Happy Birthday Mr. McKellen

Happy Birthday Mr. McKellen
by: Bonnie
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ian McKellen/Orlando Bloom
Summary: Orlando is dared to do something extra special for Ian's birthday.
Disclaimer: As much as I would have loved this to happen, it didn't. I am no way affiliated with the actors in anyway. This is just pure enjoyable fiction.
Author's Note: Big, big, BIG thank yous to Del and Kaytee. This fic was entered in the RSF Contest and sadly this didn't win. :*(

"So what are you going to get Ian for his birthday, Orli?" Dominic sat down in full Hobbit costume with his lunch plate in front of him. Elijah sat beside Orlando, who was in full elven costume, and munched on his lunch watching the two.


"Haven't decided, mate. Wanna get him something special, like a key chain or sumthin'." Orlando said with a grin.


"Oh that's fucking special." Elijah commented. Billy came over and sat down with his lunch.


"What are we talkin' about?" He asked Dominic.


"Trying' to figure out what Orli's gettin' Ian." Dominic said through a gulp of his drink. Orlando thought for a moment, he really wasn't coming up anything good. A book on Shakespeare? Yeah that was brilliant. Like Ian doesn't already have a dozen plays and books by the man.


Dominic suggested a few more things but then he gave up.


"If you really want to get him something special why don't you just give him a lap dance, Orli?" Viggo came up from behind and sat down beside him.


"You're jokin' right, Vig?" Orlando laughed.


"No." Viggo said calmly. The Hobbits and elf just stared at him.


"You've been smoking something today, haven't you?" Elijah commented.


"No, Lijah," Viggo turned to Orli, "try it. I think Ian will remember this for a long time. Unless..." Viggo paused.


"Unless what?" Orlando said raising an eyebrow.


"Unless you're too scared." Viggo said with a shrug and took a bite full of his lunch.


"Scared? Me? Never." Orlando scoffed, "What would make you think I would be scared."


"Maybe you're not man enough." Billy quipped. Silence. "I was jokin' guys."


"I know, Bill," Orlando said, and then looked down at Elijah's stretched out hand and he was holding a wad of money. "What's this?"


"I'll pay you $50 to do it, chicken shit." Elijah gave a grin. Orlando just blinked. Viggo was chuckling as he ate his lunch.


"If money is involved then I'll definitely do it!" Orlando snatched away the bills and looked for a place to put it. Elves didn't exactly have many pockets so Orlando stuffed it down his shirt, making sure Elijah wouldn't whine about losing fifty bucks and wanting it back.


"Viggo you'll be the official picture taker, I assume?" Dominic grinned.


"I'll be sure to make a whole new book out of it."


"Too bad no one will buy it." Billy chimed in, avoiding Viggo's narrowing eyes toward him.


They ate some more and were about to leave to go back to filming when a thought occurred to Dominic.


"Do you even know how to lap dance, Orli?"


"No. Never done one before. Why, you think I'm gonna make a fool of myself?"


"How are you going to make a fool of yourself, lad?" Ian walked up to the table in almost full Gandalf costume; all he was missing was the beard.


"Just how I'm goin' to get piss drunk at your party and dance around with a lamp shade on my head." Orlando grinned.


"Ah, well then make sure one of these boys has a camera on hand." Ian smiled.


"Looking forward to Saturday?" Elijah asked. The cast and crew had rented out an entire bar for the occasion and they were planning on making it a night to remember.


"Very. Not everyday I get a celebration like this. What sort of surprises are you all cooking up for me?" Ian's eyes seemed to light up with mischief at the very thought of it.


"Nothing." Billy, Viggo and Dominic said in unison.


"I thought I'd get you a stripper." Elijah laughed. "Hired a good one too," he shot a quick glance to Orlando, "Her name is Oral Blooming."


"Really?" Ian raised an eyebrow, Billy and Dom just snickered. "Orlando, boy, I didn't know your sister did that sort of thing." Orlando just rolled his eyes.


"Yeah, I guess the family secret is out. Too bad." Orli gave a mocking sigh. "But seriously Ian, what would you like?"


"A great shopper like you? I'm sure you'll figure something out. Besides, if you really get stuck, just think young hot men." Ian gave Orlando a wink.


"Ok. Hot men. I'll get right on it, mate." Orlando got up from the table followed by Elijah and Dominic. Walking over to Ian, Orlando placed a hand on his shoulder and then whispered in his ear, "I think you will be pleasantly surprised." Leaving, Orlando left Ian to wonder about his previous comment. Of course Billy and Viggo wouldn't say a word more about the matter.


Hugo was just coming out of wardrobe when Ian came in to get into costume. It had been three days since Elijah had dared Orlando and Ian had been thinking about what it possibly could be that Orlando was up to.


"Hullo, Hugo. How are you?" Ian smiled.


"Fine. And a happy early birthday to you." Hugo smiled back and adjusted part of his Elrond costume to make himself more comfortable. "We're going to have fun tomorrow, I can tell."


"For sure, from what the Hobbits and elf have told me."


"They told you about the dance from Orlando?" Hugo asked.


"The what?"


"Oh shit!" Hugo groaned, and he put his hand to his forehead. "Ian, don't listen to what I just said."


"Too late," Ian smiled. "So Orlando is going to do a little dance for me?"


"Yeah," Hugo hesitated, "Elijah and the other Hobbits kinda put him up to a lap dance. But Ian, please don't tell them I told you." Hugo looked at him a bit nervously, feeling like an idiot about his slip up. Ian didn't pay attention to him, but thought about the prospect of Orlando giving him a lap dance. "Ian?" Hugo asked breaking his concentration. Ian's eye's focused back on Hugo, with a hint of mischief in his eyes.


"Oh. It's ok, Hugo. I think it was for the best you told me." Ian gave him a small wink and smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow night." With that said, Ian went into wardrobe. While Ian was getting his costume on, he couldn't help but smile the whole time thinking of the young Orlando moving his graceful body all around him. It seemed to give Ian an excitement that he hadn't had for a while now. It would be hard to concentrate on anything else until the dance, except for work. 'Thank God for work,' Ian thought.


Orlando was walking back to his trailer after the hard day of shooting. Giving a yawn, he was about to pull open the door when he suddenly heard Ian behind him.


"Hello Orlando."


"Ian!" Orlando almost squeaked and he whipped around to face the older man. "Hi. Uh, you want something?"


"Well yes, actually, I was going to tell you that there is no *real* need for you to get anything for me. A nice dance or something would do instead."


"Oh?" Orlando laughed nervously. He looked around to see if anyone was about so that he could change the subject. "Um, well I really want to get you something, wouldn't feel right if I didn't."


"Nonsense. Really. Or you could just sit in my *lap* and have our photo taken. Maybe Viggo could do something nice... Then put it in a nice little frame and it will be a good memento of our friendship." Ian smiled, but inside he was getting a kick to see Orlando squirm.


"Uh huh. Well all right Ian, I'll think about that." Orlando started to sweat and hoped that Ian wouldn't notice. He nervously fumbled for the doorknob behind him.


"I suppose you're tired and want to get home, I'll see you tomorrow. 7 p.m. Sharp." Ian gave him a wink and then walked away.


Bursting opened door, Orlando slipped in and shut it quick. He silently banged the back of his head against the door. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." Muttering to himself, he felt like he was chickening out. Then he wondered if Ian knew something... But if Ian did know, why wouldn't he tell him and say that the dance wasn't necessary?


Putting his hands to his face, Orlando lightly massaged his temples and sighed. Trying to calm himself down, he muttered to himself, "Don't you chicken out, or you'll be a fucking laughing stock." But he still couldn't swallow the lump in his throat that wouldn't go away.


The pub was full, but not with its usual customers. It seemed to Ian that the whole cast and crew was there, but the turn out was barely 60. Some balloons floated along the ceiling, coming undone from the bunch in the corner with the presents, and Billy and Dom were drunkenly trying to shoot them down with peanuts off of the bar.


"Enjoying yourself, Ian?" Viggo came up to him, while he was leaning against the end of the bar and gave him a birthday hug.


"Very much. Although I haven't seen young Orlando fee feels to me that he is avoiding me somehow. I would like to talk to the lad."


"Oh really?" Viggo said raising an eyebrow. "Well if I see him I'll tell him you were asking. What do you want to talk to him about?"


"Nothing, actually, I just thought I would offer him a *dance*." Ian smiled and looked off into the crowd, and Viggo looked hard at Ian.


"Ian?" Viggo started.


"Oh! I think I see him. Thank you Viggo for being here, I'll chat with you later." Smiling Ian walked off into the crowd.


Orlando had just came back from the bar and resumed his conversation with Karl and Dave when he noticed Ian come towards him. Swallowing the lump in his throat and a quick sip of his drink he nervously pretended not to see him and hid between Karl and Dave.


"What's wrong?" Dave asked noticing Orlando's discomfort.


"Uh, nothing. Why?" Orlando asked, trying to play it cool.


"Well, for one thing, you started to sweat when Ian started ome ome over here." Karl pointed out.


"Oh. I- I, uhh." Orlando couldn't think of a good enough excuse for him to get out of the situation.


"Ah, I know." Dave said, nodding.


"You do?" The lump in Orlando's throat seemed to grow to the size of a basketball.


"You didn't get him a present. That's why."


"Shame on you, Orli." Karl said sipping his drink, then looked up and Ian stood behind Orlando. "Hi Ian."


Orlando spun around and gave a small squeak of surprise, "Ian- hi, mate."


"Orlando! I think you have been avoiding me all night. Tell me lad is something wrong?" Ian asked and nodded a hello to both Karl and Dave.


"No, why would you say that?" Liar. Orlando wasn't very good at lying and he knew it. Hopefully it didn't show.


"Mmm hmmm." Ian eyed him and nodded, "I don't believe you, but I am sure you have your reasons."


"Yeah... Um, will yxcusxcuse me Ian? And happy birthday." Quickly Orlando gave Ian a quick kiss on the cheek and turned around to seek out somewhere else he could be. Anywhere but there. Just as Orlando turned around Ian pinched his bottom. Orlando gave a small yelp, raised an eyebrow at Ian, and hurried off.


"Birthday boy has to have some fun." Ian smiled. Orlando smiled back and quickly went back into the crowd.


"I wonder what is up with him." Dave asked.


"Probably just the pre-show jitters." Ian said.


"The what?" Karl asked a bit surprised.


"Promise not to tell?"


Then Ian gave them a full account of what he had heard. When Ian was done telling Karl and Dave, they just stood there blinking at him. Then the two started to laugh and make bets that Orlando would chicken out.


Orlando found Elijah over in a corner of the pub with Dominic and Viggo. "Can I talk to you?"


"Uh, sure. What's up?" Elijah asked.


"I don't think I can do this." Elijah, Dom and Viggo all looked a bit puzzled.


"Why not?" Elijah asked crossing his arms. "I paid you."


"'Lijah I'll give you the money back, I just don't think I can do this. Not in front of everyone."


"I knew it." Dom said to Viggo, then Viggo drew out his wallet.


"Knew what?" Orlando said defensively.


"That you'd chicken out. Viggo at least gave you the benefit of the doubt, but I guess he was wrong."


"Hold it! You two made a bet against me?" Now Orlando sounded angry.


"Good way to make money, or at least in my case, lose it." Viggo said.


"'S ok Orli. You don't have to do it. I'll just tell Ian that you chickened out on his birthday present." Elijah smiled.


Giving a heavy sigh Orlando cursed under his breath, "All right, all right... I'll do it."


"Yay!" Elijah bounced and hugged him. "Look you'll be fine once you get out there, honest. With your sense of adventure I'm sure you'll just forget and just enjoy."


"He's right you know. Ian will love it, I am positive" Viggo commented, and stuck his wallet back in his pocket. He seemed to be enjoying this little prank all too much, and watching Orlando sweat about it.


"But you didn't give Dom the money?" Orlando pointed out.


"Lijah told us you were probably coming over here to tell us that you were chickening out. Just somethin' to string you along with." Dom grinned and rocked back on his heels.


"Cunts."


"Now, Orli, after the presents, here's what we want you to do..." Gathering like a foot ball huddle they discussed their or rather Orlando's plan of action.


The table of presents was soon a mess, with tissue, ripped paper and discarded ribbons and bows. Dom had tried to put a bow on Billy's head but kept getting swatted away, until Elijah and Sean had to hold Billy's arms and Dom stuck a nice pink bow on him. "You can now wear a nice bow to go with your skirt." Dom commented.


"It's a kilt!" Billy shot back.


Ian was currently thanking everyone for the wonderful presents while Orlando had just hung around in the back trying to avoid everyone.


"Wait!" Ian called out suddenly, "Someone didn't give me their present." Orlando shifted nervously in the back of the crowd. Some people turned to each other, wondering whom it could be. Blushing, Orlando just hung his head down, hoping no one would notice.


"Orlando." Ian said cheekily, " I am sure you have a gift for me. Where are you?" No answer.


"You have to sit down for this, Ian." Viggo said, and he brought over a chair for Ian to sit on. In his hand he held a black sash.


"What's that for?" Ian looked at it and sat down in the chair. Everyone was gathered around now waiting to see what would happen.


"You'll see." Viggo smiled coyly and stepped behind Ian and tied the sash tightly around his eyes. "See anything?"


"No." Ian said smiling, trying to look intrigued.


Elijah went to the back of the crowd and found Orlando. "You're up!"


"I can't."


"Yes you can! Now c'mon!" Elijah grabbed hold of Orlando's wrist and pulled him through the crowd. When Orlando hesitated he felt a big shove from behind and he stumbled out into the open with all his friends eyes on him. He looked back to see who it was, it was Dominic and he just gave him a smile, winks and thumbs up.


"Kay, Viggo." Elijah said.


Viggo undid the sash around Ian's eyes and he blinked at the sudden brightness. He looked at Orlando. "Are you my present?" Ian asked, smiling.


"Uh, kinda..." Orlando stuttered, he felt his pulse racing and droplets of sweat trickle down his neck. Then that familiar feeling of excitement and adventure pulsed through his body. He could do this. Yeah. Just a little dance. No problem...


Suddenly the beat of the song blasted onto the sound system and the beginnings of 'I'm To Sexy' from Right Said Fred started to play. Catcalls and hollers were heard throughout the crowd. Orlando just s fro frozen until Elijah gave him a kick in the ass. "Get to it already!"


Ian couldn't help but laugh in delight and enjoyment. "Go on Orli!"


Orlando began to move his hips, slowly but seductively. The palm of his hand rested on the front of his right hip and his other hand went up above his head. Stepping forward a bit he moved his whole body in one seductive and sexual manner, looking hard at Ian the whole time with those deep, dark, chocolate eyes.


'I'm to sexy for my shirt....' The music played on, and at that line Orlando pulled off the black shirt that was hugging his torso and arms and flung it on the floor.


Ian just smiled and enjoyed every single second of it. Never taking an eye off of Orlando he watched him move closer and closer, until Orlando was directly in front of him, barely touching his knees.


Orlando let himself go, ignoring the noise and cheers everyone was making, and still moving his body in that oh-so seductive manner. Moving his hips around Orlando leaned in and gave Ian a light kiss on the cheek. "Happy birthday, Mr. McKellen," Orlando whispered in his ear.


"Thank you." Ian said amazed and, went on enjoying Orlando's dance. He could feel the pure sex and intensity throughout Orlando's body and it showed as Orlando dipped down and ground his hips into Ian's. The room seemed to grow warmer as Ian felt Orlando on his body and he had to fight back a choke as Orlando moved around more.


The song blasted on. Orlando got up off of Ian and backed up a few steps. The sweat on his torso glimmered in the light and plastered his dark, shiny curls to his head. Giving a smirk, Orlando curled his finger and waved it to Ian as a 'come here now' gesture.


Ian got up and stood still as Orlando moved over to him and started to curl himself around Ian's body with dance moves. Up and down Orlando moved, and ran his fingers up Ian's chest. The final moments of the song ended and Orlando pressed himself into Ian's back and wrapped an arm around his front. The song was over and everyone burst out in cheers and hoots. Orlando lightly kissed Ian cheek again. Ian's head swam as he tried to piece together what had just happened. He really had no clue that it was going to be this intense, this sexual.


"Are you fairly light?" Ian whispered to Orlando.


"Yeah... Why, Ian?" Orlando looked confused and saw Elijah and Dominic give him big grins. Viggo was checking the film in his camera.... These pictures would be all over the set in a matter of hours. Orlando knew it.


"Just play along." Ian said smiling. He whipped around, bent down, scooped up Orlando and held him in his arms.


"What the-?" Orlando looked at Ian. Everyone stared at them. Elijah and Dominic gave him a shrug when he looked to them for an answer.


"Well everyone," Ian called out loudly, " I thank you so much for this delightful party, this really means a lot having all my friends here. Thank you!" Holding Orlando, Ian walked towards the exit.


"Here you'll need this." Karl called out, and threw Orlando his shirt.


"Thanks, mate."


Walking out the door, Ian carefully guided himself down the steps, with Orlando's protests of "You can put me down now, you don't have to do this. Don't hurt yourself." Ian didn't listen and he came to is car. Then putting Orlando down.


The chill of New Zealand's May touched Orlando's skin and he shivered, putting his shirt on. "Did you like that?"


"I did, dear boy." Ian said delightedly. "Although I knew you were going to do it the whole time."


"You did?" Orlando said surprised. "Who told?"


"Ah, that is for me to know and you to find out."


"Sneak." Faces were all looking out of the pub window at the two of them. Mostly full of Hobbit faces but there was most of the cast fighting for a peek too. "Let's give them something to really talk about." Orlando grinned.


"What do you have in mind?" Ian asked suspiciously. He had his answer when Orlando's lips touched his. Ian was a bit taken a back but let himself fall into the situation. Orlando's soft lips caressed Ian's warm, inviting mouth. Everything else seemed to melt away and they were left with the warm, pleasurable feeling of each other. Orlando ran his tongue gently along the bottom of Ian's lip and they parted.


Smiling, Orlando looked back at the gaping faces in the window. He managed to find Elijah in the crowd and deliberately winked at him.


"Well, boy, that was something." Ian said softly. "Thank you."


"You're welcome. Now lets get out of here before they get their wits about 'em and come out." Ian unlocked the car and they got in. Just as they were pulling out of the parking lot Elijah and Dominic came running down the front steps of the pub and watched them drive away.


Ian pulled up in front of Orlando's. "Would you like to come in?" Orlando asked.


"I shouldn't." Ian said with a hint of shyness in his voice.


"You're nervous!" Exclaimed Orlando. "I was just gonna invite you in for tea, not a shag." He laughed. "I also have to give you your present." Orlando looked to Ian. He loved him dearly, but only as a friend. Orlando knew that it couldn't me more than that. His heart belonged to someone else. Orlando hoped that the kiss was just to bait the others, didn't confuse Ian and make him think otherwise.


"Oh! Well in that case, I accept." Ian couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.


"Plus I thought I saw Dom's car packed with a few Hobbits and human following us at one point, so let's string 'em a long more." Giving a wink Orlando got out of the car and went to the front door. Ian hesitated but decided, what harm could it be to have tea and get his gift, so he got out and followed.


The tea was made and the two of them sat on the couch in the living room. "So?" Ian asked.


"So?"


"The present?" Ian asked smiling.


"Right! Sorry." Orlando said a bit sheepishly. Reaching into his back pocket he lifted out a small velvet bag. "Happy Birthday." And he handed it to Ian.


Untying the knot Ian held out his palm, held the bag upside and let the pendant slip onto his hand. "My goodness..." He looked at the small oval of Green Stone set in silver. "Orlando, thank you. It's beautiful."


"I'm glad you like it. You're supposed to get it as a gift, and never buy it yourself. It is bad luck otherwise. So I thought I'd give it to you, for good luck." Orlando smiled and sipped his tea.


"I'm touched, really. For this and for what you did earlier." Ian's blue eyes twinkled in the low light and he leaned over and gave Orlando a hug.


"Did you have a good birthday then?"


"I did." Ian smiled.


"Good. Uh, about the kiss, Ian... I uh, hope you don't get the wrong idea." Orlando shifted uncomfortably.


"And what would the wrong idea be, lad?"


"Well just that I didn't mean for you to get the wrong idea. You know, that I would 'like' like ya."


"Ah, I see." Ian stared at the wall past Orlando. A part of him wished Orlando had really meant that kiss as some sort of meaning, but he didn't expect it too. "You just wanted to bait the guys. I can understand that."


"Ok, good to know. I love you Ian. As a friend, but I don't think it could go anywhere beyond that." Orlando said giving him sort of a sad smile.


"I feel the same way. Don't worry about it." Ian put a hand on Orli's arm, "I love you too Orlando. As a friend." And Ian knew he really felt that way. "So, about tomorrow when we see everyone, lets have some fun..." They spent the rest of the night talking.


"Ok spill." Elijah stood before Orlando, as he was coming out of his make-up trailer. Dom and Billy came up behind him.


"Nothing." Orlando said simply.


"Fuck nothing." Elijah said suspiciously.


"We saw you two go into your place." Dom added.


"So you *were* following us! I should have you lot arrested for stalking." Orlando laughed and made to move away from them when Elijah blocked him again.


"Tell us! You did the dance... But that kiss was not part of the deal. Did you and Ian make one up of your own?"


"No, Elijah, Ian and I didn't. And I'd like to keep my business with Ian to myself if that is ok with you."


"No it's not." Billy said, "We want to know." Rolling his eyes Orlando looked hard at the three of them.


"Ok, I'll tell you, but don't tell anyone else! Got it?" They all nodded and listened, "Let me just say I had the best sex of my life last night." None of them moved, the shock of what Orlando had just said made them all speechless. Billy started to stutter out something when all of a sudden one of the assistant director's came and called for Hobbits on set. Orlando just waved good bye to them and walked off smiling and grinning.


"I couldn't help but overhear," Viggo said and he came out of his hiding spot from the side of one of the trailers.


"Oh? What part?"


"All of it. But I believe everything up until the last bit." Viggo wrapped his arms around his chest and looked at Orli.


"Can't fool you, Vig."


"Nope. Spill."


"Ian and I just had tea and talked. That enough?" Orlando stood his ground.


"*That* I believe." Viggo smiled. "Have a good time?"


"It was wonderful. We really got to know each other." Orlando started to walk away when, "Don't tell the Hobbits though. Ian and I want a little payback for the dare. Think you can play along?"


"Definitely." Viggo grinned. "I like to toy with Hobbit minds." They both laughed.


~*the end*~