizard¡¦s brew. I fear his body had turned on him with this stuff, that what changes it has rort are undoing. I would ask that he stop, but out here in the wild, surrounded by our fellows, far from the wisdom and guidance of those with more knowledge than I, I cannot. My hope is that there will be nothing amiss in these weeks.

I watch my brother dismount. There is no sign of distress in the way he moves other than the stiffness we all feel at the long ride, and I am soothed a little by that. He stretches his lean body. I know he feels my gaze on him as he turns to grace me with a smile. This night we will lay our blankets close, listen to the beat of each other's heart in our steady breathing. We will seek with outstretched hands each other to bid goodnight. And I will hope my dreams do not give me cause to doubt.

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It is early dawn when the sounds of the forest stir those who did not stand on watch. Elladan smiles sleepily at me as he wakes. I kiss him softly before he rises. If we cannot share our love while in the company of others, at least I have the joy of watching him greet the day with me.

As we both rise Elladan slips the small bottle into his hand from where it has lay in the pouch close to him. I take it from him, the frown deepening as I tell him my reason. We have not been apart during this ritual and I know it pains him to change this. But I tell him that I do not wish questions to be asked as to the reason my brother feeds me this strange liquid. I know he will answer that he does not care, or that we have shared this before in the presences of others. I shake my head to silence him.

"It is different now,¨ I whisper to him, "we are close to what it is we want, I would not have others chancing to guess what we do until all is ready.¨

I can see he does not agree and sense the dismay. There is worry in his eyes and I would seek to soothe it if I could. Something stills my tongue at revealing what it is I feel, yet I feel he knows more than he will tell me also.

With a nod of his head he lets me go.

I stand by the river's edge, the tiny cup is poised at my lips and yet I hesitate. My body will accept no more of this and yet if I am wrong, we will have lost our hope.