Hobbits and Hoses

This was written at least three years ago, and I just unearthed it from underneath a mound of memories located in my closet. I do not own the song Love Shack, I do not own the LotR characters. It isn't very graphic, but it is kind of humourous. //is narrator thought// {is narrator action}

It all started long ago, when the song Love Shack was first heard on the radio. This song caused a wide spread pandemonium. The year was 1704 in alien years. I suppose that would make it in the mid 1990s in human years.

“Hush now, I’ll tell you a kinky secret. Come hither, closer, yes, closer still. This was the year when flour was the other white powder. {Ducks from flying rotten fungi encrusted tomatoes}

//I stole somebody’s joke, I don’t remember whose but it’s funny & I borrowed it. So maybe you can write me & I’ll say it’s yours//

Frodo was just a young hobbit. He did not yet know the pleasures of the garden hose. It would be his dear friend Merry’s old women with a shoe to give our darling delinquent the gentle push into the insane asylum.

The hose had sat outside under the blazing sun nearly all day, and the water was scalding at the first touch, so the young hobbits would have to wait a while before they could enjoy the tranquil crystal clear liquid the two desired.

Merry suggested they make a mud pie, using the still thoroughly heated water. This hot stream from the dark green hose created the perfect temperature for the boys’ to handle when mixed with dirt. Together they combined the dirt, dust, grass and other everyday ground with the world’s best solvent. The previously hard uninviting ground was now at a softened dissolved state of matter, much to the great approval of Merry. Our other friend, Frodo, was more worried about being sucked under the oozing dark gunk that had surrounded the shirtless Merry.

“Frodo, come play with me”, cried the ever demanding voice of Merry.

After a few tentative steps, Frodo put his foot in to the strange syrupy substance. The mud immediately started to absorb his toes faster then he’d expected and Frodo fell hard onto his backside with a delightful *PLOP*. This threw Merry into a hysterical fit of laughter that Frodo soon joined.

Once the two had a chance to catch their breath, and Frodo had a moment to rub his slightly sore bottom, Merry sniffed and said, “Frodo, I can smell your brains”.

To which Frodo replied,” Oh, that’s not my brains! Those are my eucalyptus scented tissues.” He then held out crisp green tinted tissues that had a planty smell.

Merry glided through the slowly hardening muck as easily as a swan and whispered to Frodo, “This mud feels so nice against my skin.”

With wide eyes, Frodo watched the dark black leather-like material of Merry’s pants a little ways away from the hardening mud. He abruptly realized that the mud wasn’t the only thing hardening.
The mud needed some more liquid, and the hose water had cooled to a lukewarm temperature. The hose was all the way over by the table, with the lollipops the hobbits had gotten for a midday snack.

It was the very embarrassed Frodo who had to get the hose, after losing a staring contest with Merry. He slowly got up, but discovered mid squat that his pants were stuck in the goopy mud. After a moment of hesitation, a loud sound was heard; part karate yell from Frodo, part gurgle from the mud, and a loud Rrrrrrrriippp as the fabric of Frodo’s pants gave way to the mud’s pulling. Frodo tumbled backwards. He got up quickly and returned shortly with the hose.

Then Merry who had been fairly innocent until that point asked Frodo to clean him off. A bar of lavender rose scented soap decorated with purple glitter in the waxy substance appeared in Frodo’s hand. He walked over to his young but strangely old friend Merry.

Slowly Frodo knelt down beside his nude friend, almost tediously lavishing the mud caked body with delicate circular strokes of the soap. Gently Frodo rinsed Merry clean of the mud from his chest, arms and legs. Now, Frodo thought, the delicate parts.

Frodo brutally rubbed the delicate bar of soap, leaving his hands soapy and sudsy so he wouldn’t irritate the sensitive skin of Merry’s body. The moment Frodo’s gentle fingers began to caress away the mud, Merry’s cock began to grow. It got bigger and bigger until Frodo exclaimed, “Wow! You’re as big as one of those blow up baseball bats at the fair!”

Merry then slyly said, “If you let the water from the hose drizzle my ‘bat’, a cream liqeur will ooze out of the opening.”

Suddenly Frodo the hobbit had a revelation! “What?! So you can ‘bake a cake’ you sick bastard!”

A very disgusted Merry sat up in shock and shouted,”Give me a tissue! I’ll finish by myself!” and he stormed off toward a red shed by his house.

This action left a very hard, very confused, and rather angry Frodo alone with a bar of soap and a hose. The lower region of Frodo soon won complete attention of his energies, and he made good use of his supplies. Frodo quickly lathered his cock and turned the water pressure down in the hose before sliding himself into the dark green cave of the hose. Everything was going well until he was about to cum.

At this time a vindictive Merry came back from the red shed and turned off the hose water entirely. Frodo was stuck in the hose! He started to sob as Merry took multiple pictures of this very embarrassing predicament Frodo found himself in. After what seemed like an eternity, Merry called the fire station and they used a strip of back wrapped around the base of the still erect hardness and tugged him off of the hose.

Four days later Frodo was released from the hospital and he discovered he was famous! Merry had given newspapers, magazines, and reporters copies of the garden hose incident pictures. Three days later on Saturday, one week after *it* happened Frodo signed himself into an insane asylum. Here he wore a hot pink boa, black silk boxers and old paint shirts daily, and if you ever happened upon his room, the radio only played one song, “Love Shack” by B-52. Frodo’s favorite song.

And ever since that treacherous garden hose incident, they have put nozzles on the hoses that twist to change the pressure of water, because no one wants to end up like that darling delinguint Frodo, who learned the hard way that sex and hoses should not mix.”