An Afternoon's Conversation

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, no harm intended, no profit made.


An Afternoon’s Conversation

Elladan and Elrohir watched, or rather, cringed as Aragorn vaulted off his horse into Legolas's waiting arms, the couple covering each other with kisses. The brothers had just returned from hunting Orcs to find the Prince of Mirkwood waiting for them, and the twins suddenly found themselves wishing they'd gotten lost in the woods. Or fallen over a cliff.

"I didn't think you were going to be here for another week!" Aragorn said, holding the Prince's face between his hands.

"A week?" Legolas chuckled, kissing the tip of Aragorn's nose. "What makes you think I could have waited another week? I've missed you terribly!"

"Not as much as I've missed you, and now that you're here," he said, grabbing hold of the blond Elf's hand, "I don't think I can wait another second."

"You'd better hurry, because I can't even wait that long."

The two ran hand in hand into the palace while Elrohir turned to Elladan, a slightly nauseous expression on his face.

"I think I'm going to be ill."

Elladan snorted as they dismounted and walked into the gardens, handing the horses off to the waiting stablehand. "I've never wanted to kill anything so badly in my life."

"I've never been so tempted to gouge out my eyes."

"Do me a favor and cut off my ears."

"Only if you promise to cut off my head."

"But why punish ourselves? Let's make them suffer as they make us suffer." He began fluttering his eyes and speaking in a high-pitched voice. "Oh, Legolas! How I've missed you! Take me upstairs and ravish me forever!"

"You're right," Elrohir said, grinning at his twin. "They deserve a little punishment."

"Though knowing them," Elladan smirked, "they might enjoy it."

"Ugh," Elrohir shuddered. "Did you have to say that? This is our brother you're talking about!"

"So?"

"I'd rather not think of him like that."

"Then I'd also avoid thinking about the fact that we've both tasted the pleasure that is Legolas."

Elrohir rolled his eyes and sighed. "I had avoided it, until now."

"Glad I could be of service."

"In the future, stick to your usual methods of servicing people."

"I'm tired of the usual methods. Maybe I should ask Aragorn for advice. I'm sure he and Legolas have great imaginations."

"Would you stop that!"

Elladan laughed. "I don't know why it bothers you so much. Perhaps you're just jealous because they have each other, and you have no one. I believe what you need is a romantic diversion."

"I'm not really in the mood for love."

"Who said anything about love? I was talking about a diversion."

"Oh," Elrohir said, his eyes widening and a smile crossing his face. "I think I'm catching on, except for one problem."

"What's that?"

"Just about every Elf in Rivendell has provided a diversion for us at one time or another. I think we've run out of willing partners."

"Hmm. . . Now that you mention it, I think we've even run out of reluctant partners," Elladan said with a frown.

"And we've never even met an unwilling partner."

Elladan's shoulders slumped as he lashed out to slap the leaves of an innocent bush. "So much for diversions."

The twins were silent for a moment as they walked, not even seeming to see the beauty of Rivendell's gardens so carefully tended by Elrond and Glorfindel themselves. The raven-haired brothers were mirror images of dejection as their feet glided over the grass. Finally, Elladan narrowed his eyes and growled.

"Have I mentioned that I've never wanted to kill anything so badly in my life?"

"I seem to recall hearing that recently. Personally, I'm getting a little tired of killing things."

"Tired of killing things? Is that possible?"

"Apparently," Elrohir shrugged. "It's lost its appeal, its shine. It's become dull."

"That can't be true. I refuse to believe that. If we aren't killing things, we have no purpose in life. All we've done since our mother was attacked is kill things. It has become our sole reason for existence."

"Perhaps we should find a new reason."

"I don't know that I want a new reason. I've rather enjoyed this one."

"You find it fulfilling?"

Elladan thought about it for a moment. "Satisfying, perhaps. I don't know about fulfilling."

"I would like to experience fulfillment."

Elladan couldn't resist. "I'll bet Aragorn is fully experiencing being filled as we speak."

Elrohir backhanded him in the stomach, but otherwise ignored him. "It can't be our destiny in life to just kill Orcs and provide for our fellow Elves the greatest form of ecstasy they will ever experience."

"I don't know. I mean, if that's true, what else is there left for us to do on Middle Earth?"

"There has to be something more."

"I'm open to suggestions."

"But not as open as our brother is right now. By the gods!" Elrohir exclaimed, slapping his forehead as Elladan doubled over with laughter. "Look what you've started! You're completely corrupting my innocent mind."

"What can I say?" his twin said, still chuckling. "I'm contagious!"

"So was that Man you bedded last week."

This sobered the Elf. "If we could catch diseases, I would be very put out with you right now."

Elrohir smirked. "I'll consider myself even with you for all those remarks about our brother."

"And I didn't bed any Man. I'd sooner kiss a Dwarf."

"Wet your lips, brother--I know where I can find one, and don't you dare lie to me about that Man in Bree who was following you around with those big brown eyes. I know you, brother dear--you couldn't resist that he found you irresistible."

Elladan scowled at his brother, his mirror image scowling back, until he relented. "All right, perhaps I did allow him to discover the undeniable pleasure of knowing what it's like to kiss an Elf, but that is all."

"Then how did you get plastered with mud?"

"I fell."

"How did it manage to cover every inch of your skin?"

"It was a large puddle of mud."

"Then why didn't your clothes get dirty?"

"I took them off to protect them.

"That doesn't make any sense!" Elrohir shouted, exasperated.

"You know how I hate scrubbing mud out of my breeches."

He sighed. "You're not going to give in, are you?"

"I can go on all day."

"Not from what I've heard."

"Just ask the Man," Elladan smirked.

"You bastard!" Elrohir said, then started to laugh. "It seems you've found a way to solve our lack of Elvish diversions after all."

"Men may have their weaknesses, but I don't think Father was being entirely fair. After all, look at Estel."

"Aragorn."

"Whatever. He's human, and we love him dearly, despite his weaknesses. I figured I should use that as an example for exploring other relationships with Men."

Elrohir glanced at his brother. "I've never noticed any weakness in Aragorn."

"What about his affection for Legolas?"

"I don't think of that as a weakness. I've always considered it to be one of his strengths. After all, knowing what he does about his past and his future, it's quite brave of him to give his heart so fully to another."

"Perhaps, but his love can be considered a weakness in that it may be used against him by his enemies. Not to mention, Men aren't going to be eager to accept a King with a male Elf for a lover. No, Legolas is hardly a strength."

"So you would see them separated?"

"Absolutely not!" Elladan said, staring at his brother in mock horror. "What sort of cruel Elf are you? Separate them? They love each other!"

Elrohir shook his head. "I don't know how many more centuries of this I can take."

"As many as you have to," Elladan chuckled, wrapping his arms around his brother's shoulders. "And then some. Think Aragorn and Legolas have emerged yet?"

"I told you--I'm not thinking about it."

"You're right--they'll probably be another couple of hours."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"I need to have a normal conversation. Let's go find Father."

"He'll just give us some tedious chore to do."

"Then let's find Glorfindel."

"He's probably busy doing Father."

This time, Elrohir fully punched his brother in the stomach. "Are you trying to ruin every image I have of every member of our family?"

"It's not my problem if you're having issues with our family's members."

This time, Elladan managed to jump out of the way as Elrohir lunged at him. Elrohir quickly spun around and knocked his twin to the ground. Elladan gasped as the breath was forced out of him, but he still had the sense to grab the other Elf's leg and yank him flat on the earth. Within seconds, the two were a mass of flailing limbs rolling around in a cloud of dust. This continued for about five minutes before the twins lost steam and were left lying on the ground, Elladan bleeding from his lip, Elrohir from his nose, and both covered in bruises.

"Do all of our conversations have to end like this?" Elrohir said, panting as he tried to catch his breath.

"Next time, let's just smile and nod and not say anything."

"Agreed."

Groaning, the twins rose to their feet and limped their way inside the palace. They were immediately met by Elrond and his lover, who studied the Elves with raised eyebrows.

"Father. Glorfindel." The twins bowed as low as they could, considering the pain they were in.

"Rough hunt?" Elrond asked.

"The fiercest yet," Elrohir nodded.

"It was terrible fight indeed," Elladan agreed. "We were outnumbered ten to one, but we were able to fend them off."

"Thirty Orcs to the three of you? I'm surprised you didn't come back missing a few pieces."

"Glorfindel!" Elrohir protested, his eyes wide with feigned offense. "Do you have so little faith in our skills as warriors? The very skills you taught us?"

"Oh, I have great faith in your skills," Glorfindel said, the blond Elf trying not to laugh as his eyes danced with mischief. "I'm just hoping that Arwen's roses managed to survive the battle."

Seeing that neither their father nor their teacher was falling for their ruse, the twins' faces broke into matched grins.

"I think there were a few survivors this time," Elladan said.

"Your sister will be glad to hear it," Elrond chuckled. "Come on. Let's get you patched up. I won't have you dripping blood all over the house."

"Yes, Father," his sons said in unison.

Elrond and Glorfindel turned, the twins obediently following behind.

"If you two are truly so lacking in entertainment, I have plenty of things for you to do around here. In fact, I shall make up a list for you tonight, and you can get started first thing in the morning. How does that sound?" There was no answer. "Elladan? Elrohir?"

The Elf Lord turned around to see that his sons had disappeared. Glorfindel started to laugh, and Elrond turned his steely gaze on his lover.

"My sons are growing more out of control with each passing day, and you find this amusing?"

Glorfindel immediately swallowed his laughter, his face turning red and his eyes beginning to water with the effort. Sputtering, the blond Elf slapped his hand over his mouth in an attempt to remain silent, his antics bringing a smile to his beloved's face. Finally, Elrond couldn't resist, and the halls of Rivendell were filled with the laughter of both Elves.

The twins, peeking around the corner, exchanged grins and walked in the opposite direction of their Father.

"Works every time," Elladan said.

"Maybe not every time," Elrohir replied.

"Close enough," his brother shrugged.

"Only because we've got Glorfindel on our side. Come on, let's go rouse the lovebirds and see if they want to go for a swim. And if the next words that come out of your mouth have anything to do with 'arousal', our brother, and Legolas, I promise I will drown you."

"Ah, Elrohir, you know me so well."

"Sometimes, I feel like I don't know anyone else."

"You wouldn't have it any other way."

"No," Elrohir said, grinning at his brother, "I wouldn't."


[Completed August 27, 2002]