Once A Year

Title: Once a Year
Author: TICS
Rated: Hard R or soft NC17
Genre: Humor, Slash
Elves taken by surprise: Rumil/Orophin/Haldir, implied Legolas/twins
Summary: Once a year, at midnight, the Elves go on a journey.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but an 89 Ford with four bald tires and a bad attitude. You want it? It's yours.

A/N: Written in response to the weekly challenge at Dream Elf: Write a ficlet starting with the sentence, "It happens at midnight."


Once A Year

"Psst...it happens at midnight."

"What?"

"It happens at midnight..."

"WHAT?"

"Clean the damn wax out of your ears, Orophin...I said, IT HAPPENS AT MIDNIGHT!" Rumil shouted, putting mouth up against his brother's ear and roaring.

Orophin flew out of his chair, grabbing his ear, a painful look on his face. "Are you crazy? Do you want me to go deaf?" he grumbled, taking a swipe at his younger brother. "What happens at midnight?" he asked, still rubbing his offended ear.

Rumil rolled his eyes, and managed to look quite put-upon, even though he was still extremely excited. "Don't you know what day it is? Orophin...today's THE day!"

Comprehension dawned on Orophin's face so clearly that Rumil could have sworn he'd seen the lantern go off over his brother's head. "It's today? Great Eru...I'd nearly forgotten! What time is it? Is it time yet? I'm not ready!" he gasped, suddenly bolting from the room and into the bath. "ACK! Look at my hair! I can't go like this...what will they think? Rumil...help me!"

"You like fine...and I can't help you...I still have to get ME ready," Rumil smirked, casting a quick look at himself in the mirror and realizing that he really didn't need to do anything...he looked quite handsome, as far as he was concerned. "Hurry up, now...Legolas is here, and Haldir is already insisting that we're going to be late...and you know how much he hates being late for anything!"

Orophin's hands tugged and pulled feverishly at his braids, ripping them out and nearly snatching the hair from his head in the process. His hands were mere blurs as he worked like the dickens to get his hair in some semblance of order, settling for two, fairly simply side braids and leaving the rest of his shimmering silver hair to fall free in the back. "Great Eru's Bouncing Balls...what am I going to wear?" he cried, flying to his wardrobe and throwing open the door.

Rumil watched from the bed as various articles of clothing came sailing out of the wardrobe like some bizarre clothing-snowstorm, littering the bedroom. A pair of leggings landed on his head like a hat, and he grumbled as he ripped them off and threw them to the floor. "What you're wearing now is fine, Orophin...really...it's not as if they're going to let you keep them on, anyway!"

"First impressions are important, Rumil...I want to look my best. Now...the silver, or the blue?" Orophin replied, holding up an ensemble of each color for Rumil's inspection.

"I couldn't care less if you went in your jammies, brother. Just let's get going before Haldir comes up here and drags us both out by our hair!" Rumil groused, smoothing out a wrinkle in his own deep burgundy tunic.

"You are absolutely of no value, Rumil," Orophin shot back, settling on the dark blue tunic and leggings, knowing full well how they set off his fair coloring. "I'll be ready in a minute...really...you could have reminded me earlier!"

"And miss out on this show you're putting on? Never!" Rumil laughed, ducking the boot that came sailing at his head from the wardrobe.

"What in Mordor is taking you two so long?" Haldir thundered from the doorway. He strode into the bedroom, put his hands on his hips and glared at his brothers. "Do you know what time it is? We're going to be late! Do you want those Guardian-wannabes from Imladris to beat us there? HURRY UP!" he bellowed, the force of his roar actually blowing tendrils of Rumil's hair away from his face.


"Whew...two words, brother..."breath mint," Rumil laughed, waving his hand in front of his face.

"Very funny. Nice to know that you think you have time to crack jokes at my expense when it's nearly midnight!" Haldir retorted, grabbing Rumil by the arm and hauling him up from the bed. "Orophin! Get your sweet elven ass in gear and move it!" he bellowed to his other brother who was still hopping about in the wardrobe, trying on various accessories.

"I'm nearly ready...there...how do I look?" Orophin asked stepping out from behind the wardrobe's door.

"Like an Elf. Come on! We're going to be late for sure! If Elladan and Elrohir get all the attention, I'm holding you two responsible!" Haldir growled, grabbing hold of Orophin's arm also and marching both brothers out of the talan.

Reaching the forest floor, they met up with Legolas, who had traveled from Mirkwood to Lothlorien so that he might meet up with the Lorien brothers for this once a year event. "Rumil...Orophin...nice to see you again. Haldir, are we ready? It's nearly midnight!" Legolas said, greeting them. He looked quite handsome himself, dressed in his tried and true silvery tunic, his mithril circlet glittering across his forehead.

"Don't blame me...I was ready! It's these two...they were both 2 weeks late when they were born, and they haven't managed to be on time since!" Haldir smirked, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at his brothers. Secretly, he was a little annoyed that Legolas had chosen to wear his crown. He didn't feel it quick cricket to remind everyone that he was royalty...seemed to give him an unfair advantage.

Quickly, the four of them moved through the Golden Wood to the pre-arranged departure area, a square of cleared wood roped off on all four sides by velvet ropes, and a sign that read, "Warden Barrier - Do Not Cross."

Stepping over the rope, the four of them joined a few other elves already waiting, including Celeborn, himself, who eyed Legolas and reached up to adjust his own circlet. "Are we all here?" he asked, casting a look around him. "Good...we should be going in just a few moments. Remember...you represent Lorien - and Mirkwood," he added reluctantly. "Make certain that you give your absolute best! I'll not have Imladris outshining our performances!"

The elves in the square grinned, and chattered excitedly about previous years journeys. They looked forward to this night every year...this new and thrilling tradition that had started not very many years ago, but had continued with great enthusiasm ever since.

The first time had been quite a shock and the elves who'd gone hadn't been believed at first...not until the second year when it had happened again, with more elves as witnesses. Since then, a lottery was held to choose the participants - after all, Celeborn couldn't very well leave the Golden Wood unprotected by sending all of his wardens...although he himself was always a participant. Sometimes, it was good to be the King...er...Lord.

The air around the holding area began to shimmer, and the elves grinned broadly, knowing that it was about to begin. Suddenly, all were hit with a sharp feeling of vertigo as the Wood about them seemed to spin madly around them. When the spinning finally stopped, and they were able to stand without feeling dizzy, they were there.

"Welcome, welcome!" a young, pretty female said, holding a clipboard and greeting them. She looked down at her checklist and performed a short roll call. "Lord Celeborn, nice to see you, as always. Ooh...looks like we've hit the jackpot this year...Haldir, Orophin, Rumil, welcome...oh, very nice to see you, Your Highness!" she smiled, nodding toward Legolas.

Haldir smirked...he knew that the crown would garner Legolas a bit more attention. He rolled his eyes as the Prince practically preened.

"Well...let's get started! According to my list, you've all been assigned to the Slash Room this year - very exciting! Is everyone alright with that? Good! Now...let's head off to the buffet first...you must be hungry and we can't have any growling tummies tonight, now can we?" she continued cheerfully, ushering them all into the main banquet Hall. "Plus, we need a few moments to get your assignments ready!"

"The Slash Room? Sounds painful," Rumil murmured to Legolas as they followed their guide to the banquet. They picked up plates at one end of the long table, and began walking along, filling their plates with food.

"Never been to the Slash Room, Rumil?" Legolas asked, raising a brow. "It's...different, I'll give you that much. Nice for a change though. I wonder who'll be in there with us? Last time I was in the Slash Room, I got paired with Glorfindel...talk about egos! Still...I like it better than the BDSM room...that can be uncomfortable, and its DEFINITELY better than the Other Species Room...you don't want to know who I was paired with in there!" he laughed, holding his plate out to receive a large slice of turkey from the chef carving.

"Whoa...back up...what do you mean, 'paired with Glorfindel?' What's that supposed to mean?" Rumil asked, plopping a large biscuit on his plate.

"Rumil...didn't you read the pamplets?" Legolas asked, shaking his golden head. "The Slash Room is for ellyn only, Rumil."

Rumil's hand froze over the candied yams. "Ellyn only? ELLYN ONLY?" he repeated, turning a shocked face toward Legolas. "You mean...ellyn...with...ellyn?"

"No, I mean ellyn with goldfish. Of course I mean ellyn with ellyn. Sheesh," Legolas smirked, snorting a bit at Rumil's naiveté. You really should have read the material they provided."

"Oh...Sweet Elbereth...I don't think I'm hungry anymore..."

"Relax, Rumil...it's fun! You'll like it...maybe we'll get paired together. If not, just let your partner know it's your first time and they'll guide you through it...unless it's Elrond. He doesn't have much patience with first-timers."

Rumil was pacified, but still a bit nervous.

After eating, the Elves were rounded up again by their guide. "Okay...are we ready? Anyone need anything? No? Good! Follow me, please," she said cheerfully, leading them out of the banquet hall and to another room. Over the doorway a sign emblazoned in gold lettering proclaimed the room to be the "SLASH ROOM."

Inside, Legolas, Rumil, Orophin, and Haldir were shown into a small anteroom and saw several other Elves already there in various stages of undress. Hooks and shelves were placed around the room, where the other elves were neatly hanging their garments.

"Hurry now...everyone is waiting to begin!" their guide called, beaming at them. She slipped into the main room, leaving the Elves to undress.

Naked, they grinned at one another, then passed into the main room. The floor of the room was strewn with fluffy comforters and oversize pillows, and small baskets holding different sized, shaped and colored vials.

Each Elf walked past a large chalkboard and scanned it for their name so that they could see, not only who they were paired with, but what their assignment was to be. Legolas grinned, seeing that he was paired with the Imladris twins, but Rumil stopped stock still in front of the board, his finger poised over his name. Next to his name were the names of his brothers.

"I think there's a mistake on mine, Legolas," he whispered, elbowing the golden-haired Prince and showing him Rumil's name on the board. "It says I'm to be paired with Hal and 'Phin! And what does the big "3" and "Daisy Chain" and "Doggystyle" next to our names in red mean?"

"There's no mistake, Rumil...there are never mistakes here. They want to see you and your brothers...the "3" means "threesome," "Daisy Chain and Doggystyle" are positions. Very exciting stuff for your first time...and your brothers will be able to help you along," Legolas replied, clapping Rumil on the back.

"Why on Arda would they want to see me and my brothers have at it?" Rumil asked, still perplexed.

"That's a big turn-on to some people, Rumil...you and your brothers are all very handsome, you know. I mean, you know that the whole purpose of us being brought here is to inspire these writers, right? Give them what they like to call "plot bunnies?" They watch us and get ideas...we do it because because we like to get to get laid, and this way we don't have to worry about forming attachments...just relax and go with it, Rumil...you'll have a blast!" Legolas laughed, moving away in search of the Peredhil twins.

Another Elf scanned the board and groaned. "Aw, for the love of the Valar...not the buttplug again..." he groused, pushing past a bewildered Rumil and stomping off.

"RUMIL!" Haldir called from the floor of the room, waving Rumil over to where he and Orophin were already sitting. Orophin was digging through one of the baskets of vials, lifting one after another, opening it, sniffing it, and replacing it.

Rumil walked over, picking his way around Elves already engaged in some fascinating acts...at least, fascinating to Rumil, who hadn't seen such activities before. Still, they all looked as though they were enjoying themselves...although Rumil wondered how he was going to be able to do those things with his brothers and not bust out laughing. "I mean...really!" he thought, stepping over a couple who seemed to be attached stem to stern, "I've always joked with Haldir about his big, jiggly butt...now they want me to...jiggle it myself...SNORT!" he giggled to himself.

Rumil sat down near his brothers, just as Orophin was showing Haldir a vial. He tried to ignore the chairs that lined the room, each holding a human man or woman. The humans were avidly watching the Elves interact on the floor, whispering to one another and writing feverishly in small notebooks.

"Clove okay with you, Hal? Or do you want to go with the sandalwood this time?" Orophin was asking the March Warden.

"Sandalwood. Clove gave me a rash the last time," Haldir replied. He looked at his baby brother, who had plopped himself down on the cushions next to him. "I get to be on top, Rumil...I ALWAYS get to be on top. Just wanted to let you know ahead of time," he said, in a voice that told Rumil he meant it.

"On top...sure...whatever you say, Jiggle Butt," Rumil answered.

"We'll see who's butt is jiggling in just a little bit, brother dear," Haldir sneered, taking the scented oil and preparing himself. Rumil's eyes widened a bit...he'd seen his brother naked before, but hadn't quite pictured Haldir's girth in relation to Rumil's rather small bottom. "Er...Legolas said to remind you that it's my first time in the Slash Room, Hal..." he whispered, his ears turning red.

"Always a first time for everything, Rumil," Haldir grinned before tackling his brother to floor. Orophin laughed, then busied him as well, and before long one could barely tell where one brother started and another ended.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So..." Legolas asked Rumil after they had re-dressed and were awaiting their transportation back to Middle Earth, "what did you think of the Slash Room?"

Rumil frowned at Legolas. "I won't be able to sit down for a week - that's what I think!"

"He didn't do badly for a first-timer," Haldir said, grinning at his younger brother and rubbing his crotch. "But he needs practice. Luckily, we live in same talan and I can give him personal instruction!"

Rumil cringed, but truthfully he was already looking forward to next year, and he really wouldn't mind being assigned to the Slash Room again. Maybe he'd get paired with Legolas, or someone exotically dark like Erestor. But with all his heart, he hoped that next year Haldir found himself assigned to the "Other Species Room"...and hopefully partnered with an Oliphaunt.

The End