Fuck! The Mary-Sues And Their Mates Are After Us!

Title: A Right Bloody British Carry-On, Eh, Wot?
Series: "Fuck! The Mary-Sues And Their Mates Are After Us!" 1/?
Author/Email: Captain Obvious / gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk
Pairing: It would be pointless to tell you.
Rating: R, possibly. There will be definite shagging in later parts.
Summary: Basically, it's like an Anti-Vengeance. The Mary-Sues, or just people that piss us off or make us laugh, come looking for us. Biatches.
Disclaimer: It would be laughable to think this was true. Although we did get threatened with sue-age so...yeah. Maybe. Except for all the boyseks, naturally. Which is a complete soddin' lie. Bah.
Feedback: The GSC have a garden FULL of bunnies that desperately need food. Anything you can do to help is appreciated. Send all donations to Rolf Harris.
Website: www.freewebs.com/gayshaggingcats
Author's Notes: So as not to upset Sonja, the bad spelling is limited to Zelena's speech. :D This is really just an excuse to get over our general amusement at some of our reviews. We don't actually mind if you hate us. You can flame us till the cows come home, for all we care. But when people make sweeping generalisations such as; "oh, you must be gay cuz your british" (spelling taken from original text)...Well. Nothing will stop us. Because that's just homophobic xenophobia. And that pisses us off. And when they go on to say, "everyone in britain is gay except Orlando cuz hes a hottie!"... Slashers stand united everywhere, and some dyslexic ones (like me) stand untied, and say, "er, no. I think you'll find he *is* gay. Silly, naive little bint." (This is doubtlessly rubbish. Sadly.)
Author's Notes 2: This is all completely original. So it's legal too. Hahaha.
Copyright: GayShaggingCats. So there.


Zelena Shelby looked out on the new day with a softly dramatic sigh. "OMG!" She said. "Its wensday!"

And Wednesday it was. Not just any Wednesday, though. This Wednesday was the Wednesday that Zelena would fly out to Britain to meet some reaive ive British people. She didn't really want to go, what with everyone over there being gay and all, but Orlando Bloom was doing a book signing in London and him being the only straight hottie in Britain...well, she HAD to go!

She grabbed her copy of "Jr Tolkein's Lord of the Rings" and stuffed it haphazardly into her suitcase before heading out of the door. She caught a bus to the airport and checked in then went to sit in the departure lounge to wait for her flight to be called. As she flicked through the very latest issue of a magazine she had found called 'Smash Hits!' she realised that the person sat opposite her was staring at her.

"OMG! Fuck of staring at me you crepe! R u a fagget or sumthing!"

The two-year-old child looked at her in mild surprise, then turned its attention back to its slightly more intelligent stuffed giraffe.

~***~

The flight had passed without great incident. Except for when Zelena had gone to the bar on the 'plane to get a drink and had been told to fuck off by the air steward, partly because they didn't serve thirteen-year-old teeny-boppers. But mainly because you don't tend to get bars on 'planes.

Zelena had her passport checked by a very smiley woman who nodded a lot. There was another smiley woman beside her, kissing the first one's cheek while she looked at Zelena's picture. Zelena made a disgusted huffing sound and stormed off to get her luggage.

Heathrow, she decided, was one of the dingiest shit-holes she had ever been to. And she had been to a few. She knew it would be nothing compared to the Gay Shagging Cats' Lair, but she was putting off thinking about her secret mission for now. But now she *was* thinking about it, she pictured the GSC headquarters as a fetid pit of disgusting slashiness and generally foul sex practices. Possibly decorated in deep reds and whorey blacks. And, for some reason, she pictured fishnet stockings and bullwhips.

She shook her head to clear it of the mental image. This took but a fraction of a milli-second. Then she started to picture the GSC team. She saw five fat, lazy-arsed losers who swore, smoke and drank too much and were all single and unable to get a boyfriend. Despite the fact none of them should want one, seeing as how they were all gay. She huffed out a sigh, flipped her hair, and walked out of the airport.

She immediately caught a black cab into the city centre and five minutes later she was walking up ste steps to her hotel. The Ritz.

'Hrm, classey,' she thought. She checked in and went up to her room, ready to get some sleep before the long day tomorrow.

~***~

-The Following Day, Central London, Orli's Dressing Room-

"Bloody hell, Dominic! Gerroff me for just a bloody second, would you?"

Reluctantly, Dom clambered off Billy and went over to stand by Orli's dressing room doorway. "Are you sure you won't snog us?"

Orli looked round at him with a sympathetic smile. "Sorry, mate. I am the hottest out of all of us, therefore also the straightest. You know, it's not like she said 'all British people are gay except Orli *and* Dom *and* Billy because they're hotties'."

Billy pouted. "I'm Scottish."

Orli shrugged. "You know what I mean. Anyway, you two carry on. I'm not stopping you."

"It's not the same," Dom grumbled. "We need a third person. What are you going to do, anyway?"

"I guess I have to gd fad fall for the Mary-Sue." He sighed dramatically. (There was a lot of that going about.)

"Don't you have a twenty-fifth birthday party to get to?"

Orli glanced at the calendar on the wall. Specifically at that day's date, which had a big red circle around it. "Shit, yes. I bloody well forgot all about it, didn't I? I've got a bloody book-signing to do first. Fuck."

"Well, no problem. I'm sure the GSC will wait for a little while. I know they can be impatient at times, but I hear that Craig Parker is in the country, so maybe they're being looked after."

"Good show, that man," Orli said, cheerfully. Dom just gave him a blank stare.


-The GSC La-ir (a flat in South Kensington)-

"Pepper...I have tuna for you..."

Somewhere from under the sink, a cat meowed.

"Bloody fucking hell!" Sonja shouted. "Come on out of there you little gay tosspot!" Pepper darted out between her legs and raced for the bedroom. Diesel followed not long after, although at a more sedate pace. He looked very satisfied with himself. He was smoking a death trap. Sonja shook her head and opened up the fridge, taking out a fresh bottle of Bailey's and several Vodka Ices. She also took out a carton of milk which one of the twinses had asked for. She had no idea why, but knew that they were prone to their little idiosyncracies. So she didn't question it.

She took it all back through to the lounge where Craig Parker was having his toes licked by Kerreh and Nisi and where Evil was getting her ass kicked at Monopoly by Veevs. Veevs had somehow managed to acquire every property on the board and covered them in little red hotels. And all in only five goes. Sonja went back to playing Twister with Elijah Wood and Sean Bean. They had all come to the gathering because they had heard that Orli was coming over to do his famous "Happy 25th Birthday" lapdance for the very lucky Veevs.

Of course, they had also all come for the free grub and booze and the promise of a Night of Slash and several viewings of The Fellowship Of The Ring. For some reason, it was Craig's all-time favourite movie. It may have had something to do with the scene in Rivendell, the one with the only nipple action in the whole film. Unless you counted Lurtz. Which he didn't. Besides which, where Craig went, his lovely friends followed.


-Outside A Famous Book Store in Covent Garden-

Zelena eyed the crowds waiting outside the bookshop with some distaste. They were all swanking around with fags hanging from their mouths, shouting very British things at each other and freely snogging people of the same gender.

"Bloody hell! Bloody hell, is that you, Henry?! Bloody hell, I haven't seen you in bloody ages! Come here and give your best man a bloody great wet snog!" And things of that nature.

Suddenly, Zelena heard a kind of squeeing noise and turned quickly to see hundreds of teeny fangirls rushing at the barrier and...

"OMG! It's Orlando Bloom, the hotest guy from Lord of the Rings!!" She pushed her way to the front of the crowd and smiled as Orlando walked past her. He winked right at her and she nearly fainted. Orlando Bloom winked at her!! She was *so* going to marry him!!


-Back in Kensington-

Sonja fought back a laugh as she watched Nisi attempt to throw a dart at one of the rainbow balloons that now literally *covered* her walls. Nisi was getting very distracted, however, by the fact that Lijah now had his left hand on yellow, his right hand on red, his right foot on green and his left foot on blue. And his backside sticking up in the air.

Sean, who had given up on Twister after being poked in the eye by Elijah, went to the door just as the doorbell rang. He stared at it in surprise, then pulled open the door.

"Who was it?" Kerreh asked, as Sean returned.

"Postman. There's a parcel VeevVeevs."

"Ooh! Birthday pressie!"

Sonja straightened, ignoring Lijah's protests. "Wait, so now even your mail's coming here?"

"Well, we have been here for two weeks," Evil pointed out.

"How long is this bloody sleep-over going to last? You guys are eating me out of house and home!"

Nisi batted her eyelashes. Evil bit back a moan. "You know you love us."

Sonja grinned. "Of course I do. And really, I have plenty of food left. Except tomatoes. I wish someone would explain to me why I keep running out of tomatoes."

Nisi looked out of the window, pretending not to hear. Evil quickly changed the subject.

"We have to stay a while longer, Sonja. To see Orli's lapdance and to finish the MSTing of every bad!Mary-Sue ever written."

"Hmm." Sonja sighed. "You're right. I guess you can't take over the world in just a fortnight. But..."

"But?" The question came from everyone present.

"I think we need to find a bigger lair."

"No problem!" Evil smiled at them all. "Having made plenty from the sales of our T-shirts, we now have enough cash to buy a reasonably sized mansion in the country-side, but five minutes from here. Bagsy me and Nisi the West Wing."

"Mmm...Rob Lowe," said Kerreh.

"Quite," said her twin.


-The Bookshop, Covent Garden-

Zelena was waiting inside, fourth in line, when the squeeing started. She looked around and nearly squeed herself when she saw Dom and Billy heading her way. As they passed her on their way to Orlando she heard them talking. And this is what she heard.

"Orli had better hurry up if he's going to make it to the Gay Shagging Cats' place on time," said Billy.

"He won't be long. He's only got four left to sign," said Dom.

'Wowee,' thought Zelena. 'i can kil to birds witho ne stone!! i can stork Orlando Bloom and go and fined the GSC lare. goo me!!!'

It was her turn to have her book signed then and she flashed Orlando her sexiest smile, not noticing his slight grimace as he saw the piece of lettuce poking between her teeth. "im such a big fan of ur work!!!" she said. "Plees cold u put 'too zelena all my luv orlando?'"

Orlando nodded, signed the book with a flourish and then stood, his chair scraping the floor noisily in his haste. He thanked everyone then joined Dom and Billy at the door, slipping on a pair of designer shades as they stepped out onto the street. Zelena followed as sneakily and as closely as she dared.


-A Mansion, The English Countryside-

"Blimey," said Kerreh. "It's a good job we had you guys here to help us move everything in. And help us with the new furniture. And it's a good job we learnt how to unpack an entire house-worth of stuff so quickly by reading Band of Gold."

Evil simply grabbed Nisi's hand and the two skipped through the house to the West Wing.

"Where are you going?" Sonja called after them.

Nisi looked back over her shoulder. "We're going to go put Evil's swords up on the wall!"

"Yeah, right. Bollocks, you are," muttered Sonja. She turned back to the others. "Who's for monopoly?"

The others, now knowing about her murderistic tendencies when she wasn't winning, declined politely. Instead, they opted for more drinks and for Elijah, Sean and Craig to play Twister. Without their shirts. As soon as Elijah had taken FMS FMS shirt off, Sonja picked it up and took it through to the kitchen to wash it. Veevs followed her into the kitchen while Kerreh and thgduhree guys exchanged knowing glances.

"Well, Sean?" Kerreh asked. "Aren't you going to come up with some lame excuse to join them?"


-Interior of Dominic's Car, Heading Towards The GSC Mansion-

Dom lifted his shades with one hand and looked properly in the rear-view mirror. He frowned, slowing the car and indicating right. Billy stopped stroking his thigh and asked him what was wrong. Dom didn't answer straight away, just slowed to a crawl and made the turn. He sped up once he was round, then shook his head. "We've got a tail."

Orlando twisted his head round to look out of the rear window, but Dom told him to face front. And duck down. "Who is it?" Orlando asked.

"I don't know. I can't see very well. But that same car was parked outside the bookshop earlier. I think you're being stalked, Orli."

Orlando cheered. "About bloody time!"

"If it's a teeny-bopper then we can't just lead her to the GSC headquarters. They'd murder us."

"As if. They love us."

"Well...they wouldn't be very happy. And I've heard Evil shouting. It's not funny. We'll just have to try and lose her."


-Interior of Zelena's Car, Heading Away From The GSC Mansion-

They were on to her.


-Interior of Dominic's Car, Heading Away From The GSC Mansion-

Orlando attempted to remove his hand from the window of the car, muttering curses at Dom all the while. "A little fucking *warning* before you pull a stunt like that would be nice!"

"Okay. Look out!" And the tyres screeched as Dom drove uphill at top speed. The car actually left the ground when it hit the top, sailing through the air for several feet or so before landing with a sickening crunch at the bottom of the hill. Dom immediately span the wheel, managing a one-eighty turn in less than a second. Orlando sat in the backseat rubbing his hewhicwhich had almost gone through the roof on that last stunt, and shouted at Dom to "stop the fucking car!"

Dom did so. On a dime, no less. "What?" He turned to Orlando with a questioning look.

"Well...this would be so much more exciting if she was still chasing us."


-Interior of Zelena's Car, Hiding Behind A Tree-

Zelena cackled to herself, watching the three guys in the black Mercedes get out of the car and stretch their bruised legs. Good job she was army trained in camouflage and driving skills. She watched them pile back into the car after a few minutes and head back the way they had come. After several more minutes, she pulled out and began the pursuit once more.


-A Mansion, The English Countryside-

"Well," said Kerreh, trying to ignore the noises coming from the kitchen.

Elijah looked at her and gave a small smile. Craig was sat beside her, his head resting on her shoulder.

"Well," she said again, raising one eyebrow.

Craig lifted his head. "What?"

"Should we do something useful?"

Craig was about to answer when he was interrupted by a squeal. It sounded suspiciously like it came from the West Wing. "Should we go and check on them?" he asked.

"Er, no. I *really* doubt they would appreciate that."

"Well, it's just that sounded really...not good."

Craig's fears were confirmed when Nisi and Evil raced in yelling at them to come out to the front door. Evil threw open the huge, oak doors just as Orlando was lifting his bloodied hand to the doorbell.

"Holy fuck! What happened to you?" This comment came from Elijah. Orlando stared at him.

"Why don't you have a shirt on?"

"New Twister rule..What happened?"

"Let them tell us in a minute. I think they need some attention." Evil took Dom by the arm, leaving Orlando in Kerreh's hands and Billy in Nisi's. They took all three into the lounge and sat them down on the large leather-effect sofa. Evil went to the kitchen to break up the orgy and get the first-aid kit.

Soon everyone was back in the lounge, sitting on sofas, beanbags or big inflatable armchairs, according to their preference. As Dom recounted what had happened they all became more and more horrified. Except Nisi and Evil whot sat saying, "cool," and looking very impressed by Dom's driving skills. The pair said they wanted to check out the damage to the Merc and gp top to skip outside.

Nisi crouched down beside the right front wheel and poked at it, shaking her head. "They were lucky they didn't have a blowout," she muttered. Evil ran her finger along an awful-looking scratch and sighed.

"Whashamshame. They've wrecked a gorgeous car. Oh well, I guess as we're all millionaires we can afford to replace it."

Nisi went all wide-eyed then and made a sort of hissing sound at Evil.

"What's up?" Evil asked.

"Don't look now, but I think the girl who was chasing them is over there."

"Where?"

"Over in the forest. I just saw her flitting between two trees. I don't think she knows I saw her. I suggest we go back in and raise the alarm."

"As ever, my love, you have the best ideas." Evil gave her a quick kiss and the two headed back inside, looking as nonchalant as possible. Orlando was being snogged silly by Elijah when they got back, and the sight of it almost made them forget what they were doing. "I see you've got over being straight," Evil observed.

"Buh.." said Nisi. The others all looked at her and she regained her composure. "Outside. Stalker. Mary-Sue's friend. I think I recognised her as Zelena Shelby."

The Gay Shagging Cats Team looked astounded. "How the hell did she find us?" Sonja wanted to know.

"She's the one that was following Dom's car. Obviously you didn't lose her after all, Dom. She's in the forest. I think she plans to wait till dark and attack. That gives us four hours to make a defence strategy."

"I've got a bloody defence strategy!" Orlando muttered. "Let's get out there and twat her one."

Evil gave Kerreh a 'look.' Kerreh shrugged. "It's not my fault he's been watching every episode of Red Dwarf ever made."

"I knew it was a mistake giving him his own TV." Evil sighed. "If only Sean Pertwee, Kevin McKidd and Darren Morfitt were here. I mean, if they can fend off werewolves half a night, they could surely deal with this mad bint."

Nisi patted her arm. "We'll just have to make do."

And so the Gay Shagging Cats Team began making their plans.


-Outside The GSC Mansion, Getting Dark-

Zelena woke with a start. Damn. She had been having a fantastic dream where she was getting married to Orlando. She was just about to say "i doo," but had woken up. She stood up from where she had been leaning against a tree and stepped out from behind it. She looked up at the house. The windows were all dark but the cars were still all in the driveway so she guessed that they were all either around the other side of the house, or in bed. 'This is gong too be too e-z!' she thought. And laughed with mirth.

Racing up to the front door, Zelena was very careful not to trip over the gravel like she always used to do as a kid. She made it to the door safely and took out her lock-picking kit. After a half hour of fiddling, during which she fancied she could hear someone whispering 'how the hell hard could it be, idiot?', she got the door open. She took one step inside and suddenly...

Everything went black. 'O f@$!ken hill,' was her last thought before she went down.


-Inside The GSC Mansion-

"Did we get her?" Nisi whispered. Sonja kept hold of the frying pan, just in case. They made Elijah check her pulse and breathing, not wanting to get too close. In case they caught the inability to make sense from their victim.

"She's still alive," Elijah concluded after prodding her with an umbrella. "But unconscious."

"Good. I say we tie her up and interrogate her."

Sonja nodded. "I'd like to find out what she was doing chasing our boys. Bitch."

"I think while she's tied up we should give her English lessons as well."

"That is a very good idea." Sonja turned to Evil and handed her the key for the arms cabinet. "Better get some back-up. AK47, okay?"

Evil grinned tra trademark evil grin and headed off to get the guns.


~To Be Continued (insert dodgily foreboding music here)