The Best and Worst of It

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, no harm intended, no profit made.


The Best and Worst of It

Arriving home that evening, the glittering white lights of the Christmas tree and the harsh glow of the city beyond provided the only illumination in my flat. The tree was a designer affair of gold and white and silver that looked as if it had been snatched from a window display at Harrods’s. It certainly didn’t look as if it belonged in someone’s home, but it was in mine. These days I didn’t have the time to hunt down and decorate a tree of my own, and while I knew my assistant had only been trying to help by purchasing for me this lovely, pre-decorated monstrosity, I think I might have been better off without a tree at all.

As I removed my jacket, I caught the sound of Christmas carols softly playing on the radio. Their festive sound flowed from speakers placed strategically around the flat so that one felt as if they were completely surrounded by the rise and fall of angelic voices.

I didn’t know why he had the radio on.

He hated all of the holiday bullshit found on the stations this time of year, from the commercials to the DJs to the carols themselves. Still, these sounded like the more classically traditional carols as opposed to the noxious modern ones heard at the market or in department stores, so maybe they were more tolerable to his ears.

Looking back, the lit-up Christmas tree and the carols should have been a warning regarding his state of mind, but at the time, I was too tired to understand it.

I left my bag leaning against the wall in the hallway, a habit he loathed, but again I was too tired to care. I wandered into the living room to find him sitting in an oversized chair placed directly in front of the Christmas tree. A glass of red wine was held by the rim in one hand while the other dangled over the edge of the chair’s arm, his eyes fixed on the holiday symbol in front of him.

The crystal white lights reflecting off the silver and gold decorations of the tree would have softened the features of anyone else. On him, the lights sharpened the angles of his face, making him appear reflectively dangerous, as if he were sitting there calculating his next nefarious move.

This worried me a little. Those dark eyes had been far too thoughtful lately, and from the way they slowly moved to settle on my face, I knew his thoughts weren’t good.

Sitting on the floor next to him, I rested my weary body against his leg, his free hand immediately moving to tangle itself in my hair.

“Rough day?”

“Just long.”

“I’m surprised you’re home this early.”

“They wanted me to attend a party, but I told them no. They want me to make an appearance at one tomorrow. I told them no. I’ve told them that they can count on me to say no to any and all parties, appearances, premieres, performances, and publicity events for the next two weeks. I’ve had enough. I’m tired.”

“I’m glad you finally learned to say no.”

“I wish I’d learned it sooner.”

I’d meant the comment in jest, but he didn’t laugh. He just made a sort of noncommittal noise in the back of his throat, his attention seemingly focused on the tree. The chipper carol in the background ended and the dark, gothic sound of bells opened the next one. Almost as if he had been waiting for this carol as his cue, Karl took a deep breath.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Leaving?” I asked innocently enough as I forced the tremor out of my voice. “When are you coming back?”

There was no answer.

I wanted one.

“Karl, when are you coming back?”

“Orli. . .” His fingers tightened in my hair and I welcomed the painful twinges in my scalp. This was a pain I could bear as I waited for the answer I feared. “I’m not.”

“Oh.”

We listened quietly for a moment to the plaintive melody of the song and the tiny ‘tink’s of the lights blinking on and off. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. It wasn’t as if this was a surprise. He’d been unhappy for a while--we both had--but a small part of me had convinced myself this was just a rough patch and we’d be able to work things out. The small part of me was wrong. The rest of me knew the truth.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it.” Not a question, just a statement of fact.

With a sound of exasperation, he released my hair and stood up to stand in front of the tree. “No,” he said, finishing the wine with one swallow. “Yes. I don’t know.”

“Karl, I don’t understand.” I’d thought he was merely growing bored, but now I was wondering if there was something more to his recent apathy towards me.

“No, you wouldn’t. How can you understand something you’re not even aware of?”

“Explain it to me,” I said, pushing myself up so that I was sitting in the vacated chair. “Help me to understand. I don’t want to lose you.”

He shook his head. “Orli, it’s too late.”

My mind, my body, my heart all screamed in denial, but my mouth just said, “Oh. Okay.”

Sighing, he knelt down in front of me, his hands on my knees. “It’s so pathetic when you look at me like that.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Thank you for taking the time to insult me before you go. Leave no bridge unburnt, I take it?”

“That’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean that you were pathetic. I just meant I’m pathetic because I haven’t the sense to walk away from you.”

“Please, don’t let me stop you,” I said coldly, brushing past him towards the kitchen. He reached out for me, but I avoided him. “Don’t you have to pack?”

“Orli--”

“What?” I snapped.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Of course you are.” I reached for the opened bottle of wine, not bothering with a glass. “If you really cared enough to be sorry, you’d care enough to tell me what the fuck is going on and give us a chance to fix it.”

At that moment, a new carol drifted over the speakers, making the situation worse because it made me feel worse:

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on our troubles
Will be out of sight.”

The words to the song, which under normal circumstances left me feeling wistful and overly sentimental, at that moment only made me furious. “Would you turn that goddamn radio off! I don’t even know why you have it on!”

With a sigh, Karl walked over to the stereo and flipped it off while I returned to the chair. As I sat there drinking, I came to understand why I’d found him sitting in the dark staring at the tree. There was just something soothing about the brightly blinking lights.

He came up behind me and I felt the weight of his hand on the back of the chair. “You’re right in that I’m not giving us a chance, but I have my reasons.”

“I’m thrilled for you. Care to share or are we going to continue being an unreasonable stubborn bastard?”

“You want me to share? All right, I’ll share. Orli, I miss you.”

Well, that was unexpected. I arched my head up to look at him. “You miss me? What do you mean ‘you miss me’?”

He bent over and wrapped his arms around my neck, pressing his cheek to mine. “Do you feel this now, the two of us touching, how close we are?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

I tried to stay calm as I answered, “Yes, Karl, I can feel us.”

“Good. Do you know this is the closest we’ve been in over a month?”

“What are you talking about?” I frowned.

“You haven’t touched me in over a month.”

“Karl, that’s not true. I. . . we. . . just the other. . .”

Oh fuck.

There wasn’t a ‘just the other’ anything, not since early November. That’s what this was all about--not how he wanted to leave, but me being a complete and total wanker. Here I was with the sexiest, most devastating man in the world, and I was taking him for granted. It was a wonder he hadn’t killed me yet.

“I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about I give you total control over my body for the next two months?”

He snorted. “Two?”

“Three?” I offered.

“Twelve.”

“Five.”

“Eight.”

“Done.”

He looked at me for a moment, then grinned. “That was easy.”

I shivered to feel his smile. “Well, it is me.”

“I just hope you’re around long enough for me to take advantage of you.”

“I’m all yours for the next couple weeks.”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, be still my beating heart.”

“I’m afraid it’s all I can offer at the moment.”

His hand slid down my chest towards my lap. “And I’ll accept your offer, for now. We’ll renegotiate later.”

“Mmm. . .” I smiled, arching into his touch. “And I might be amenable if you promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“Next time, don’t wait so long. Just fuck me.”

“It’s a deal.”

“Karl?”

“Yes, Orli?” he asked while pulling my shirt over my head.

“Are you leaving?”

He was still for a moment in a way only Karl can be still and I was afraid that he would say yes and I would lose him. But then he made his decision and set my fears at ease.

“No, I’m not leaving.”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes.”

“Like this?”

“This is good, though I prefer you fully naked.”

“No, I mean. . . this oblivious shadow person I’ve become.”

“Yes,” he said as he moved around to the front of the chair. “Even when you can’t see what you’ve got when I’m staring you right in the face, I still love you.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said as he unbuttoned my jeans. I couldn’t resist reaching out to thread my fingers through his hair, my thumbs brushing over the eyelashes surrounding those beautiful dark eyes. He looked up at me, expression questioning, and I leaned down to kiss him.

“I love you so much it hurts,” I said before our lips had time to part. “I love you so much I think I could go mad from it.”

“I’m already mad because of you.”

“Because of the infuriating things I do?” I asked and he chuckled.

“I’m mad over all of you,” he said while yanking the denim down my legs. “Now sit there and don’t move. Remember, you belong to me.”

“I remember,” I said and gasped as his mouth wrapped around my cock. Just one touch and I was almost ready to come right then and there. I really had been neglecting the both of us, and as the tip of my cock nudged his throat, I was made fully aware of just what I had been missing.

“God, I love you,” I moaned. “This is all I want for Christmas, just you--you touching me, you kissing me, you inside of me--just you.”

He lifted his head to look at me with a wicked gleam in his eyes, and much to my disappointment, stood up.

“Where are you--”

“Shh. . .” he said and offered me his hand, pulling me to my feet.

“Ooohh.” I smiled as I caught on and followed him to the bedroom. I knew from the swagger in his walk he was going to make me pay for my neglect, but I deserved it. I was looking forward to it. I just hoped it meant he really had forgiven me. I couldn’t afford to lose Karl. Everything else, yes, but not Karl.

I’d just have to make sure I didn’t fuck up again.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered into my ear as he bent me over onto my hands and knees on the bed and swatted me lightly on the ass, “next time you fuck up, I’m going to let you know.”

Goosebumps rose all over my skin and I suddenly wondered if I’d gotten more than I’d bargained for this Christmas. Once Karl made a decision, I knew there was nothing that would change his mind, and at some point in the past few minutes, he’d decided I was his.

“Stop thinking. You know this is what you want.”

Yeah, I did, and that was the worst of it. But also the best.

[Completed December 15, 2004]