A Gift of Love

CHAPTER NINE

I had woken with Elrohir curled into me asleep. As I brushed my cheek over his head, I thought.

We would go to Ada this day. I hardly welcomed the awkwardness that would ensue. To speak to Gandalf had been the easier of it and I was grateful we had gone to him first, though on reflection it may have been less our choice than it seemed. It was a more arduous task to confront a father so openly concerning his sons’ relationship. We would, in Gandalf’s words confront the diplomacy of the matter. There was the who and how of it. I held to the hopeless hope that we would not have to speak to any but those we already knew, that the four of us could keep secret this thing. But I would not ask Ada not to speak of it to Glorfindel, though he was yet to reveal to us the closeness of their friendship. Nor could we ask that Erestor be mislead on this. They both were as fathers as much as the one bestowed on us.

It was a foolish wish that we would spend the next cycle of seasons in the same way we had for centuries, then present our child to no comment. I smiled at my own naivety. That was as impossible for us as the other notion that had formed in my mind. I would not have Elrohir closeted away, hidden as if he had committed some crime for which there was punishment to be meted out. Just as I would not have him mocked or spoken of with ill respect. What my brother was doing for me was beyond the bounds of even our love. I did not hope to be able to explain what it was we shared to those who had not been party to such passion. What my brother was to me was life itself.

He stirred a little in the circle of my arms. I rested my hopes in Ada’s famed skill as diplomat, in his age long experience and trusted to his judgment. I knew from Elrohir that Ada would not oppose us once we both had agreed.

Elrohir looked to me and I to him. He had awoken amidst my musings and our smiles to each other conveyed our thoughts as much as his hand on my thigh that was slowly working its way upward toward my hip. I placed my own hand over his and brought it to where it was most needed.

“Ada can wait a while longer,” I murmured to him, “I cannot.”

“Nor I.”

I was sure that somewhere within the walled buildings at that moment a grey wizard sat chuckling as he smoked his pipeweed.

We loved as we had so many times passed. Elrohir fixing me with his gaze as my legs curled round his waist, urging him forward, his hands bruising my hips, my fingers leaving marks on his arms.

Then it was time to ready ourselves. We drew strength from each other as we had always done. We dressed swiftly and in silence, each wanting the time to pass and it over. I took his hand in mine as I started toward the door.

Elrohir stopped, his eyes fixed on the door toward which I had been leading him. I had looked startled to him. At this late stage was it to be him who turned from this?

“A moment longer," he whispered and my heart raced. Not once had Elrohir been the one who lacked conviction for this course, always it had been he who had stepped unrelentingly forward, in part catching me in his wake. Now I had decided. Had I waited too long?

He let go my hand and walked away from the door, back to the room that held our bed. I followed, not knowing what to say to him. Words of comfort perhaps, that I did not mind his change of heart, though my own was now set on it?

He reached with steady hand to the red coloured glass bottle that glowed as he touched it. He held it for moments, studying it, turning it in his hands. As I stepped closer to him, he turned his attention to me alone.

“You are certain? Steadfast in your choice?”

“Yes.”

I spoke with more force than I intended and he smiled at my conviction.

He shook the bottle, its contents churning within.

“Then we begin.”

The small stopper came away easily. Elrohir’s nose wrinkled and I could not say I blamed him. Even from where I stood the uncorked bottle was not a pleasant smell. I took the bottle from him holding it at arm’s length while I poured the small quantity necessary.

We had eaten and drank many strange things in our travels, but as Elrohir grimaced at the cup in my hand, I could not recall anything that resembled this. The liquid was thicker than I had imagined it to be, the surface swirled with a myriad of colours.

“I love you,” I whispered as Elrohir held the concoction to his lips.

“You will,” he replied smirking as threw back the potion in one swallow, handing the cup back to me. “You will.”

We laughed together at that and I held him close to me. Our union was forbidden, what we embarked upon infinitely so, but I love my brother beyond reason and thought, and would for all eternity. We do not count the cost of it for we will pay any price demanded of us.

“It is foul,” he said as he took my hand and guided us to the door.

We approached Ada’s room with nervous confidence. We both knew we were firm in our resolve. They could be no turning back now. With that first sip of bitter liquid Elrohir had placed his foot firmly upon our chosen path and while I still had to sample what the wizard had prepared for me, I had taken hold of his hand to walk with him this distance until my path met his.

Elrohir knocked on the door. We had been forever as one from the time of our birth, unable even to bear that momentary separation. Even at our tender age I could recall our pain at being set apart from each other. Tears cried so hard until they had placed us side by side in the tiny crib. With those thoughts we nonetheless stood apart when the call to enter came. Somehow it did not seem fitting to approach hand in hand. We no longer questioned Ada’s full knowledge of us, nor his tacitly given approval, just as we were no longer as careful within the confines of his realm of our relationship. The secret we had long sheltered between us was unspoken of by many, understood by few, though it seemed to us condemned by fewer. We did not doubt Ada’s ability to read from us our true natures, just as the wizard had done, but his was a parent’s blindness to his children that I had observed in others. They would love and defend their offspring in the face of overwhelming odds. And there could be no less odds than what his sons presented to him.

Ada looked up as we entered the room. It is not always an easy task to read his feelings. For so long he had hidden them under duty and obligation. There was a glimpse of our golden warrior as he swiftly left the room, hurrying through the garden, only one backward glance to us with a nod of his head and a smile. I surmised he knew much of what we were to discuss and it pleased me to know that Ada had one with whom he could confide.

The Lord of Imladris put aside his instruments of writing and pushed aside the parchment. By the slight disarray of his robes, the appearance of addressing some pressing need of the realm was more for our eyes than our wisdom. I glanced down to the chair to hide my look of mirth, managing not to catch Elrohir’s eye as he did the same, for that would have been the undoing of both of us. Our nervousness would find any outlet. We sat a little apart, not ready for what Ada might say, but not able to withdraw.

As Ada looked to us we both met his gaze unhaltingly, all thought of humour fleeing. We had come to him with news he already knew.

“So it is decided.”

It was not a question he asked as he looked to me. I understood that it had been left to me to make the final choice and that he had not doubted it would come to this. All that was left to me was to nod my acceptance. I thought for a brief moment a smile crossed his lips, then was gone so quickly that I doubted I had seen it.

“There are those who must know for their knowledge will be sort. There are those who will discover it for themselves and share it with more. It is not an easy road you tread, it has been walked only by two others whose love for each other would match your own. But even they did not have to endure what you will. There will be no hiding of this.”

I had known this even if I had refused to acknowledge it to myself. Elrohir reached out his hand to me and I gratefully took it. I feared for him and he sought to comfort me. I smiled and gripped his hand tight.

Ada watched us and I felt a shimmer in my mind, a veiled look into the future. I felt slight weight of my son in my arms, felt the soft dark head lean against me and the warm sweet breath on my skin. I did not mistake the glisten of a tear in my father’s eyes as I looked to him, my own vision wavering. Elrohir looked to us both with a nod of his head.

“So be it,” Ada whispered.

“It is so,” my brother replied.

I watched the play between them, something passed one to the other as it had done for Ada and I. I watched the way Elrohir’s features broke into a brilliant smile and I relaxed my hold on him a little. He was happy with what had been revealed to him, I did not need to ask what, that it had not caused him pain was enough for me to know.

What followed next I barely was able to keep to. Ada spoke of many things that were of import, but for me the words danced around the image of the one who would turn vision to reality and I held his hand fast once more.

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I had not realized Elladan held my hand so tight until he released it a little. I clung to his even as I knew what was the cause of his slight reassurance. Ada gave to me another precious glimpse of our sons so soon after their birth. It was a joy to see my brother’s face as he looked upon them and then to me with such happiness within his shed tears. If I had ever doubted the rightness of what we embarked upon it was dispelled with that. I marveled at Ada’s willingness to show me this. It would remain with me as my strength of purpose, no matter what assailed us. As I looked to Ada, I knew he had given me this peace for just that purpose. And I knew with as much surety that he had given Elladan such a gift as mine to steer him through the unknown ahead.

For I did not doubt there would be turbulent times for all of us. I worried for Elladan more than I did for myself, for I knew he worried for me. Knew from his first need to hold me safe along the path down the hillside that he feared most desperately for me more so now we had made this thing come to pass. And from all I had knowledge of him, I feared for him also. The protection of who we were had prevented much open gossip to where we believed implicit acceptance had been made. But on this Ada was correct. It would not be hidden nor would he be able to secure us. There would be words said, harsh words, more to us than any before had confronted us with, and they would pain Elladan more. Not because he was prideful, but he would not see our love sullied, nor me disrespected. I loved him the more for that.

I listened more than he did. Then we departed back to our rooms, leaving Ada to seek out the old knowledge and Gandalf.

“Do you think Ada believes he keeps Glorfindel secret from us?” I asked as I watched my serious brother walk close to me along the quiet corridors. He laughed aloud.

“I believe he does.”

“Just as we believed he had no knowledge of us. I wish him the happiness you have brought me.”

I believed Elladan would have shown me how happy he was in our love had not another walked to us at that moment. We bowed as the other smiled to Elladan and hurried passed us. Elladan followed the figure with a frown until he disappeared from the corridor. He shook his head, as if trying to grasp something that was close to understanding but still so far away. Then he turned his attention to me once more and hurried us back to our rooms. Once more I had the feeling that half a month was going to seem like an age to us.



CHAPTER 10
The Month that follows

The routine was set for us. Each day Elladan handed me the small quantity of foul liquid that I had to swallow. It did not get easier with the passage of time. To me it became more of a chore that I dreaded, waking to think about it in my mouth, the taste not easy to be rid of as it trickled slowly down my throat. We had discovered one thing that eased it and with the half month of abstinence before us, I hoped feverently that the blue jar that sat awaiting me tasted fairer as I would not have Elladan sweet taste to wash that away if it were fouler.

Elladan kept watch on me despite my pleas to him that I had felt no change within me. I would hunt the orc with him as we had always done. Watch and temper his hatred, watch and keep him safe, for in his caring for me he oft times overlooked the loss I would suffer should any thing befall him.

He scolded me for my concern of him, countering that I had taken on a task far more fraught with danger than any army of the Dark Lord. So we watched each other and I shuddered at each graze and scrape he suffered and he pledged to leave me in Imladris at the next patrol. Each knew that what we spoke of would not come to pass, Elladan could no more halt his fighting than I could, yet I knew with regret that there would come a time when that would be what I would have to do. Unconsciously I touched my stomach, flat and hard against my palm. How would I be in months to come I wondered. With certainty not seated on a horse watching the valley below as the black swarm edged closer to us. How would I feel watching Elladan ride off without my sword to aid him? How would it be to have the father of our child brought back to me as a lifeless form? I shook my head. Such thoughts would do no one good and it took away from my watch.

I had not noticed my brother’s presence beside me, only when he squeezed my hand did I rouse from my thoughts to smile at him. He cocked his head to one side and I nodded to him. I was all right, though I missed his company at night while we were abroad on our patrols. I missed his soft touch on my skin and the feel his skin under my caresses. I missed his moans as he surrendered to me.

Elladan smiled broadly.

“Enough, brother.”

I chuckled at his smile. How well we understood each other.

“Soon we will be home and in a comfortable bed.”

He teasingly ran his hand over my thigh before withdrawing it as we were joined by our companions. As I watched him make his way down the side of the hill, I would be glad of a bed warmed by him.

//Soon // I heard in my thoughts and I followed behind him. It did not help to look upon the sway of his body as he rode. It would not be soon enough.

The horde had little idea what befell them. We cut our way through their ranks even with the small numbers we had. Elladan led with skill and authority, and we reacted without hesitation to him, groomed as we were to the commands. I held my breath as he finished off the last of them, black blood covering his clothes, spattered across his face. I viewed with keen vision any part of him that showed the red of his own blood.

He looked carefully about him, scanning our troop for any sign that one of our number had fallen. He looked at last to me, knowing that any hurt would have been known to him without the need to see. He smiled broadly as he wiped the blood from his face with his sleeve. With a nod we began to dispose of the remains of our foe.

“We ride for home,” Elladan quietly announced once our tasks had been completed. He mounted his mare with ease though I knew he was as tired as the rest of us. “It is time for a little more comfort.”

I would not disagree with him. We had ridden and fought hard these past days and the borders where more safe for our work. His horse wheeled and we set off in flight behind him. At last the stench of killing was left behind us, replaced by the fragrance of the green woods. Elladan raised his hand to halt. I could hear the sound of the water close by and smiled.

Our camp set, I knew where I would find my brother. He sat with his back to me and the bank of the stream. I could feel his welcome to me as I sat beside him.

“No rainbows,’ he murmured, “but what I have is as wondrous to me.” His arm came around my shoulders, I rested my head on his, certain none would come this way having seen me depart. Though little was said and we were ever cautious, but those we rode with would not disturb us.

He pressed his head against mine and so we sat for many minutes. We often had no need for words, the presence of one with the other enough balm to our souls.

I could feel him smile against me and turned to look into sparkling gray eyes.

“One day we will teach our son how to hunt.”

“And if our child is to be a daughter?”

He laughed, and I smiled. I loved the sound of his unbridled laughter, a sound not often heard when on patrol and he was solemn, feeling the burden of leadership heavy on his shoulders

“Then we shall teach her to hunt also.”

I truly laughed then, picturing our sister as she was taught to wield the sword. If a child of ours grew up as skilled then we would have done well.

The laughter stilled as Elladan placed his hand over my stomach.

“I still cannot see it,” he murmured, ‘I still do not know if this is the path I wish you to take.”

I brought his hand to my lips.

“It is done now Elladan, there is no path back for us.”

I worried at his doubts as I knew it was fear for me that caused them. He had not spoke of anything he had foreseen for us. I hoped he would trust to me.

He frowned at my words, his eyes flashing with some anger barely contained within him. I held his hand tight in mine, even as he tried to shake free.

“Elladan, I have seen, I trust to that vision, trust in it with me.”

My brother nods his head unsure that he can. Then he turns to kiss me fiercely.

“I fear being alone, a life without you.”

I cannot help the soft laugh. How alike we are.

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I listened to my brother’s words and I did trust. I could not tell him then what I had seen, that I had seen the blood on my hands.

“The month is almost half done, I would have us back in our bed by tomorrow’s moon,” I whisper to him. He has been set on this path, he strides with more confidence than I, but I will walk beside him as I have promised. He is right, there was no return for us. His body changes though he says he feels nothing. Our need for each other is as strong. We will rise at dawn and trek home. Ada will greet us and we will bathe and take to our rooms, for he will not detain us.

“I think the melancholy is borne of what we must do and my longing for food that is warm,” I tell him as we sit together. I have nothing but admiration and love for what he is doing for me and I tell him once more. I have no wish to cast shadows on his gift to me. I remember the unknown elf who appears when I am cast in doubt. I remember the blood, but I remember also the tiny bundle that is placed in my arms and the ragged whisper of my brother as he sees our child. I remember that gift of foresight granted to me by one who knows more than he will tell. His quiet reassurance none the less comforts me as much as the battle roughened hand that now traces patterns on my skin.

“You shall have your bed,” my brother whispered as his hand slips under the belt that ties my leggings, “and I shall soothe away the melancholy.”

“You do much to soothe me now,” I whisper back to him. Elrohir laughs, how I love that sound of that.

“I hope that it does.” That is all I allow him to say as I pull him into a deep kiss.

Our journey home is marked by little. Unchallenged we approached the borders of Imladris and drive toward our home. Elrohir and I are not the only ones who have missed what is offered there. There are those who long for meetings with loved ones. As we enter the courtyard those who by necessity are left behind gather. I am relieved now and I allow myself to cease the vigil I feel I must maintain when we are far from home. It tires me more than I will say, more than I know myself until we reach home and the weight of such responsibility is lifted from my shoulders. Our injuries have been few and I have returned all to the arms of kin and lovers. As I dismount my eyes stray to one such greeting. I nod to the elf who is becoming so familiar to me, yet remains on the edge of knowing. He nods in return to me. I had not known that the young one they greet once more had accompanied us. It matters not, he is safe returned to those who will protect him now. I keep my vigil of them until Elrohir speaks to me. There is such love between them I cannot help but wonder at how they came to be, these three who melt into the crowd as my attention is taken for that short moment.

“Come,” my brother urges to me, “let us make our report and seek the solace of bath and bed.”

I find once more that I cannot disagree with my brother, or fault his wisdom.