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The Bint with a Thousand Names
folder
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,710
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,710
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Bint with a Thousand Names
The Bint with a Thousand Names
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
Boromir/Legolas
R.
All recognisable characters belong to Tolkien, except SugaryLime. Not that I’m recognisable, but hey. As usual, the commentary is ten times as long as the actual fic. Bless.
__________
SugaryLime: I found this here fic on FanFiction.net. Is anyone surprised? They seem to have the highest number of shite!fics of any site I’ve been to. I can’t tell if this is a serious endeavour, or if the author was taking the piss, but in any case, it is top fodder for The Gay Shagging Cats. Cheers.
Legolas: Hey, SugaryLime. You going to sit through this thing with me, or do I get to have someone shaggable?
SugaryLime: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Legolas: No offence intended, it’s just that, well, you know.
SugaryLime: Try it, you might like it.
Legolas: I’ll keep that in mind.
SugaryLime: Yeah, okay. Aragorn’s on holiday. You want Boromir?
Legolas: Sure.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER. . .
Boromir: Hey, Legolas! Brought some Guinness. Thought we might need it.
SugaryLime: Hand one over this way. Here we go, gents.
//
Disclaimer, I only own my amazingly wonderful character Elanore!!! I know you all love her but you cant take her!!! I want to own the super hot legalos but ow iow i cant so he belongs to J.R.R Tolkien.
//
Legolas: I wonder if Tolkien knows he owns the super hot legalos.
Boromir: The apostrophe is your friend.
Legolas: So is the upper case letter.
//
This is my very first story! I hope you all like it as much as i do!!
//
Legolas: Hey, you’re your own biggest fan.
Boromir: Judging by the reviews she got, she’s her only fan.
//
Please review! No flames!
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
//
Legolas: Oh, looky! She’s called the Army of Emoticon Smilies out to ensure no one flames her!
Boromir: It worked so well!
//
Elanore Rose Amanda Julia Lillian Titian Diatrim shook her head furously, her long long long long blonde hair with red and violet streaks swishing violently, the ends brushing her ankles, her beautiful golden eyes with red and blue streaks and green rims filled with frustrated tears.
//
Legolas: All the voices in her head have names. Isn’t that precious?
Boromir: Hey, her hair’s longer than yours. Isn’t that a contract violation? Not nearly as pretty though.
Legolas: [blushes] You can touch it.
Boromir: [touches Legolas’ hair] Mm, silky.
SugaryLime: Ahem. Her eyes? No comments?
Legolas: You should have put that in a different paragraph. I’m busy getting touched over here.
Boromir: Her eyes are hideously colourful. There, issue addressed. Now piss off.
SugaryLime: Look, I can have you thrown out of here.
Boromir: Okay, sorry. Can you excuse us for a moment?
SugaryLime: But I like to watch. Please can I stay?
Legolas: I know you do, you pervy thing you. Yeah, you can stay.
SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER. . .
Boromir: Legolas, you scream like a girl.
SugaryLime: [sheepishly] Sorry. That was me. What? You didn’t expect me to sit through that and not. . .
//
She opened her mouth, wich had full ruby red lips and rows of straight glistening white teeth to let a wail out.
//
Legolas: What is she, a shark? All those teeth. . .
//
It was a melodiuos wail, striking sadness and sympanthy in the hearts of any listeners for this sad and amazening beautiful creature who was obviously in such heart rending pain.
//
Boromir: Mel-o-di-ous. Sym-pa-thy. Am-a-zing.
Legolas: Anyone who reads this will be in head-splitting pain. Like me, right now.
//
“Oh why, oh why are they ever so cruel to me? Do they not love me? Am i not their precous daughter? Oh woe is me! How ever shall I survive this aweful tragedy?” her voice was resoundingly melodous, like the shimmering gossamer wings of a butterfly beating in the air.
//
Legolas: Ehm, what?
Boromir: I’ve got a few ideas why her parents can’t stand her. Many of which refer to her utter lack of intelligence.
Legolas: And writing skills.
//
Her parents were truly cruel to her, denying her her one true love, the Lord of the Rings movie on dvd.
//
Legolas: This has got to be a piss-take. There is no way in hell someone could write like this on accident.
SugaryLime: Ehm, you haven’t read BoG, have you, Legolas?
Legolas: No. . .
SugaryLime: Go have a shufty.
//
Sobbing at the heartbreak of it all, she threw herself on her bed and wrapped her blue silk covered arms about her pillow as she burried her head in its soft comfortable embrace.
//
Bor Boromir: Figured her arms would be covered with skin like everyone else’s.
Legolas: It must be a Mary Sue trait. Extreme beauty, gorgeous eyes, and blue silk-covered arms.
SugaryLime: I want to know where she got a pillow that hugs back. Cos you know, mine just sort of lies there.
Legolas and Boromir: What the fuck?
SugaryLime: Got to have some kind of entertainment between weekends.
Legolas: Riiight.
//
Elanore was a perfectly normal girl, she got good grades, had good attendance, listened to her parents, enjoyed reading and writing and dancing and singing amd cooking, she always kept her room clean as well.
//
SugaryLime: She is clearly not a normal girl.
Boromir: What’s amd cooking?
Legolas: Obviously a batch of crank. Which one must smoke prior to reading this shit in order to maintain one’s sanity.
Boromir: Huh?
Legolas: Nevermind. Lame attempt at humour.
Boromir: I suppose it’s only fitting, since this is a lame attempt at writing.
//
The only things special about her was her beauty and her great love of the lord of the rings, after seeing the first movie in theaters she wanted to know everything about this marvelous universe, so she checked the great trilodgy out from the school library.
//
Boromir: You know that key on your keyboard with SHIFT printed on it? Use the fucking thing.
Legolas: Yeah, that would be just great. And if you used the spell-checker, that’d be great as well.
Boromir: Great. That and subject-pronoun agreement. That’d be great.
Legolas: Know what else would be great?
Boromir: What else would be great?
Legolas: If you took that great big dick of yours and . . . yeah, that’s it.
Boromir: How’s that feel?
Legolas: Great.
//
That absilutly wonderful world contained within drew her like a butterfly to flowers, like a unicorn to purity.
//
Legolas: [ringing Daft Metaphor Extermination Squad™] Yeah, got one over here about unicorns. Yup. I’ll put it in a cage out front. Thanks.
//
She was also completely in love with the gorguos elf prince that lived withing the books and movies.
//
Legolas: So, not only am I the prettiest, but I’m also gorgous.
Boromir: Never withed a book. How does one go about it?
Legolas: Maybe it’s like withing on a star. Thtar light, thtar bright, firtht thtar I thee tonight, I with I may, I with I might, have thith with I with tonight. . .
//
She wished with all her heart to be a marvelous elf maiden who he would fall in love with, like she had with him.
//
Boromir: Hmm, you were right.
Legolas: I read ahead.
//
“ oh! But it shall never be so! He will never love me, for i am no beauty, nor half as intelligent and amazingly skilled as he!” Elanore sobbed, thinking of her beloved elf.
//
Legolas: That and you’re a girl. I don’t do girls. Eww.
SugaryLime: I swear, give me five minutes, and you’ll change your mind.
Legolas: For the last time: No.
SugaryLime: [kneels in front of Legolas]
Legolas: . . .
FIVE MINUTES LATER. . .
Legolas: Ehm.
SugaryLime: Heh.
//
Turning over onto her back, she reached for her lord of the rings book so that she could read once more about her beloved and have dreams about being his.
//
Boromir: Is it just me, or is this girl fucking pathetic? Go find a man.
Legolas: Pathetic only half covers it, mate.
SugaryLime: Maybe she has found a man, but she’s a eunuch. *nods to Pirates of the Caribbean*
//
She opened the book, but as she was doing this she felt an odd feeling come over her.
//
Legolas: [as odd feeling] Wank, wank, splat.
SugaryLime: Yuck.
//
Elanore vanished with into the book that fell silentl to the bed, the pages apen, breifly revealing a swirling portal that vanished, leaving the room untouched yet taking with it the young beauty that resided there.
//
Boromir: [as book] I hate it when my pages are apen. Evolve, damn you!
Legolas: [stares blankly at Boromir] Okay. . .
//
(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:
TBC!!!!!!!!
//
Legolas: Now we must sneak past the Guard Smilies and run like hell for the exits.
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
Boromir/Legolas
R.
All recognisable characters belong to Tolkien, except SugaryLime. Not that I’m recognisable, but hey. As usual, the commentary is ten times as long as the actual fic. Bless.
__________
SugaryLime: I found this here fic on FanFiction.net. Is anyone surprised? They seem to have the highest number of shite!fics of any site I’ve been to. I can’t tell if this is a serious endeavour, or if the author was taking the piss, but in any case, it is top fodder for The Gay Shagging Cats. Cheers.
Legolas: Hey, SugaryLime. You going to sit through this thing with me, or do I get to have someone shaggable?
SugaryLime: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Legolas: No offence intended, it’s just that, well, you know.
SugaryLime: Try it, you might like it.
Legolas: I’ll keep that in mind.
SugaryLime: Yeah, okay. Aragorn’s on holiday. You want Boromir?
Legolas: Sure.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER. . .
Boromir: Hey, Legolas! Brought some Guinness. Thought we might need it.
SugaryLime: Hand one over this way. Here we go, gents.
//
Disclaimer, I only own my amazingly wonderful character Elanore!!! I know you all love her but you cant take her!!! I want to own the super hot legalos but ow iow i cant so he belongs to J.R.R Tolkien.
//
Legolas: I wonder if Tolkien knows he owns the super hot legalos.
Boromir: The apostrophe is your friend.
Legolas: So is the upper case letter.
//
This is my very first story! I hope you all like it as much as i do!!
//
Legolas: Hey, you’re your own biggest fan.
Boromir: Judging by the reviews she got, she’s her only fan.
//
Please review! No flames!
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
//
Legolas: Oh, looky! She’s called the Army of Emoticon Smilies out to ensure no one flames her!
Boromir: It worked so well!
//
Elanore Rose Amanda Julia Lillian Titian Diatrim shook her head furously, her long long long long blonde hair with red and violet streaks swishing violently, the ends brushing her ankles, her beautiful golden eyes with red and blue streaks and green rims filled with frustrated tears.
//
Legolas: All the voices in her head have names. Isn’t that precious?
Boromir: Hey, her hair’s longer than yours. Isn’t that a contract violation? Not nearly as pretty though.
Legolas: [blushes] You can touch it.
Boromir: [touches Legolas’ hair] Mm, silky.
SugaryLime: Ahem. Her eyes? No comments?
Legolas: You should have put that in a different paragraph. I’m busy getting touched over here.
Boromir: Her eyes are hideously colourful. There, issue addressed. Now piss off.
SugaryLime: Look, I can have you thrown out of here.
Boromir: Okay, sorry. Can you excuse us for a moment?
SugaryLime: But I like to watch. Please can I stay?
Legolas: I know you do, you pervy thing you. Yeah, you can stay.
SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER. . .
Boromir: Legolas, you scream like a girl.
SugaryLime: [sheepishly] Sorry. That was me. What? You didn’t expect me to sit through that and not. . .
//
She opened her mouth, wich had full ruby red lips and rows of straight glistening white teeth to let a wail out.
//
Legolas: What is she, a shark? All those teeth. . .
//
It was a melodiuos wail, striking sadness and sympanthy in the hearts of any listeners for this sad and amazening beautiful creature who was obviously in such heart rending pain.
//
Boromir: Mel-o-di-ous. Sym-pa-thy. Am-a-zing.
Legolas: Anyone who reads this will be in head-splitting pain. Like me, right now.
//
“Oh why, oh why are they ever so cruel to me? Do they not love me? Am i not their precous daughter? Oh woe is me! How ever shall I survive this aweful tragedy?” her voice was resoundingly melodous, like the shimmering gossamer wings of a butterfly beating in the air.
//
Legolas: Ehm, what?
Boromir: I’ve got a few ideas why her parents can’t stand her. Many of which refer to her utter lack of intelligence.
Legolas: And writing skills.
//
Her parents were truly cruel to her, denying her her one true love, the Lord of the Rings movie on dvd.
//
Legolas: This has got to be a piss-take. There is no way in hell someone could write like this on accident.
SugaryLime: Ehm, you haven’t read BoG, have you, Legolas?
Legolas: No. . .
SugaryLime: Go have a shufty.
//
Sobbing at the heartbreak of it all, she threw herself on her bed and wrapped her blue silk covered arms about her pillow as she burried her head in its soft comfortable embrace.
//
Bor Boromir: Figured her arms would be covered with skin like everyone else’s.
Legolas: It must be a Mary Sue trait. Extreme beauty, gorgeous eyes, and blue silk-covered arms.
SugaryLime: I want to know where she got a pillow that hugs back. Cos you know, mine just sort of lies there.
Legolas and Boromir: What the fuck?
SugaryLime: Got to have some kind of entertainment between weekends.
Legolas: Riiight.
//
Elanore was a perfectly normal girl, she got good grades, had good attendance, listened to her parents, enjoyed reading and writing and dancing and singing amd cooking, she always kept her room clean as well.
//
SugaryLime: She is clearly not a normal girl.
Boromir: What’s amd cooking?
Legolas: Obviously a batch of crank. Which one must smoke prior to reading this shit in order to maintain one’s sanity.
Boromir: Huh?
Legolas: Nevermind. Lame attempt at humour.
Boromir: I suppose it’s only fitting, since this is a lame attempt at writing.
//
The only things special about her was her beauty and her great love of the lord of the rings, after seeing the first movie in theaters she wanted to know everything about this marvelous universe, so she checked the great trilodgy out from the school library.
//
Boromir: You know that key on your keyboard with SHIFT printed on it? Use the fucking thing.
Legolas: Yeah, that would be just great. And if you used the spell-checker, that’d be great as well.
Boromir: Great. That and subject-pronoun agreement. That’d be great.
Legolas: Know what else would be great?
Boromir: What else would be great?
Legolas: If you took that great big dick of yours and . . . yeah, that’s it.
Boromir: How’s that feel?
Legolas: Great.
//
That absilutly wonderful world contained within drew her like a butterfly to flowers, like a unicorn to purity.
//
Legolas: [ringing Daft Metaphor Extermination Squad™] Yeah, got one over here about unicorns. Yup. I’ll put it in a cage out front. Thanks.
//
She was also completely in love with the gorguos elf prince that lived withing the books and movies.
//
Legolas: So, not only am I the prettiest, but I’m also gorgous.
Boromir: Never withed a book. How does one go about it?
Legolas: Maybe it’s like withing on a star. Thtar light, thtar bright, firtht thtar I thee tonight, I with I may, I with I might, have thith with I with tonight. . .
//
She wished with all her heart to be a marvelous elf maiden who he would fall in love with, like she had with him.
//
Boromir: Hmm, you were right.
Legolas: I read ahead.
//
“ oh! But it shall never be so! He will never love me, for i am no beauty, nor half as intelligent and amazingly skilled as he!” Elanore sobbed, thinking of her beloved elf.
//
Legolas: That and you’re a girl. I don’t do girls. Eww.
SugaryLime: I swear, give me five minutes, and you’ll change your mind.
Legolas: For the last time: No.
SugaryLime: [kneels in front of Legolas]
Legolas: . . .
FIVE MINUTES LATER. . .
Legolas: Ehm.
SugaryLime: Heh.
//
Turning over onto her back, she reached for her lord of the rings book so that she could read once more about her beloved and have dreams about being his.
//
Boromir: Is it just me, or is this girl fucking pathetic? Go find a man.
Legolas: Pathetic only half covers it, mate.
SugaryLime: Maybe she has found a man, but she’s a eunuch. *nods to Pirates of the Caribbean*
//
She opened the book, but as she was doing this she felt an odd feeling come over her.
//
Legolas: [as odd feeling] Wank, wank, splat.
SugaryLime: Yuck.
//
Elanore vanished with into the book that fell silentl to the bed, the pages apen, breifly revealing a swirling portal that vanished, leaving the room untouched yet taking with it the young beauty that resided there.
//
Boromir: [as book] I hate it when my pages are apen. Evolve, damn you!
Legolas: [stares blankly at Boromir] Okay. . .
//
(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:
TBC!!!!!!!!
//
Legolas: Now we must sneak past the Guard Smilies and run like hell for the exits.