Vaniel, My Heart

Disclaimer: All familiar characters are owned by JRR Tolkien and are used without permission. No monies are being made from this work. Original characters are part of the story and owned by the author.

Vaniel, My Heart
by Sienna Dawn


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Chapter 10 - On Rocky Ground

Four months later, Coire (February)....Imladris....Fourth Age, Year 65

Vaniel often took lone walks to the reaches of the River Bruinen, skirting the Ford. Here she came to sit beneath the great trees of Imladris, some now stripped of their leaves in the winter's cold. She would lose herself in the sound of the rushing waters, or the gentle birdsong and golden sunlight. At times she would fix her gaze on the mountains above the Ford, thinking and remembering. Always did she hear her Mother's call, caressing her mind, stilling her heart when troubled and filling her spirit with peace and love. Eryniel's essence still lingered here and Vaniel was loath to leave it.

Many were the days Vaniel reflected on her future and what path she should follow, whether that of Men or Elves. She knew she had once come to the conclusion that perhaps her life was best lived among the World of Men, but now she was not so certain and delayed her decision.

She thought of Haldir and their situation and she reflected honestly that she had no idea how he felt about her. Having spent so many months apart from him, this time four months, she had come to many realizations and conclusions, and some had been very painful to admit to herself.

Now Vaniel knew her heart better, at least in connection to Haldir. She loved him. It was that simple. Yet, she resented him as well, for she knew he had feelings for her, or why else take such an interest in her well being? She knew his devotion to her was not a mere oath that bound him; it was a far more complicated motivation. She was young, by elven standards, she mused, but not blind. And yet, he could leave her for all this time? Without a word, or a message? This she resented, for in her not knowing his true heart she carried a great weakness.

And so, daily, Vaniel contemplated her life, decisions she must make and whether she would stay in the World or pass to the West. Yet, in all of her musings, Haldir's face was never far from her mind and she wanted to know his mind and heart as it pertained to her. But, even in this she was frightened, for if he rejected her, then what?

Her friends had neither urged her or counseled her in either direction but Vaniel knew the ships of the Elves sailed daily to Valinor, and soon there would be no ships. Yet, she also remembered her Mother's advice to allow the Valar to show her the truest path. And she knew too that eventually Haldir would sail and take the Straight Road. What would she do then?

Sighing, she picked herself up and strode out of the quiet woods. Soon, she came to the ancient footpath which wound around the high waterfalls east of Imladris and led to the city gates. She was about to cross the way to the other side, when a great golden hound bounded toward her. Vaniel's eyes alighted with recognition and she dropped to her knees as the hound ran steadily toward her.

"Estelim!" she cried happily, while the hound nuzzled her neck. The hound's breathing came in quick spurts for he had sprinted once he'd spotted Vaniel in the distance and had long since left his Master behind. Vaniel scratched beneath an ear and then stood, listening.

In moments she heard the steady thrum of strong hoofbeats. Vaniel stood and waited, Estelim turning toward the sound and once more bounding away.

"So he's back", Vaniel reflected, her heart pounding in rhythm to the hoof beats. "This time he's been gone for four months. Four months and not a word, not a message. Four months of silence."

The sound of hoofbeats was nearer now and Vaniel waited. Finally! Elated, Vaniel searched the woods before her, listening to the steady pounding, her eyes scanning, searching for the beloved shape. She wondered what it was that took Haldir away from Imladris for so many weeks at a time. She knew his home was in East Lorien, south of the great Eryn Lasgalen, where many of the Lothlorien elves had settled now that Caras Galadhon had faded. She knew he was still Marchwarden to those woods now under Thranduil. But she also knew that war was over and that he had appointed wardens under his command to maintain their boundaries safe. She also knew Haldir had other responsibilities in East Lorien, but what that was she was never able to discover. Yet, Vaniel also knew instinctively that whatever business he had in that land brought him undue worry, for many times did she see his eyes flicker to the East, as if in remembrance of a duty neglected.

But now Vaniel pushed those thoughts away, happy that he was finally back, yet angry at the same time for his indifference to her.

Just then, a large white steed, whose name she knew was Rohanor, came into view, with Estelim following behind. Vaniel stood quietly still, watching Haldir as he rode the steed with ease and grace. She noticed how the sun glinted off his silver hair as it flew behind him. Her breath caught in her throat. She had forgotten how physically beautiful he was. And then a doubt nagged her mind: was it another elf-maid? Were his long trips and his absences and his refusal to allow her too deep a glimpse into his personal life because of another? Watching him approach, Vaniel felt a dull pain in her heart, one she had not noticed until just that moment.

Smiling a greeting, Vaniel stepped aside as the great steed slowed to a stop. Above, Haldir's face showed true delight at meeting her so unexpectedly. Dismounting gracefully, he came to stand before Vaniel and bowed courteously.

"Vaniel!" his blue eyes sparkled in merriment, "happy am I to see you! " Haldir's quick eyes covered Vaniel from head to foot and he felt himself shudder. She had grown more beautiful in these months, he thought. She seemed stronger, the aura of frailty still clung about her, but he knew this was deceptive. Vaniel was anything but frail. He looked into her face and saw there was sadness in her eyes. The same sadness he had seen when they had last met and said goodbye.

Suddenly, Haldir's heart betrayed him and he realized he had missed Vaniel terrribly. Although his duty in Lorien kept him occupied, he still thought about her and had wanted many times to send her word that he was well, and ask her to respond. Yet, he had always destroyed the many letters he had written, preferring to keep as distant as possible.

He noticed how she watched him, her gazed lowering itself to his mouth, and then returning to his eyes. Centuries of experience had taught him how to read the emotions of others, and Haldir was stunned at the naked love he saw there, in Vaniel's eyes...a thing which disarmed him and disquieted him. Was this lovely elleth falling in love with him? Nay, he decided. Perhaps she thought she was, but that was natural. She had so little contact outside of Imladris and he knew her few friends in the city sheltered her. He was her only outlet. It was natural, he knew, that she would confuse feelings of friendship and, even gratitude, for love.

Shaking himself mentally, and carefully raising his emotional shields, Haldir smiled and took Vaniel by the arm. He began leading her toward the city. Rohanor fell in behind them and Estelim ran toward Imladris. "Come you to the River or from it?" Haldir asked in a neutral voice.

Looking at his face, Vaniel felt she was melting inside his sapphire eyes. So calm, so deep, so softly gazing at her, that she thought her spirit reached out and touched his, for a brief moment fusing. But his firm and gentle touch brought Vaniel to reality and she allowed Haldir to guide her back. Falling into an easy stride beside each other, they walked toward the gates of Imladris.

Without turning to look at him, Vaniel answered, "Coming from it."

Haldir sighed silently. So she still carried that wound. It would take a long time for her to heal. And that would not happen if she was allowed to make these melancholic visits to her Mother's grave. Haldir was a practical elf and he saw nothing practical in fading from grief. He wondered if perhaps the time had come for her to travel beyond Imladris. Maybe to Eryn Lasgalen, and East Lorien. He frowned. Maybe not to East Lorien, he decided. Perhaps a simple trip to the other realms of Middle Earth. He knew foul creatures still roamed about, but these were now found south of Mordor and north of Angbad. And he well knew how to avoid these places. He could take her near to the Sea, where she may be healed at last from the guilt she carried over Eryniel's death. But then, he reflected, she might think he was trying to influence her decision to stay on Middle Earth or take the Straight Road. Knowing how headstrong she was, he wished to avoid quarrels between them. And so, together they walked, nearing the entrance to the city, Haldir locked in a conflicting battle of uncertainty over which course to take. He knew he should ask Vaniel where she would go, but he also worried over what her choice would be.

Silently walking beside Haldir, Vaniel was also lost in her own thoughts. She was so utterly happy to see him, although she knew not if he came to Imladris to see her or escape whatever torment drove him from East Lorien. She sighed, whatever it was, this time it had kept him apart from her for four months. She turned her eyes to look at Haldir and found he was frowing darkly.

Her lips broke into a grin. So soon back and already glaring over something? She cleared her throat and Haldir looked down. He noticed her eyes were full of happiness, but he saw uncertainty there too. He wondered why this was.

"Back and already thinking of something else, eh?" Asked Vaniel, arching an eyebrow at Haldir.

Unmoved by her imitation of his own facial quirk, he replied, "Nay, simply wondering what it will take to stop you from destroying yourself, Vaniel." At once he saw her stiffen visibly and the contours of her lips set in a firm line.

Without breaking her stride, she answered coldy, "I know not what you mean."

But Haldir stopped her and grasped her forearms, forcing her to turn around and look at him. "I think you do!" His eyes held a worried look. Rohanor came to a halt behind them.

Vaniel's honey-colored eyes suddenly flared into golden fire, "How dare you? How dare you live on the periphery of my life, come and go when you please and still have the audacity to think you can tell me what I shall or shall not do?" Her eyes were full of undisguised fury and her voice trembled.

Vaniel was small in height compared to Haldir, and she had to crane her head up to look fully into his face. She struggled to free herself of his grasp, and Haldir, troubled by the outburst, released her, holding up his hands in a gesture of peace. If the emotion had not so blinded her, Vaniel would have seen the genuine worry reflected in the sapphire depths of Haldir's eyes.

Vaniel stood, breathing heavily, dismayed by her lack of control and the sudden anguish in her heart. She lowered her head and turned away from Haldir. She heard his voice, low and gentle.

"I meant no offense. I was pondering on how healthy to the spirit are your solitary trips. Perhaps you have lingered behind the walls of this fair city long enough." He tried to see her face, but she kept it averted from him.

Vaniel knew in her heart that Haldir was right, as were the Healers and her friends. She needed the company of others, she needed to break free of the sadness that was beginning to envelop Imladris, as it slowly faded. She felt it pulling her spirit daily and she knew Haldir spoke but the truth.

Shrugging slightly, Vaniel turned her face to Haldir. He saw her eyes were moist and glistened with unshed tears. "Mayhap you are right. Mayhap 'tis time I left Imladris." She crossed her arms and resumed walking. Silently, Haldir followed Vaniel.

Together they walked side by side, each lost in their own thoughts and tragedies. Several times did Estelim run back toward them, only to bound away toward the fair city, to the place where he had been sired.

Soon, Haldir and Vaniel neared the gates and entered, parting silently from each other.

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