I'm Going Slightly Mad!

Oh lordie... okay listen up! I have a feeling I'm going to regret posting this, but I'm doing it anyway... IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR LITERARY BRILLIANCE MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE!!!!! IT'S A CRACKFIC AS IN NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!! Sorry, just covering some bases... I'm not in the mood to be flamed.

Title: I'm Going Slightly Mad

Author: Lydia NightShade

Rating: Strong R I think.

Pairings: Vig/Orli-bear, maybe some others implied

Warnings: total crackfic… RPS… my muses… swearing… crazy, possibly
not too funny humor… it's all in your tastes I suppose.

Disclaimer: Well, I think it's obvious that this is all a bunch of lies and I don't know these gentlemen or who they're screwing!

Summary: An evil marionette terrorizes out sexy boys… specifically
Orli-bear! My muses come in because… they wanted to!

Beta: It's not worth the beauty that are my betas

Feedback: I would like to know if this is any good or if it's just
dumb. It's not like I expect it to be /brilliant/, but I would like
to know if it was a complete flop or not.

Author's Notes: Okay! My buddy has this creepy mother-fucking
marionette! Her aunt bought it for her, because she (the aunt) had
one and showed it to my buddy on one of our drunken FOTR viewings.
Now maybe because I was tipsy when I saw it I found just even more
hellishly chilling… but I'm not alone in thinking this thing can only
be destroyed by fire! It's evil! The thing is huge and it feels just
like a dead body and it looks like that creepy fucking orc that
chases Mary and Pippin into Fangorn!! I swear on all that is sacred
to me! I begged my friend to let me burn it when her aunt got her
one, but she wouldn't let me. So I thought about making this into a
scary story, but then it just screamed crackfic and if I made it
scary I'd probably just scare myself more than anyone else lol.

Author's Notes 2: I'm very, very sorry.


Laughter and moans resonated off the walls of the modest New
Zealand home. Two men lay on the bed, one much younger than the
other. The young man had a mohawk of dark brown curls and a firm
slim frame. The older man had shoulder length, straight brown hair
and a more muscular build. The older man was nestled between the
younger ones thighs, sucking his youthful cock.

"Oh, Viggo… mmm… so good," Orli moaned, digging his fingers
into his lover's hair. "More baby… more… I'm so close…" Viggo smiled
around his lover's cock and bobbed his head faster. He loved it when
Orlando lost control and just surrendered to his ministrations.

"Uhhh… ahhhh… mmm…" Orlando arched off the bed and waited for
the imminent orgasm.

~Ding Dong~

"Doorbell." Viggo chimed stopping his work. Orlando's head
shot up and he looked at Viggo incredulously.

"Ignore it!" he barked, his cock painfully hard and his balls
tight, ready for release.

"Could be important… I better go get it." Viggo raced out of
the room, wearing only his jeans. Orlando remained on the mattress
eyes blazing, twitching and scoffing in disbelief.

"Ack! Ick! Eek! Aarrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" he
screeched as he grabbed his cock and started jerking off furiously.
He came quickly throwing his head back and gasping loudly.

"Oooooooooohhhhh… thank you!" he whispered to the heavens as
he came, spraying his seed everywhere. He lay on the bed twitching
and sighing from the magical feeling for while, before he remembered
the cruel position his lover had left him in. "I'll kill the
wanker!" he hissed, getting up and bolting out of the bedroom.

"You sodding twat! What's the big idea leaving me with blue balls the
size of Australia!" He placed his hands on his hips, as he stood in
the foyer in all his naked glory. Viggo cleared his throat and nodded
pointedly at the deliveryman standing agape in the doorway.

"What? Never seen a naked Brit before?! He was sucking me off good
and proper before you came along ya tit!"

"Orlando! What's wrong with you?! That's so rude!" Orlando shrank
away slightly and gave Vig a humble look.

"I… I don't know Vig… it's like someone else is controlling my every
move… even what I say… BEEP BEEP ZIP BANG!!" he shouted suddenly.
They all stood bug eyed as Orlando slapped his hands over his mouth.

"What the hell was that?" Viggo asked dumbfounded… and rather
amused. Orlando shrugged his shoulders and blushed.

"Um… excuse me, but I only have one scene in this and I wanted to get
it done." The deliveryman chimed in.

"Oh yes, sorry." Viggo apologized. The man cleared his throat and
dawned a period hat that looked like something a Mr. Will Turner
would wear.

"Hark! Good sirs, I have a most important parcel for you." He had
suddenly gotten a medieval accent and bent to one knee as he thrust
the package into Viggo's arms. "Please sighith onith the dotted
lineith!" He bowed and held up the company pen as if it was Aundruil
itself.

"Ok……." Viggo took the pen and signed quickly, frightened slightly by
the Shakespearian display. He took the package and shut the
door. "Oi, this is heavy… wonder what it is."

"Who sent it?" Orli asked, finally daring to take his hands from his
mouth.

"Um… Plot Point Postal…" Viggo looked up perplexed before he shivered
slightly. "That's unsettling…"

"Open it! Maybe it's a present!" Orli beamed, jumping up and down.

"Or some clothes… your still starkers you know." Orli shrugged and
leaned back against the counter. A bushel of grapes suddenly
appeared in his hands and rose petals fell around him as harps chimed
and an angelic light bathed him in golden glory.

"What can I say…" he purred. "I'm the stuff infidelity is made of!"
He plucked a grape from the bottom and chewed it slowly. "I'm
gorgeous!" Viggo frowned, annoyed, grabbing the grapes and squeezing
them until the juice was dripping from his fingers.

"Put on some close." The music screeched to a halt and the light
blipped out. Orli frowned and shuffled off to the bedroom.

"You Americans… so cynical." Viggo rolled his eyes and dug into the
package. He got to a small brown box with straw sticking out the
sides and furrowed his brow… what the hell was this thing? He lifted
open the decent sized lid and gazed at the single most frightening
sight of his life.

"Oh… wow… that's fucking creepy…" he laughed, looking at the orc-like
marionette. "Orlando! Come here you gotta see this!" he called,
laughing at the sheer evilness coming from the object. Orlando came
trotting in wearing his famous red and white stripped ruffled shirt
and a pair of green poke-a-dot boxers.

"What is it?"

"It's a marionette…" Viggo said amuse

"Yay! I love toys!" Orli-bear beamed, bouncing and clapping his hands
like a little kid. He looked into the box and immediately turned
white.

"Oh god! Ahhhhhh!! What the bloody fuck is that!! Kill it! Kill
it!!" He ran behind Viggo and hid.

"It's not going to kill you Orli… besides… I think it's kinda neat."
He picked up the head and held it. "Oh awesome! It feels just like a
dead body!" He picked up the puppet of Satan and made it walk toward
his lover. "Look ain't it cool!" He chimed, sounding more like his
son than the man of 42 that he was.

"Eeeeee! Get that thing away from me! Oh god it's staring at me!
Viggo let's burn it! That's something that can only be destroyed by
fire!" Viggo didn't answer, he only made the freaky object dance a
jig.

"Hehehehee… this is fucking awesome!" Viggo giggled. Orli pouted as
he noticed his lover's complete lack of interest in his terror.

"I hate you!" He stormed past the man and went to make breakfast in
their adjoining kitchen. "No good will come of this! Do you hear
me?! Twillwill only end in tears!! Tears I tell you! Tears!!" He
shook his finger at Viggo, but that man was too engrossed in making
the demon in disguise hump his leg.

"Hahaha! Henry's gonna love this!" he laughed. Orlando narrowed his
eyes and pursed his lips in annoyance, slamming the frying pan on the
stove. He picked up an egg to make Vig a nice omelet when he found
the creature staring him in the face.

"Sweet Jesus!" he screeched, almost falling on his ass.

"Aw, come on Orli-bear why don't you like me?" he heard Viggo's voice
mimicking what he imagined the puppet to sound like.

"Errrraaaahhhh!" Orli started twitching and squeezed the egg
unconsciously.

"I love you Orli-bear… come play with me! I'll hump your leg!"

~Crack!~

"Aw god!" Orli shouted as egg went flying everywhere. "Fuck
Vig! Look what you made me do!" he whined, as he ran to the sink to
clean his hand and wipe off his shirt.

"You have egg on your face Orli, dear." Viggo offered good-
naturedly.

"Oh hahahahaha fuck you!" Orli bitched, wiping his
face. "Make your own damn omelet!" He stormed off into the living
room and turned on the TV. He heard his lover's approach and the
marionette was placed on the sofa opposite him.

"He can keep you company." Orli flipped him off and flicked
the channels. After a few moments he couldn't take it anymore… he
knew it was silly but the thing was /staring/ at him. He picked up
the blanket draped over the back of the couch and approached the
puppet slowly as if it would see him and dodge.

"Eeeeiiiiccckkk!" he squeaked as he tossed the blanket over
the satanic artifact and went back to his show. A few moments passed
with no incident… than he heard it.

"Orlando…" a small, evil, voice cooed. He sighed and shouted
towards the kitchen.

"Very funny Vig! So funny I forgot to laugh!" He grumbled
something about a stupid artsy fartsy old bastard and went back to
the TV.

"Orlando…." The voice cooed again. Orli turned to the kitchen
again, but he heard the sounds of Viggo busy at cooking and singing
to the radio.

"How?" he pondered confusedly.

"Orlando…" the voice came again, this time more impatient.
Orli paled and turned slightly toward the other sofa.

"No way…." He scoffed fearfully. The blanket moved and the
three-foot marionette was staring back at him. Orlando started
crying. "Oh man! Oh gods please don't let this be happening!" He
squealed burying his head in the pillow.

"Don't you want to play with me?" it asked evilly, slowly
getting up and walking towards him.

"No fucking way!" Orli screeched jumping over the back of the
sofa backwards. He ended up in a most undignified position with his
legs in the air. "…owwww" he groaned, rubbing his bum. The
marionette came round the corner and laughed.

"You look funny… give me your soul!!!" It hissed, flying at
Orlando.

"Ahhhhhh!!!" It clung to his neck and he started thrashing.
He stood up and continued pulling and fighting.

"Stop struggling! I need your soul!! Rahr!!" It growled,
licking its lips.

"Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!" Orli
shrieked, flailing his arms and prancing around the living room.

"What the hell's the matter with you?!" Viggo shouted,
charging in. He found his lover fighting off the inanimate object
and just had to laugh. "Um… Orli?" He snickered. "Is everything
okay?"

"It's trying to eat my soul!" he yelled, running towards
Vig.

"It's a puppet." Viggo explained. Orli looked at him in
shock and then noticed that the puppet had stopped attacking him. He
blushed and let it drop to the floor.

"But… but… but… it really was trying to eat my soul!" he
whined.

"I know it was baby." Viggo cooed, wrapping his arm around
his lover and leading him back to the kitchen. "Let's have some
breakfast okay?"

"But, but, but, but, but, but," Orli continued pointing at
the evil plaything playing dead on their carpet. Vig smacked the
back of his head and he stopped.

"You were stuck." He explained and Orli fumed.

"I'm not crazy! It's possessed!"

"Suuuurrrrre it is… and I'm a disco loving drag queen." Orli
sighed and allowed himself to be led to the kitchen.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

tbc...