The Walk

Disclaimer: I do not own these elves. They are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien. I'm just playing with them for fun. No profit is being made or will ever be made.

The night air is cold, but still. I’m noticing everything tonight, and I’m not sure why. The stars overhead, the grass below, I’m seeing it all in some new kind of clarity. Almost like it’s my first time ever seeing any of it.

The moon, she is bright tonight. If not for her I may not have found my way. In a way, it’s more of a curse than a blessing. My entire body hurts with yearning. I want you. I just want to see you, to hold you, to smell the scent of your hair. But you have not allowed me to touch you in so long. I cannot even remember the last time your lips touched mine, the last time we danced, or the last time we lay together in rumpled bed sheets, satisfied smiles on our faces and sweat dripping from our brows.

But I know exactly what I did. The last time we made love. Oh, it was amazing. You had a different feel to you, a certain wild side I’d never seen before. And it was more fulfilling than ever, the sensations taking over my body. All the way until I made that one mistake.

I can’t get that night out of my mind, and it’s making me walk slower. Maybe I’ll just stop here for a moment and take in the comfort of the trees. I want to see you, but I am afraid you will push me away again. I can’t stand when you push me away, Erestor! The pain is worse than a thousand swords piercing my chest. Although the pain I caused you was worse than those swords in your back.

The memory is ever there. I’d met you out in the garden where you sat with your back against a tree and your legs tucked under you, covered against the coming night chill by your black robes. My first thought was that I would give anything to be that book upon your lap, resting there warm against your soft legs as you turned my pages with those long, delicate fingers. It made me shiver with lust.

You looked up when I came to a stop before you. Your smile was warm and inviting, and I had no choice but to kneel before you and kiss you so deeply that we both felt it through our entire bodies. I can still feel your tongue exploring the inside of my mouth as your hands tangled in my hair and the book slid from your lap.

We exchanged no words. I put my hands on you, feeling you through those thick robes, and helped you to your feet. Hand in hand, we walked back to my rooms.

And there is when it began, our last time together before you grew cold towards me for making the biggest mistake of my life.

It was like a blur of lust, heat, and pure passion as we shut the door behind us and quickly began tearing at each other’s clothes. Your body was like an inferno pressed against me as we kissed again, but it was more than a kiss, it was love. It was the start of us becoming one.

We kept kissing and touching each other as I walked you backwards to the bed. Laying you down on the soft sheets, I cursed myself for not having the finest silk in Middle Earth to lay you upon, because you deserve no less. I could feel your entire body writhing under me, and I took your erection into my hand, teasing you ever so slightly. I just wanted to hear you moan. And you moaned my name. It was so sweet and musical that I couldn’t take it any longer.

I grabbed your legs and wrapped them around me, leaning down to take that sweet mouth in mine again. You pushed your fingers into my hair and gripped at the roots, the pain of it making me wild again. And with strength I didn’t even know you possessed, you pushed me down beside you, unlocking your legs from my body. I crashed to the bed and looked up in time to see your beautiful body bathed in the new moonlight peeking through the window. You straddled me, ran your hands down the length of my body, dragging your nails down my chest and teasing my nipples on the way.

I moaned as you rubbed the oil on me, and cried out in pleasure when you finally impaled yourself on me, rocking hard against my body. I watched you toss that beautiful black hair as you threw your head back.

And then…

I came hard. But I made my mistake there. As I came… I yelled out the name of Lindir.

Time froze as your motions halted. I opened my eyes fast when I realized what I had done. You stayed in your position, straddled on me, your hands on my stomach. I felt your hands curl into fists as you starred into my eyes.

“What?” you said, not really asking, but accusing.

I was in shock. I could not answer. The words refused to come from my mouth, and a thousands excuses flooded my mind. But none of it mattered anymore and the excuses ran away when I felt you rear back and punch me square in the stomach before throwing yourself off of me.

Grasping my stomach, I rolled off the bed, trying in vain to get you to stop and listen to me. But you threw your robes on enough to cover your naked body and you ran from my room.

And here I am. Stalling, I suppose. I miss you, Erestor, my love, the only one I care to have in my bed. I would give anything to hold you in my arms again. Please talk to me!

I reach the end of the path, my destination. And there you are, walking back and forth, your mind off in your own thoughts. You do not see me approach. I cough slightly to announce my presence and you look over at me. Oh, those eyes! Do you have no idea how beautiful those chocolate colored eyes are? The stars above pale in comparison to the sparkle there.

You stiffen at the sight of me, pulling your robes into yourself and building that wall around yourself again. Turning, you head up the steps in a flash and are gone inside. I stand there, staring at the entrance into which you have vanished. My body is frozen as I stare after you.

My mistakes are plenty. It was not just calling out Lindir’s name during our lovemaking. It was actually making love to Lindir. No, I did not make love to him. I had sex with him. It was not the same, not the same as us. It was a moment, it was something that shouldn’t have happened, but did. It was the wine and the party, and it was you dancing with Elrond, even though I knew it was only a friendly dance. It was… Oh, it was me! It was all me, and there are no excuses! But Erestor… I called out your name while I was with him.

*****************************

This hall seems so long. I’ve walked it a million times, but never has it seemed so long before. I begin my trek, no longer noticing anything around me. My mind is set on you and you alone.

Here. The library. I know you are here, hiding in the comfort of your books. You spend so much time here, but now you spend more than usual. I have done this to you. I have made you sink into your books more than before.

I turn the knob and walk in just in time to see you marching for the door. You walk past me and out, not even paying me any mind, as if I were not here. I reach out a hand and open my mouth to speak, but you have breezed past me faster than the words could come.

These tears can’t be helped. I am hurting inside, too, and I am not ashamed to let these tears run down my cheeks. I look over at the books and papers spread out on the table there, and I take comfort in knowing you will return.

It seems like years before you do. But in you come, almost floating on the air as you glide past me and end your walk at the table. I watch in awe as you move that thick black hair out of the way as you sit. Right back into your books you go, paying me no mind.

I cannot help myself. I stand from where I have been sitting and walk up behind you. I must hold you, Erestor! It’s been too long! I lean down and wrap my arms around you. But instead of the tender melt I usually feel upon doing this, I feel your body tense against mine, and an aggravated sigh escapes your lips. So I remove my arms and step back. You turn to me.

“Glorfindel.”

“Erestor.” I can’t even speak, I just breath your name out of my body.

You glare at me. “Why are you still doing this?”
“Doing what? Loving you?”

“Loving me? The way you loved Lindir, I suppose.”

“Erestor, no. That was… a mistake.”

“Really? Are you sure it was a mistake? Or have your just grown tired of me and gone searching for something fresh?”

“Never. I don’t know why I did it, but Erestor, you are the only one I want. You must believe me! I love you! Truly, I do!”

Your eyes drop down to the ground as you rub the back of the chair, your fingers gripping and releasing. You only do that when you are nervous. Why do I make you nervous now?

“How many others have you had since you first took me to your bed?” You don’t bother looking up at me; you just keep staring at the floor.

“No one, my love. I promise, no one before, and no one ever again!”

“How many times have you bedded Lindir?”

“Only that one time. I have not even spoken to him since.”

You look up at me, my eyes pleading to you to please forgive me and have me back. You roll your eyes slightly at me, and sigh.

“Glorfindel… You have one more chance. One chance to prove to me that you will remain faithful. And one chance to regain my trust.”

I can feel my heart swell in my chest, but it quickly sinks again as I look into your eyes. You say these words but…

You do not mean them. I can see it in your eyes. Your eyes are pleading for me to love you, not to go. But something else there, something you are trying so hard to hide. It is telling me it is done. We are done.

And I know you have walked away.

Erestor, please don’t walk away.