The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Author’s Note:

Right. I don’t own Middle Earth, I’ve blatantly abused the situation, but it’s all in the name of my sick sense of humour. Kalina and Celebelen are mine to do I w I want with. Be forewarned. Sodomy, fellatio, massive substance abuse and other sundry questionable things take place. If that’s not your thing, then I probably suggest avoiding it since I know I’m going to offend some people with this. That’s the beauty of media though. If you don’t like it, then don’t read it. And please don’t preach at me. I’ve got a well developed sense of morality that is disguised under layers of cynicism, black humour, and profanity.

On another note, Celebelen (the hapless Sue who gets degraded and corrupted) is meant to come across as an irrational vacuous moron. Just think of her as an amalgamation of all those awful characters you come across who are totally one dimensional, ditzy, and for some reason assume their presence will win over the hearts of all around them.

What can I say. I’ve always hated saccharine happy endings and overly cute and lovey-dovey tripe. Right. Enough of this pointless disclaimer. Enjoy. Or don’t. All that matters is that it provides me with catharsis and it makes quite a few people laugh out loud.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1: The Sudden Arrival of our Intrepid Heroine

Under a radiant midmorning sun Elrond was enjoying pottering about his garden in his slippers and dressing gown, pruning a few errant plants and checking to see that the late summer blooms were budding well. He liked spending time alone in his garden in Rivendell. It sprawled over a good few acres and while he was not alone in maintaining it, he took a certain amount of pride in caring for his plants. Especially the ones he had planted around the back from the seeds he had bought off of Celeborn not too long ago, secreted behind a hedge so the kids wouldn’t find them.

He decided to go and water some of the flowerbeds in the westernmost part of the garden, so he picked up his battered tin watering can and headed over to a quaint little well to fill it. He wandered placidly through the greenery then stopped in outrage. Someone blonde, dressed in pink and denim blue appeared to be lying on his favourite pansies. He was not impressed.

“DAMMIT! I only just finished weeding them yesterday!!” Elrond hurried over, looking extremely indignant. He grabbed a convenient rake and strode over to the unconscious figure. He gingerly prodded it with a rake.

“Wuh? Where am I?” queried a confused female voice as the figure stirred and pulled itself into a sitting position.

“You’re in my fucking garden!!! LOOK! You squished my flowers!” Elrond seethed, brandishing his rake formidably.

“I’m so sorry!” gasped what was in fact a young female human with grey-green eyes. “I think I’m lost,” she said, looking around her unfamiliar surroundings with an air of nervousness.

“Oh. Well as long as you didn’t deliberately destroy my hard work,” conceded Elrond. After all, he was basically a laid back pleasant fellow with a few bad habits. One of these was a tendency of gravitating towards attractive younger female. After all, he’d spent a good few decades moping about after Celebrian’s departure, but then life did go on and he’d meet up again with her one day, so Elrond figured he may as well enjoy the present. “I am Elrond. Welcome to Rivendell,” he said, offering a hand to the scared girl and smiling slightly.

“Elrond? Half-elven? I’ve read about you!” exclaimed the girl. “Why, I must be in Middle Earth!” she exclaimed. Elrond looked at her warily.

“Well, yes, where the hell would you be,” he said dryly.

“No, you don’t understand! I’m from Earth!” insisted tirl.irl. “As in America. It’s a different world from this one!”

“Oh, okay…” Elrond replied hesitantly. This was starting to sound familiar. It was amazing how often (at least in an elf’s lifespan) random girls from somewhere far far away would turn up in his back garden. Sometimes they were quite interesting. Elrond wasn’t sure about this one. “Come, let us head indoors. You must be tired or at least somewhat stunned for having transcended time and space. What is your name?”

“Would you call me Celebelen? I know it’s elvish,” said the girl optimistically. Elrond looked at her with an expression of confusion, revulsion, and amusement.

“You don’t look it. In fact, I’m almost certain you’re a human,” said Elrond. She looked human. She had the right kind of ears for it, and while attractive in a blonde-haired, green eyed precocious princess type of way, she was very blatantly mortal of some description.

“Yes, but it’s what I’ve always wanted to be called if I came to Middle Earth!” said Celebelen excitedly.

Rather than argue with the human, Elrond sighed. He was already starting to wonder what he was doing. Still, he had a reputation as a kindly elf-lord to keep up so he couldn’t exactly tell her to fuck off anytime soon. Plus there was hope she might still put out. And if not, Glorfindel’s attractive niece was apparently due to visit soon, so Elrond could conveniently ‘overlook’ this new addition and foist her off onto one of his offspring. Yes! Offspring!! That idea had potential. After all, he did have to go meet up with senior members of his household, go do some cataloguing and then sort out a mass of books that Bilbo hadn’t bothered replacing in the right shelves. Bloody hobbit.

“At the risk of appearing rude, I do have things I must see to soon and don’t really have time to ensure you are taken care of. I’m sure one of my daughters wouldn’t mind taking you under her wing,” said Elrond as they approached the house. “You’ll probably get on quite well with my youngest. She’s closer to your age.” Elrond was one of those parental species that are convinced that their children are living personifications of typical outspoken youth.

As he guided the still-bewildered arrival through his house, a screech resounded down the corridor. Celebelen looked around nervously, thinking they were under attack.

“Ah. Sounds like Kalina is awake,” said Elrond smiling. He led the worried mortal towards the origin of the bloodcurdling wails. Out of one of the doors at the end of the corridor burst a dark haired elf-maiden, screaming and rubbing her face.

“I GAVE YOU PLENTY OF WARNING BEFORE YOU FORCED ME TO USE THE MACE! NOW STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!!”

“YOU SKANKY LITTLE BITCH!! I KNOW YOU’VE GOT MY DIARY IN THERE!!” screamed the dark haired woman.

“I thought ‘nice’ elves didn’t USE language like that!!” screamed the first voice. A smaller girl emerged from the room, brandishing a small plant mister clearly full of a very nasty form of pepper spray. Her hair, a deep shade of auburn with a distinct fiery sheen to it, was loose and tangled and she was wearing a rather short violet satin dressing gown.

“WELL IT’S APPROPRIATE IN YOUR CASE!!! ADA!!!! KALINA’S BEING A BITCH AGAIN!!!”

“Arwen was trespassing. I cautioned her but she did not respond. I cautioned her again, but once more she did not respond again and I was forced to act,” said Kalina, her mace still aimed in Arwen’s direction as she turned to her father.

“You do have to admit that this is an improvement, dear,” said Elrond to Arwen. She glared at him. “Now, now… it wasn’t
so long ago that Kalina would have tried to break your kneecaps without warning. At least pepper spray won’t have any permanent damage.”

“It will ONLY make my eyes all horrible and puffy and I’m supposed to meet ARAGORN this afternoon,” snapped Arwen, refusing to remove her hands from her face.

“Oh right. Like the human will notice the difference,” snorted Elrond. “And stop looking at me like that! Aragorn is great but all I’m saying is you should keep your options open and remember, humans don’t just die on you, they go all hideous and decrepit first and THEN they die on you…”

“I’m going to my room!” On that note of maturity, Arwen stormed off, infuriated.

“What’s that?” demanded Kalina, staring menacingly at the blonde apparition. Celebelen tried to shrink behind Elrond, mildly worried. There had been girls like Kalina back in her high school. They tended to do things like smoke in the toilets and spend time drinking alcohol with older boys. They never did anything normal like try out for cheerleading practice or join the debate club.

“Ah! Celebelen, this is Kalina, my youngest daughter. Kalina, Celebelen randomly appeared in my flower garden. Get that look off your face; you know damn fine well those accusations pertaining to my shared interest in mushrooms with Celeborn are groundless, young lady. Anyway I have things to do. And so does Arwen by the looks of things. Do you think she’s alright?”

“Daddy, where is this going?” asked Kalina, looking suspicious.

“Oh! Right! Could you show Celebelen around for me and get her settled? She appears to have come from a long ways off rather suddenly,” explained Elrond.

“Okay… what the hell does that mean?” Kalina demanded.

“I hit my head and woke up in Middle Earth among elves!” sighed Celebelen blissfully. Kalina’s eyes widened, horrified by the girl’s tone. Elrond either did not notice or was doing his patriarchal duty of conveniently ignoring his children’s distress when it wasn’t particularly life-threatening. For them, anyway.

“See? Anyway I’ll leave you two to it. Must away. See you at dinner?”

“Yes, Daddy,” replied Kalina. Elrond smiled, kissed her on the cheek then wandered off, leaving the elf-girl to continue staring at Celebelen.

“Well, I suppose you’d better come in. Don’t touch anything. Some of my most prized possessions have been rigged with traps. There’s a particularly brutal one somewhere which has this poison that doesn’t kill you straight away, but if you’re human it makes your limbs slowly rot off,” said Kalina in mock cheery tones as she led Celebelen into her bedroom.