You were the one for me.

Title: You were the one for me.
Author: Fishy (fishyz9@yahoo.com)
Rating: Um, PG13?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Glorfindel leaves Erestor, Erestor discovers why.
Notes: Un-beta’d, AU, angst I think. No real happy ending, but room for a tiny sequel perhaps. Oh, and inspired by the song ‘Good bye my lover’ by James Blunt. The second I heard this I thought of E/G, and it broke my heart. Know that I was aiming for a slither of hope at the end, but whether anyone can see it, well, that’s up to you. Also, god damn this fic doesn’t make sense.


You were the one for me.

He had stood before his mirror, smoothing down the fabric of his robe as he breathed deeply. His gaze was rather blank as he stared at his reflection, the only sound to be heard being the low murmur of the gathering in the halls not far away, and the low rumble of the thunder outside his chamber windows.

He had always told him how beautiful he had thought him to be. How his eyes, and that how uniquely dark they were, was just so perfect to him. He had said such commenting things, that usually, he would of smiled indulgently at but paid no head to. But coming from this one, coming from the one who had always meant to be solely for him, such words had meant the world, had in fact, made him beautiful.

He had left his quarters, flattening his hair and straightening his posture, and filled with a hope that was so fruitless that it pained him. The music had grown louder, clearer, as he approached the banquet. And he had swallowed hard, when finally stepping into the hall. Again he smoothed down the maroon velvet of his robes as he peered with his neck strained, through the crowd and over the heads of those gathered.

As he looked for him, he pondered at the sadness he felt so deeply imbedded inside of himself. He pushed it away, because he knew that to acknowledge it, simply made his efforts that much more desperate. He ignored truth and reality, because in his world, in his mind he had always believed that if one was to love this intensely, than to persevere would eventually lead to that happy ending. He did not believe that a cruelness such as this could exist, not alongside the intense perfection and wonder that could be had - and was had by others with ease. He believed in that perfect love, had in fact, found it, and refused to admit that, he had not so much as lost it but… had been abandoned by it. That was not how love worked. The world was better than that, it had to be.

These thoughts had, unbeknown to him, made him quite emotional as he stood there, invisible amongst his kin. His breath caught slightly, and his eyes glistened as he continued to search the crowd. And then he spotted him. He gasped quietly, and a small smile touched his lips as he looked upon that cascade of golden hair that spread over a broad back and quickly, whilst licking his lips he reached with both hands to check that all was in place, that he looked just as Glorfindel had always liked. But then, then Glorfindel turned, and he noticed that the music playing was slow, slow and romantic. And that, worse still, there was someone in his arms, swaying slowly to the music, moulded intimately against the warrior’s frame.

He let a painfully quiet and pathetic ‘No’ slip from his lips in the barest of breaths, and had to in that instant, forget any hope and faith he had always lived by. Lost, was any trace of innocence and misguided alliance to that which was trusting and dedicated to what he had always felt true. His life split, it cracked, and there was no goodness, nothing to cling to as harsh truth rushed in and his heart broke. It broke, splintering like wood. No longer a soft and expanding muscle, so capable of love and such loyalty. Just jagged pain left, unbearable to look at, and disgusting to the taste or any other senses.

For a moment, their eyes met. Glistening brown, pleading to understand why. And clear blue, that widened for only the briefest of seconds, barely seen, only to set hard on the one that watched him with such shock.

Erestor’s hand hovered somewhere near his moth that hung open slightly, in a downward shape. His brows drew together sadly and his gaze became blurry, but not so distorted as to not see Glorfindel’s hands slowly caress down the anonymous elf’s sides, his face nuzzling into the slimness of the elf’s neck as his cold and unreadable gaze never left his own.

His hand fisted, and his mouth closed tightly. He swallowed hard and a small painful noise escaped the dry tightness of his throat, but was lost amongst the music. His clenched fist came to rest over his stomach, as if such a sight pained him in his very gut to see.

Slowly he turned, lowering his head as he, with haste, weaved his way out of the hall. A wail, threatening to spill from his lips at any moment. As soon as he found himself clear of any other, and outside alone in the cold night air that smelled faintly of rain, he let a hoarse cry slip out, and stumbled across the grounds. Thankfully he went unseen, and continued to trip as he gulped for air between his heaving breaths, finally secluding himself by the edge of the forest that surrounded the grounds.

He leaned heavily against one of the trees as lightning split across the sky, and slid roughly to the damp ground, facing away from the lights and faint music. He sat there silent for a while, trembling and dazed, and unaware of the water droplets that fell from above. The wetness of his cheeks trailed down his neck, and licking his lips, he could taste faint salt. His head lolled to one side and then the other, faint mumblings of denial that made no sense slipping from his lips without thought.

He looked down upon himself, his breath coming quickly, and he touched his hair with fingers that couldn’t quite close of grasp. The look of heartbreak turned to one of absolute hatred, and his hands that had so innocently trembled only moments ago, gained strength, and harshly yanked at the braids in his hair.

“Stupid! You’re stupid!” He screamed.

Strands of long, silky black hair caught between his fingers, having been torn from a soft scalp. His hair that had shone so sleek and beautifully, was pulled at all odd angles, and looked savage. His robe was next, and with strained fingers he ripped at the clasps, tearing the richly coloured fabric with horrid urgency.

“Stupid stupid!” He screamed shrilly.

The fabric tore, as did his fingers that pulled at the finely cut, jewelled fastenings. He paid this no heed, and continued in his tirade of helplessness.

His faith, was dying a slow and painful death as thunder clashed and beat its drum above him.

His robe hung from one shoulder, and dirt smudged along one cheek as his bleeding fingers sought to destroy more. It took him a while, to realise that someone was holding his hands still before him, and his wrists twisted painfully in the tight grasp.

“Stop it, stop it!” The horrified elf barked.

The distraught elf slowed his movements and struggling, when focusing on the elf that held him still on the floor, against that tree. Blue eyes that were startled and shocked beyond belief stared back at him widely, with fear. And he felt at once, torn between pitifully pleading why, and tearing apart the one responsible for his woes.

“What is this madness?!” He hissed, “have you lost your mind?!”

Erestor could not find the words, he could only struggle pointlessly, with fists clenched against the one who held him still. Still, being the very thing he could not bear right then.

“Y-you see this?” Glorfindel asked with a somewhat unsure quality to his voice, as if he did not believe his own words. “You made me do this, you made me do that!” He shouted, meaning his antics in the hall, that had turned both their stomachs.

“Why?” Was the barely here or there voice, so powerless and painfully lacking in grace. “Why?” He whispered again, pushing forwards. And Glorfindel retreated, his hold on those slim wrists changing purpose. He did not hold still, he held at bay. They both knelt on cold wet ground, facing one another, one grief stricken, skin sore with the sting of wetness and the cold. Another, almost there with him.

“Because you pushed too far Erestor, too far.” He spoke back, his voice low and his gaze like steel and dread.

“I pushed too far?!” Erestor replied in disbelief, and gave into the weaker of warring emotions. He sat back on his own feet unsteadily, looking up at the kneeling warrior. His wrists limp in his unkind grip.

“I asked you to except me, to have me and cherish me. I asked to belong to you, and to have what I could of yourself in return..” He replied weakly. “I…” his voice shook, “I asked you to love me, to marry me.”

The warrior’s lips pressed together tightly, and his jaw clenched as he fought to maintain his cruelness, “You should not of asked.” He spoke, his voice meaning to sound rough and hateful, but coming out as nothing but a harsh breath. And he found himself losing the strength to keep his lips from sagging downwards.

“But why..” tears fell hot and fast as he tried to kneel up to see eye to eye, but the blond would not allow it, and bent those wrists so that Erestor could only look up at him. However, his grip of those slim wrists began to shake, alternating between gentle, and bruising. “Just make me understand..” he pleaded, “you said I was precious to you…” he accused.

“I lied,” and he swallowed at the pained expression such harsh words earned him.

“You said I was your perfection..” he whispered, eyes wide and glistening,

“You are not.” Glorfindel replied, and again he clenched his jaw as his voice because weak.

“You took my innocence..”

“Out- out of boredom,” he attempted to growl, and felt moisture prick heavily in the corner of his eyes.

“You…” he sobbed quietly, believing that only now was he learning the truth of the matter. “You said I was beautiful..” and he waited, afraid of what was to come.

Glorfindel took a shuddering breath, and he swallowed hard as he leaned down so as their brows could nearly touch, “you are hideous,” he whispered weakly, but it was enough.

Those dark eyes widened, and the advisor’s body became limp. The grip on his wrists being the one thing to keep him upright.

“I am?” He whispered, so sadly.

Two fine golden brows drew together sadly, and he released a harsh breath, “yes,” he whispered, and could take no more. He released those wrists and quickly turned his back to Erestor, one hand shamefully covering his mouth as his eyes clenched shut.

Suddenly, Erestor could feel the rain, and became slowly aware of how bitterly cold it was. In fact, it was so cold, so cold he felt he could die. The rain fell thicker, heavier. And to him, it seemed to tune out all else. He thought he could barely see Glorfindel any more, could barely hear him. Where in truth they had not moved, and the downpour was only enough to plaster the wet hair upon their heads.

“So you just…” there was a roughness in Glorfindel’s voice that were through the hardship of trying to bark through threatening tears alone. “..you just stay away. You see how treacherous I am now, don’t you? So - so good, leave me alone, and bother someone else!”

Erestor only just gained the ability to move, and stand no less as he saw that the warrior was walking away, leaving him there, alone in the rain. And something deathly horrid snapped inside of him. For now there was nothing left. And when there is nothing good left to hold onto, the bad overwhelms.

He stood, and with fists clenching at his sides. He was a sight, a stark difference as to how he had looked at the beginning of the evening. He looked wild, ruined, defiled and shattered. “No,” he spoke quietly, finding his own voice once again. “No!” He shouted, and Glorfindel turned to face him, startled.

He had no time to duck out of the way, and was too shocked to fight off the flying fists and slaps that luckily, held little strength. He found himself weeping, and gave up. His arms circled around the smaller elf slowly, the pounding to his chest and slaps to his face only lessening as he tightened his grip. Until finally, Erestor had no space to thrash, and they again slumped to the wet and slippery ground. One sobbing, his heart lurching, and the other weeping, consumed by failure and defeat.

“You can’t just do that.. Y-you cant do that to me,” Erestor sobbed, slumped against the broad chest.

“Oh god’s,” Glorfindel whispered to himself. “I can’t do it, this cant be happening...”

“I’m not hideous,” Erestor whispered defiantly, sounding alike to a child fighting off the taunts of another. “please, don’t let me be..” he whimpered.

“Erestor!” The warrior suddenly cried out, and held him in a crushing embrace, rocking slightly as he sobs tore through him. He clutched desperately at the small back, holding him so close, “oh Erestor,” he cried.

“Why are you doing this to me, what did I do wrong?” he whispered pitifully, raising his watery gaze to meet Glorfindel’s own. When Glorfindel could not find it within himself to answer, the advisor became bolder, his voice regaining a firmer quality. “Why that other elf?”

“No, it’s not, it’s not like that…” Glorfindel tried valiantly, but his voice broke, and he could not continue.

“Why do you hate me for loving you? What is so wrong with…”

“Stop it!” Glorfindel cried, and felt so utterly drained. “Why couldn’t you just leave it as it was..” he spoke sadly, shaking his head.

Erestor’s gaze hardened. He knelt up and demanded he be met. He was still on that edge, and he still had little conviction in his voice and felt weak, but an end was needed.

“Because I made the mistake of loving you,” he leaned forwards, and brushed their lips together. “And by your blade, I will slay myself with your name upon my lips.”

“Please!” The warrior cried out in horror, “do not do that to me, do not die of me!” He implored, grasping the tops of Erestor’s arms harshly.

“Then the truth, now.” He demanded, his chin trembling. And he swallowed as Glorfindel stood and put distance between them. When no answers were forthcoming, he got to his feet and yanked the warrior to him by the hem of his damp sleeve.

“Was it boredom?” And Glorfindel could hear the fear in his voice.

“No, no it was not,” he whispered back, afraid to lie.

“Am I…” his body trembled, and Glorfindel could feel the advisor’s hands fist in his tunic. “..Am I..?”

“I could die, your soulful eyes haunt me so.”

“I don’t believe you,” Erestor whispered.

Glorfindel shook his head, his eyes pleading. And a small, afraid breath left his lips. “As the sun rises and sets,” he spoke as levelly as he could, “you are my angel. But…”

“I knew it,” Erestor cried, and release his grip on the warrior.

“No..” Glorfindel stood there after, lacking any normal grace, and only just caught the distraught elf’s wrist. “No, no stop!” He said fiercely as Erestor struggled against his strength. “Alright!” He shouted, “the truth?!” And Erestor stopped his desperate movements, “the truth is that…” he released Erestor, took a step back, and ran a heavy hand through his wringing wet hair, “the truth is that I’m messed up Erestor!” He held his hands out at his sides and then let them fall limply with a slap either side of his legs.

He advanced once more on the stunned elf before him, and spoke between gritted teeth. “I, am messed - up, Erestor. I am so wrong, so bad inside…”

“That is obscene!”

“You don’t know me Erestor, loving and knowing, are two entirely different things!”

The rain fell heavily now, but Erestor could still decipher the tears from the water droplets running down the warrior’s fair face that was contorted with unknown torment. Erestor frowned slightly, and unsteadily he held out a hand, pointing, afraid and accusing, amid the rain. He stepped closer, and could see the warrior cringe in some sort of self debate, recoiling from him.

“You need to tell me,” he said with his voice low with trepidation, “..everything that you have been keeping from me, and now.” He flinched when suddenly met with such a hateful, bitter gaze.

“I do not have to tell you a damn thing!” The warrior screamed. His eyes widened a moment later, and Erestor felt a sickening fright settle in his stomach, to see that Glorfindel had had absolutely no control over what he had just said.

“Glorfindel,” he shook visibly, fearful, for not his own well-being, but for Glorfindel’s, “god’s, what was that?”

The warrior’s hands shook as they covered his shocked and appalled expression. And he shook his head from one side to the other helplessly. “I don’t know, I don’t know!” He cried.

“How.. How long have you…”

“Recently.. I… there is such a badness inside of me Erestor. I swear to you, I did not know it was there when first I began to love you. Otherwise I would of stayed clear of you, right clear!”

“Oh, oh Glorfindel…”he wept softly, stepping closer with arms out wide. “I didn’t know..”

“I did not want to end our union, I swear, but I would hurt you, and I could not have you see me this way, so disgraced, so disgusting. And when you pronounced marriage, I just knew..”

“Can’t you see? You have done me the greatest of hurts by turning me away like this!” Erestor pleaded, advancing on him, “to make me think myself unloved, you should of told me Glorfindel!”

“Keep away!” And he pushed hard, sending Erestor tumbling to the ground in shock. His eyes widened at his sudden actions, and his immediate need was to go to him, crumpled and afraid as he was on the ground. But instead he held back, so asunder, and so confused. “Oh god’s, oh god’s look at me!”

Erestor leaned up shakily on his hands, resisting the urge to back away. “Glorfindel…”

“Do you see now why I must keep you away, do you see why I must be cruel?” He paced a short distance, and coming to a halt, he slowly approached, and sank to the ground, kneeling just in front of the advisor, but no closer.

“Please know, that I think you more stunning than the stars,” he whispered, “and here you are, in the rain, and my heart begs to be near you, to call you mine..”

“Then…” Erestor began carefully, leaning forwards, but stopped at the hand held up, in warning to not come closer.

“Know that, you were the one for me, Erestor. You were my great love.”

A whimper, and a small cry left Erestor’s lips, and as Glorfindel backed away he quickly crawled forwards, and lunging as the warrior made to stand, clasped onto his tunic.

“It can be fixed, surely..” he sobbed, “Elrond can..”

“I don’t know, time Erestor, time…”

“I can’t be without you, please..” he begged, and his tears ran clean trails through the smudges of dirt on his pale cheeks.

“Erestor let go,” he pleaded, “I will hurt you…”

“No, no!”

“Erestor!” He grasped the elf by the shoulders, and allowed himself but a moment, to take his last fill of Erestor’s scent, his voice. “Erestor,” he said with more calm, but not nearly enough, “I can not be with you until I am well again, until I am clean. And if this doesn’t.. if I can not… then there will be no happy ending for us.”

“No,” the darkling elf cried, hiccupping and shaking his head.

“Yes,” Glorfindel whispered back, and he disentangled himself from Erestor’s sweet arms, even as Erestor stood to follow, he turned to leave, to run.

“Glorfindel!” Erestor called, and facing those bottomless dark eyes, the warrior gave the two of them more moment together.

Erestor pointed back to the hall from which he had ran from earlier that eve, “don’t do that again,” he spoke, drenched and sodden. And Glorfindel knew what it was he meant. “No others, and no more cruelty, just stay clear until you can love me. Or I swear I will die, I swear it.” He finished in a whisper.

“I swear,” he answered, his deep voice breaking. Again he made to leave, and again he paused at Erestor’s bidding. Though he would not allow himself to turn to face him, he could not.

“Know that,” and he could hear that the advisor’s voice was thick with tears. “Know that I have faith, that I will still trust this love. And know..” he voice broken, and continued in a whisper of a voice,

“…know that you were the one for me.”

He left, without looking back to the weeping elf, who stood alone in the rain. Whether he would ever be able to return to him, to hold him or be held, he did not know. But Erestor’s words, his last words, seemed to shrink the foreign hatred inside of him, and gave him courage.

The End.