Finding Love Again

Finding Love Again

Pairing : Elladan/Elrohir, Orophin/Haldir
Rating : NC-17
Disclaimer : all elves belong to Tolkien, more is the pity
Summary : Elrohir feels Elladan needs to be sure in his decision
Author Note : A while ago …a long while ago, I wrote a fic about a conflict between the twins which resulted in Elladan fleeing to Lorien. There a friendship developed between the young lord and Orophin. Through this friendship they learnt of the love their held for their respective brothers, and Orophin taught Elladan the arts of love. Both found what their hearts desired, but now Elrohir has doubts that Elladan has experienced enough to commit to him alone. This is where this fic begins.

Chapter 1


Elladan paced the room then sat on the bed with his head in his hands. There was no looking up as the door was shut none too quietly. Picking up his clothes he made his way to the bath filling it with steaming water and scented oils. Tying the long black strands of hair back from his face Elladan slipped into the water with a sigh.

It was all becoming so much of a predictable event that he wondered why he was even trying. This latest circumstance was going to be another source of whispers and gossip he mused as he skimmed his hand over the surface of the water. Closing his eyes to let the oils work their way into his senses and soothe him, his thoughts drifted to his brother. There was a wry smile and a slow shake of the head. Elrohir it seemed suffered little of his twin’s predicament. If there was any luck to be had, the gossip in the morning would be of Elrohir’s latest conquest rather than his own misadventure.

Elrohir.

Elladan kicked at his clothes as he left the bath and not for the first time wondered why he had agreed to his brother’s suggestion.

“I love you Elladan,” he had begun, as Elladan sensed a ‘but’, waiting for it to come.

He was not to be disappointed.

“But,” Elrohir continued, attempting to avoid Elladan’s gaze, trying to regain some of the determination of earlier. He knew the words he wanted to say, but faced with his brother, that mustered courage failed. Not matter how he said this, what words he chose, he would hurt Elladan, hopefully not beyond remedy. “We are young, perhaps too young to know what truly lies in out hearts, if we…if we were to……..”

“Seek out others,” Elladan finished, “experience life before we decide and commit our lives eternally.”

“Yes,” Elrohir whispered.

They had both heard it before, together before their father and alone with him. Stressing he had no wish to part them, but wanting them to be sure before they have travelled too far to step back.

The hurt in Elladan’s eyes was there, Elrohir was sure of it, though he would not lift his own gaze to see it.

Elladan shrugged. What use was there to argue when Elrohir seemed so set on this course? A fear gripped him that Elrohir already had someone and his mind raced through the possibilities and the chances his brother may have had. But he would not ask, couldn’t ask, in case it were true. Better, he thought, imagining the worst than have it affirmed.

“Yes, if that is what you choose,” he replied after a moment. After all he could not hold Elrohir to him if his brother wanted the arms of another around him.

“I had……,” Elrohir tried to speak. He had hoped it was Elladan’s choice also, so often their thoughts were as one. Yet he had no chance to voice his hope as Elladan strode off.

“Elladan,” he called. **Elladan** he tried using the communication that was second nature to them. The wall of pain and hurt that hit him in reply brought him to his knees but his brother did not reply, nor turn back as Elrohir wept.

Self pity.

Those were the words that came to Elladan’s mind. Pointless self pity. While he could not embrace Elrohir’s need to seek company elsewhere, there was no need to steep himself in misery. The hour was late but what he needed was a change from the reminder of the current failure. Gathering his clothes from earlier in the day, Elladan dressed, strapped a dagger to his waist rather than the sword, and silently left the house for the stables.

The midnight coloured horse greeted him as Elladan led him from the stall and into the courtyard. “Let us ride awhile,” he whispered, “feel the wind, and listen to the trees.”

With the grace of one whose heritage was counted among the First born, Elladan mounted the stallion. Their leaving was marked by just one who stood at the window, holding back the heavy curtain.

Elrohir continued to observe his twin as Elladan rode fast across the valley, unbound hair streaming behind him, the light of the heavens reflecting in the ebony of horse and rider. For a moment time halted as Elladan stood on the ridge facing his home, a voice unheard beckoning his return.

“Elrohir.” The voice belonging to the second inhabitant of the room echoed in the silence and Elrohir’s attention on his twin was suspended for a heartbeat. And in that brief time between unity and isolation, Elladan was gone.

“Your thoughts were elsewhere.”

Elrohir nodded as he joined his companion, accepting the offered wine. “I am sorry.’

The elf touched his cheek, looking thoughtfully in the grey eyes before him. “When will you cease this torment?” he asked softly, the years of friendship giving him leave to speak openly, “when will you acknowledge what those around you can plainly see?”

“I do not know, “was the only reply Elrohir could give, “I do not know. Perhaps it is already too late to ask to reconcile and have things as they had been. To say I was wrong to want this……..but I wanted it for him, I did not want to shackle him with eternity when it was only my love for him that he saw.”

“You cannot be immune to the way he looks to you ?”

“No, I am not, it pains me beyond reckoning to see the hurt in his eyes…but I would not have him long for another and be bound to me…he needs to know…to be certain…that there is no other to whom he can gift his heart.”

“So you pretend you take others to your bed, while he tries and fails.”

“Yes.”

Melpomean sighed. He had lost count of the times they had spoken thusly to each other. The words may be different but the intent was the same, and each time he had failed to be convinced that the suffering was worthwhile. And each time he would finish the wine and the game, and cradle Elrohir in his bed while he wept and dreamed.

Elladan halted at the next ridge and looked over the moonlight landscape. While he was still heart sore, the ride had given him another focus and for a while given him reason to escape into another existence, where he was not at odds with the world, but in harmony. The wind rustled his hair, the trees spoke with a peace he had yet to achieve, but that gave him hope that had been sadly lacking for him.

“I love you Elrohir ,” he told the land, though unlike Elrohir himself, the land did not doubt it. “I can love no other.” He felt a smile as he replied to the tree’s whispers. He told them all he wanted to say to his brother. The deep unbridled love he had felt from the first awareness was not to be supplanted by another. He told them of the plans he had shared with Elrohir growing up, how then it had never occurred to him that Elrohir would seek another, how he had always imagined he and his brother together. The breeze circled him in the embrace he missed from his brother. Then he rode back.

Elrohir knew the moment the blond elf dismounted from the chestnut horse and approached his father that he was the one who would of all of them get closer to Elladan than any so far. Elladan met the gaze in recognition, and as Elrohir looked from one to the other, he saw through their eyes. He gave the new arrival a curt nod of greeting before asking for leave, not able to bear what was unfolding before him.

So this was the one who had taught Elladan how to love. Many times Elrohir had thanked the elf for his tutelage, for caring for Elladan, for showing him, but as he stood in the shadows and watched the embrace unable to pull completely away, his brother’s thoughts were less grateful.

Elladan seemed oblivious to his brother’s discomfort, indeed he was more animated than he had been in many months. He eagerly accepted his father’s invitation to escort Orophin to his rooms, leaving Elrohir to return to his own room to prepare for the dinner to follow.

That Elladan and Orophin entered as the last guests before the Lord of Imladris did nothing to settle Elrohir. That they sat for most of the meal engaged in their own conversation and that once the formalities of welcome were complete they remained oblivious to all around them, did not improve Elrohir’s humour. It tested him, only a hand on his shoulder stayed him from going to his brother. He turned to Melpomean.

“You said he had to find where his heart lay,” Melpomean whispered softly, “or you would never know. A little more patience Elrohir, just a little more.”

It was Orophin who suggested escape to walk in the gardens to ease limbs stiffened by days of riding. Elladan looked keenly around the room, eyes catching his brother lean close to Melpomean. Orophin placed his hand lightly on Elladan’s arm, guiding him to the balcony. It was not until they had moved down the steps and entered the shaded garden beyond that Orophin spoke.

“Haldir arrives within the week,” he began as Elladan stared into the distance.

“You are happy with him?” Elladan asked, stopping to motion to the bench.

“Yes,” Orophin replied smiling for a moment, following Elladan’s gaze into the darkness, then facing his young companion. “Elrohir?”

“Finds it best for us to …experience life….I recall his words to be…….before we decide to commit to eternity.”

“And are you content with this?” Orophin asked quietly, knowing the answer, but wishing to have Elladan speak of it.

“There is little to be said against his reasoning……there have been few for whom I have felt a desire for, fewer still I have thought I could love, only one that my heart calls to…but he seeks to explain this as my lack of experience, and presses me to be certain.”

“He has…..”

Elladan shook his head with a slight smile. “More than I can count, but lately there is one whom he seems to favour.”

“And you…”

Elladan laughed, the sound harsh in the quiet of the night. He shook his head. “If you listen to the gossip….I am at best…..disinterested.”

Orophin put his arm around his friend, cradling his head against his shoulder. “Elladan,’ he whispered, “this is not your path, nor your brother’s if what little I have seen has been judged correctly.”

They stay under the canopy of stars in silence, Orophin offering a sanctuary within the folds of his arms. Elladan accepted the comfort, knowing how his friend understood the certainty he felt with no need to judge it against another.

“We should be away to our beds,” Orophin offered softly.

Elladan nodded, then looked up. “Stay with me?” he asked.

Orophin too nodded, recognising the need for company that demanded nothing. “I will.”