Losing My Mind

Title: No Regrets
Author: Hazel (hethumeleth@luukku.com)
Rating: PG-13
Paring: Orlando Bloom/Matt Damon, implied Damon/Ben Affleck and Bloom/Elijah Wood
Disclaimer: Have never met the guys so can't know anything. Totally fictional.
Author's notes: Sorry for the paring and the sweater than sugar ending. It just wanted to be like this… =P
Thanks to: Trish/Tuuli who was kind enough to beta this fic of mine.
Web-site: www.nic.fi/~teroma/crazycorner

~~~

He sat in a corner of a dimly lit pub staring at his bottle of warm beer and ignoring an eager blond looking for company. He didn't know exactly how he had got there nor what the fuck he was doing with that bottle of beer. He never drank.

//What am I doing here?// He looked in another direction to avoid the blonde's stare. //I'm getting myself drunk…kay…like that could possibly help…//

He lifted the bottle to his lips but didn't drink. //What did Bloom always say?// A sad smile appeared when he heard his voice tell him "the facts in life…": "You really shouldn't drink that much. It's not healthy you know…"

//Oh God, just stop it…I'm so sick of this… Remember Ben, remember Elijah…//

He knew Orlando had a new life. Without him. With *Wood*. He wasn't sure why he had taken Affleck back after all that had happened. He just didn't want to be left alone. Besides, sex with the man was incredible.

//Excuses!!//

It had always been like that. He couldn't bear the idea of being alone. Not in a million years could he be left alone. He needed intimate company to survive. And now he was with Ben, not in the bar though, thinking about Orli and how he loved the man.

//Stop it!// He jumped off his chair, knocking it off and dropping the bottle. He just ran out, trying desperately to leave the memory of the best time of his life inside the bar.

"Hey!!! You didn't pay! *Hey*!"

//Someone inside the bar is now destined to pay for my drinks as well…//

It was dark outside. The night was warm, but still he got chills. He pressed his head down as he walked pass a group of drunk men, hoping they wouldn't recognize him.

//Or better yet, please recognize me…and kick the hell out of me while your at it.//

Safely passing them, he turned to another alley. //You could have put this shitty gay-pub of yours a little closer to…well anything!//

After turning once more he was out of the dark and dangerous alleys. //If only Bloom was here… No! Shut the fuck up, will you!//

He jumped off a rock and started to walk along a beach that was actually surprisingly near the pub. Kicking at sand, he thought of Orlando and ended up with the same result as before: he loved the man. No matter what shit he had to take to be with him. He'd happily get dumped a thousand times as long as he would eventually have him back. Half of that thousand was probably done with already. Still he loved Orli.

The sea at night had always made him feel calm and satisfied. The moon was shining brightly, and the few night-clouds weren't on the way of its pale light. He shut his eyes and rested his face against the soft and salty wind coming from the sea.

This was where they used to come and make out back then when they were together. Damon wrapped his arms around himself, imagining it was really Orli. His arm was grabbed…

"What are you doing here?"

//Damn you Orlando…not *now*…//

He didn't face Orli, even though he already started feeling the urge to…do something. He looked up. Clouds were blocking the moon from shining. They couldn't be seen. //I can't deal with you right now…go away…///

His voice sounded husky as he tried to speak. "Hi Bloom…," he managed to say before turning to him. //It really is Orlando…he looks so…so sexy…oh God…//

He startled when he looked up to the man's eyes that were staring calmly into his. They were so dark and deep you could drown.

"You've been crying," Orli said. He never missed one thing when it was about the love of his life. He always knew if there was anything wrong. "What's the matter?" he continued, whispering softly, moving a bit closer to Matt.

"Why should I tell you?" //You were the one who just needed someone to fuck and then left me! …that's the spirit, don't let him get you…not again…//

Orli looked troubled, hands stuffed deep into his pockets. Then he turned away and started walking along the beach, head pressed downwards.

"Hey! Wait up. I didn't mean it like that. I just…" //Shit! Already begging, are you?//

"Yeah," Orli said, sounding sad, and stopped. He knew what this conversation was about. It was his job to make it all better. He really was sorry. "I didn't know what I was doing back then, so I guess that was sorta my line."

Damon walked to Orli. He hesitated before carefully stroking Orli's cheek. //Yeah…overreacting…that's okay, right? It was just a fuck…wasn't it? Nothing that could be considered as cheating happened. Just a fuck, a fuck, a fuck…//

Staring into the man's eyes, he studied Orlando's face like he was afraid it would disappear in a second. //You haven't changed a bit…//

His fingers met a tear on its way down Orli’s shaved cheek.

"I know. I know…c'mon…" Damon said, not feeling angry or sad but just trusting and relaxed…just the way he wanted it to be, and how it should be…

Orli pressed his face down on Damon's shoulder.

After a while Orli got hold of himself. Without even noticing he started kissing Matt's neck. He wrapped his arms around the other man and held him there tight.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Orli answered, still kissing and biting the other man's neck.

"Maybe you should stop…doing nothing," Damon said, sounding a bit breathless.

"Why?" Orli replied briefly and focused on Matt's ear.

Orlised sed the other man all over his smooth neck and face. Damon's defenses failed and he wrapped his arms around Orli. Finally Orli kissed him on the mouth as his hands wondered under Damon's shirt.

"Wanna come to my place?" Orlis voice whispered between the kisses.

"Mmmh…"

"What was that?" Orli teased braking the kiss again. He watched Damon as his lips moved and he tried to speak. The man's eyes were closed and the temptation of kissing him again was beginning to feel unbearable.

"Your place then…?" Orli asked, quite sure of the answer. Then he bit Matt's lower lip gently.

“Okay…" was Damon's barely audible answer.

~~~

Orli slid his hand lower down Damon's side. The two men were in total ecstasy and their voices echoed from wall to wall and into the other apartments loud and clear.

"Take it easy… We don't want to do it here in the stairway…do we?" Damon asked between their kiss, breathless, sounding like he was ready to do anything Orli asked him to.

Orli grabbed Damon's butt and laughed huskily, trying to get his breath back. "Why not… It's not such a bad idea."

"Umm…"

Orli's hand shifted and reached to Damon's back pocket. "Actually I was going for your keys but…"

The door opened and they stumbled into the dark hall. Orli kicked the door back shut without breaking the kiss.

"The bedroom's over here…" Damon nodded to his left, trying to get Orli out of his shirt.

"I know where it is. I've been here before, remember…?" Orli answered, sounding like he was smiling.

They couldn't see anything without the lights on, but that was just the way they liked it. They didn't need to see each other. They only needed to feel, to touch. And then, when it was over, to do it all over again.

It was forbidden and secret. They weren't allowed to. They had been told not to by their PR people. That was probably one of the reasons why they were now doing it. They also needed to be with one another. They needed to feel like they were alive and breathing. And they didn't get the feeling when they were alone or even when they were with other people. The feeling dominated them whenever they were together.

Like magic they moved together, now slower after the first round of furious sex with no boundaries, doing the things they knew the other one loved. The things they had learned from each other. It was beautiful. Every second was worth all the mess they knew they'd cause.

They didn't stop until the sunrise burned their eyes.

~~~

Orli knew where he was. He knew how he had got there. He knew what he had done. He turned from his back to his side and took a long look of Damon. //No regrets…//

The sun was already up and shining brightly. Orli had always loved the way the sunbeams made Matt's hair look like it had some tiny gold nuggets scattered on it. He had always loved what Matt looked like in the morning. So calm and peaceful, his breathing feeling warm and soft on Orli's face as he lied next to the man.

Orli did still love those and so many other things about Damon. He loved the way things were around and with Damon. He loved Matt.

Orli rolled over, to his side of the bed, and stood up slowly, trying not to wake up Damon. He walked to the foot of the bed and for a while he just stood there, naked, watching the man asleep on the bed. The sheets only covered some parts of the young man's perfect body and Orli enjoyed the view. Then he pulled the covers better on the sleepy one and sat in a chair.

After about half an hour of patient waiting Matt moved. Slowly. And opened his eyes. He didn't realize that Orlando was watching him right away and just lied still. Orlando could hear him whispering unrecognizable words to the white pillow under his head.

"What…?" he asked softly, leaning towards the bed in his chair.

Damon startled and turned to look at Orlando. He blinked his eyes rapidly like he couldn't believe what he saw. Then he cleared his throat. "Hi…"

Orlando adored moments like these. He watched Matt as he held the white sheets up to his chin. Nothing else was visible than his head and his hands. It was like he was afraid of letting Orli see something he didn't want him to see. Like he had something he didn't want Orli to find out. Orlando knew that Matt wasn't as okay with things like the night before as he was. "Hello there," Orlando said, "Did you sleep well?"

Matt looked at the man sitting in his chair/bedroom/house…/life. Maybe it was like it was supposed to be. Maybe they were meant to be like this. Together. He let go of the sheet he had been holding like a shield and let the smile deep inside him spread on his face. He held out his hand, offg itg it to Orlando, and got up, now sitting on the bed that was bathed in sunlight.

Orlando looked at Damon, pleased. They had passed all the troubles there could possibly be. They'd be together. No Elijah, no Affleck. Just the two of them. Orli smiled and stood up. He walked to the hand reaching out for his and touched it like it was purest form of beauty in the universe. Then he leaned towards Damon and kissed him more softly than he ever thought he could. //This is it. Nothing can come between us. Never again.//


-loppu-


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