Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Author's Drivel:

The usual things apply. I don't own any of the Tolkien characters and yes, they're fairly warped from the original. This is all done in the name of my own brand of humour. I do own Kalina. She's my charmingly violent OFC. Try not to be put off by this. Regardless of anything else, she's fun to write and have been assured she's at worst entertaining.

Encouraging and constructive reviews and criticisms are very welcome.

Flaming me, sending me abuse, and plagiarism will not be tolerated and my vengeance can be best summed up by George Orwell:
"If you want a vision of the future, picture a boot stamping on a human face."

Now. Enjoy. Or don't. It's entirely up to you.


Chapter 1

It was a cool summer evening when Legolas arrived in Lothlorien. After a few years enjoying a relatively hedonistic lifestyle in Mirkwood, he had decided to travel to 'Lorien in hope of excitement, be it sordid or otherwise. Enjoying the pale twilight he had been denied in the dark woods he hailed from, Legolas climbed up a tree to the platform where Galadriel and Celeborn

"Welcome, Legolas," said Galadriel, smiling invitingly at the fair blonde elf that stood before her and Celeborn.

"Welcome, indeed, young elf. It is not nearly often enough that your people visit us," added Celeborn. He too smiled at Legolas, admiring his slender limbs clad in fine armour.

"My thanks, noble Lord and Lady. It is certainly refreshing to be here," ied ied Legolas as he scanned the faces of the other elves in the room. One in particular caught his eye, a blonde elf dressed in armour that defined him as a warrior. He looked on, feigning a look of disinterest.

"There shall be a feast this night, so I invite you to retire and rest until the festivities. We shall talk more then," said Galadriel.

"Haldir, show Legolas to his quarters," ordered Celeborn. The disinterested elf looked up, and then stepped forward.

"Follow me," said Haldir.

"Willingly," replied LegolHaldHaldir quickly looked away from him, convinced he could feel the young elven prince's eyes burning into his own hot elven arse.

Legolas followed Haldir along the network of walkways until they reached a small winding staircase leading up to a platform. Upon the platform was a small-secluded dwelling. A few such constructions were conveniently scattered around nearby, used to house guests of the head honchos of 'Lorien.

"So Haldir..." said Legolas.

"Yes?"

"Fancy a drink?" Legolas smiled and raised an eyebrow implying refusal would very much insult him.

"Sure, why not," sighed Haldir. He was feeling bored and a little unnerved at the sudden attention he was receiving. Recently things had been dull. There were few females in the area that hadn't at some point succumbed to his charm, including a rather sordid event with Galadriel herself... Monogamy gets dull when you happen to be immortal. It impresses short-lived mortals, but in actuality only a handful of the most uptight elves stick to it.

The same goes for heterosexuality. Immortality allows for experimentation in a big way.

"So what brings you our way?" inquired Haldir as Legolas found a conveniently well-stocked drinks cupboard and a pair of goblets.

"Boredom," mumbled Legolas, retrieving a bottle of fine local vintage from the cupboard. "I mean, I may be a prince but considering we have this habit of not dying there seems to be little point in waiting around for my father's death. And there's also the fact that my... er... reputation as such was making my father look less than the ideal monarch." Legolas and Haldir wandered through to the back of the structure and reclined upon the cushions beside a low-lying table.

"Let me guess. You've worked your way through all the worthwhile ladies back home and are looking for something new?" Haldir smirked as he took a sip of wine.

"That's pretty close to the mark. I just want something different. I'm sick of those dull little wenches who practically throw themselves at me," sighed Legolas. "There is just nothing to interest me and hardly any are willing to bring along a friend or get it on in the throne room."

"Well good luck to you. Half the girls here are on some nationalist kick and are trying to uphold some sense of chastity."

"Nationalist?" asked Legolas as he drained his wine and then topped it up.

"Yes. Blame Celeborn. He's been in a strop ever since he found out that Galadriel had been in a lesbian threesome without him getting to watch."

"What, again?"

"Yes, except this time he's quite sore about it. So he went on this trip about having to uphold our values and past and directed it at the female sector."

"Uh-huh..."

"As a result Celeborn has been spending a good deal of time skulking around the bushes and spying on the nubile population's more sordid acts. The overall results have creeped out enough girls to reduce the general level of depravity. Naturally Galadriel got pissed off and has been spending her time inspecting the military."

Haldir finished talking and realized that he had finished his wine. Before Haldir could reach for more wine, Legolas had leaned over and refilled Haldir's goblet. He then sat back and pulled out a small pouch and some fine papers.

"What's that?" asked Haldir, looking quizzically at the pouch.

"That, my friend, is Shire weed. Gandalf is quite keen on it. And I understand why..." Legolas began to skin up with the weed expertly. Within a few minutes (thanks to his nimble fingers) he had produced a foot long spliff and lit it. Inhaling deeply, he reclined on the cushions, and then gently exhaled. "So what's this feast in honour of then?"

"Guests. You're here, and there are one or two others who arrived earlier but I haven't bothered out finding whom. Oooh. That smells interesting," said Haldir camply, sniffing at the smoke.

"Here, have some," offered Legolas, sitting up and handing Haldir the spliff. Legolas then leaned back, smiling. He watched Haldir through half closed eyes, enjoying the mild psychedelic effects already setting on. In the pale twilight Haldir's hair seemed to shine with radiance.

"Mmm... I see exactly what you mean," said Haldir. He took another hit and passed it back.

"Here, this'll get you baked quicker," said Legolas. He shuffled over to Haldir and took a massive hit. Smiling at the now curious elf, Legolas leaned close to him. "Open your mouth, trust me and inhale."

"Wh-?" began Haldir before Legolas pressed his lips to Haldir's and slowly exhaled. Haldir, confused, shut his eyes and inhaled. Legolas pulled back and laughed at Haldir's flustered expression.

"What?" he snapped.

"Nothing. You looked terrified!"

"Surprised," mumbled Haldir defensively. "And that's it!" he added, unaware that he had started to blush.

Legolas noted this and smiled In recent months he had began experimenting with some of the more effeminate males of the species and had discovered it a far greater turn-on than inflicting submission on any female. There was just something so beautifully perverse about seeing a proud elf down on his knees begging to be slapped around the face with his princely elven member.

Haldir looked just the type.

"Look, just relax. Have a couple hits off of his and lie back and we'll try that again. Trust me. You'll thank me for it."

Haldir moved to object but fell silent. He felt... odd. Legolas was far more laid back and interesting than anyone Haldir had met in recent weeks. 'And fucking hot at that...' Haldir caught himself thinking before trying to suppress it. But instead of banishing the thought into the store of other OBVIOUS delusions, Haldir found his brain reminding him of that intangible tingly feeling he had felt when the other elf's lips had touched his.

He took a sip of wine then took the proffered spliff. After a few puffs, he leaned back on his elbows and passed the diminishing joint back to Legolas.

"Now this time don't panic," ordered Legolas, straddling Haldir and leaning forward. He inhaled then pushed Haldir down forcefully before pressing his mouth to Haldir's. He pulled back and smiled. "See?"

"Oooh... that was nice..." breathed Haldir.

"So is this," replied Legolas and then forced his mouth onto Haldir's and kissed him deeply.

To Haldir 's Shock and Awe he found himself returning the kiss and an onslaught of lust as powerful as March 21st 2003's bombing of Baghdad. He pulled Legolas closer and attempted to remove his chain mail

"Now be patient," said Legolas, gently pushing back Haldir's hand. "You're MY bitch now."

Haldir opened his mouth to object, and then shut it. He was more turned on than he had been in months, possibly years. He gazed up at the elven prince's predatory smile and felt his nether regions stiffen even further. It was at this point he realized that he would do anything Legolas commanded without hesitation. And Haldir knew he would revel in servitude of such a sublime being, regardless or possibly because of the submissive depravity he knew would ensue.

Indeed, this was the moment Haldir knew that deep inside he was a gimp.

"Command me, my master," breathed Haldir.

"You are a willing little slut, aren't you?" Legolas jerked Haldir up by his collar. "Well, you're mine now. And you will do what I tell you. Now stand up and strip."

Haldir obediently rose and began to slowly shed his garments until he stood naked before Legolas. Twilight had faded into night and the moon shone through the window, illuminating Haldir's lithe elven body.

Admiring Haldir's taught flesh, Legolas reached out and softly caressed the elf's supple neck. "Now get down on your knees and wait," said Legolas, pushing Haldir down. He kneeled willingly, tingling with anticipation. Legolas walked out of the room and to the adjacent sleeping quarters.