The Incredible Detachable Wonderwand of Mirkwood

Title: The Incredible Detachable Wonderwand of Mirkwood
Author: TICS
Rated: R
Pairing: Legolas/Haldir - sort of. In a way. Depending on your definition of intercourse.
Genre: Humor, Slash implied, AU
Summary: Legolas makes an unusual wish.
Disclaimer: I own nothing...not the elves, not the places, not the concept...nothing. Well, I DO own a copy of every book the Professor wrote...but I hardly think that gives me a proprietary interest...I'm just playing, and will put them back neatly where I found them.


A/N: Written in response to the weekly challenge at Dream Elf: Waterfall. Inspired by a rather bizarre IM conversation...but then again, MOST of my IM conversations are on the bizarre side.


The Incredible, Detachable Wonderwand of Mirkwood

Legolas was in a foul mood...an unusual state of being for the Wood Elf who prided himself on the normally steady, gentle nature of his personality. The look on his face matched the black, roiling thunderclouds that gathered in the east beyond the peaks of the Misty Mountains as he rode across the wide, windswept plains of the Riddermark, and if he had been paying more attention he would have seen the small animals, usually unpreturbed by the approach of one of the Fair Folk scattering, falling over themselves in their haste to give him a wide berth.

He had cause for his mood - he had been riding steadily for days, having left Minas Tirith after months and months of helping in its rebuilding, finally having reached his fill of the googly-eyed, pet-naming, kissy-facing, newlywed prattling of Aragorn and Arwen.

Gimli had left weeks earlier, headed for Erebor and his kin. Elrond and the Imladris Elves had long gone; Celeborn and Galadriel having never have come in the first place. There was a reason, Legolas thought, that they called Celeborn "the Wise." He was wiser than Legolas to not have submitted himself to watching the new King of Gondor cooing and feeding the new Queen of Gondor pastries with his fingers.

"Be honest with yourself, Legolas," he thought, pulling his horse up and dismounting to give the beast, and himself, a rest. "That is not the reason you left. You could have cared less if he had fed Arwen the entire Gondorian pantry with his feet while knitting a scarf and clucking like a chicken. You left because of the OTHER thing."

Sighing, Legolas mentally chastised himself. "You could tolerate the doe eyes they made at each other...the pet names...you could even tolerate the holding hands and stolen kisses when they thought no one was looking. What you COULDN'T tolerate another moment of was the shrieking, screaming, bed-creaking, spank-me-and-call-me-Ada-ing that you heard through the wall each and everynight - and twice on Sundays - as clearly and loudly as if you had been in the room with them. And why? Because you cannot control yourself, that's why. You'd lie in your bed listening to their cries of passion with an erection like Amon Dîn rising between your thighs."

Arod looked over his shoulder at his rider, snorting and tossing his head as if he could read Legolas' thoughts and thought his Elf completely correct in his self-flagellation.

"Don't look at me like that, Arod...I saw you with those mares. You wasted no time after we returned from the Black Gates...and the day after that...and the day after THAT! I think it likely that Minas Tirith will be over run next foaling season with little white colts with bad attitudes," Legolas admonished his horse.

"I, however, being an Elf, refused to indulge myself in such carnal pursuits...no matter what the strain on my, er...personal agenda." He lifted his finely sculpted nose into the air in a huff, turning his back on his mount.

Mostly he turned his back to hide from his perceptive horse's eyes the huge bulge that had arisen in his leggings just from thinking about it.

That bulge..that traitorous, annoying, unrelenting bulge was the reason for his foul mood of late. It kept popping up at the slightest provocation. A stray thought...the bouncing motion on his horse's back...an oddly shaped gnarl in a tree trunk...these things kept his leggings tented in a most disturbing and undignified manner. The sight of a stag mounting a doe in the distance the day before had nearly brought him to tears; so instantaneous and severe was the stiffening of his elfhood that he had actually popped a couple of the stitches on the crotch of his leggings.

Which, all in all, made riding extremely uncomfortable to say the least.
Gritting his teeth, Legolas stoically ignored the fact that his elfhood was pointing due north, but marched determinately in that direction any way intending to stop in Lorien before proceeding home to his father's Cavern in Mirkwood. Arod followed dutifully behind, and Legolas could swear that from time to time he could hear the horse snickering behind his back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reaching the Golden Wood, Legolas broached the line of trees that marked its border. Dropping his haversack and quiver on the ground, he leaned his forehead against the smooth bark of a tree, wrapping his arms around its girth, knowing that the Galadhrim would be watching his entrance and not wishing his misbehaving member to be the first thing they saw.

He needn't have bothered.
"Legolas, son of Thranduil! Welcome to the...er..." Orophin said in greeting, his voice drifting off as Legolas hugged the tree a little tighter. "Um...you really like that tree, do you?"

"It's lovely," Legolas replied, his voice muffled as he smooshed his face into the bark, trying to discreetly grind out the problem between his legs against the un-giving trunk. Unfortunately, all that did was exacerbate the situation due south of his navel. "How are your brothers?" he asked, trying to continue the conversation in a casual tone as if he were not wrapping himself around a tree like a horny raccoon. He winced at the sound of his own voice which was not only muffled but sounding a bit strangulated at that point.

"Fine. They are both in Caras Galadhon, and will be pleased to see you," Orophin responded, casting a sideways glance at the wardens who had accompanied him on patrol. They looked back at Orophin and shrugged their shoulders, as confused as he was at the Prince's behavior. "Um...Legolas...have you finished violating my Lord Celeborn's oak?"

"I was not violating it, Orophin...I was merely being...friendly," Legolas answered, pleased that his erection had finally subsided somewhat and he felt it safe to turn around and face his Tree Elf cousins. His cheeks and ears burned, but his eyes dared the Galadhrim to contradict him.

"Ah...I see. Do you plan on greeting every tree in that manner? There are many between here and the city...my brothers may have sailed West by the time we get back. Is it possible to shorten your greeting to a simple nod and "good day?" Orophin joked, refusing to be intimidated by the glaring son of the Mirkwood King.

"Do not be cheeky, Orophin."

"Aye, my cousin...my apologies. It is simply that I did not realize until just now in what high regard the Wood Elves held foliage."

"Might we go now?" Legolas growled, narrowing his bright blue eyes at the warden, a small muscle in his jaw beginning to twitch.

"Of course...do you wish to say goodbye to your tree privately? We can wait over there..." Orophin snickered, jerking his thumb over his shoulder.

Blushing furiously, Legolas ignored Orophin's last jab at his dignity and reached for his haversack and quiver, shouldering them with swift angry movements. He tried to ignore the shaking shoulders of the Galadhrim as they led him and Arod deeper into the Golden Wood, evidently all quite amused by his tree-humping entrance into Lorien.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If you are jesting, Orophin, you are doing a good job of it," Haldir said, wiping his chin with his sleeve. He had managed to spray the table and both his brothers with a mouthful of tea when his younger sibling had reported Legolas' seeming infatuation with Lorien plant life.

Haldir and Rumil had roared at Orophin's description of the platinum haired Wood Elf rubbing himself against the ancient oak when they had approached him at the borders.

"I do not jest, brother...you can ask the others who were on patrol with me...we all saw him. He was carrying quite a stack of gold pieces in his coin purse...and I think the tree may have orgasmed," Orophin reiterated, helping himself to a beautifully ripened apple.

"He must have been playing with you, Orophin...why should the Prince, as lovely as he is and who could have his pick of partners choose such a ridiculous, not to mention painful, way of relieving himself?" Rumil laughed, grabbing hold of Orophin's wrist and helping himself to a large bite of Orophin's apple.

"I know not his motives, only his actions," Orophin stated, frowning at his younger brother and pulling his wrist away from Rumil's grasp. "I know that he seemed embarrassed because we saw his arousal...although why I could not say, since it seems he has nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Really? He is well-endowed?" Haldir asked, cocking an eyebrow in a most lascivious manner as he sipped again at his tea.

"Truth," Orophin replied around a mouthful of apple, nodding his head. "From what I could tell, under his leggings he has the makings of a mallorn. I believe he could do push-ups without using his arms."

Both brothers looked impressed, since it was well known that Orophin was not one to exaggerate such physical attributes...other than his own.

"Hmm...I think perhaps I should have a word with our visitor from Mirkwood. When he was here with the Fellowship I had barely time to exchange a formal greeting with him - the Dwarf hung on to him like a babe to his mother's teat the entire time they were here," Haldir mused, draining the last of his tea and setting the cup down on the table. "As Captain of His Lordship's Guardians, it would seem only fitting that I make His Highness feel at home here."

"Or make His Highness feel SOMETHING, at any rate..." Rumil quipped, easily ducking the half-hearted swing of Haldir's arm in his direction.

With a smirk on his face, Haldir rose, straightened his tunic, and left the talan in search of the visiting Mirkwood Prince.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas sat morosely near a trickling waterfall in a lovely garden near the very place Galadriel kept her mirror. A silver urn stood nearby, ready for the Lady of Light to fill should she have need to use the scrying mirror, but today found no one but Legolas in the garden.

He reached out a graceful hand, allowing the water to sluice over and through his fingers. This morning had been no different than any of the other mornings of the past month...although he had fervently hoped it would not be the same. He had awoken from his reverie with Anor's first rays, finding that he not only had a tremendous erection, but had, evidently, been humping his pillow during the night.

Sighing, he looked down at his crotch, which still bulged with his arousal, then turned his sapphire blue eyes heavenward. "Please...if you have even the smallest regard for me...the tiniest drop of compassion...please, PLEASE end this misery for me!" he prayed, scrunching his eyes shut and wishing with all his heart for a miracle to end his suffering.

And a miracle was what he got.

The first indication that someone, somewhere had heard his plea and had taken pity on him was a rather odd, loose feeling in his privates. Cocking his head, he cracked open one eye and glanced down at his crotch.

Nothing LOOKED out of the ordinary...but something certainly FELT out of the ordinary. Standing up, he quickly unlaced his leggings, pushing them down to his knees.

There was his hateful erection, poking up toward his belly in all its hardened glory...but...it felt differently than it always had. Gingerly, he poked at it with his finger. It bobbed and felt as it always did. Grasping it in his hand, he let out a shriek when it came away clear off his body. Dropping it as if it were aflame, he eyed his organ lying stiff and throbbing on the grass of the garden.

He looked down at himself. He wasn't bleeding...wasn't in pain at all actually. As a matter of fact, he still felt aroused. He shivered slightly as he looked at his elfhood lying in the grass and watched it twitch a bit.

Bending down, he picked it up between two of his fingers, looking at it carefully. There didn't seem to be any sign of injury...other than the fact that it was no longer connected to his person. He held it to his crotch and was shocked to find that it stuck tight, exactly where it had been a few moments before.

On...off...on...off...on...off... Legolas spent then next ten minutes or so removing and then replacing his what appeared to be fully functional, detachable penis. He grinned a boyish smile, like an Elfling presented with a new toy, attaching and detaching it over and over again.

Thanking the Valar for solving his problem for him, he stuck his penis in the pocket of his jerkin, pulled up and laced his now slightly ill-fitting leggings, and whistled merrily as he made his way out of the garden.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haldir spotted Legolas coming out of the Lady's garden, looking happy and relaxed, and whistling to boot. He smiled, glad to have found the Prince in a good mood, and Haldir hoped that said good mood would translate into a good romp for the Galadhrim.

"Good morn, Legolas of the Woodland Realm!" he called in greeting, a broad smile lighting his face.

"Good morn, Haldir o Lothlorien!" Legolas called back, glad to see the warden again. He had not seen him at the Pelennor Fields Battle, although he had heard that Haldir had been there.

"I hope you rested comfortably last night," Haldir continued, crushing Legolas to his chest in a huge bear hug.

The Prince was a bit surprised at the warmth of the welcome being extended to him by the handsome warden, but, as Haldir continued to squeeze him Legolas felt a hard lump pressing against his thigh and realized exactly what it was Haldir was setting him up for.

Under normal circumstances, Legolas, who had been raised to believe that sex was to be avoided at all costs except for procreation, and that elves should hold themselves above such nonsense, would have balked at the warden's advances no matter how attractive Haldir was or how great Legolas' own need became.

Now, however, he saw no need for such self-deprivation...after all, if his penis was not actually attached to him, he couldn't possibly be considered to be having sex, now could he?

"Haldir, I am very attracted to you...do you wish to have sex with me?" Legolas asked, shocking the normally unshakable Captain with his forthrightness.

"Um...well, now that you mention it...yes, I would," Haldir grinned, unable to hide his pleasure at the Prince's alacrity in the matter...not to mention his ego, which had just swelled to unbelievable proportions at the Prince's seemingly brazen attraction to him.

"Fine...here. Bring it back to me when you're done," Legolas said affably, removing his penis from his pocket and pressing the prodigious length into Haldir's hand. "Try not to drop it in the mud...I would like it back in the same condition as you take it, if you don't mind. Resuming his whistling tune, Legolas strolled away, leaving Haldir staring in horrified fascination at the large, hard, throbbing penis he held in his hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evidently Haldir's horrification at Legolas' detachable penis did not last long, because the first orgasm hit Legolas with a force that nearly brought him to his knees not an hour later. He had been readying himself to enjoy a bowl of soup, having just set the bowl of piping hot liquid down on the table and taken his first spoonful when he felt a fire blossom in his belly and swell to engulf his entire being, forcing his head to snap back and his spine to arch, his throat giving a loud, undulating cry.

Considering that he was in the middle of the dining hall surrounded by Galadhrim having their lunches, he was just a wee bit embarrassed. As his orgasm waned he looked around at the shocked faces staring at him and swallowed hard. "Um, hot...the soup was hot," he murmured, quickly looking down at his bowl, feeling his ears burn, but also not able to help the small, satisfied smile that played at his lips.

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Legolas reasoned that his penis must have been making the rounds, since he was hit by several more orgasms that same afternoon. He could never really be certain when the next one would hit...in the library, in the bathing pond, during a chess game with Celeborn...but come they did. Over and over again, and he began to weary of making excuses for his unusual outbursts. He'd already used the "hot soup," "something bit me," "old war injury" and "sorry, the broccoli from dinner just did not agree with me," excuses and was beginning to despair of thinking up new ones.

Finally he simply excused himself and went to the talan to which he had been assigned while staying in Lorien, laying himself down on the bed, fully clothed. But every time his eyes would begin to glaze over with a much deserved and craved reverie, another orgasm would hit.

They continued to wrack his body throughout the night and through much of the next day, until finally, near noon, a knock came on the talan door.

Haldir cracked open the door and peeked inside. Seeing Legolas sprawled across the bed, his eyes shadowed by dark smudges and looking extremely weary, the Captain stepped inside looking a bit sheepish.

"Legolas...um...I have your...uh...your..." he stammered, holding something in his hands wrapped in leather.

"My penis? Thank Eru! If I'd had another orgasm I think it may have killed me!" Legolas called weakly from the bed. "Put it on my nightstand, Haldir...I have to get some rest!"

"Um, Legolas...about your, er...thing..."

Legolas picked his head up off the pillow, narrowing his eyes at the flustered Galadhrim. "What about it, Haldir...what did you do?"

"I think we broke it."

"YOU WHAT? Let me see it!" Legolas cried, sitting up and forgetting all about how weary he had been a moment ago. He took the leather wrapped object from Haldir's hands, placing it on his lap and removing the thin layers of leather.

His penis lay there like a long, pale, flaccid mushroom, unmoving. He poked at it with a finger, a move that had never before failed to at least garner a twitch from it, but it just lay there.

It looked dead.

"Oh, my sweet Elbereth...you've killed it!" Legolas moaned, tears springing to his eyes as he gazed sadly on the mushy remains of his once proud Elfhood. "Now what am I going to do? How am I going to have children? Will they even let me into Aman without one? I'm a eunuch!" he wailed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Legolas...Legolas, wake up!" Haldir whispered, shaking the sleeping Prince's shoulder. "Wake up!"

"Eunuch! Eunuch!" Legolas mumbled, tossing in his sleep as tears flowed down his fair cheeks. "You broke it , Haldir...you broke it and now it won't get hard anymore or stick back where it's supposed to be!"

"Legolas...wake! You're having a nightmare, Princeling!" Haldir said in a much sterner tone of voice. He was disturbed by the tears that cascaded down his lover's cheeks. Tears of passion he was used to...tears caused by a dream he was not, and it worried him a bit.

Slowly, Legolas woke, wiping his eyes and focussing them on the concerned face of his lover. "Haldir?"

"You had a nightmare, Legolas."

The memory of his dream hit with a force that nearly knocked the wind out of the Mirkwood Prince. Frantically tearing the coverlet from his body, he stared down at his crotch. Slowly a happy smile materialized on his face as he realized that his elfhood was still attached to him and, from the looks of things as it began to rise from the nest of golden curls it had been sleeping in, was in perfect working order.

Sighing with relief, Legolas lay back down on the bed, turning his gaze on the befuddled Guardian who lay next to him. "Haldir...I solemnly swear to you that I will NEVER tell you that I am not in the mood, ever, ever again!"

THE END