Turtles

Title: "Turtles"

Rating: R (for implications)

Pairing: Elijah Wood/Dom Monaghan, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd

Synopsis: I have insomnia tonight. This is what happens when I don't sleep. Hit the link and expect a completely ridiculous storyline.
Disclaimer: Oh. None of this happened, that I know of. I know nobody depicted here. Dang.

Writ for the "X-treme Emotion" challenge. I chose happiness/hilarity/hyperactivity, the "Three-H's". ENJOY.
(Started at 4:24 a-frikkin-m)


"It's no use. There's nothing we can do."

Dom looked from Billy to Sean, who shrugged. "I didn't think it was THAT funny," Sean replied, taking another swig of his beer.

"What??" Dom yelled.

"I SAID, I didn't think it was THAT FUNNY."

"What?? Oh, HONESTLY, Lij!!"

The relentless hoots of laughter didn't die down; it was pretty well known that Elijah was the more easily amused of the cast, falling into giggling fits at any moment, for any reason. But now it was simply ridiculous; all that Dom, Billy, Sean and Elijah planned on doing tonight was to hang out, watch television, and goof off. It was the start of their first week's holiday from filming. Perhaps the incredible amount of pressure Elijah had in working on the film was now exploding.

He lie on his side on the rug, laughing so hysterically that dust was fluttering from the cream colored weavings below his cheek. Dom stuck a finger in his ear, wincing as one particularly piecing shriek of laughter filled the air. "Jiminy Christmas, shut the TV off!" Sean cried out; Billy grabbed up the remote, ending the babble of a news broadcast. The lesser noise the better, at this point, though now Elijah's laughter simply rang in hollow echoes around the near empty living room of the rented home they sat in.

"Okay. Lij??" Billy said, getting onto his knees and crawling over to him. "Lij. It's done. The commercial ended about... five minutes ago. It wasn't THAT funny."

"Did you, did you, did you..." Elijah panted out, his voice filled with more giggles as he spoke. "SEE-"

"YES. We SAW IT, Lij. I had a laugh over it- A laugh." Dom said, exasperated.

"Did he eat any sugar? Lots of sugar? Pete's practically banned it from him on set because of shite like this," Billy asked, looking to Sean and Dom. Sean shrugged again, standing up.

"As far as I know, no. Lij? Speak to me here, did you eat sugar??"

"NO!!!" Elijah yelled, making every wince now.

"Okay, something needs to be done," Dom declared. "I REALLY don't feel like explaining to the people renting this place to us what the odd piss smell is in their living room,"

That must have added to Elijah's hilarity, as yet MORE raging laughter erupted from him. Sean seemed to have enough of this now; he bent down and scooped Elijah up, throwing him over his shoulder. "C'mon, lads,"

"What're ye going to do??" Billy asked as he and Dom followed Sean and (the still laughing maniacally) Elijah through the kitchen, then out the back door. Now on the back patio, they watched as Sean dumped Elijah's tense and shaking body into a lawn chair. Sighing with what sounded like dread, he shook his head and went to the hose.

"He wouldn't." Dom stated blankly, watching Sean's every move.

"No, he won't." Billy added. However, Sean had unlaced the first few loops of the rubber cord from it's holder and turned on the knob, making the pressure build. Billy and Dom whipped their heads to where Elijah, seemingly oblivious sat, still reeling with laughter.

"I mean-I mean-I mean th-the the turtles, they were ATTACKING everyone-"

"We know." Sean said as he pulled the release on the hose.

Billy and Dom's eyes went wide, their feet jumping back as a huge blast of water shot out of the hose, hitting Elijah full force. Sean was at a close enough range that Elijah's back flew into the chair, causing it to tip backwards so suddenly, Elijah's laughter turned into a scream. Billy and Dom stared, jaws dropped as Elijah's feet flew up into the air, flying over his head and casting him into a very awkward looking somersault. Sean, looking as straight faced as ever, groaned out a long breath and stoppered the hose, walking back and shutting off the water.

Dead. Silence. Until...

"No." Billy muttered as a soft chuckling came from the pile that was Elijah. Sean whipped his head from the task of curling the hose back up, staring with his jaw set at Elijah, who was starting to resume his laughter once again.

"This is RIDICULOUS. E-LI-JAH!!" Billy yelled haltingly, walking over. Elijah looked up through slits of eyes at him, his face red and covered in strands of wet hair.

"Wh-WHAT??"

"STOP LAUGHING!!"

"I CAN'T!! The TURTLES, they were... were..."

"YES! They were attacking campers! In their tents, at the fireside, for BEER, we know!!!" Billy yelled, throwing his arms up.

"I need... need to pee..." Elijah cried out, getting to his hands and knees. He began making a crawl towards the back door, passing by Sean and Dom who simply stared at him with blank looks.

"I swore that would work," Sean muttered, going inside. Once they were all inside, they were treated by Elijah's howling in the bathroom.

"DON'T PISS ON THE FLOOR, you DIRTY YANK!!" Dom bellowed towards the door.

"I'm not STA-STANDING!!"

"He's sittin'?" Billy said, cocking an eyebrow.

"The git," Dom grumbled.

"How much did he drink before I got here?" Sean asked. Billy shook his head.

"Not much a'tall! As far as I knew, he'd only had a rum and coke. A couple slices of pizza..."

"Nothing else," Dom said, leaning against the fridge. The sound of flushing now mixed with Elijah's whooping, and the sink turned on. Dom sighed. "At least he's washing his hands."

"Are you all right??" Sean called.

"I'M WET!!"

"This is gonna stop. NOW." Dom declared, moving from the fridge and going to the bathroom door. "ELIJAH JORDAN WOOD,"

"Ut oh," Billy said, unable to hide his growing smirk.

"I ORDER you to STOP LAUGHING. If you do NOT cease this inane behaviour, you are NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM!!" Dom threatened.

"BUT THE TURTLES-"

"QUIET." Dom yelled back. Everyone fell silent as they heard Elijah start to wind down, deep panting breaths echoing in the bathroom. They all waited as finally, a deep sigh came from Elijah.

"Okay."

"All right. If I open this door and you make one more laugh, I'm dragging you out onto the front lawn in nothing but yer skin. Got it?"

"Aye."

"I promise you this. Take me seriously."

"Aye."

Dom nodded slowly and opened the door. "There. Are you ready for civilization?" he asked, sounding like a den mother. Elijah emerged, looking entirely ridiculous with his clothing pressed against him, dripping in puddles on the floor. He made a shit eating grin Dom's way, causing Dom to eye him warily. "Lijah. I mean it."

"You want me to laugh. Don't cha, Dommie?"

"Oooh...." Sean murmured, eyebrows raised and looking like he may have a good laugh himself. Dom simply narrowed his eyes.

"Think I won't do it?"

Elijah shrugged, keeping his shoulders up his neck. "I-eeee dunno..."

"Lijaaaaah... wouldn't tease," Billy said, biting his lip to keep from giggling.

"And what if... what if I don't stop laughing, even being butt ass naked on the lawn?" Elijah countered. Dom crossed his arms, sighing.

"I might have to pin you down and keep you still." Dom replied.

"What if I don't stop then?"

"Might hafta blow ya, Lijie,"

The whole kitchen and hallway went absolutely still and quiet, the first time in what felt like ages. Billy and Sean glanced to each other then back to Dom and Elijah, who eyed each other in a confrontational manner. Elijah's grin grew...

"Elijah..." Sean warned.

"Hmmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm..."

Dom took a deep breath.

"Dom..." Billy muttered.

"Hee..."

Dom unfolded his arms.

"Guys," both Sean and Billy said in unison, but all too late. Elijah began cackling out racous laughter, immediately jetting out of the hallway at top speed. Dom ran after him as Elijah clambered up the stairs, hollering out crazed laughter as he ran. Sean and Billy didn't move; their heads turned slightly upwards, hearing the stomping footsteps directly above them.

"He made it to the bedroom," Sean said matter-of-factly.

"AIEE! NO! I HAVE TURTLES IN HERE!! THEY'LL GET YOU!!"

The sound of Dom getting past the door and hysterical screaming laughter...

"Ow..." Billy said, hearing both of their bodies slam into the floor. "Nearly fell through on THAT one,"

"Mmhmm," Sean uttered.

"DOM, I'M SORRY!!"

"You're STILL LAUGHING, LIJ,"

Some relentless giggles, thumps, cries, and suddenly...

"PUT ME DOWN!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!"

"He's still laughing." Sean pointed out. Billy nodded.

"Yup."

"Ooookay, Lij... let's see when you stop laughing."

Billy and Sean moved to the hallway, just in time to see Dom, carrying a very nude Elijah over his shoulder. "Think he needs our help?" Sean asked as Dom kicked the front door open, Elijah squealing and pounding Dom's back with futility. Billy shook his head slowly.

"Nah. He's still laughing."

"That he is."

They both retreated to the living room again, as if pretending nothing odd at all had occured in the last twenty minutes. Sean turned on the television as Elijah kept laughing and laughing and laughing, then...

"OH!!!"

(Finished:5:19)