A Night In Moria

A Night In Moria

Rating: The Lord only knso lso lets just say NC17
Pairings: Legolas/Pippin, Merry/Sam, Frodo/Aragorn
Summary: What really went on in Moria
Warnings: I think everyone needs to be warned that I ain’t funny, I try writing a humor fic and it’s probably turned out horenous, so read at your own risk.
Disclaimer: I’d give my right arm to own Merry, Pippin and Frodo (and the actors who play them) but they belong to the late Mister Tolkien and his descendants (and the actors belong to their parents, hee, hee).
Mistress Brandybuck’s (author) Notes: It’s that important it needs saying twice. I can’t write humor, though the Valar knows I tried, I bloody tried.

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“I have no memory of this place,” Gandalf told the Fellowship.
“Well that’s just wonderful” Boromir declared sarcastically “and what do you suggest we do now”
“We shall have to stay here for the night and hope it comes back to me” Gandalf replied sternly.
“Oh good because I’m bored and tired” Merry complained.
“I’m sure I could find something to do to relieve your boredom” Sam grinned.
“Not right now my darling, I’m fucked”
ht tht then I’ll just go over here and sulk then shall I” Sam yelled slumping into a corner.
“There’s no need to be like that” Merry shot back
“There’s every need, my little whore”
“Enough” Gandalf bellowed “Silence both of you” he ordered.
Aragorn turned to Frodo
“Come sit with me my precious” he whispered.
Frodo gladly followed and Pippin went and sat beside Merry. Gimli stood like a statue with his axe in his hand and Boromir at his side, Gandalf went and sat far away from the fellowship and Legolas stood in between them all, his eyes frequently gazing in the general direction of Pippin.
“Are we lost” Pippin whispered to Merry.
“No” Merry whispered back
“I thie are are”
“Shh Gandalf’s thinking”
“Merry”
“What”
“I’m hungry”
“Well why don’t you go over there and see what Sam’s got,” Merry told him
Sam grumbled at Merry’s comment and folded his arms across his chest.
“I’m not just the cook around here you know”
“I know” Merry insisted.
“I am good for other things, you know”
“Oh really, like what” Merry asked.
“You know very well Master Brandybuck, you overbearing nit-wit”
“Oh I’ve had enough of this” Pippin said as he pulled himself to his feet and walked away from the arguing hobbits.
“Do you mind” another voice came.
The hobbits stared over at where Aragorn was sitting with Frodo in his lap. One hand inside Frodo’s breeches, the other in his dark curls.
“I am trying to get Frodo off to sleep”
“That’s a funny technique for getting someone to sleep,” said Sam.
Aragorn glared at him
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Master Samwise, now would you two mind giving us all a little peace and quiet”
At that Merry and Sam remained silent.
Pippin meanwhile was now stood beside Legolas.
‘Hello, are are you doing’ Pippin asked.
‘I’m thinking young halfling’ Legolas replied.
‘About what’
‘Things that a hobbit shouldn’t have to hear’
‘Oh, well then I’ll just go and sit over here’
Pippin retreated and sat down, very close to Legolas.
‘It’s getting really hot in here isn’t it’ Pippin chirped.
Legolas stayed silent.
‘You don’t mind if I take my jacket off do you’
Still the elf stayed silent, but as Pippin began to unbutton and remove his green jacket, his eyes wandered.
‘Pippin are you mad’ Merry enquired ‘it’s freezing in here’
‘Well I’m hot’ Pippin insisted.
‘Merry is right, Pippin, maybe you shoult yot you’re jacket back on’ Legolas advised.
‘You sound as if you want me to boil to death’ Pippin joked.
Legolas gave up and returned to his thoughts. They were short lived, though, his glance reverted back to Pippin.
The young hobbit was now lying on his back with his hands behind his head, his shirt hitched up a tiny bit at the bottom, revealing a glimpse of his creamy skin. Legolas shock his head and turned away again, Pippin was obviously cold, for Legolas could see and sense his shivering.
‘What is he playing at’ the elf thought.
‘Has anyone got a drink’ Pippin asked.
Merry sighed and got up; he knew all too well what Pippin was up to.
‘Here’ he said handing him a flash of water.
‘Thank you Merry’
Merry went and sat back down.
‘Merry’ Sam blurted out ‘not only have you been in my pack but you’re giving away the water we are meant to be saving for emergencies’
‘It’s only water’ Merry argued.
‘That’s not the point, you still took it without asking me’
‘Well what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours’ Merry laughed.
‘You talk as if we’re married’ Sam snorted ‘well we’re not’
‘No and at this rate we never will be’ Merry shot back.
‘Oh damn’ Pippin suddenly squealed.
‘What’s wrong’ Legolas asked.
‘I’ve spilt the water all down my shirt’ the mischievous hobbit replied.
At that Pippin stood up and began to unbutton his shirt.
‘Legolas, um, could you give me a hand, I’m not very good with buttons’
‘Pippin, you’re 28 years old, you know how to unbutton a shirt’ Merry insisted.
‘Legolas’ Pippin said again flashing him a cheeky smile.
Legolas reluctantly went and started on Pippin’s buttons.
Fout out of nowhere Gandalf turned and bellowed
‘Peregrin Took, stop being such a fof flf flirt and stay silent’
‘Gandalf, you have just woken Frodo’ Aragorn complained.
‘Well then he shall just have to go back to sleep, if those confounded hobbits will keep quiet’
‘It’s okay Gandalf’ Frodo said ‘I’m awake now’
Gandalf huffed and went back to his thinking, while Aragorn turned to Frodo and whispered.
‘Gandalf is just a little jealous because he’s not getting any attention’
‘I heard that Aragorn’ Gandalf shouted.
‘Well is it not true my dear friend’
‘Indeed it is not’ Gandalf declared in a mostonvionvincing tone ‘I am frustrated because I’m not being permitted to think, and you all neglect to realize that is I cannot think, then how am I to find a way out of this cursed place’
Without another word he turned again and threw his head into his hands.
Meanwhile Legolas had removed Pippins s and and he now stood gazing at he whole of the hobbits milky white chest.
‘Pippin, have you been flirting’ he asked.
‘Maybe’ Pippin smiled.
‘Well I think you will find, my young hobbit that I could do a better job than you’ Legolas told him as he lowered his lips and brushed them against Pippins.
As soon as the hobbit was beginning to enjoy it, Legolas pulled away and walked off.
‘Now that is not flirting’ Pippin protested ‘that is teasing’
‘It is the same thing’ Legolas assured him with a smile.
Pippin’s cheeks now turned bright red and he filled with frustration. It is safe to say that the hobbit did not like being teased.

TBC