Phobic

A/N:
Not. Fucking. True.
I sincerely doubt Elijah is homophobic, judging by his and Dom’s antics. And the fact that he’s v v gay. Just kidding.
May contain traces of in-jokes. Be aware.
Count the number of times I use any form of thed ‘fd ‘fuck’ and you’ll win* a prize**.

________

Phobic.
By Sonja (limey_sugar@yahoo.co.uk)
Dominic/Orlando, Dominic/Not-Elijah
Summary: Elijah snoops. Dominic’s Eli Elijah freaks the fuck out. And then doesn’t. Angsty.
R for Language.

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Dominic had cherry-flavoured lube in his bathroom. Elijah started laughing when he saw it. Laughed so hard in fact, that Dominic came running to the bathroom to see what was funny.

“Cherry?” when Lij composed himself. Almost.

“Wha- oh. Yeah.” Dom didn’t even have the good grace to blush. “Good stuff. Goes well with vanilla condoms.”

“Vanilla condoms?” Tears made their way down Elijah’s cheeks as he was wracked by another fit of laughter. “Dude, that’s so gay!”

“Precisely.”

“Oh, man. Dom, I gotta go.”

“Wanker,” when Elijah was out the door and out of earshot. “Fuck you too.”

______


“Dom’s gay.” Elijah set his pint glass down on the bar and looked over at Orlando.

“Yeah. And?” rol rolled his eyes and took a long draught of beer.

“*And* that doesn’t, like, freak you out?”

“He’s a great kisser.”

“Jesus-motherfucking-Christ.” Was *everybody* in England fucking queer? “You made out with Dominic?”

“No, I didn’t ‘make out’ with Dom.” Orli’s tone was mocking-bordering-on-punching-Lij’s-fucking-lights-out.

“You didn’t make out with him, but you know he’s a great kisser?”

“Don’t concern yourself with it.” Orlando paid for his beer and got up from the bar. “And Lij?”

“Yeah?”

“Grow up, mate.”

______


Stuck in a foreign country, surrounded by queers. That about summed it up for Elijah. Great. Just fucking great.

Well, maybe not *surrounded*. He still had Viggo, Billy, Bean, and Astin. Wait. Billy did theatre. Shit. So did Bean. But Bean had kids and ex-wives. And Viggo wrote *poetry*, for fuck’s sake.

All this irrational thinking was making Elijah’s head hurt. He laughed at himself and rolled over and went to sleep. It’s not like any of *them* would be interested in *hinywanyway. Which was unaccountably bothersome.

______


“Hey,” to Dominic when he walked into the makeup trailer to be Hobbitised. Or Hobbitated. Or just to have feet, ears, and hair glued on.

“Drop dead.”

“Okay, I deserve that. It’s jthatthat-”

“You’re a jackass?”

“Yeah. That covers it.” Elijah smiled at Dom’s reflection in the makeup mirror. “You’re my friend. I like you. Cherry lube and all.” That earned a look from the makeup girl. Dom still lacked the good sense to be embarrassed.

“I’ve got other flavours. If you don’t like cherry.” What the hell was Dominic doing? The makeup girl dropped the blusher and tried not to look nervous. She’d be emailing her friends later, Elijah was sure.

“Dom, ehm, that’s okay. Cherry’s fine.” Elijah could play too. He’d call Dom’s bluff. Where the fuck were Billy and Astin?

“Alright then.” Dom’s reflection winked at him.

______


Dominic answered his door in boxers and a t-shirt. Which was about right for two o’clock in the morning.

“Elijah? Was sleeping, you know.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I need to talk to you.”

“Got feet in two hours. Can’t it wait?”

“No. I need to talk to you alone. Please, Dominic? Let me in?”

“I’m not alone, Elijah.”

“Oh.” Fuck. Why did it take so long for Lij tme tme to his senses? Not that it would have mattered. “Orlando?”

“Yeah.”


~END.
*not. **not. Bu. But it’s eleven.